Being your mum

Dear Phoebe,

I lost my temper at you in the car the other morning. I handled you roughly because I was agitated and lacking love. You were not intentionally misbehaving but I disregarded your feelings and failed to show you gentleness and compassion. What made matters worse is it turns out you were unwell.

I had stopped the car at the nearest service station as I peered at you through the rear view mirror and discovered you had thrown up on yourself and were sitting very still looking a little shell shocked. I felt sorry for you and cleaned you up as best I could but after changing you and trying to place you back in the car seat, you started making a fuss and throwing yourself back, kicking off the chair and making it hard for me to hold you properly. I looked at the clock and realized we were starting to run late (me to work and you to daycare). As you had reflux when you were younger and still occasionally bring up milk, I brushed this off as one of those occasions even though something prompted me to wonder if I should turn the car around and let you stay home since Grandpa and Grandma were in town.

In my haste and impatience, I snapped at you to sit in the chair and briskly buckled you in. You obliged and kept quiet the rest of the way. That day, I got a call from the centre to pick you up in the late morning. You had thrown up a couple times more and they suspected you had caught the stomach flu that both your teachers had. The Director informed me both teachers had called in sick. I brought you home and let you nap on my chest as you had fallen asleep in the car. My heart was heavy from having set a terrible example and to top it off chiding you when you were ill and needing more attention and care.

This wasn't a first in terms of expressing my frustrations outwardly. I have reacted in a similar manner a number of times despite reminding myself to exercise greater self control and be more understanding. The trouble is I have a short fuse and get easily annoyed although my response is not justified. I could try to put it down to tiredness and you wearing me out but no matter how poorly you are acting, I know my emotional outbursts are uncalled for. I want to be a consistent role model who does not cause you to think behaving the way I have is normal and fair on the other person.

Someone reading this could tell me not to be so hard on myself but the truth is I'm not. I'm not just sitting here letting guilt take over and feeling down. I'm reflecting and making a conscious decision to love you better everyday because that's what I want to do. I'm so grateful that God has given you an amazing disposition. You have the loveliest personality and I adore the way you give affection. My heart is thankful for the patience you have shown in return and how easily you forgive and move on. You are teaching me, little one. I have made many mistakes since having you but instead of brooding over my shortcomings like I always have, I am starting to embrace the journey and the lessons within. You are shaping me into a better person.

I am glad to be put in situations where my patience is tested because I have never paid much attention to this area in my life. Over the years, different experiences have forced me to confront who I really am and it has not been fun but I need it. I need the opportunity to grow and though I still revert to my old ways of choosing what is convenient, it's not good enough anymore because I have a pair of eyes on me. A pair of keen eyes and a pair of attentive ears and a heart that is open and readily absorbing and learning.

I'll never be perfect but I can certainly give you a better version of myself to observe. You will see me fall but I will show you how to get back up and become stronger. I won't just excuse the ugly ball of anger that makes it out way too often. It has surprised me how much I am capable of swearing and it is rather scary to see that it has turned into an almost daily response to even the most trivial of irritations. I am going to work on this because it matters. You matter. I care about the person you are and the person you are growing into and the person you will become. You are marvelous, did you know that? You will always be the miracle baby who made me a Mama and I thank you for that.  

Love, Mama

By the way, I am so sorry (again) for banging your head into the bookshelf today when lifting you up from the change table...it was a total accident (honest!) [Insert sheepish grin]