Rain and Narnia

My soul longs for You - Jesus Culture

"I believe You will come like the rain...revival rain...pour out Your spirit on this dry and parched land..." Lord, may my heart be ready to receive You, to be part of Your move. Bring the rain to wash away our sins, cleanse our hearts, renew our minds, and refresh us. May all oppression and darkness be drowned out so this land may be made new again. So we may be made whole.

God, I want to be seeking You always, with wholehearted devotion and purity, so I may see You. I want to know You and be sensitive to Your presence - know where You are, where You are going, what You are doing - and keep pace with You. I want to be so close with You. Take Your place Lord. Be enthroned for this land is Yours. We are Your children. We will dwell with You in Your kingdom forever.

Fab and I saw The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian on television, Saturday night. It was my second time watching the movie but on this occasion, a few things stood out. One, Lucy's relationship with Aslan. Lucy was the believer. The one with the child-like faith. Some may put it down to age but it takes maturity to keep our faith in God like that of a child's - full of hope, wonder and innocence. She had her questions but she never doubted.

Lucy found Narnia first. She took hold of it with all her heart and passionately shared the truth she discovered. In this second Narnian installment, she saw Aslan when the others did not. When asked why he did not see, Lucy suggested that Peter was not looking.

In the same vein, we do not see God when we do not search for Him or desire a personal encounter. Still, He is there, waiting and longing for us to know His heart and come close. Aslan had his reasons for waiting until a certain time to reveal himself again. There are times it appears God is in hiding, but He is all the while in control of everything and asks that we trust in His perfect plan and timing though we may not understand His thoughts and ways.

When Aslan finally met with Lucy, towards the end of the show, she rushed forward to embrace him. There was no awkwardness between them and no question as to whether he would receive her with as much excitement and adoration. The others were not so bold. When they crossed the river, Peter, Susan and Edmond immediately fell to one knee in reverence before Aslan. Lucy revered him but her relationship with Aslan was deeply personal and unrestrained as well. She knew Aslan as a king, protector and deliverer but also as a close companion. Perhaps the others knew they had wronged him in some way. Peter, for one, held disbelief in his heart. He took matters into his own hands and sought justice carelessly, which led to the deaths of many.

Do we realise that while God is worthy of awe in His sovereignty, majesty, power and righteousness, He is loving like a good father, intimate like a faithful lover, and fun like a best friend? If we bring our sins to Him in humility, He is quick to forgive and restore. We do not have to stay away out of guilt and shame.

In speaking of Peter, the second lesson I gained was to do with character. Peter was arrogant and impulsive. He never appreciated his younger brother, who was always supporting him, and he did not listen to others. He started out convinced of his ability to lead and make wise decisions but later realised his pride caused many to sacrifice their lives unnecessarily.

I know God is entrusting me with His Word and plans, so the question is, will I be a good steward? I cannot accomplish anything on my own terms or on my own understanding and strength. I must keep my eyes focused on God and not the circumstances. I need to allow God to change my heart so that I act out of genuine love and not self centredness.

Love, as I learnt at a recent church conference, is a character and not just an action. If I praise God's name and do good works before people but have not love, my deeds amount to nothing. My decisions in life have serious ramifications whether I acknowledge this or not. I want to fulfill my God-given destiny, enable others to do so, and leave a godly legacy for the generations to come.

The movie also highlighted the importance of timing and perseverance. When God gives direction, there is often a period of preparation and training. However, I tend to forget this and run ahead with the vision. I make plans and life choices and go about my business without consulting God further. I then get frustrated and disappointed when I don't see God bring about the outcome.

If I stay close to God every step of the way, I will realise that He needs to equip me first and this cannot be done overnight. Heart issues need to be addressed, knowledge and skills need to be gained. I need time to seek Him for greater revelation and wisdom and position myself to receive the blueprint before proceeding. I need to let His agenda become mine and fully align myself with His will so I am partnering with anticipation and not following grudgingly. This requires laying aside my selfish desires and fears, and committing my future to Him. It is a season of choosing Him over dreams that do not have eternal value.

It can often seem as though we labour for a long time before we experience the fruits and get to enjoy what God has in store. Yet it is in these hours that we need to persevere, reminding ourselves of God's character and ability to make whatever He has promised happen. Aslan came through for the Narnians in the end. We may wonder why he waited so long to help but victory was gained, lessons were learnt, characters were matured, weaknesses were overcome, and all was redeemed and restored.

Another point on timing was made at the end where Aslan stated that Peter and Susan would not return in the future as they had learnt all they could from Narnia. Although it can be difficult to move on from where we are at times, God works in seasons, so in life we face seasons of refining, seasons of favour and blessings, seasons of rest and seasons of establishing what He has given us to work on (likened to the assembling of an IKEA flat pack - perhaps I will touch on the sermon with this illustration another day).

Our church is moving into a season of fruitfulness, and I am very excited about this. The key is for me to not lose connection with God in the hype of everything that will be taking place next year.

I am second

I've found an incredible project.
This one is of Jason Castro, American idol.

Here's the one of Brian "Head" Welch, the ex-guitarist of KORN.

Amazing testimonies that demonstrate the love, grace and power of God.
I love this one of Bailee Madison, child actress.
(I am second website)

Such a happy looking wedding!

Wedding Favours - Photo from Design Sponge

I love mustard yellow! I wish I had thought to have my wedding in this colour scheme.
What's amazing is that the bride got her dress for $5!

Identity, security & stability



Identity, Security and Stability. The three areas God has been targeting in my heart, particularly this year. And rightly so. I realise the smallest things can set me off on a trail of self talk and tape-recorder type thinking, where I replay a conversation or a scene in my head over and over again. It happened just this week at Harbour Town when I collected my VIP card from the Tourist Lounge.

I had signed up for the card a couple of weeks prior but only went to retrieve it when Shin Yee and Nicole visited on Wednesday. The man behind the counter asked when I had registered as there was a glitch in the system a while back. He took down the reference number I had been given on the website and said, "Yes, that was one of the bad ones".

As he got up to find my card in a little filing box on the cabinet behind him, the man asked, "Did you receive an email asking you to collect your card?" In my haste, I replied, "Yes", not realising until after I walked out of the Tourist Lounge that the email had been about current discounts not to chase me to get my VIP membership sorted. "You're one of the late ones then. Did you get a free coffee voucher?", came the reply. "No, I didn't but I'm not a coffee drinker so I don't need one", I responded. He handed me the card and a list of participating stores, then said, "I don't even know why we reward people for being late". Out of defense, I said, "I didn't think it really mattered I hadn't come to get my card yet" and quickly left.

Once outside, I realised I had not been sent a reminder email and instantly wished I had clarified that with the man. Then it hit me. Why was this even bothering me? He was not condescending or sarcastic. He merely made an honest comment in a non-judgemental tone. He even smiled. But my brain went into overdrive and I found the conversation swimming in circles in my head, flicking visual images before my eyes like the toy binoculars I had as a child. The kind that has a black button you click on the side to change the picture. Mine was of Disney characters, Goofy and Pluto. I comforted myself with the fact that I would probably never meet the man again or be remembered.

Still, this incident made its point. Even if he had reprimanded me unjustly, should I allow this to affect my sense of self worth? I was being insecure. I am insecure, and because I am insecure, I am easily swayed in my emotions, which makes me unstable and immature. So this year, I am taking steps towards discovering my identity in God, and grasping how much He loves me and that He has called and chosen me to be one of His ministers. This requires getting to know God more intimately and not just knowing about Him or skimming across the surface of His truths.

I was reading 1 Samuel 2: 1-11 yesterday, which records Hannah's song of triumph and thanksgiving before God. My Connect Journal (a daily devotional created by my Church) says, "Hannah's prayer showed she had come to a place where she could rejoice in God more than in His blessing of a child. She delighted in God for she had come to know Him better through her challenging circumstance. She realised that God raised her from her humble state, and was her source of stability and deliverance in the face of ridicule."

It also points out "Little knowledge of God and His ways will mean little trust in God." I believe that when we don't place our trust in God, we end up placing it somewhere else, like in ourselves or others or in things. Such misplaced trust and security leads to disappointment, frustration and weariness as only God is truly sovereign over all things and is perfect in character. He is not fickle, unreliable or in any way incompetent.

The journal put forth the following challenge - "In what areas of your life do you apply your own understanding or feelings instead of God's Word?" This reveals the areas in which I do not comprehend God's heart enough to give Him full control. For me the answer is "Social injustice and future uncertainties relating to the well being of loved ones and personal protection, health and comfort." Being able to identity this and acknowledge where I am weak is the first step in overcoming my insecurity and instability. Now, I just need to allow God to work in my heart by surrendering my concerns to Him to look after.

I am glad I am His daughter :)

Oh, and I had a fabulous time with Shin Yee and Nicole. It was great bumping into Elise at Cafe 3Sixty as well. Next time, I'm going to bring them to the beach to soak in the goodness of God's handiwork. Ah, the joys of being refreshed in Him.

Who is more important to you?

1st Wedding Anniversary Aug 2009
Salt Village, Kingscliffe

Fab and I studied the first seven verses of 1 Samuel together last week, which led to a discussion about us. We had a couple of misunderstandings to clear. I have come to realise that my response to conflict is running and hiding. If I anticipate a negative comment towards me, I head in the opposite direction. I don't handle criticism, as constructive as it may be, very well.

Ironically, Fab has never uttered a harsh word. There are times he gently points out certain habits of mine that have caused him frustration or simply shares what is weighing on his mind and heart in relation to work, ministry and other areas of life. Although nothing is said in a demeaning or critical fashion, my guard rises when I think he is directly or indirectly voicing a concern with me.

I read too much into what is being said or not said and create my own interpretations of nuances, where none exist. By becoming defensive and turning my back, I send the message that I am not interested in hearing him out. I vanish because I am afraid of being hurt, as silly as it sounds. Thankfully, Fab remains patient and assuring of his love.

It has grown more apparent how we sometimes vary in communication style. We have different filters through which we process what we see and hear. This comes from our respective upbringings, life experiences, personality and level of maturity. There is no norm, as I inadvertently assumed. I may be accustomed to others responding in a certain way but cannot expect him to follow suit.

This was discovered when we reflected over certain past interactions. Nothing would have been resolved, however, had Fab not mentioned how he was being affected some nights earlier. It was one of those, "you tend to..., it makes me feel...because I think you..." conversations. All I heard was "I'm unhappy with you. You always..." so after mumbling I don't do whatever it is all the time, I turned the other way in bed. We didn't speak further and he fell asleep.

Fab broached the subject again after our bible study and we shared how each of us have been perceiving the other's words and behaviour. He confessed to feeling pressured to fix the supposed problem whenever I made certain comments. I, on the other hand, was not expecting him to find or be the solution. I was just mentioning whatever was at the top of my head in relation to what I was doing, like "the kitchen sink has a funny smell" or "the Internet connection suddenly dropped out on my laptop today and I tried everything I could think of but it didn't work". I wondered why he would give me a particular look, walk away, or give what seemed a dismissive reply.

Our conversation trailed off then, after a pause, Fab softly asked, "I know this may sound strange, but who is more important to you, you or I?" Whoa, I was not expecting that! But it made me acutely aware of my self centredness. All this while I had been looking out for my interests and feelings more. I wanted to be pleased, comforted, affirmed. Yes, I love and care about him but I have at times placed my desires above him. To Fab, I am more important and so he generously gives in order that I may be happy.

His question challenged me. It reminded me of my mother's pep talk. She pointed out that I do not consider Fab's needs and wants enough. I've held a grudge towards her comment as I did not find the example she used to back her observation fair. When Fab innocently asked the question, I realised my pride was the cause of anger at my mother's remark. I felt accused when she made it but in hindsight she was teaching me out of love and a recognition of the effect of my character flaw.

I have a long way to go in surrendering my rights to God and learning to be humble before Him and in all relationships but I want to love freely, not selfishly. I want to view others with God's perspective not my own. I so easily condemn others but it is not my place to judge. Lord, please continue to renew my mind and change my heart.

He holds my heart for I'm the apple of His eye

Colossians 2: 1-3, 6 & 7 "[Spiritual Fullness in Christ] I want you to know how hard I am contending for you...that you may be encouraged in heart...and have the full riches of complete understanding, to know the mystery of God...in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge...So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him,  rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."

In asking God to help me settle my emotions, that I may be obedient and set apart for His calling, I reckon He placed one of my emails in the spam box. I get daily updates from the community SheWrites but today, one of their messages landed in the junk folder. I check that folder occasionally to ensure nothing important goes amiss and noticed the SheWrites header. Upon scanning the email, a word jumped out at me. Not a bad word or a word one would tend to think much of when seen on its own, yet this particular word, though rarely used, carries an emotional tie.

I think, God in His wisdom, intentionally moved the email from my inbox to protect my heart. Alright, so I saw it in the end, but had I not, it would not have occurred to me that He does care about every tiny detail and possibly wants me to know that He guards my heart because He is loving towards me. So there I said it, "God loves me and is sensitive towards my feelings".

In step with God

I looked up to see a pair of birds gliding across the pale blue-grey sky as I drove out of my estate this morning. They moved together, swaying as if with the wind. Though side by side, one was slightly behind and appeared to be mirroring the other. It kept in step, or should I say flight, effortlessly. Watching them while the gate opened, I considered the relationship between the pair.

How does one keep in step with another as if it were completely natural? I would think it takes trust and a close bond. If I know my partner well and trust their character and decisions, I will not be tempted to carve my own path or get flustered trying to match their pace. Their behaviour will not shock or confuse me as to throw me off beat.

Is it not this way when we come to know God's heart and attune ourselves to His Spirit? I remember Millie once telling me that the Spirit is like a dove sitting on our shoulder. A dove is a gentle bird, one that can easily be shaken. With this in mind, we would be careful of our actions to not startle the dove or cause it to leave. Sinning serves as sudden jolts in our walk, which grieve the dove.

If I know my God, in whom my identity and security are founded, I will be able to flow alongside as He moves through the different seasons of life.

Speaking of seasons, I was inspired by Vanessa (Chia) today. It was a fruitful time of sharing and prayer. She noticed the number plate of a black car we were following on our way to West End for cupcakes. PSM37 it was. As I was pouring out the tea, she said, "Psalm 37, I must read it again. Did you see the license plate of the car in front of us earlier?" I fished out my Bible and read the passage aloud. What a timely word for us both. She gave me a high-five as a I closed the Book.

Apart from opening up about her experiences and personal encounters with God this year, she made a comment that stuck. A comment about understanding what we're asking of God. She was listening to the song "Show me Your glory" by Jesus Culture and reflecting on what she calls 'powerful lyrics', when the question popped in.

"Do I know what I am asking for?" She began asking God what His glory looks and feels like, and what occurs when His glory is revealed. She considered Bible passages that speak of God's glory and realised it was largely associated with His holiness. When God showed His glory, sin was exposed and those who were present thought they were going to die. "One must die to oneself. Everything that is unnecessary needs to be stripped away", Vanessa said.

This taught me something. When I worship God through songs or offer prayers, am I fully aware of what I am professing or requesting? Do I mean the words my mouth utters? When I sang "Show me Your glory" in church, were these just empty words?

I can now say they were because I honestly did not put much thought into what I was voicing. I did not stop to ponder over the lyrics or ask myself if I knew what I was asking of the Lord. Perhaps that is why I did not encounter His glory. Had He shown up that way, I might as well have been zapped for where was my heart at anyway? Still steeped in sin un-confessed and un-dealt with. I still do not fully comprehend what God's glory is but at least I know now to look into these things. When I discover the meaning behind God's Word and receive revelation from His Spirit, I can impart this to others so they too may worship Him in spirit and in truth.

i ♥ and a life lesson

Gorgeous table settings from Homelife - suggestions for Christmas (under links for the home). A welcome distraction.

This afternoon ended up being an emotional ride. Thank God for Belle - her wise, godly wisdom and heartfelt prayer. God, I commit my feelings and those involved to You. I know You can turn the mess I've made into something good as I continue to walk in Your ways. Thank You for Your forgiveness, for freeing me from guilt.

I'm learning that making the right choices is a way of honouring others. It honours God's destiny for them and releases them to discover and walk in His purposes, so they may leave a good legacy for their children and the generations to come. It does the same in my life. Though it hurts to let go of soul ties, I know one day many will walk in the fruits of this decision.

I could

I could wonder if I missed a given opportunity;
whether I was meant to take that content writing course
or some other form of study or prepare myself in some other way.

I could blame myself for all the videos watched,
which have probably killed a few brain cells.

I could get narky at the glass and wooden floorboards
that refuse to be free of white streaks.

I could question the point of my existence,
and spend hours in bed contemplating if I should bother getting up.

I could devise a plan to run away from my life,
and all I've ever known as a way of escaping my mistakes.

I could, but I won't. Well, not anymore at least.

I missed the exit onto the motorway back to the Gold Coast while driving home from the Brisbane airport. The roadworks threw me slightly and there was no way to turn back. I figured I would follow the city route home, which meant not having to pay a toll fee anyway. After finding myself in the Northern suburbs, I realised I should have followed the road towards Eagle Farm instead. Still, it wasn't a huge detour. I was soon on the Inner City Bypass heading for the Pacific Highway. There was no reason to hurry so I chose not to get angry at myself as I usually do under such circumstances.

The roundabout trip home got me thinking about the mistakes I have made in life. Mistakes more costly than simply taking a wrong turn on the road. It is not that I pin-pointed specific blunders or poor choices, but I reflected on how God's love and grace cover our wrongs. My slow judgement on the road meant a longer journey and a little extra on fuel, but it only took an additional seven minutes (maybe I was driving like a maniac). There was still a way back. Signs to where I was supposed to go.

Although I have failed to make the right decisions in life, hindering growth and progress, God has found a way to work with these errors. After all, He knew from the start I would be making them. I would be lying if I said I don't have regrets, or worry if I have disqualified myself from certain good things. But, mulling over the past only costs me more time and energy. It takes my attention away from what God is establishing in the here and now. It's like driving with my focus fixated on the rear view mirror and not on the road in front.

God is bigger than my mistakes. I can learn from past ones. I admit to being concerned about the future but that is where the trust comes in. I'm just afraid I'll not hear Him and lose out. I don't want to get to the end and realise it was all my fault. I've yet to become so attuned to God's voice. But I don't just want to stick to God so that my life will turn out great and I'll make something of myself. I want to stick with Him because I love Him. Maybe then will my anxiety of missing His best disappear. Actually, I stand corrected. Knowing and loving Him gives me everything. I should see nothing more valuable than that. Not any other blessing.

No doubt, it is difficult to plan ahead when there are variables I cannot control. Yet failing to plan equates to planning to fail. What I can do is put into place events and activities I have knowledge of. At this stage, God has not stopped us from moving back to Singapore, so we have worked out a logical time frame for this. Then there are the three weddings to attend, so these have been locked into the calendar and holiday plans have been made. Flights have been booked. Research is underway.

If God's higher thoughts and ways allow for an "unforeseen" situation to arise, I will just need to learn to let Him make the big decisions. My plans should always be flexible in view of His will. Sometimes, it is just hard to let go and hand over the reins. But I cannot deny that God has been incredibly good and faithful. He does not upset our agenda simply because He gets bored and figures it'll provide some form of entertainment. There is always a greater purpose even if I cannot see it.

I often get mad when things do not go my way but God is teaching me humility and patience. Lessons like that are not gained when warning of an upheaval is given ahead of time. It is in that sudden moment of realising the situation is out of my hands that I am strongly persuaded to consider who holds my future. And who holds my future loves me with an everlasting love. That is all I need to know.

Right now, I commit my fears to You, Lord. I give over these negative thoughts. The discouragement that so easily sets in. I am contending for peace, for joy, for hope. Open my eyes, ears and heart to what You are doing in my life and around the world. Help me grasp the reason for this season and to not let it go to waste. Allow me to be a testimony. Help me understand how much of this I'm supposed to make happen and how much of this You're supposed to make happen so I don't confuse our roles.

Don't let me walk away from Your soft prompting. Don't let me build this relationship on fear and worry. I choose not to be offended or disappointed when it initially appears You have "disrupted" my plans. Yours are best. They always have been and always will be. Please forgive me for the times I have blamed You and cursed inside, and failed to appreciate Your heart's intentions.

Your Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

[Song: Power of Your Love by Don Moen]

This season - lessons gained

It has been a long time coming. Me learning to place my security in God and trust Him fully. These are areas He has been speaking about for years as I have yet to completely overcome my lack of confidence in His goodness and sovereignty. God knows it will do me no good to continue with fear and worry. A pessimistic mindset will only make my future look bleak even if it holds promises of greatness.

This year has been one big lesson in placing my life squarely in God's hands without hesitating or changing my mind and taking it back. A lesson in understanding that God works in seasons, which makes recognising what season I am in crucial. I spent most of the year feeling guilty for taking a break, and trying to justify myself by looking constructive and busy. That did not achieve anything but make me feel harassed and tired.

At this point, though, I am far more settled and at rest. I have accepted that God has given me this time. He has provided for Fab and I to remain financially stable during this period. Denying that this was meant to be a season of rest only prolonged my frustration and sense of aimlessness. Demanding that God hurry with opening the door to my dream job only led to anxiety, impatience and dissatisfaction. I was far more concerned with the opinions of others than what God was trying to establish in my life.

It is more important for me to walk according to His plans than to be approved by people, however. All my life I have tried to live up to the expectations of others and now I ask myself what the purpose of that was. God has written my destiny and it is up to me to discover what that is. I could conform to the patterns of this world by meeting the standards set by societal culture and norms but this would probably lead me in the other direction. If I answer only to humankind, I miss out on the truest relationship of all and lose myself in the process.

I want to experience's God peace. The only way that is going to happen is if I assess my decisions against what God thinks of me and my life. I could receive the most logical sounding advice from others but if it opposes God's good, pleasing and perfect will, it would be pointless to follow suit. My advisers did not pay the way for me to have salvation and an eternity of joy and meaning. I don't belong to them. I belong to God and His kingdom.

I am more than a daughter, friend and wife on earth. My self worth extends beyond my roles and responsibilities. I am no lesser than the next person even if I do not hold a job, earn a certain wage or have children. There are those who are convinced otherwise and somehow believe it is their place to remind me of my duties. They do so perhaps because they love me and are afraid I am headed for destruction. I am after all 30 and have been married for two years. Perhaps they are not able to see it any other way. This is not the time to be figuring my life out, or is it?

One day I will look back on this season and say it was but a flash in time, yet it prepared me for what was ahead. I will proclaim the benefits of this season and others will witness how I became a better person because of it.

It is easier to keep myself occupied than it is to consciously make the effort to slow down and reflect. To stop and question the motives behind my work, be it professionally, in ministry or even at home. Some call it an Asian mentality. The fear of being regarded as lazy and unaccomplished. The fear of missing an opportunity. So my days were filled with some form of activity or distraction, whether necessary or not.

By entering this season, I have been forced to confront where my security lies. To question who I am without my performance. Am I still worthy? Does my inactivity make me a failure? For years I survived within structure. Structure at work and structure in church. I abided by all protocol, I fulfilled all requirements, checked all task boxes. (Alright, so maybe I dropped the ball a couple of times) I met the part. But did I ever become the part or was I merely acting?

When all my titles are set aside, am I able to stand? When I do not have achievements and accolades to back myself up, can I still hold my head high? Do I know who I am apart from everything I have ever been involved in? If the reason for my involvement became to meet human expectations, does that mean my work over the years has counted for nothing? 

These are the questions I am finding answers to this year.

Still, I was beginning to worry that this year was becoming a total loss as well until Millie thanked me yesterday. Touching one precious life has made this journey all worth it. Truth be told, I thank God for Millie as she has encouraged me tremendously. Millie is a friend I feel refreshed being around. She makes me want to get closer to God just by being herself. We have great talks. Talks I hope will continue even though she'll be in Africa. Although I am going to miss my dear friend, I am so excited for God's grand plan for her to come to fruition!

God's timing is indeed perfect. He is neither slow, as we define slowness, nor fast. There are seasons that seem to go by like the crawl of a snail, but before we know it, time gets pulled out from other us and flies away like a magic carpet.

Elle gave me a great analogy today, a word she felt God give for this season. Dendrochronology. Or, for the lay person such as myself, tree-ring dating. No, Elle did not mention the word, she simply described the illustration. I found the term on Wikipedia.

As you may already know, the age of a tree can typically be ascertained by counting the number of rings on its cross section. Each ring represents a year in the life of the tree. Elle explained that the cross section of a tree can be likened to a clock. The only difference is it takes an entire year for the markings to make a full circle. A year may appear to be a long time, but in that year the tree matures and bears fruit. It endures different seasons and becomes stronger as it is allowed to follow its natural pace. For this reason, I think it is apt that the markings are also called growth rings.

Elle suggested that God is taking this year to build something in my life, and that I should not rush the process but take the time to understand what He wants to achieve during this time. It is difficult, she noted, to work with a clock that takes a year to complete one cycle. Difficult to consciously slow down and take stock of what is going on in and around our lives. However, we can reap from this practice.

When all is said and done, I want to know I kept in God's pace. That I walked with Him as His daughter and friend. That I was faithful with all He entrusted to me. If I do not know who I am and whether I can lean on my God in all situations, and I go about my day just pleasing others, that would be a waste. If I miss out on having an inseparable intimacy with my Maker, and the adventures He has waiting for me, the people whose criteria I matched will not be able to redeem my loss. So I live for Him instead.

I am handing Him my desires - for a job I love and feel thoroughly fulfilled doing, for healing, for a child, and to not be left out. I don't have to have all the answers right now. I don't need to justify what I'm doing (or not doing). There are others on this journey and one day my experiences will serve as a testimony for them to find freedom.

By the grace of God, I am where I am, I have what I have, and I am who I am. And I am learning to appreciate this chance and find joy, peace and hope in Him.

I am also grateful to Fab and my family, and all who have encouraged me in some way (in alphabetical order) - Ailing, Angela, Belle, Charis, Chia Yen, Elise, Faith, Hana, Jason Chong, Jodie, Judith (in Singapore), Julie, Kudzi, Lance, Liane, Millie, Nicole, Pei Yin, Priscilla, Rayson, Roy, Shin Yee, and Tom. If you're reading this and I forgot to place your name here, you have permission to leave a message with a cartoon face sticking out its tongue. I apologise in advance for my horrid absent-mindedness.

Our century's greatest injustice

"Individuals can make a difference, and they should, because we individuals can, together, help create a movement. And a movement of men and women is what's needed to bring about social change, change that will address this great moral challenge of oppression towards girls and women globally.

So then, what's in it for you? You're probably asking that. Why should you care? I will just leave you with two things.

One is that research shows that once you have all of your material needs taken care of -- which most of us, all of us, here in this room do -- research shows that there are very few things in life that can actually elevate your level of happiness. One of those things is contributing to a cause larger than yourself.

The second thing is this anecdote. The story of an aid worker in Darfur. Here was a woman who had worked in Darfur, seeing things that no human being should see. Throughout her time there, she was strong, she was steadfast. She never broke down. And then she came back to the United States and was on break, Christmas break. She was in her grandmother's backyard when she saw something that made her break down in tears. It was a bird feeder. She then realized that she had the great fortune to be born in a country where we take security for granted, where we not only can feed, clothe and house ourselves, but also provide for wild birds so they don't go hungry in the winter. And she realized that with that great fortune comes great responsibility.

Like her, you, me, we have all won the lottery of life. And so the question becomes: how do we discharge that responsibility?"

Sheryl WuDunn (points from her talk on Ted.com)

Hannah's story

The name Hannah means graciousness and favour. Millie pointed out that grace gives us strength and carries us through the difficult times (2 Corinthians 12:9). Having God's grace does not mean we are exempt from adversity (James 1: 2-4). It means we are able to worship and enjoy God regardless of what is happening in our lives or around us. His grace and favour enables us to see our situations from His point of view and experience joy, hope and peace.

Although God chose to close Hannah's womb for years without providing her with an explanation, and she faced ridicule because of it, she did not lose faith in Him. She remained humble and reverent towards God. Hannah, I believe, was pure and righteous and did not blame God for her predicament. She stayed close with Him and openly poured out her innermost desires and anguish to God, trusting He could and would respond in time. She believed God to be good and in control.

Millie mentioned God is outside time and space, and is capable of redeeming time lost. I may see this year as a waste but perhaps God has worked in me and through me something I have not yet identified. Even if I have made mistakes and the time hasn't been spent the way God intended, He knew from the beginning what my decisions would be and as I continue to commit my ways to Him, His love can cover over my wrong and restore what has been lost. This encouraged my heart.

In view of Hannah's plight, I thought of why God would close the wombs of those who love and serve Him faithfully and who desire for a child, as opposed to those who do not see children as miraculous gifts from God and so either abort or abuse them. Roy began sharing how the trials God allows tests and refines our character, as I pondered over the thought in my head. He made the comment that leaders or those whom God has placed a high calling upon are probably stretched more as God is preparing them for what is ahead.

This made me realise that if one can offer their deep desire for a child and the actual child to God as a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving, one could probably do anything for God. Abraham wanted a child so much and after waiting and believing for (I think) 40 years, God's promise of an offspring was finally fulfilled. Then, the unthinkable took place. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. Literally. Like a roast pig almost. And Abraham obeyed. He responded immediately and though his heart was likely in angst, he knew God had the power to raise someone from the dead or provide an offering in replacement of his son. Hannah too was willing to dedicate her firstborn, Samuel, to God. After weaning Samuel, she brought him to where the priest Eli was to serve God for the rest of his life.

Abraham and Hannah must have had an incredibly close relationship with God. They would not have known and trusted Him to that degree otherwise. When they both made the decision to hand God what (or in this case whom) they most treasured, God honoured them in return. Their hope in Him and act of commitment gave them renewed strength and the peace to carry on. 

I believe those who long greatly for a child and those who view their children as precious, learn what it means to have unconditional love for someone. Essentially, they discover the very heart of God as they parent their treasured one. They also become willing to sacrifice personal interests, comfort and even their lives to protect their children. So then, if one can give God full control over what happens to their child, one can probably overcome any hardship and accomplish the great things God has ordained for them.

The thing is, God does not seek to short change us. We need not fear we are going to miss out, something I realise I often do. God did not ask for Abraham to give up Isaac because He is cruel. God did not close Hannah's womb because He was biased against her and so decided to be mean. Through their circumstances, Abraham and Hannah were brought even closer to God. He probably revealed a facet of His character they had not discovered yet.

Although I still have questions regarding God's choice to allow children to suffer abuse, God matters more than the answers. All I need to hang onto right now is that fact that He is good and He can redeem. He is working on what I see as grave problems in our society. And He is not moving too slowly, as I sometimes accuse Him of doing.

God wants me to learn something about who He is and who I am in Him during this season. If I choose to have the right mindset and believe He is good and can be trusted, I position myself for blessing. To receive His peace and portion. He wants to bless our socks off so there's no point in trying to calculate a reasonable outcome or weigh the pros and cons of our input, says Roy (my paraphrase).

Roy explained that God is our Master chef. He prepares the table beautifully and sets the ambience, then serves each course one at a time - the entree, main and dessert. Each course is timed just so and is mouth-wateringly good. Each builds on the one before and the enjoyment of the meal culminates with the well-rounded dessert. The perfect closure. Choosing to eat the courses in a different order upsets the balance and harmony of flavours and ruins the experience. Choosing to have all courses at once destroys any element of surprise, and can be likened to blending the three dishes and sucking the final product through a straw.

When I reflected on the way I immediately complained to God at the sight of rain the morning, I got the sense that God was challenging me with the following thought: Why view situations with the mindset that God is trying to take pleasure away or aims to upset me? Why not see it as God being in the process of preparing something good? A construction site is ugly and can bring great inconvenience when it results in backed up traffic. Yet after the noisy mess is gone and done with, a fine establishment stands. Construction does not last forever and when we begin to enjoy the fruits of it, we sometimes forget the days it existed and brought us discomfort.

God is building into our lives a foundation that will last forever. He wants us to be strong. He is investing in us. Eaglets gets tossed out of the nest when the mother eagle realises it is time for them to learn how to fly. They fall rapidly through the air, probably petrified of what their own mother has just done to them. She watches carefully all the while though, and swoops in to carry them if they are about to hit the ground. The falling experience seems all too much but the mother knows it is a necessary process for her babies. It is for their best though for a while it appears unfair and overwhelming. In due time, her little ones begin to take flight and soar as their wings have been strengthened from the challenge.

(Above are revelations from yesterday's bible study session with Millie and Roy - refer to previous post for details of the wonderful day)

Today was such a great day!

It started out looking pretty dreary, with an overcast sky and a light shower, at six in the morning when I sent Fab to the train station. My instincts kicked in and I grumbled to God about the weather. "I'm going to Harbour Town with Roy this morning as we need to pick up a present. Harbour Town does not have covered walkways, God. And Millie and I have been planning to go to the beach for some time now and finally we managed to set a date and that date is today and well we really want to go to the Spit together before she heads back to Zimbabwe on Monday, so why does it have to rain today God?"

God wanted to know why my first reaction is to complain when something doesn't seem to go my way. "Is it not possible that I may clear the skies later in the morning? You're not going to the beach right away. I hide treasures for you not from you." So I tried to look at the situation from a different angle and came up with the explanation that perhaps He was just spring cleaning to prepare the beach for our day out. Sure enough, the weather was perfect when Roy and I reached Harbour Town, and even better when Millie and I went to the the Spit.

I joined Millie and Roy for bible study this morning after the quick trip to the shops, and boy am I glad I did! I asked Millie why I had not thought of doing so earlier. It was the best bible study I have had so far! We looked at Hannah's story in 1 Samuel and I thought it was incredibly apt as God has been promising our church fruitfulness after a season of barrenness (and I don't just mean this literally as with childbearing).

Apart from addressing a few questions in the bible study material Millie found, we took turns to share what we've been going through this year and how this particular bible lesson can be applied to where we are at. We then prayed for one another, receiving visions and words of knowledge from God.

How blessed I am to have friends like Roy and Millie in my life. How blessed I am to have the church Fab and I attend. How blessed I am, fullstop! The time did not even cross my mind, I was just soaking it all in. I'll post some of the notes I took down tomorrow. All I'm going to say right now is I am so encouraged and refreshed.

What topped it all was the trip to the Spit with Millie. We walked along the pier all the way to the lighthouse chatting and taking in the view of the waves, breakers and rock walls. Oh, and some little crabs and a ton of barnacles. My jeans were drenched by the end of our escapade as we decided to collect pretty stones and shells off the beach and were soon prancing through the incoming tide without thinking twice. I had the bottom of my jeans rolled up but Millie successfully splashed water onto me, and in my haste to return the favour, I landed up wet instead.

I collected five stones today, four of which are about the size of my thumbprint and shaped like tear drops (photo above). Each has a unique colour, pattern and texture. The fifth is much larger and has been dubbed my gratitude rock. Millie picked out one for herself and suggested I get one.

For me, the four stones represent the four seasons, signifying seasons we go through in life. Though the stones have weathered many storms, the lines etched into their surfaces contribute to their beauty. Perhaps we have shed many tears through the difficult seasons, but our circumstances help shape us into someone greater.

Dinner was at Katie and Andy's place, which by the way is just gorgeous! The food was terrific and the company even better. We met Maria, Katie's friend from Norway, who is utterly beautiful, heard stories of her experiences with Youth on a Mission (YOM), and looked through photos of Andy and Katie's recent holiday in Samoa. The bright blue waters, rainbow coloured huts and warm pinkish-orange sunsets looked so inviting.

This day has made me feel completely relaxed and refreshed and I learnt so much at the bible study. Stay tuned for the revelations (or heavenly downloads, as Pastor Lance and Belle will say) I received.

I really must go to bed now as it's an 8am start tomorrow with Elise. Another wonderful adventure to be had!

After post: God gave Elise and I perfect weather for walking along the broadwater and breakfast at Cafe Riviera facing the sea. What a beautiful morning with her and our plates of maple syrup drizzled french toasts, strawberry (yes, they only gave one sliced berry) and caramelised banana.

Learning to walk with God

"While they were worshipping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, "Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them." So after they had fasted and prayed, they placed their hands on them and sent them off." Acts 13: 2-3

The prophets and teachers in the church in Antioch did not hassle the Lord for direction. They did not constantly question what the next step would be. They simply worshipped the Lord and prepared themselves spiritually through a time of prayer and fasting. While doing so, God spoke.

It has been 9 months and a week since I resigned, following a strong prompting in my heart to set out in a new direction. It was time to move on, after months of crying and consulting. A fresh season awaited. In retrospect, I believe the decision was made at the right time as the department I was working in underwent a major restructure after I left. From what colleagues have described, it is best I didn't stay any longer.

Although God has given many promises, I have yet to uncover His specific calling for me. There is still little clarity in relation to the new direction He has been speaking of since the presbytery late 2008. He confirmed earlier on that He gave me this break, that it wasn’t a result of selfish intentions. Yet I never thought I’d be unemployed for this long. I wanted to complete a writing course and have some time to reflect, but I have continually searched for work closer to home. I set July as the month to begin a new position.

This year has made it Evian spring water clear, however, that God does not work according to my plans or timing.

My sense of identity and security have been threatened as a result, but God has remained unfazed by my apparent waiver in hope. Truth be told, He has orchestrated the events leading to such shaking of my foundation. A foundation I now realise was not in Him, and therefore unstable and bound for destruction.

I've learnt that who I am and my level of capability are independent of whether I have a baby (now that I'm 30 and our second wedding anniversary has passed), am in a decent job, and am serving actively in church ministry. I am, despite popular societal belief, not defined by outward appearance, possessions or measures such as employability, income level, status, and usefulness (for people who befriend others if the association reaps a desired benefit). I am loved and wanted even if the general community (or close ones) find me dull (or a sponge to my husband's assets).

Sure, I have now largely settled into my current state of, as some affectionately term it, "lady-leisureliness", and have become more comfortable with where I am at in life. But, thoughts of "When is this going to end? I need a paying job, a focus, a purpose!", "God, have You forgotten me or is this taking ages because I'm making mistakes?", and “Help, 9 months have gone down the loo, I want to do my life over!" still pop in.

I catch myself asking God for assurance in such moments, to tell me if He wanted me to spend the past months differently and whether I have failed the tests He lay for this season. Is there a project I should have begun? He has not given an answer but has instead assured me of His love and promise to make something great out of my life. He is mysterious but this ultimately provides joy and wonder in our walk with Him.

This journey has certainly been a lesson in walking. "No Jos, that's running. Slow down. Don't rush ahead of Me.", "No Jos, there's no need to glance backwards or halt and stare at what's behind." "Now you're just spinning in circles. Come with Me.", "Yes, walk alongside Me. I have plenty to show you, much to tell. Now isn't that better? You can catch your breath, straighten out your thoughts and appreciate everything we pass by. We'll even sit on a grassy hill sprinkled with flowers to take the view in and have a little nap. I've packed the snacks."

Enoch walked with God. He wasn't just before the Lord in service or following humbly after, but he walked in step with God as one would when regarded an equal or close companion. "Enoch lived 365 years and then was no more because God took him away." He didn't even face death. Perhaps God just wanted His best friend to hang out with Him in heaven. 

If I keep myself planted in my Maker's world (seeing this world from His heavenly perspective), I will be unperturbed, not only by the discouraging comments of others, but also by the calamities across our nations. I will be able to overcome my fear of confronting issues such as rape, human trafficking and abuse, and bring about a positive change.

It is like a dance. I lean back against Him to rest and draw strength. This renews my mind and heart and fills me to overflowing. Then I lean forward and pour out everything He has given me so others may share in the blessing. Then I lean back again. And so it goes. A gentle, easy dance. Yet one I have not quite gotten the hang of. I’m stiff and clumsy so dancing does not come naturally.

Rest is sometimes equated to laziness. Serve less in church and someone labels you a backslider. Take time off work and someone smirks jealously at your not having to contribute financially. The question emerges in conversations, “So what exactly have you been doing?”

A need to justify myself then arises. I have had to let go of this overwhelming urge. Still, it wins me over now and then. “I must prove I am not useless. I must prove I am not a terrible wife. I must show them I am indeed a good Christian girl. The filial daughter, the faithful church server, the respectable friend.”

One friend suggested I point out that ladies of leisure do not wipe, scrub, vacuum and mop, launder the clothes, grocery shop and cook, tidy the home, or keep check of the expenses. But I am tired of trying to retort ‘accusations’. I have lived years pretending, playing the part, and now I am tired, so please take away your expectations and just love me without conditions.

I am told God does. I used to think His promises were burdensome, too lofty to attain. “How unjust of Him to impose such pressure on tiny, unaccomplished me.” But no, with every calling comes the guarantee of His presence and help. I just haven’t come to a place of totally surrendering myself to partner with Him.

Yet I wonder, like in the song by Addison Road, “If everything comes down to love, what exactly am I afraid of”? God is neither insufficient nor incompetent. What good reason, then, can there be to not cry, “My soul longs for You...nothing else will do” like Misty Edwards?

Why does my soul long for someone or something else? Could anyone or anything match the grace of God? Could my husband, friends, or the internet be my security?

God, do not let me wander in the desert*. The disobedience of the Israelites resulted in aimlessness, fruitlessness and unnecessary suffering. You were holding a land flowing with utter goodness. You were promising rest, but they did not believe You. They died in the desert, missing out on all You had in store for them.

I have failed on many counts this year. I have been angry, impatient and depressed, none of which demonstrate faith in You and Your word. There are a couple of areas I know I need to address. Perhaps they are hindering me from moving into Your promised land.

I worry I am taking longer than necessary, for a couple of people have mentioned that some are slower in figuring things out though good will come of it. I don’t want to be seen as slow. I am guessing You are not concerned with such things. You are shaking my foundations and directing my eyes to You. You want my undivided heart, my full attention. You are not in a hurry to get things done. You care about the process not just the outcome.

God, may I truly enjoy You. May this year count for something really good.

*Fab inadvertently said “They wandered in the dessert” during his teaching on Sunday, before quickly correcting himself. Liane turned to me with the response, “Jelly pudding. No wonder they found it difficult to get across. It was so wobbly.” I pictured the Israelites with their feet stuck in red jelly and custard flowing around them, looking rather perplexed. She made me smile.

Shin Yee & Rayson's Wedding

Annoying how one of my eyes is smaller than the other

i ♥

Threadless Designs

Hello Mr Blue Sky

I've come across so many Threadless designs I like but for some reason, I don't do online shopping. Anyway, there's no harm in "Internet Explorer 8 window" shopping I guess.

i ♥

I found these necklaces via the link to Pigeonhole on Karen Cheng's website. I love the antique-looking keys. I know Belle does too for they hold a prophetic meaning. God has said on several occasions that He has given each one in our church the keys to the community and the nations. The key to unlock hearts and free people from bondage, be it figuratively like with an addiction or cripplingly negative mindset, or literally as with human trafficking.

And here's one of a cute house. Interestingly, someone once had a vision of God giving me a house. A beautiful large house with a garden. Not too sure what that means exactly...

It doesn't have to be

Following God doesn't have to be a head game. Yet it often is for me. The battlefield of the mind. The warring thoughts, the tugging emotions. Swaying now to the left, and now to the right.

David Gray sings (in Babylon), "Let go of your heart, let go of your head. And feel it now." Jenn Johnson from Bethel Church incorporated this when worshipping with the song "I love Your presence" by Anthony Skinner. She took the lines "And if you want it, come and get it, crying out loud. The love that I was giving you was never in doubt" from David, singing "And if you want it, come and get it, crying out loud. The love that He has (referring to God) given you is never in doubt".

We were made for abandonment. To experience freedom. But we hold back out of fear. The fear of others' opinions. Some of us are told that expressing praise through the extension of our hands,clapping, bowing, kneeling, dancing (even if it appears uncoordinated and uncool), jumping, shouting triumphantly, the use of instruments and the like is undignified and unnecessary. Others view such acts as cult-like. "Fanatics", they brand us. Yet it's "anything goes" at a rock concert, club or sports game.

People lose themselves in alcohol and drugs. They yell profanity and abuse one another. This has become a norm in various societies. People putting themselves aside to focus on the infallible God (not a fallible heavy metal band leader or business guru or rugby star) and connect with Him, however, is counted insane, weak, foolish.

Where is the logic in that?

When asked why we awkwardly stand and observe the worship in church, or simply choose to stay solemnly still without entering into God's presence, do we respond with, "Well, God knows my heart", "I have an introverted personality", "I don't feel like it", "This is Church"?

Do we truly grasp how much God loves us? Do we recognise He is the only one worthy of our complete worship and devotion, that He's the only one who can carry our burdens? That if we don't praise God, who only has our best interests in mind, we will consciously or unconsciously praise someone or something else? Our passivity robs us of our destiny. Our calling can only be achieved through our wholehearted response.

If it feels like God doesn't show up, it's because we haven't honestly given Him an invitation or room to sit with us.

We're blinded and deceived because the enemy knows if we figure out the truth, we will have the power of God working in and through our lives. That there will be genuine rest, peace, joy (and so strength), hope, healing, purity, boldness, victory, unity and salvation.

Are we willing to give Him a chance to show Himself real in our lives?

Perhaps I wait for that one incredible personal encounter with God, thinking that I will then naturally respond with total surrender. But perhaps God waits for me to choose surrender, despite whatever is going on in my life or how stupid I feel I look, before revealing what I've been missing out on. 

He has held nothing back from me but there is so much in store I have yet to receive and experience because of my own choices. He does not hide treasures from me but for me to find and revel in.

He doesn't play games that taunt and tease us, so why do we? Why do we bargain and blame, and make empty promises?

Following God does require our heads. It is perfectly logical. God is intellectual and He's made us intellectual. In fact, He's given us wonderful minds. He did not create robots or defected goods. We do not throw away our wisdom and blindly obey. We obey because we know it is the wisest decision. We've worked out He is good and can be trusted, even if uncertainty lies ahead. We exert the effort to consciously throw off the negative thoughts and feelings that hinder (so in this regard, we are "letting go of our heart and head"). The thoughts that take our voice and press on our hands and feet so hard we cannot move.  

(Reflections on this song and my current read: The Great Connection by Bonnie Deuschle)