You are capable, and capable of more

'Daughter you have been hesitant. And you have said within your heart, “Lord, I just want to know it’s You and I’ll go that direction, I’ll go all the way but God, it’s got to be You, it just can’t be something I want. I've got to make sure it’s You”.

“I have heard your cry and I'm going to bring a peace to your heart that goes beyond anything that you have known, the worries and the anxieties and the cares that you have had, even the cares about life, and the cares about ‘what about this part of life and that part?’ I'm going to bring the peace and I'm going to give a resolution to your mind and to your heart, that there will not be a kind of anxiety, and that which seems to be setting things aside, you will begin to see how the Lord has made provision for those things as you walk, and it will not be as though you missed out, but it will be that the Lord has made the provision for those things that you are anxious about”.

You have such a tender heart and such a desire to touch others’ lives, that you’re so afraid that you’ll get hurt, so afraid they won’t receive you. And I just see God opening doors for you to be received, to be loved, to be able to pour into, especially into young women, into their lives.

They need to hear what you have to say. They need to hear what God’s put in your heart. You are holding back things that you've got words of knowledge and words of wisdom and you’re just waiting for the right time. Well, the time is now. Begin to give it out. Begin to touch their lives and you’ll see their lives changed.

Don’t be afraid. The biggest thing that’s going to stop you is fear. Fear is the absence of trust. So begin to trust Him and let the fear go.'

Sandwiches not Included

[As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her - Luke 10:38-42]

Oh how I relate with Martha. I surround myself with noise, keeping busy with things that often aren't all that important. I reason it makes sense to clear my list of 'to-dos' first thing in the morning so I may sit down in peace to spend time with God and get work done on the laptop. Why dawdle when I can get the laundry, vacuuming, mopping, cleaning and bed making out of the way so they're not sitting on my mind right? But then I get distracted with other things after completing those chores, and poor God gets neglected.

Ironically, I'm the same in ministry. It's easy to get stuck into the responsibilities, whether I want to bear them or not, simply so the job's done. There are times I wait to see if others will volunteer for the role but if an item keeps reappearing on the agenda, I'd rather raise a hand and get it out of the way. Sadly, I then fail to value the purpose behind the achievement and merely meet the brief outwardly. Some may think it enough to abide by the motto "We don't always do something because we feel like it, we do it because we know it's right". But the Holy Spirit grieves at my lack of zeal and willingness to seek His intentions.  

Perhaps the desire for a sense of accomplishment persuades us to compile long lists so there is a satisfaction when each point is given a strike-through. Do we feel any less about ourselves when we're unable to finish the tasks we set out then? And if we do get to proudly scrunch that piece of paper up at the end of the day, does that mean we spent our time meaningfully? Does our productivity translate to fruitfulness in God's eyes?

Mary valued time with Jesus because she recognised that was the main thing. Although Martha invited Him in, showing interest in His company, she was caught up with tasks that could wait or weren't as crucial as she made them out to be. Martha missed the point. Her heart was not at rest and that led to frustration towards Mary. 

I have lost count of the times I got agitated over certain ones not helping to the capacity I imagined they would. My attitude was, "If I have to attend this event and make it happen, you can take some level of ownership too." I observed, with displeasure, how they arrived at their own pace and seemed to enjoy fellowship with God and others present. I wished for their nonchalance. It bothered me that I felt obligated and it bothered me more that guilt plagued me if I didn't step up to the plate. I hated the feeling of disapproval. 

My focus on the tasks drew me further and further away from God. It sapped my passion for people and the plans that were in place to extend the kingdom. And more and more I found myself asking, "What's the point?" I wanted to leave and let the carefree bunch look after the details. I resorted to keeping quiet each time an idea was proposed or discussed. I tried to ignore the voice that said I had to be the good little Christian girl, leader, godly wife and mature mentor. I was sick of meeting expectations but the need for acceptance trumped that and I caved, so the resentment continued. Imagine living like that though. What a silly web of lies. 

This passage reminds that God wants attention not performance, and this frees me from the tendency to define identity and significance according to accomplishments. It helps me redetermine what's important in life. It tells me He wants my heart and mind to be at rest so I can enjoy His presence and wisely choose what to respond to. Not every task that calls my name needs to be given the time of day. As someone once said, "Martha was preparing sandwiches Jesus never ordered. He wanted her company over the feast she wanted to prepare (probably complete with home decorations and a band)."

What Mary gained in return for her decision "will not be taken from her". Her reward is eternal, as will ours be if we lay our to-do list at God's feet and allow Him to speak into our lives. Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking God only wants us to get to work for Him. The truth is God just wants us and He hopes we're as excited about time together as He is. The revelations we receive from silencing the distractions and turning to Him are priceless and cannot be obtained through the many menial ordinary things that fill our date books. 

That sandwich may be good for an afternoon but fresh daily bread in the form of God's Word, and the insight He gives as we sit beside Him unencumbered by worry and frustration, lasts a lifetime. 

E-course

I realise I should have compressed my photos before uploading them. This would explain why I'm coming to the storage limit in Picasa Web Albums for Blogger. Silly, silly me. It makes more sense to resize them and maybe combine a couple to one image for easier uploading. Oh well, lesson learnt. I suppose I could always go back to previous posts to gradually resize the images. 

Was browsing A Beautiful Mess when I came across their Dream Job E-Course. Tempting...

i ♥

Braids and Bulldogs (add: fat bulldogs)

Happy that Keiko posted this hair tutorial. I had requested it as I really like the look. Unfortunately my hair might be too thin (read: little...I'm balding) to create the desired effect. How beautiful is she though! I am so envious. 

And the first photo of this post by Little Chief Honeybee makes me happy. The puppy is gorgeous! Actually I'm not entirely sure if he's a bulldog. I may have stupidly identified the wrong breed.

Friday: Thanks Shu! I was thinking some sort of terrier but couldn't find it. Should have asked you first :) Love your adorable cats. Hope you're happy at the new vet clinic despite the hectic-ness. 

Daunted by the Proverbs 31 Woman

I used to read Proverbs 31 and think, "Am I meant to be all that?" I measured myself according to the standard she upheld. The Proverbs 31 woman. Capable, industrious, sacrificial, wise and well loved by all. I'm hardly any of those things. But I've been missing the point.

The Proverbs 31 woman is not a reminder of my smallness or what I must aspire to be for acceptance into God's kingdom. She was not superwoman. In fact, she was not any different to you and I, women of today.

The heart of the message is where she placed her focus; where she drew wisdom, strength and peace to be all she could be. The Proverbs 31 woman shows us that God makes all things possible when we find our security in Him. We may stare at our limitations but He sees potential - the seed He has placed in each of us. He has gifted us uniquely but for whatever the grand plan is, He provides the resources, equipping, enabling and empowering as we choose to embrace the adventure with Him.

Each of us has a specific life circumstance. Some of us are single students or career women; some of us are wives and maybe mothers. Some of us work full time; some work from home; some have casual jobs or volunteer; some are focused entirely on ministry. In these personal settings, we have different roles and responsibilities. So how does the Proverbs 31 woman 'model' apply to our individual lives?

The key is in being centred on God. From a place of intimacy with Him overflows insight, joy and hope. Balance is not about dividing ourselves equally amongst the different areas of our lives but knowing which one to prioritise for the season, and then pouring less into the others so that we're not over-stretching ourselves and are still effective for the kingdom. This is something I learnt from Priscilla Shirer. As we seek God to understand the time and season, we gain clarity and direction.

Others may not agree with where we are choosing to concentrate most of our efforts. It's like how some people look down on stay-at-home mums. But at the end of the day, it's about who we are in God and the area He knows is best to focus on for the time. Then, as seasons change, priorities shift. It isn't to say we then see our kids as less important as ministry or career, for example, but at that different stage we may not need to place as much time into the one area and can put more attention on another. When we are able to flow with God on this, all areas will come together well and the people in our lives will be happy.

Over-stretching ourselves can hurt those around us as we may end up flustered, stressed, disorganised, tired, grumpy, and the list goes on. But if we know where to centre ourselves and what to focus on, we are able to love others better (with all of us, not a small percentage).

We can live gloriously for God like the Proverbs 31 woman but our schedule need not look like hers. Looking only at her tasks and accomplishments may burden us but looking at the message behind her story will encourage, inspire and challenge us to the greatness we can attain individually because of God. She was faithful and fruitful with all she had on hand. We can be too with whatever we possess and wherever we have been placed. It's not about comparing or copying but being the best version of ourselves as God intended.

[This post is in honour of the unique 'Proverbs 31' women in my life - my grandmother (who went to celebrate her 96th birthday with Jesus), mum and sister, Belle, Charis, Chia Yen, Christine Chong, Kudzai Zvenyika, Mildred, Nicole, Serene, Shin Yee, Vanessa Chia and Zaida - thank you for being you and for your beautiful input into my life]

The Legacy I Carry

We worshipped to "Because He lives" on Sunday, which got thinking about my mum and the heritage I have from being born into a Christian family, or more specifically,my Christian family. The song, familiar from my childhood, made me teary as I reflected on how blessed I am to have the family and friends I do, and the experiences along the way. As I stood at the back of the hall and closed my eyes, I faintly heard my mum's voice accompanying the lyrics, and pictured times we gathered with relatives to thank God and pray for various family members. It was in that moment I recalled God's tremendous faithfulness and goodness towards us.

Bill Johnson once said we reap the benefits of the labour of those before us. This is certainly true for me. I may not know the exact history of my ancestors but I know I come from a line of wholehearted believers. As a result of their spiritual devotion, I was given a foundation in the faith. I confess to not appreciating what I initially thought was an imposed religion of rigid regulations, but time has proven the input I've received has provided a surer footing than anyone or anything I could ever rely on. 

I admit to struggling with surrendering all to God though, bearing many hard questions I strongly wish He would answer plainly. Yet, despite seasons of doubt, frustration and wanting to escape, I cannot falter the love showered upon me. It baffles and scares me that He chose to place me in a loving family, surround me with sweet friends and include an incredible husband in the whole package. I am fully aware I could have found myself in a nation where girls are treated like dirt. My inability to grasp God's decision-making process makes me cling to what I have and harbour irrational thoughts of Him letting me go through something terrible to compensate for what others have endured. It's like something at the back of my head timidly waits for the day of disaster to then scream, "I knew it! Life was too good to be true!"

BUT. This is not the perspective I want to carry forward nor the legacy I want to leave for my children and their children. This lie does not represent the building blocks handed down. People are grabbing life by the horns and living their dreams. They are overcoming the obstacles and not apologising for making the most of every situation and pursuing joy. So why should I? Why should I feel guilty for my lot? It would be a far greater waste to let the fruit rot. The fruit from trees and vines so carefully planted and tended by my parents, grandparents and everyone else before them. They worked hard for my generation and now it's my turn. 

What shall I dream for my children? I must start building and investing into it now. All my choices from today can either count for something or end up like the shrivelled vegetation on our balcony. I much prefer the former.

A Mixed Up Dreamy Post

Dreaming of winning a ThreadSence voucher through A Beautiful Mess. (Click on this link for details on the Beautiful Giveaway or the one above to go straight to ThreadSence)

Love how they arranged the song "Just a Dream" by Nelly - they sound really good together

Dreaming of 12 Pretty dresses from Fancytreehouse,
our upcoming vacation, and reuniting with family & friends...




Pinterest - London Tower Bridge

Pinterest has tons of gorgeous photos that leave
me inspired. Must remember to be creative with
taking photos on our trip - it's coming round fast! 



Scrabble Cookies that remind me of dear Yen

We had so much fun playing word games with scrabble
pieces during Uni holiday seasons...and we love eating!

i ♥

Pastels and vintage-looking prints - They make me happy.

Via We Heart It

From Memoirs of a Pretender

And for something a little fun, I created this picture above as a piece of inspiration. The quote is from Helen Keller - someone who knew full well how to live against the odds and fight for what she believed in . 

That's what faith can do

I've posted Janice and Sonia's (Jayeslee) testimony before but I'm receiving the message differently today, in part because of the way they shared it this time and in part because of recent events. 

I don't know why pain seems to land on good people as opposed to the wicked or why it should be allowed to be prolonged. I don't know why someone young and healthy should be inflicted with a horrible disease. What I do know is what I have observed, and what I've observed is how the ones who choose God grow in their faith in these times of adversity. 

My mum's friend, whom I had an affinity with, and my grand aunt - though their battle with cancer was long and arduous, their spirits were not dampened. My grand aunt lifted the Lord's name in complete praise with all the strength she could muster in those last days. It is true that I have something to rejoice over, as they went to be with God in heaven, a place with no suffering. 

In praying for my dear friend, I wonder if my heart has taken offence because I think it is unfair for someone her age to be given this challenge. But God is slowly teaching me the importance of looking beyond the situation to His heart, and understanding that He does not will sickness. My fight is not with flesh and blood but neither is it with Him. I may wonder why He has allowed this to happen or why He does not appear to be moving fast enough, but the truth is His character is blameless. 

If I perceive with limited understanding and a focus on the natural, I am blinded to what God is truly doing. He is building an intimacy with His people that will stand amidst any and all opposition; a bond that cannot be broken or influenced  by circumstances, even in the slightest. 

I observe my friend's response and I know victory is already being gained. These shells we carry are only temporary yet I cling to what has earthly significance a little too much. She is growing in her character. A resilience is being developed. There is a special grace and anointing upon her life for this season, one that others do not get to experience as they do not require it. I know God is meeting her in a way she probably has never encountered and this encounter will be unsurpassed by an ordinary life. 

God is teaching me about real prayer - asking not for what my soul wants but positioning myself to see His personality and intentions. His heart is ALL for my friend, the way it was all for my mum's friend, my grand aunt and Nan, and Fab's grandmother. When we think the Lord is silent, that is actually the time He is working behind the scenes for the good of those who love Him, to bring them a future that prospers and brings hope. 

All things Paris

Via Miss Little Lime's Paris Guide

Our upcoming trip has made me excited about blogs with photographs of the City of Light and easy-to-read articles about travelling and eating there. I just chanced upon this write-up of a secret book store. Oh how I could live in that apartment-book shop! Ah, he's in Brooklyn not Paris despite the website being the Paris Review. Triple sigh. 

And now I'm really keen to see the movie Midnight in Paris. It has had some really good reviews, giving a beautiful overview of the sights to behold and touching on art, history and literature from the 1920s. 

i ♥

Wallpaper from Kikki-K

This apartment on Sacramento Street and gorgeous photos like the ones on that site

Browsing interior design blogs like Belle Maison and French by Design

Looking at food blogs and food posts

French pastry like this passion fruit meringue my college friend had for her birthday this week (oh goodness, I want to eat everything from their store...the tiramisu looks so good...I die)

The practice of being genuinely thankful for something every single day so we don't lose perspective but can keep a sweet spirit - Thxthxthx (Seen on Enhance Magazine) - Today, I am grateful for my family.

Inspiration 

Beautiful flowers - roses, lisianthus, hydrangea, peonies...

Cute moving images like this one of glow worms

Pink Pearls - Wisdom and Liberty

"Proverbs teaches us wisdom and self control and how to understand sayings with deep meanings. We will learn what is right and honest and fair." (Proverbs 1: 2-3)

Proverbs 1: 8-9 "My child, obey the teachings of your parents and wear their teachings as you would...a pretty necklace."

Proverbs 3: 1-6 "My child, remember my teachings and instructions and obey them completely. They will help you live a long and prosperous life. Let love and loyalty always show like a necklace, and write them in your mind. God and people will like you and consider you a success. With all your heart you must trust the Lord and not your own judgement. Always let Him lead you and He will clear the road for you to follow."

As I read Proverbs today, I think of my mum - my constant prayer warrior, my childhood days story teller and song singer; the one whose chubby little thumbs I used to want to hold and rub at bedtime. Proverbs 3: 12 tells us that a parent corrects their favourite child. This made me tear up as I recall times where I hardened my heart towards mum's correction out of pride and misunderstanding her intentions. I thought she didn't know me well enough. I thought she favoured my older sister. How skewed my thinking was!

Reading the verses above, I reflect on an email mum sent last March (enclosed below in grey). I am beginning to grasp the meaning behind the vision God gave her of me, a little more. At the presbytery our Church had in 2008, Prophetess Monet Jacks spoke about the knowledge I had accumulated over the years, that was sitting dormant in my mind. She felt God challenge me to begin to teach the Word and pass on the knowledge.

The source of my knowledge is rooted in my upbringing. I have my family to thank for loving and leading me in God's way. Sure there were times of conflict in my heart where I felt the "religion" was being thrust upon me and I was bound to a list of "do's and don't s". But in retrospect, I am grateful they built a God-related foundation within me.

There's a verse in the Bible that says if you teach your child in the ways of the Lord, they won't fall too far from it, or something along those lines. Naturally, that entails teaching them correctly. I think many parents misinterpret God's heart and end up suffocating, neglecting or even abusing their children, which is when you see kids of pastors or priests running as far from God as they can.

The pink pearls and necklace my mum writes of - I believe the central piece is God's wisdom. Proverbs teaches "wisdom is more valuable than precious jewels" and that "nothing we want compares with her".  I have been seeking after that "perfect job", a stable income and worldly success, all above God. Yet the truth is success comes with fearing the Lord (which brings wisdom) and living out His principles.

Mike Bickle, in his message on 'Beholding God's Beauty', explains that what we have available to us now under the new covenant is true liberty. Instead of pursuing daily success that is temporary, I can be pursuing liberty that comes from having the Holy Spirit dwelling in me. In the Old Testament, God's people had His anointing, prophecy, forgiveness of sins and witnessed His immeasurable power. But they didn't have access to the liberty we do. All it takes for us to experience the liberty is to engage and press into the Holy Spirit. Liberty is there as a gift waiting for us to grab hold of it with both hands and not let go.

We're not being handed a ticket to sin, which people tend to view as freedom, but access to know God's personality and goodness. God wants to reveal His emotions through His Word. He wants us to draw close and have intimacy with Him so we understand His intentions. It is hard to fully get someone's character if we keep them at arm's length.

It's not enough to know what God did in history or has been doing in our lives. He wants us to know why. The real reason is deep, unfailing love. Until we receive a clear, personal revelation of His love, we will probably live thinking our plans for life are better than His. We will probably continue thinking He's not that good. We will probably harbour bitterness when He doesn't cause things to go the way we expect or when He disciplines us or tries to bring adjustment.

I want a fresh, tangible encounter with God everyday. I have been devoted to many useless thoughts and desires but they have brought nothing but discouragement, disappointment and fear. Proverbs assures that wisdom "will help us to live a long and beautiful life. It will make us healthy and we will feel strong. We will walk safely and never stumble. We will rest without worry and sleep soundly. And we need not fear of sudden disaster for we can be sure the Lord will protect us from harm."

I saw you sitting at your table. Lying on the table were many loose pink pearls. You were looking at them and moving them around with your index finger. Occasionally you would pick up a pearl, study it more closely then put it down again. I wondered why you didn't pick them up and string them together into a necklace for yourself. 

I believe the pearls represent blessings that God has given/wants to give to you, personally, since they were pink in colour and lying on your table. These blessings may have come/will come in the form of events or happenings, persons, assurances, promises, prophecies, messages given through His Word and others. You see/hear/experience/know them, you shuffle them around at different times/seasons of your life and sometimes you even examine them more closely. God wants much more for you. He wants you to claim or appropriate these blessings for yourself - like never before.

Pick up the pearls, string them together and wear the necklace to ENHANCE or HEIGHTEN your spiritual beauty 

(a) That serenity that comes from complete trust in God
(b) That resilience to face the unknown or the uncertain with feet planted on solid ground
(c) That ability to accept limitations/handicaps beyond your control and work around them
(d) That purposefulness for His Kingdom's work 
(e) That transformed view of certain things which then adds to your joy and gives new meaning to your life
(f) That ability to dump past baggage at the foot of the cross and choose to walk away

As you realize MORE AND MORE that He who so blesses you with the pink pearls "is able to do immeasurably more than ALL we can ever ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us.." (Eph. 3:20)

My prayer for you has been simplified by this picture - that you will, in faith, appropriate the pearls as they come your way and live gloriously for yourself, your husband, children, family, friends, work colleagues and above all - your Lord.

(I am so blessed to have the mum I have...to have the family I have)

Related post

[Song: I Need You More by Bethel Church]

Jesus is a pretty cool guy in my books

Katie came to get me this afternoon as Fab had gone to her and Andy's place at around 9 in the morning to help dig holes and set up the infrastructure for what will be a bird aviary in their gorgeous backyard. I didn't feel well enough to follow that early but since I was good to go later in the day, Fab didn't want me to be home alone and Katie very sweetly agreed to collect me to hang out. (I know, I'm spoilt rotten!) 

She messaged to ask what the security code for our gated community is and I replied to say I'd wait by the road.  Walking up the slope to the entrance of the complex, it dawned on me I didn't have the key for the side gate and hoped a car would either be leaving or coming in so I could slip out after. There was no vehicle in sight so I asked God if He would please open the gate for me. Just as I finished my sentence, the gate allowing drivers into the estate swung towards me.

You have to understand there is no sensor along the gate for it to respond to a pedestrian. I checked this with Fab, the engineer who knows these things. He confirmed there was no way the gate could have opened on its own accord. As it did, a white car came up the hill, so not only had God answered my request, He gave me two options. I took gate number one and watched it close promptly behind me.

You've got to admit that's pretty cool. 

He's talking about me!

(Charis sent Francis Chan's message on the Balance Beam via FB - what a timely reminder)

Guilty as charged! You'll never find someone who wants to play it safe more than I do. I've had all those thoughts, the ones Francis verbalised in his illustration. I do have hopes of dying by going to sleep, having a good dream and just slipping away before anything bad happens in  life. Why? Because it's safe; it's peaceful; it's easy and painless. But it's also pretty pointless living like this as he very clearly pointed out. 

Just last night at prayer meeting, Judith told me she heard God giving two words repeatedly - "Warrior Princess". "I feel He's saying He's made you for more. You're not as feeble as you think you are. It's time to step out", Judith said. This word confirms what others have spoken over me. I remember the first time God brought up the analogy of a warrior. It was about 5 years ago when I was in the working adults group in Hope Brisbane. Peter Truong prayed and prophesied over each member of our team before we went out to talk with people in the city about God. 

When it came to my turn, I quickly asked God in my heart to call me a warrior if He knew I had it in me. I said, "I hate being powerless and scared all the time. I wish I were more like those brave people who just get out of their comfort zones and pursue you 110%. I want to be like that." A 'fearless fighter' was what Peter first declared. He went on to talk about me being a visionary leader and a trailblazer, writing the vision for others to follow. "Write it down and trust God. Go read Habbakuk's story. You will pioneer something and at first it will be hard and seem really slow, but eventually people will catch the vision and join you. You will not be alone the whole way", Peter said. 

Prior to that, I had no clue about Habbakuk so it surprised me when I found his opening lines so easy to relate with. I was naturally pleased as punch that God had said all that, but it didn't change anything in my life. I still hold the recording of Peter's prophecy on a CD in our bookshelf, and it's been joined by similar words given throughout this season by different people at different times. 

I'm still afraid. Trusting God and acting with faith have been central themes throughout my life. In the 2008 presbytery, God made it crystal clear that fear would be my downfall and that I had to learn to lean on Him fully. Close to three years later and here I am still hiding at home.

What is this "more" He keeps bringing up? I can't see myself the way He does. What I am finding is that the 'new things' in this season have been falling into my lap. I couldn't have made any of them happen so I know it's entirely God. 

He introduced Sharon Goldner, the team from Mission Educate, Kirrily Holmes and now Erica Bartle. Sharon and Erica were not obligated to respond when I wrote to them about their blogs, nor were they obliged to extend themselves. Yet not only did Sharon offer to edit my articles for submission, she embraced me as a friend and has never been less than an inspiration and encouragement. She genuinely believes in me and that is huge considering we've never met. 

I was telling Fab last night that God has brought me into Mission Educate at an exciting time. Although progress has been slow in my opinion, change is just around the corner, and given the organisation was founded in 1999 and has only recently taken on a global focus and started developing firm plans for operational sustainability, progress is fast in the big picture. 

God has also just brought in Kirrily. She's known members of the Mission Educate Board for years yet has not been involved in any projects until now. Her story is just incredible and I am convinced everything has taken place in perfect timing because God's awesome like that. When she told me a little about her background and history of work and ministry commitments, something clicked and I walked away thanking God for this divine appointment. I will share more as this journey unfolds.

Today, I'm meeting Erica, founder of Girl with a Satchel, because who would have thought but she's based right here on the Gold Coast. A coincidence, I think not! I didn't expect she would offer to meet me but she has and I am so grateful to God for presenting this amazing opportunity to learn from an expert. I don't know how today's encounter will go or what exactly will come of it but I'm going to leave this in God's most capable hands. 

All that is 'new' in this season has been delivered by God, stamped with love. Sure, trying to pioneer something at Mission Educate with no past experience in the field has been frustrating, but being with the team has revealed my true self - the ugly attitudes, motives and desires - and taught me about perseverance. I have yet to achieve this but I see it in every person at Mission Educate. I see their drive and commitment that overflows from their love for God. They are humble, sacrificial and the hardest workers I've ever met. They're not afraid to step out and reach for what God has promised. They have built something from nothing, and that something is really something.

On the contrary, what has required effort has somehow been in vain. The countless (I honestly cannot recall how many I have sent to date) covering letters and addressing of selection criteria have pretty much come to nothing. I have another interview on Tuesday so we'll see how that pans out, but I look back and ponder over what's been done. If God keeps telling me He's built me for more, that I'm more than an administrator and there's a new direction to be taken and a surprise to be received, what are my actions revealing?

I know I've sent those applications out of guilt for not having a stable income and because I don't want people to think I'm lazy and useless. It matters whether I'm contributing financially in our marriage. My identity is still caught up in my performance and how others perceive me. I'm not living by faith and without faith it is impossible to please God. So what now?

Practicality says: Take the 9-5 job (but that's if I even get one at the rate things are going) and do the fun stuff on the side. Then, when the things you're passionate about have grown to a point where you can turn them into a viable career, do that. You want a job that combines what you love and holds meaning and purpose for you. You don't want to return to that disconnect between work, ministry and other areas of life. But you're fluffing about and wasting time and other valuable resources. You've just been taking up space. You're not being a good steward, a good Christian leader, a good wife, a good friend, a good anything but a bum.

Do I turn around and shoot Practicality so he's not barking behind me? What then? Run to God is all I can think of. I've been neglecting Him for the most part. I will need to pay for the consequences of the time wasted not seeking His heart fervently but perhaps it is not too late to start figuring things out now. 

I have heard many share how what God calls them to seems completely illogical and impossible at the start but as He makes His plans known to greater detail, the outcome is tremendously thrilling. It's not that God isn't practical. He invented practical. He's orderly and holds all wisdom. It's that His thoughts and ways are far higher than ours. 

I used to think that was a cop out excuse for whenever I wanted an answer, and got annoyed each time a leader responded with just that. It's the textbook reply, I used to think; the one they use when they don't know what to tell you and you become a case for the 'too-hard basket'. But over time, I realised it was the truth. I cannot reason God with my understanding. I cannot fathom His intentions fully because He is utterly blameless. How I think is filtered by sin. And compared to God, I'm not sure I'm even the size of a flake of dandruff on a micro organism. Oh, but how He loves us. 

He is God and I am not. Full stop. 

And now I shall learn to rest in that and let go of all that's making me want to sit down and cling to that wooden beam.

Found here - scroll down the post for the gorgeous bulldog and baby! 

I might just be going to hell

[Lukewarm and Loving It - Message by Francis Chan via Charis]

When I get uncomfortable from the pestering of my stomach, I can pull something out of the pantry. That's something that's easily done. There are people who don't even know what a pantry is because they've never seen one, let alone had one. As I stood in the kitchen with a nutella sandwich, I wondered, "How many do I honestly need of the things I own?" 

I'm glued to my laptop. You cannot pry me from the Internet on most days. I'm dependent on technology and even more so on material comforts. I am concerned about the server crashing and losing this blog. I am surrounded by things and yet I want more. I fuss about finances and envy what others have. I dream about vacations, pretty dresses, stationery stores and cafes. 

My salvation could very well be hanging in the balance. 

I used to think it would be hard for people who have endured horrendous suffering to accept God because they would be questioning how One who calls Himself love and all-sovereign could allow them to go through such pain. But now I see my desire for self preservation, safety, security, stability, health and strong relationships is preventing me from experiencing God fully. I hear sermons about dying to our rights and surrendering our entire beings, and though I may confess to wanting that, I am afraid. I am afraid because I want those other experiences more.

I don't have the guts to pray for God to do whatever it takes to get me to a place of total abandonment. I don't want Him to take away my family and friends, or destroy all my possessions. In fact I pray He will let me grow old with Fab and give us good health and let us pass away in each other's arms under peaceful circumstances. I remember the recurring nightmares of not being able to protect the ones I love and I hate the feeling.

Francis' message is the truth but the question is, what am I going to do about it? I don't have forever to make the right decision. 

Where are you at? Here's an encouraging message about Giving and Gaining. 

It's Time to Do Something

Since God has given us all authority on earth, let's walk in it and claim back what is ours; what belongs to His kingdom. I want to see God's will being done on earth as it is in heaven and I know this is possible because Jesus teaches us to pray it. If I keep sitting here crying over why God doesn't just intervene each time something horrific is going to happen, and wondering in fear if He will one day allow me to go through the same thing, or why I got given into a loving family and safe life when it could be me in their shoes, I'll surely go insane.  

There is too much I cannot grasp but God is saying He has not left us powerless to fight the enemy, and the enemy is not man (though for more than two decades I have harboured resentment and wariness towards many of them). There are days I struggle with why God won't just shut down the devil and his corporation now, given there is enough sin (and its ramifications) to tackle already. But it appears He is waiting for me (and the church) to participate in bringing the enemy down. 

So we focus on what God is doing not what He isn't. Reports are being distributed to other parts of the world  to generate awareness and garner response. At least there's that. It's not just being kept under wraps, even if many cases are not recorded. News is getting out. The thing is we need not wait for someone in, what we consider, a 'position of influence' to take action. We have the capacity to make a difference. Seemingly ordinary individuals. We have the power to give voice to the voiceless and change what is wrong. 

What women are facing in nations such as DR Congo, Afghanistan, Pakistan and India is wrong. And what's worse is, they're being told they deserve it or have brought it upon themselves in some way. We need to bring truth into those places. And it's not just there. It's in Asia, it's across Europe, it's in our own backyards. 

As God enables, "one can chase a thousand, two can put ten thousand to flight" (Deuteronomy 32: 30). We are not alone when we walk with Him. We may be one person here but look across history and you will see the legacy of a single man; a single woman -works that changed the landscape of our societies for the better. And as we gather those in our circle (family, friends, colleagues, classmates...) and stand united in our front for true freedom, we are a formidable force in the enemy's face. 

We are the force to be reckoned with in the arenas that govern our communities - politics, government and legislation, education, arts, media, economics, business - the ones to be heard and taken seriously when policies are being made or reconsidered; the ones who shape culture, thinking and the messages that are flashed about and perpetuated. 

If we want honour, we live out honour and influence others to do likewise. I'm sick of being suppressed by this suffocating fear. I'm sick of feeling overwhelmed and bitter. I know I can't keep hiding behind the trivial things that make me happy and distract me temporarily. What meaning will my life really have if all I have to show for it is a closet of pretty frocks and accessories? 

I asked God for focus and He brought me into Mission Educate. A proposal has been made to a partner organisation, that aids with funding, on bringing the literacy program to India. Talk is in the air about perhaps shifting this to a part of Asia. Either way, we shall seek the Lord's direction as limited resources means we have to target areas one at a time. There are glaring needs in a large number of regions but God knows how to proceed. 

After reading the article linked from this post on Girl with a Satchel, I want to support the women in India. My heart aches at their plight. I am disgusted at the level of cruelty that exists. It is simply inhumane, so much so it makes me think the spiritual climate needs an overhaul. We have to get Satan out of our homes, out of our neighbourhoods, out of our schools and government, out of everything and out for good!

The kingdom of God has been forcefully advancing (Matthew 11: 12) and we can continue to claim back what belongs to the kingdom by being 'forceful' in our intercession and with the blueprints and strategies God will give as we seek His heart. 

Forced detours

I went on an adventure yesterday morning. What should have been a thirty minute drive down the highway to the airport took two hours. Thankfully I wasn't catching a flight but my poor friends had to wait in that boring little place.

It started with news on the radio of an oil spill at exit eighty-something, and the need to re-route commuters. Well, I got to exit eighty-something and there was nothing, but traffic began to slow tremendously soon after, until it came to a stand still. Squished together like tinned fish, the cars then crawled to exit 95 where drivers discovered the highway had been bordered off. We filtered left and sat at a set of lights looking at two traffic policemen with their arms folded. When it came time to move on, we were pointed to make a right turn by a large yellow detour sign. 

So off to the right I went, along with other cars probably wanting to get back on track as quickly as I did. We then veered left to be parallel to the highway. That move made sense in my head; after all I wanted to stay on course towards the airport. Following the road, I felt rather confident that all would be fine and this was met with a board announcing a south-bound highway route. But after travelling for twenty minutes, the scenery shifted significantly.

I had landed in the Currumbin Valley and was winding past rural property, with lanky trees overarching the narrowing road. One car that had been behind me since our redirection lost its patience and zoomed past at first chance. I tried to keep up so as to not feel alone and made sure I took the road with another sign to what I thought would lead to my destination.

On and on I drove, panic setting in. That's when I yelled some very unwholesome things in the car and made loud, whiny noises at God while demanding a way out. The blue car that was meant to be a marker had left me in the dust and the thin bendy road grew quiet. There was no phone reception by then and I felt like a complete idiot. When finally a wider patch of ground was available, I turned the car and sat on the side. This was the point I started begging God and telling myself in my head that I was behaving terribly. 

The Holy Spirit must have nudged me as a couple of vehicles came along and something inside decided to continue on the path taken initially. After more immature-sounding pleas, I noticed a white car emerging from a small gravel driveway on the right and quickly waved at its driver. 

"Erm, sorry, could you tell me what road I'm on?" I said sheepishly to the old man behind the steering wheel. What sounded like Dung-something or other was the reply. He asked where I was headed and upon being told I was bound for the airport, advised I return the way I came but before he could finish I explained the highway had been blocked off, which led to me being here. "Oh, well, then yes you will need to go this way. It'll be another twenty kilometres til we reach the...and then you can take the...but err, you can follow me for now", said the kind round fellow with little hair. 

My guide was certainly familiar with the area as he snaked around the mountain faster than expected. Eventually we arrived at a junction and he pulled over. "Well, I've got to turn here but if you go straight and take the bridge, you'll see Cane Road on your left, which you'll need to follow. Go through the plantation and past the race course. You'll see a sugar mill. Turn left after that towards Tweed Heads. You'll get to Coolangatta from there. Scenic route home for you today", said he with a smile. I thanked the adorable Santa-looking man with much gratitude and kept to his instructions.

Just as he had said, there was the bridge and Cane Road and wheat-looking plantations and horses in a field and a large, smoking sugar mill and the highway to Tweed. But oh boy was that road to Tweed a long one. Had I a camera, the right head space and more time, I would have stopped to photograph the giant puddle of fat white ducks and the farm houses and the mountains and the valley and the pretty flowers and the gorgeous glistening river that accompanied me along the highway to Tweed. 

What should have taken thirty minutes turned to two hours and though I was a total brat, God answered my prayers and provided me with a cute old man who knew the way. Bless that cute old man with the greying crown and plaid shirt, I say. 

God also taught me about detours. When we wilfully go our own way, we sometimes don't see it's a detour because it's voluntary and done out of self-centredness, but when the unexpected shows up and we're forced to change our plans, we sometimes get cranky and question God. But behind every turn of events can lie a valuable lesson or an opportunity to see and experience God in a new and far deeper way. 

I received some devastating news a couple of weeks back and couldn't get my head around why something like that would happen to my dear friend. How 'it' could affect someone young, fit, beautiful-hearted and faithful in God. But the truth is, we live in a fallen world and there are many seemingly illogical and unjustified occurrences. Although in my opinion so undeserving of such pain, I am glad my friend does know God and can find solace in Him. I just pray for comfort and peace beyond understanding and a miracle. 

It may end up being a long and more difficult ride, but our hearts must choose not to be offended, discouraged or disappointed. God is good despite my inability to see the big picture and He didn't will this. God is moving and He stands by His Word. I just ask that the Holy Spirit teach me how to walk in the authority God has given, to intercede effectively. 

In spite of my shortcomings, He hears and answers cries of distress. He delivers from trouble and sets us on high. Though I fail to be righteous, I believe God has considered my prayers and will bring out the best from this situation. 

i ♥

[Recent blog interest]

I've been faithfully following Elsie Larson's blog A Beautiful Mess ever since I chanced upon photos of her wedding on Hello Lucky (via Style Me Pretty - under the "For Weddings" list in the right column). Elsie reminds me of Zooey Deschanel in some photos. Whatever it is, they're both beautiful and talented, and I love Elsie's blog! The way her wedding was styled makes my heart skip and some of the photos on her site make me swoon with delight and day dream. Such is the way of happy things.

Oh whoops! Correction: I first saw a photo of Elsie and Jeremy's wedding on Making It Lovely.

Now onto food. I. HAVE. TO. MAKE. THIS. It's not an option, it just has to be done. Yes, one of those things in life. Mmm, berry crispy goodness...Thank You God for winter and the food we get to eat because of it. 

Photo by The Pioneer Woman

i ♥

SheShallHave

Source

Fancy Treehouse

Mod Cloth - The Out-to-Ice-Cream-Dress :)

Lace Earrings - Apooki

Urban Outfitters

Sappy Apple

• This lovely piece by Lace Affair called the 28th dress (photo could not be saved). 
• I nearly passed out when I saw the price of this pretty pink dress...didn't stop to save the picture, just closed the browser quickly in shock and horror. 
• Another exorbitantly priced but cute dress featured here (its parent site hosts a dress called Apple a Day - I like when dresses have cute names to go with their design). 
• This dress with an invisible zip. As I try to shop within $20, this is way out of budget too. 
• Clothes I'd love to dress my daughter in (when I have one...I hope I have one or two) - Sally J Shim's collection for her mini self - and fun craft & learning activities for little hands.
• I think it's cute you get a picture of a happy whale when an error message comes up in Twitter. I'm not sure what the relevance is but it made me smile and forget to be mad that Twitter was not doing what it was meant to. Ah, perhaps that's the whole point. Clever marketing ploy.

13 July 2011 update: Story of the Fail Whale - Creator Yiying Lu - what a success story!

What do you want more?

While with Angela this morning, I mentioned a couple of the points raised in my previous post, in relation to choices. She then said something that got me thinking further. "I think God is asking me what I want more." I was telling her the answer is sometimes not what we expect because we cannot contain God in a box. It's pretty common for us to think that the purpose behind every step is a grand plan. Why did she enrol in Bible College? Is the answer "To grow in her relationship with God and in leadership by being equipped?" Perhaps, in part. But Angela began to realise it may simply be a time of stretching so she cultivates discipline and focus, as she found herself growing distant from God instead.  

I've had my mind and heart set on knowing what I should be and getting that perfect job, so much so it has clouded my ability to see the real reason for this season. I could have it all if I work hard, but where is God in the picture? Have I stuffed Him in at the last minute for good measure? With all the choices available, do I want God more? Is He more important than knowing who I'm supposed to be and what course to take and what job to apply for? Do I desire intimacy with Him above answers to what is happening in the world and questions of my identity? Sadly, I have been longing for joy and fulfilment through financial stability, material comforts and relationships with people instead of through Him first and foremost.

What would I truly possess even if I did have it all but God was not my central focus? It would all come to nothing. I've been approaching this the wrong way. God's promises are attractive but am I willing to seek His heart fully in the daily grind? I tend to be impatient but promises like that don't come to pass overnight. It takes character development and change. It takes discipline to set time with God aside before proceeding with the rest of my day, everyday, even when I "don't feel like it". It takes faith to keep believing even when I don't see the results. It takes preparation so I can grab the opportunity when it presents itself. 

I've been longing for what God can do for my life more than I've been longing for God. I've forgotten what His presence really feels like. Sure there are glimpses of it now and then, moments of revelation and occasions where He grants me anointing out of grace. But where does He stand in my heart? Is He my father, Lord and friend or vending machine, punching bag and Santa Claus? 

Who and what is more important to you? 

The height of my crappiness and His graciousness

The Notebook Doodles

While looking through previous posts On Girl with a Satchel, I landed on this one. It's so easy to relate, except I'm the exaggerated version since my melancholy recruited an evil sidekick this season. I've been vacillating between stubborn complacency, moments of gratitude, and immature grumbling, all the while living vicariously through others. Envy can mutate into a giant monster when left unchecked. 

When praying for me a little while back, a friend sensed God was saying I could choose any and as many of the doors before me but fear was holding me back from using the key I have. It hasn't appeared as so, though. There are different options but I don't see them as being available to me. I don't perceive what the 'key' is or how it is I have one. 

At the start of this season, God assured me I wouldn't have to feel like a puppet or live by the expectations of others the way I had been. He said I'm capable of making my own choices. It's both a liberating and scary concept as I would rather He just present the one road He knows will bring me the greatest sense of joy and fulfilment. But God wants me to do the growing up and assess if something is right for the time. 

I'm struggling with this 'freedom' and somehow feel trapped as I don't know which way to go. I'm limited in experience but what course should I take? How can I gain the necessary knowledge and skills required to enter a different industry without burning a hole in my husband's pocket? Is that course accredited? (Side thought: more research required) What industry am I meant to be in? What am I cut out for? When we talk about God's perfect will and unique path for us, does that mean in all situations there is only one way? Are there times where the options are equally good? How does this tie in with not letting the good rob us of what's best? What is best in this case? Am I over thinking it? 

God said He would lead me in a new direction and present a surprise at some point. The promise was of a job I would love but one I have not had prior involvement with. I guess trying to figure out marketing strategies with Mission Educate falls into that category. He did prepare us by explaining the change of direction would not seem economically viable at first. He did confirm He made me to be more than an administrator and I need not return to what I eventually did not enjoy doing. So why let the prospects of a stable income make me myopic? On the other hand, do I really have the room at this age to play around? Practicality and guilt say, "Just take anything. It's not permanent and you can keep your eye out for something else on the side. You have financial commitments to consider and it's not just your own life anymore." What would be good stewardship?

To date, job hunting has been in vain (although I have not physically gone round to drop resumes). I've received outright rejections, silence and "It came down to you and one other person. You interviewed very well and we were impressed by your address of the selection criteria but the other person mentioned something that fits in with what we're really looking for. There's nothing you could have done to improve your application." And each time I submit another covering letter for a similar position, God asks what I truly desire.

I honestly wouldn't mind working in a stationery store like Typo or Kikki-k but even applications to them were knocked back. No retail experience. Insufficient sales background. Same deal for all the other retail/sales roles I went for. I'm competing with individuals who have done it all and can probably juggle fruit while working the cash register and chatting with customers. I want to own a stationery store but that's far fetched. It's not easy running a business. There's the initial outlay of capital, possibly sourcing and dealing with suppliers, rent and overheads, and the usual risks. If I can design and create products worthy enough to sell, it would be better to start with an online shop. But, I need to be able to design and create products worthy enough to sell.

That aside, I'm not certain why God wants me to answer the question. He knows, doesn't He? And I know, deep inside. But perhaps what I want is too self centred for His liking that He's persuading me to come up with something more mature and refined? Something Great Commission related? Does God even think like that? It somehow doesn't sound right. He's not fuddy duddy. Perhaps it's simply that I'm too afraid to dream big; to imagine all the possibilities and He's encouraging me to enlarge the vision and grab hold of what is out there. That's an overwhelming thought. 

It's unpleasant feeling like a hypocrite though. Pretending to be super enthusiastic about something I'm not; conjuring responses to boost my chances of being picked from the selection of applicants. I don't want to lie and then find my heart not in the job. Mistakes abound when my heart is distant. I lack focus and details become smudged. But passion kick starts a trail of fresh ideas and the energy to back them up.

I want to be innovative and a ray of sunshine wherever I go; not the weakest link or sullen sour grape with a muddled brain. That said, maybe during the waiting, I ought to kick my own butt into gear and plead some place like MacDonalds to hire me or leave my CV with every agent. (Insert expression of reluctance and voice-over "tsk tsk, naughty, lazy Jocelyn.")

I would rank my thoughts and behaviour in the crappy category on the whole. It's become increasingly apparent I can be superficial when it comes to desires and priorities. One cannot worship both God and money (and outer appearance and fashion). It's time for a crack of the whip; a total realignment of values. No more compromising on biblical principles. I need fresh revelation of God's love and presence and to pour out freely. People are suffering and here I am day dreaming of being beautiful and thin and talented. Who does that? Seriously. The creative blogs provide an escape but somewhere else, someone is living the pain. They can't change the channel or surf the Internet knowing all is safe and well. 

God has shown great grace and patience. I know I've grieved Him on many occasions, and even when I've done something thoughtful, I have to question the motives behind. Am I still yearning for acceptance and praise from people or am I able to give from a place of humility, security and pure love? The heart is deceptive and needs to be properly guarded and tested with the truth. I'm just thankful He has blessed me with loving, supportive family members and friends. They have helped carry me through. Just today, I got to enjoy a scrumptious lunch at Sushi Train. This is the second time Fab has brought me. We love the freshly-made chicken kaarage roll best, but I digress. 

One gorgeous friend, Shin Yee, sent me the link to a particular sermon recorded by the Church she and Rayson are attending in Melbourne. The preaching is titled "Freedom" and was given by the senior pastor. The message is about experiencing freedom in God through allowing Him to be our source of security, and letting go of hurt and resentment by taking up forgiveness. It made me realise how I've still been harbouring ill feelings towards certain individuals due to past events and how I need to release these pent up emotions to God and move on. 

Perhaps the doors accessible are not in the form I imagined. Maybe Door Number One is forgiveness and Door Number Two is security in God. My self esteem is still associated with whether I'm contributing monetarily and deemed the best support for Fab but I've not been depending on God fully. Maybe the key is God's Word (not a particular set of qualifications and experiences) that can lock fear and complacency away and make true freedom available.

Maybe the doors are not jobs with specific salaries and work conditions attached. Maybe it's not about finding the vocation that makes me, but about being the person I can be who then proceeds to flourish in various roles, all of which serve the purpose of blessing others and leaving a strong legacy. Maybe I really can have it all - the happy family, the writing, the justice mission to restore women and children, the stationery store, the creative projects, and the ability to finance everything properly. 

It's time to be really bold for once. All the women I admire and envy are determined and diligent. I doubt any of them were born with craft, photography and graphic design know-how firmly ingrained in their DNA. They simply put feet to their passion and got their hands and minds involved. My new mantra should probably be, "it's not too late to begin now." It would certainly be better to try than to stay seated and brood. 

One job ad I came across read, "The kind of person who would thrive in this environment is: A high achiever. When you do your best or try your hardest - you inevitably succeed. You're able to rationalise an idea, then go to war for it. Someone that thinks like an owner - because you'll have the freedom & autonomy to drive it like you own it. An initiator who's also execution-driven. Loves seeing results. Intolerant of incompetence. Hates offices politics, hidden agendas and dumb game playing. You're responsible. Full of common-sense. Logical. Can communicate with ease. You're likeable. Friendly. Can turn ideas into action. You don't spend time rationalising inaction." 

That last statement stood out. I do that. Hence being stuck. One cannot drive the car staring only into the rear view mirror. The past does not determine our tomorrow in that it need not impede us, but it can be used to shape character and as a stepping stone for future endeavours. I want to be the person described in the ad. The job is not presently available and even if it were, it would be in the States but the criteria has taught me something. Rationalise ideas, not inaction, and go to war for them. 

What do I really want? I was asked this in one interview. The question wasn't phrased in that exact way but the lady was essentially trying to work out why I went from 5 years of student administration to a writing course, a short stint with Suite101.com, and then to marketing and communications with a non profit. My answer was not entirely forthcoming and I walked away asking myself the same thing.

Where is God in the picture of my life? Have I placed Him at the centre of it all? Have I spent this whole time misunderstanding His intentions, and inadvertently limited the way in which He can interact with me? Have I allowed what I've learnt about Christianity to become lenses through which I perceive God, and am I willing to let Him challenge my perspective where it's skewed or incomplete?

Maybe I just need a paradigm shift like Alice who was able to enter Wonderland only after taking the elements that altered her size to suit the objective (one to be big to reach the key; one to be little to fit through the door). She had been there before but this time it was to go to war. She finally overcame the beast (and her fears and restraints) and began pursuing a lifelong dream (one her father had shared) once back on earth. God has a dream for me, one He promises I will love. I need to conquer my fears and just start stepping into it.