It seems the longer one is on hiatus, the harder it becomes to start again, to put words to thoughts and construct meaningful text for the purpose of having a record to keep and a story to share. Nevertheless, here I am after what has felt like the longest journey of my life and yet simply the turn of a page at the same time.
I'm in the home stretch now, as some like to say. The final stage of my third trimester, where preparations are carefully made for the entrance of a new character who will undoubtedly steal the show. We have been gathering the props and assembling the backdrop, all in anticipation of this grand moment when our star bursts onto the scene with a captivating "Ta-da!" And the applause shall go on to mark each milestone, each display of growth and change. Though we may tire from all the work that goes unnoticed behind the red velvet curtain, we shall continue to celebrate every step lived out on the platform and delight in being principal to our protagonist's parcours de vie.
Although the first five months are slowly fading into a distant memory, they were the hardest of life experiences Fab and I have endured. The contention was in remembering the miracle behind our gift and being thankful amidst pain and overwhelming sea sickness. I certainly would not have chosen that exact time to bless us with a baby, but God decided it was in our best interest somehow. And how could we complain after the five years of struggles that had preceded?
Those early days were tougher on Fab, who had to bear the brunt of a house settlement gone wrong from one of our banks misplacing important paperwork and informing us very late. Then there was the packing and moving, looking after his young sisters who visited on their semester break, and going on the 96-km Kokoda Challenge, all in the same couple of weeks. He recalls staring blankly with thoughts aflutter and hands trembling above his office desk the day before the mountainous hike - the stress had kicked in.
Fab took on the financial burden of a second mortgage while I lay in bed with a bucket by my head, away from work for a miserable four and a half months. He brought me to the hospital when the dehydration presented itself through blood swirls in said bucket. And he was there for every doctor's appointment and ultrasound, taking attentive note of the advice given as my fatigued brain lay muddled atop a body slumped in the chair beside him. We did, however, share the excitement of seeing the rhythmic thumps of our little one's heartbeat and receiving what appeared to be a wave from a tiny arm.
I'm certainly glad those trips to the emergency room are over. The frustration was in having my condition drag on with no end in sight, and realising that absolutely nothing was working. I even found out the hard way how allergic I am to all forms of anti-nausea medication. After suffering side effects that intensified rather quickly over a week, my soul was grateful to God for revealing the cause. Although it took several weeks for the involuntary muscle spasms and cramping to subside, no permanent damage had been done. The tightening and twitching in my jaw eventually stopped, as did the sudden bouts of anxiety and flickering of light in my eyes. What was also a relief in spite of returning to a world of constant nausea, incessant vomiting, acid reflux and the rest of it, was the end of vivid nightmares and separate encounters of some spirit that touched me in a most unnerving fashion while I was awake.
What strikes me as being interesting is this - I hardly cried. I did shed some tears in response to an aggravating situation that occurred during the 'ordeal', but even Fab remarked there were no mood swings to deal with. This is unusual for someone as emotional and pessimistic as myself. I do not claim to have maintained a sunny attitude throughout the roller coaster ride, but I did not crumble either. I attribute this solely to prayer. The faithful prayers of family and friends uttered in all sincerity, particularly when my strength to cry out to God had depleted.
I mentioned earlier that nothing worked for me. Yes, nothing from a medical or natural remedy standpoint. But, there was God. There was the power of prayer and His grace carrying me through. And He didn't just sustain me. God kept our baby healthy and strong. I did try to find reason to my sickness though - was God punishing me for not respecting His timing for a child and bugging Him immaturely? Was He using the pain to get my attention for having neglected Him for so long? I listened to worship and sermons online and began to conclude that my circumstances were a test of my character and a chance to reprioritise and place focus once again on my relationship with the Lord. Unaware of my pondering, a friend who had been interceding on my behalf made contact to say the sickness was not from God or His way of teaching me a lesson. That was encouraging but then what was going on?
My pastor's wife had gifted us with the book titled 'Supernatural Childbirth' just prior to me conceiving. Its content revealed that we have indeed been redeemed from pain and sickness. Genesis speaks of the curse God placed on Eve for her great indiscretion, but the Bible later makes plain that Jesus paid the price for us on the cross and so we can claim and enjoy God's original design for having children. This includes not experiencing morning sickness (or severe hyperemesis gravidarum in my case) or having a prolonged, complicated and/or painful labour and delivery.
Of course, this was all news to me as I was utterly convinced the curse was the way to go while we are on earth. I began reading the scripture pointed out in the book, and praying God's truth over my body. I confessed my sin and commanded the sickness and pain to leave in the name of Jesus. I did everything the book covered and everything I could think of but to no avail. I wondered again whether God was playing a trick on me and had to make a daily conscious effort to stave off doubt and discouragement.
Still, God was faithful. I know He was by my side though I could not comprehend many things and struggled with wild imaginations and tiredness. There were times I confronted Him in anger but at some point a sense of surrender took over and I was able to ride out the days to come. I even composed a few simple poems of praise to God but didn't pen them down. I've forgotten the words now but as the song goes, the one word that comes to mind as I think about Him now is "anchor". God was and is my anchor.
I may be nauseous everyday, and find certain things harder as the baby takes up more room, but at least I am able to be up and about to some good capacity. Moreover, I have not had to worry about our little one's well-being as each test and scan along the way have confirmed all is as it should be. As for me, I've long regained my appetite, and have been graciously spared from difficulties such as gestational diabetes, severe water retention, swelling and varicose veins to name the few more popular negative symptoms of pregnancy. Fab and I have been able to attend Church and social events, and shop for our house and the mini addition to our family. Sure there are moments where I whinge briefly about the pain in my body and other health challenges, but overall I am in a better place. Thankfully, Fab is flourishing too.
Fab really is one of God's biggest blessings. Another constant in my life; maybe a more tangible version of an anchor if you like - God's display of love reflected through a person. I couldn't ask for a more loving husband because he just tops them all. He has been working tirelessly on our new home, ripping out old carpet, laying timber-like flooring, assembling furniture, tending to the garden, transporting truckloads of dead palm branches (those things are hard work to maintain!) and boxes to the rubbish tip, doing chores I find difficult, and well, the list goes on. All this above working full time, mind you. In fact, he started busying himself with house preparations straight after we got the keys.
At first, I started feeling rather lonely as he would make dinner after returning from work, then sit out in the living area to unwind in front of the television before washing up and researching for various things and making the necessary calls. I stayed in our room as I could not stand the smell of most foods and had little energy. My sense of loneliness extended to a slight agitation as I began missing quality time with him. Fab felt the distance as well but turned to keeping occupied as a way of facing the situation. He felt helpless towards my condition so focused his time on areas he was able to control, like packing and looking for the best deals on air conditioning, a new fridge and phone and internet connection. He made sure I could be comfortable when we moved into our new place (with the imminent onset of summer), and not have to worry about the fact our mobile provider did not have coverage in the area. I cannot commend his heart of sacrificial giving enough.
My parents have been a huge support as well; my other life "anchors". They made a surprise visit in September when I was still in the dumps, so to speak. They didn't let me lift a finger. Mum cooked and Pa drove me to medical appointments so Fab did not have to rush back from work. Although I was not much in the way of company, they sat with me each day so I wouldn't have to be alone. They returned in December to spend Christmas and New Years with us, a time Fab and I cherish and now miss. It won't be long until the family is reunited again, following the birth of Then Junior. Fab's parents will arrive first and stay about three weeks before my parents, sister and her family travel over to join in our rejoicing.
While there are times I stress over what life will be like when our little bundle comes along and my in-laws are in town, I look at the people I have around me and know I am truly blessed. God will see me through every step, every chapter and every potential obstacle. I am assured of His presence and unfailing love, and His provision of all we could ever need. So though I may be rather strongly hesitant about having another child, and in need of a paradigm shift in light of residual resentment and selfishness, the future is a hopeful one. Fab and I are about to embark on a brand new adventure and it shall be good, very good.
