Reaching new heights

Dear Phoebe,

Are you sensing my apprehension with regards to sending you to childcare when I return to work in January? Do you have an inkling that I will miss your sweet face and soft hugs and even your screams? I know it will be good for both of us to have a change of scenery, social interaction with other toddlers (for you) and other adults (for me), a new focus and some different activities. However, I'm hesitant as you are my precious little baby and you've become more clingy towards me lately. Also, you have not napped in your cot during the day for a long time now. How will you go when no one has the time to rock you to sleep and hold you in the carrier? Will you have enough at meal times? Will you get upset and think I've abandoned you to complete strangers? Will you eat paint (since it's allowed at the centre) or swallow too much dirt because no one is watching at that very moment when you're playing outside? My heart and mind find rest only in believing that God will take care of every detail.

Perhaps you are aware that our time together will not be as extensive once the new year comes. I worry it will be too big a deal going from being with Papa and I as well as family for about a month over the holiday season to being left in the care of two people you have not met and a bunch of kids who could potentially pass you every germ under the sun for three days a week or injure you inadvertently. I have brought you to the childcare centre a few times to get acquainted with the place but the two lovely ladies in charge of the baby room will not be your group leaders as staff rotate across classes there. Maybe this whole thing will be more frightening for me than for you. Anyway, let us both learn to be brave, confident and strong for I too will be facing new challenges in the office. 

One thing I do not want to miss out on is your firsts. Yes, I will find out how you've progressed through the daily report and photographs recorded, and I will see the change when we get home. But that is not the same. My guess (or what I'd like to think even though it's probably far fetched) is that you have somehow clued in on this, because this week alone you have gifted me with several new milestones. These amazing moments make me proud as your Mama and pleased as punch that I am getting the first hand experience. 

On Sunday, as you were lying in Papa's arms and drinking water out of a bottle (feeding yourself proficiently with one hand), Papa asked if he could have some and opened his mouth. Without missing a beat, you took the bottle out of your mouth and aimed the teat at his. You repeated this when asked again and then pointed the bottle towards me when I made the request. I don't know where other babies your age are at with things like this but who cares because to me you are a clever, clever cookie! The day before you did this trick, we were having lunch at a Korean restaurant and placed you in the pram beside our table. Papa handed you a bottle of water, which you promptly took hold of. You then realised the cap was still on, so you looked at me, leaned forward to tap the bottle on the table and said, "Eh, eh". After I removed the cover, you contentedly sat back to take a drink. Smart as skittles you are, I tell ya! Monday was the bomb. You looked at me and said "Mum, Mama" over and over. It doesn't matter that you also use it randomly, I was still over the moon, especially when you softly called out while standing at your table walker trying to find me when I stepped into the room briefly. 

Yesterday was like having front row seats at a famous magician's performance because you didn't just delight us with one highlight but presented two new skills in the evening. First, you started clapping when Papa made some cheering sounds and did a bit of a jig. We have showed you how to clap a thousand times and even tried putting your palms together but you have always kept your hands in fists or pulled away or displayed disinterest, but last night, you just decided out of the blue to clap and did so perfectly. I was so ecstatic I gave you loud hurrahs and shouted yay and got all silly happy. Papa filmed this. Then, when Papa put you into the cot to get ready for bed, you stood up in one fluid motion! You just pulled yourself up from a sitting position by holding onto the edge. Granted this couldn't quite be replicated after the second go but hey I got to see it when Papa excitedly called me into the room, and it only goes to prove the growth that's happening in you. Papa quickly lowered the base of your cot for safety reasons. It'd be disastrous if you stood and plopped out before anyone could catch you.

Oh sweetie, everyday with you is a gift from God. I am priviledged to be your Mama and am grateful you still appear to love me even when I've let my self centred ways and emotions take the stand. You are so dear to Papa and I and just beautiful beyond words.

I love you,

Mama

Oh, I just remembered! We brought you to see friends of ours the Sunday before, and you got to meet a dog for the first time. Rufus is a teddy bear poodle, and a great introduction to the canine species as he doesn't shed at all and is gentle with children. You squealed at the sight of him and got incredibly thrilled when he licked your toes. You were so taken up by him and weren't afraid to show this, that he got a little freaked out. There were a couple of times where I had to stop you from tugging at his ear too hard or pulling at his fur. 

And these 10 things...

1. You are very attentive to books and lessons. I started showing you picture cards teaching the recognition of number one to twenty since you were a little over a month and you have always intently watched me count the accompanying pictures and point to the words and digits
2. Your current favourite food is mango - Papa and I are pleased you've taken after us. Also, you can hold your milk bottle pretty well to feed yourself 
3. You worked out some time ago how to pluck the shapes out through the flaps on your cylindrical box-like toy, and you can sit for fairly long periods of time, bend down to pick something and straighten back up again
4. You still love bath times and have been enjoying swimming lessons that teach babies pool safety through a series of repetitive exercises accompanied by rhymes or songs
5. You love other babies and children, lighting up when you see them - When your little cousin, Joel, came to visit a few weeks ago, you squealed with delight upon seeing him and immediately reached out to touch his face, hold his hand, pat his head and pull him close for a kiss. We were at the Bonds store the other day and a toddler came running up to the pram to greet you. She was so bright and friendly and you took to her instantly, laughing and trying to hug her - that was a most adorable sight
6. You lick snot. You hate having your nose cleaned or your mouth wiped and seem to like spreading food everywhere
7. You still try to suck on my nose sometimes and pull my hair out. What's new is you have started inspecting my teeth and gums by sticking a little finger in and poking at things
8. You now try to help me take your arms out from the straps once I've unbuckled you from the car seat
9. You occasionally chuckle in your sleep and I absolutely adore this, especially when you actually laugh out loud for a couple of seconds
10. You are kinda making a "mmm-mah" sound once in a while - I hope you are learning to call me because that will be uber exciting!

How quick the year has gone

Dear Phoebe,

You will be 9 months on the first of December my precious baby. Oh how the time has flown! Someone once told me that the days are long but the years are short. Even so, the days have passed between my fingers like tiny grains of sand falling in a breeze. The moments matter, oh how they matter I now realise! I must make it a habit to jot down every little thing I want to remember about you. Every expression, every nuance, every new skill developed, every gesture. I want to have these memories etched in my mind for as long as I live. You are yet a year old but already there is much I have failed to capture before the opportunity slipped away. Little but significant things like your hand and foot print when you were a newborn. Thankfully we do have a fairly large collection of photographs that help in some way tell your story. 

My sweet darling, you have changed, my how you have changed. From small outward ways like longer hair and double eyelids, to finer motor skills and quicker responses. You have yet to work out the whole business of crawling but you can do a backward slide while lying on your tummy and a seated forward-moving bum shuffle. You have been sitting very stably the past two months. You can even stand unassisted (though supported by the ledge which you hold tightly to) if I place you at the living room window to wait for Papa's arrival home in the evenings. It excites you when Papa returns that you tap on the glass to get his attention. Nowadays, you eat most things I offer, which is an answered prayer. The sad part, however, is you have lost weight since consuming solids. I should probably prepare more substantial meals so your baby fat and lovely rolls don't disappear too fast. I will most likely cry the day you officially become a little girl and perhaps a lean bean from running around as active toddlers do.

The past couple of months have been teaching me to slow down and reprioritise. It's so important I take a step back and recognise that this season is about being fully present for you because I am now a mum, your mum. The housework will always be there, and so will the items on my seemingly never-ending to-do list. I shouldn't get caught up in fretting over these responsibilities but just take the time to enjoy you at every stage of your life. I am not going to compare you to another baby and wonder why they seem to be advancing at a faster pace. You will crawl when you are good and ready to. You will babble and speak when the time is right for you. Yes I can encourage and teach you, but I will not get frustrated or wish you to progress quicker, because my love, you are fine just as you are.

My prayer is for you to be secure and confident and to know that my love for you is not dependent on your performance. You don't need to earn my approval or be afraid I will react negatively. I want to be one of your greatest supporters, not your harshest critic who brings hurt and resentment. I want to lift you up and inspire you, not crush your spirit and belittle your struggles and thoughts. I want you to feel safe to come to me for anything, assured I will be there to understand or at least make the effort to and comfort and cheer you on. I want to help you to dream big and be fearless in honing your talents, developing your interests and pursuing your desires, instead of imposing my hopes on you. 

There have been days where my emotions have gotten the better of me and I have not been patient and compassionate. I just pray you will not be scarred in any way. I am still figuring things out. In some ways I know you well, but as you are growing each day, there is always something new to discover and learn. Recently, you went through another developmental leap. I guess I must have known at the back of my mind that growing up is hard and you have a lot to take in, but somehow this did not translate to the way I responded when you began behaving in a less desirable fashion. Granted you are an incredible baby, but with each leap still comes a period of adjustment in which all infants get more fussy and needy.

This time your sleeping pattern was affected too and you stopped being able to go down for naps in your cot. It wasn't new that you slept better in my arms but previously I could still put you into your own bed for a while to get some things done. Once this new phase hit, that went out the window. Even your night time sleeps reverted to the earlier days and I caved and brought you to our room, on several occasions, in the wee hours of the morning so you could snuggle beside me. Your cuddles are pure goodness. I hope you never tire of hugging me. Please don't be one of those kids who is embarrassed to be seen with their parents. I don't think my heart can handle the rejection. Anyway, you still nap on me during the day. I will miss you terribly when I return to work in January and you go to childcare.

Childcare. I am worried about this and need to entrust you to God more. I will be working three days a week so for those days you will be with other little people for some social interaction and mini activities. I pray you will love your time there, have the best teachers, not get bullied or bully, and be able to eat, sleep and poop well. Be brave my darling, and may your joyful spirit be super contagious. May you be well loved by all you meet, and may you love others well. Be an example of purity and humility even in your young age. Learn and grow and be shielded from nasty illnesses. Get creative and explore new things. Be ever filled with awe and wonder and never get too old to jump onto a pile of crunchy autumn leaves or dance in the rain. When you are big, remember with fondness these days when you and I sway clumsily through the house, share slobbery kisses, and make goofy faces. Recall with delight the raspberries I blow on your belly, the smooches I plant on your edible cheeks, the gentleness in the way I stroke your hair, the love that is poured out in my care, the songs we sing over and over and the books we read until the pages get worn. These are the moments I want to hold in my heart forever. 

You have been down with a bad cold and wet cough since Wednesday. It started with a fever on Monday and now your chest is heavy and congested. It pains me to watch you struggle. I pray over you to be healed really really soon. I'm glad the clinic our neighbour recommended has lovely doctors to help make things more bearable. I am also thankful for the Tula carrier Aunty Miin and Uncle Nick (Papa's younger brother and his wife) gifted us last month, as being ill has made you more needy and less willing to sit in the pram or play at your table walker.

As I carry you around to get chores done, being slung comfortably in a koala position lulls you to sleep. You've been so contented in there that you've taken long enough naps for me to finish a twenty-episode Korean drama over the course of this week (ok, so this includes watching after you've gone to bed but still, don't judge me)! While your longing for attention has created certain challenges, I do enjoy the closeness we share and now need not envy other baby-wearing mothers. I know this season will pass in the flicker of a hummingbird's wing too so I am stopping to cherish what is good. The house is quiet now with you in bed and Papa asleep on the couch. I shall retire to and look forward to another beautiful day with you.

With all my heart,

Mama