Surrendering

Photo source: The Herald Sun (online)

Body Corporate intend to put a lock on the area beneath each house in this compound, which really bothers me. That section behind the garage may mostly be a pile of rubble but we've made good use of whatever space there is. It's not losing storage room that is the main issue though. 

While it will be inconvenient without access to that space to free our garage a little, what upsets me is the invasion of privacy. I don't appreciate that they're able to enter a piece of property owned by someone else and dictate what can and cannot be done. 

We've lived here for more than three years and this estate has been in existence for at least fifteen so why change the rules now? What is the reason for cutting us off from a portion of our own home? Perhaps it would be different if we were merely renting but does that section not belong to us as well since we bought the place? I can accept the high Body Corporate fees given the level of maintenance witnessed but this new motion seems ridiculous. 

Fab told me about the notice as we were going to bed around one in the morning. The matter played on my mind and made it difficult to fall asleep. It didn't help I kept thinking about work as well. Work has been in my dreams fairly frequently amongst other nagging thoughts. 

I want to be convinced this isn't a big deal and just let it go. What concerns me is the possibility of this being the beginning of further impositions. If they can legally enter our home and cordon off an area of it, what else are they entitled to do? Why won't my brain stop over analysing the situation? This personal trait of mulling is such a burdensome habit. For the life of me, I can't fine the "off" button though. Did someone steal the remote?  

There are a number of other worries I want be able to surrender as well. Health, safety, and self esteem to name top ones. I've collected a storehouse of junk-like thoughts detrimental to my well-being. In particular, my spiritual state. A little cobweb appears in the corner of my mind and I quickly sweep it under the rugs before anyone realises something is wrong. The problem with that is one can only hide things beneath a carpet or behind the curtains for so long. The 'uglies' eventually start to show. I'm even starting to think the almost constant negativity is prolonging my physical ailments. 

Could it be God is using the issue of our reduced storage area to teach me about letting Him sort through what I've held hidden in my head and heart for so long?

If Body Corporate succeeds in locking us out of that room, we'll have to sift through the items that have been sitting away from plain sight. I suppose we can toss out the abundance of empty boxes kept in case we move and want to return our possessions to their packaging for easier transportation. Friends who have been borrowing the space as a holding ground will need to reclaim their belongings or give the green light to have them brought to the tipping centre. All in all, there will surely be a big cleaning out and streamlining of what is truly necessary for keeping.

There are areas of my life that God has not been able to do a proper cleaning of because I refuse to allow Him that freedom. In the same way I am resistant to Body Corporate, I have been resistant towards God. I have tried very hard to maintain control over everything, realising the more I have attempted to do so that I am incapable of this feat. Losing control scares me.

It's a struggle to trust God completely because unless I fully understand His intentions, there will always be a level of reservation. I know God has been good to me. I have experienced His goodness. Nevertheless, there are too many weighty questions that leave me hesitant and fearful. Sadly, with keeping God at arm's length, my conscience has become numb to some degree, which has permitted sin like anger and pride to dwell.

I recall being told to be rid of offence as it prevents us from having intimacy with God and receiving peace and hope. But despite having days where I can thank God and be joyful, the burning questions never fail to haunt again. How am I to perceive God as more important than the answers when the questions are about His intentions?

Someone once said, when praying for me, that God was going to place me in His heart (metaphorically speaking) so I could see and understand Him and His reasons for doing what He does. That God was going to give me a view into how He works by giving visions and insight. This has yet to happen and sometimes I wonder if it ever will.

Maybe my frustration and hurt is preventing God from doing anything. It would be similar to not letting Body Corporate enter our home. Perhaps God just wants to come in and block off the places that bring me harm, to ensure I cannot fall and get trapped amongst the rubble of negativity and sin. Picture a locked door with a sign saying, "Don't revisit (the past, the hurt, the temptations...)"

I need God's peace, that much I know. Whether there is a reasonable explanation for what is to take place in our residential community, there are deeper issues within my own life that need addressing. And unless I find a way to surrender my thoughts, desires and fears to God, I won't have arms free to receive His gift of serenity.

Monday Update: According to the notice, Body Corporate is claiming that undeveloped segment as "common property", and have instructed it to be void of personal belongings and reserved solely for the purpose of inspections.  

Should we contest this? Question their definition of the term "common property" considering no one can use that area since it's contained under our home? I'd rather do away with the fuss even though it would certainly be handy to have extra storage room. I just dislike the feeling of having someone encroach on what I've established to be personal space. I hate confrontation. I fear the backlash. But feeling like this also makes me quietly resentful and it's pointless to become bitter over something as seemingly petty as this. 

What would Jesus do?

You are capable, and capable of more

'Daughter you have been hesitant. And you have said within your heart, “Lord, I just want to know it’s You and I’ll go that direction, I’ll go all the way but God, it’s got to be You, it just can’t be something I want. I've got to make sure it’s You”.

“I have heard your cry and I'm going to bring a peace to your heart that goes beyond anything that you have known, the worries and the anxieties and the cares that you have had, even the cares about life, and the cares about ‘what about this part of life and that part?’ I'm going to bring the peace and I'm going to give a resolution to your mind and to your heart, that there will not be a kind of anxiety, and that which seems to be setting things aside, you will begin to see how the Lord has made provision for those things as you walk, and it will not be as though you missed out, but it will be that the Lord has made the provision for those things that you are anxious about”.

You have such a tender heart and such a desire to touch others’ lives, that you’re so afraid that you’ll get hurt, so afraid they won’t receive you. And I just see God opening doors for you to be received, to be loved, to be able to pour into, especially into young women, into their lives.

They need to hear what you have to say. They need to hear what God’s put in your heart. You are holding back things that you've got words of knowledge and words of wisdom and you’re just waiting for the right time. Well, the time is now. Begin to give it out. Begin to touch their lives and you’ll see their lives changed.

Don’t be afraid. The biggest thing that’s going to stop you is fear. Fear is the absence of trust. So begin to trust Him and let the fear go.'

Pink Pearls - Wisdom and Liberty

"Proverbs teaches us wisdom and self control and how to understand sayings with deep meanings. We will learn what is right and honest and fair." (Proverbs 1: 2-3)

Proverbs 1: 8-9 "My child, obey the teachings of your parents and wear their teachings as you would...a pretty necklace."

Proverbs 3: 1-6 "My child, remember my teachings and instructions and obey them completely. They will help you live a long and prosperous life. Let love and loyalty always show like a necklace, and write them in your mind. God and people will like you and consider you a success. With all your heart you must trust the Lord and not your own judgement. Always let Him lead you and He will clear the road for you to follow."

As I read Proverbs today, I think of my mum - my constant prayer warrior, my childhood days story teller and song singer; the one whose chubby little thumbs I used to want to hold and rub at bedtime. Proverbs 3: 12 tells us that a parent corrects their favourite child. This made me tear up as I recall times where I hardened my heart towards mum's correction out of pride and misunderstanding her intentions. I thought she didn't know me well enough. I thought she favoured my older sister. How skewed my thinking was!

Reading the verses above, I reflect on an email mum sent last March (enclosed below in grey). I am beginning to grasp the meaning behind the vision God gave her of me, a little more. At the presbytery our Church had in 2008, Prophetess Monet Jacks spoke about the knowledge I had accumulated over the years, that was sitting dormant in my mind. She felt God challenge me to begin to teach the Word and pass on the knowledge.

The source of my knowledge is rooted in my upbringing. I have my family to thank for loving and leading me in God's way. Sure there were times of conflict in my heart where I felt the "religion" was being thrust upon me and I was bound to a list of "do's and don't s". But in retrospect, I am grateful they built a God-related foundation within me.

There's a verse in the Bible that says if you teach your child in the ways of the Lord, they won't fall too far from it, or something along those lines. Naturally, that entails teaching them correctly. I think many parents misinterpret God's heart and end up suffocating, neglecting or even abusing their children, which is when you see kids of pastors or priests running as far from God as they can.

The pink pearls and necklace my mum writes of - I believe the central piece is God's wisdom. Proverbs teaches "wisdom is more valuable than precious jewels" and that "nothing we want compares with her".  I have been seeking after that "perfect job", a stable income and worldly success, all above God. Yet the truth is success comes with fearing the Lord (which brings wisdom) and living out His principles.

Mike Bickle, in his message on 'Beholding God's Beauty', explains that what we have available to us now under the new covenant is true liberty. Instead of pursuing daily success that is temporary, I can be pursuing liberty that comes from having the Holy Spirit dwelling in me. In the Old Testament, God's people had His anointing, prophecy, forgiveness of sins and witnessed His immeasurable power. But they didn't have access to the liberty we do. All it takes for us to experience the liberty is to engage and press into the Holy Spirit. Liberty is there as a gift waiting for us to grab hold of it with both hands and not let go.

We're not being handed a ticket to sin, which people tend to view as freedom, but access to know God's personality and goodness. God wants to reveal His emotions through His Word. He wants us to draw close and have intimacy with Him so we understand His intentions. It is hard to fully get someone's character if we keep them at arm's length.

It's not enough to know what God did in history or has been doing in our lives. He wants us to know why. The real reason is deep, unfailing love. Until we receive a clear, personal revelation of His love, we will probably live thinking our plans for life are better than His. We will probably continue thinking He's not that good. We will probably harbour bitterness when He doesn't cause things to go the way we expect or when He disciplines us or tries to bring adjustment.

I want a fresh, tangible encounter with God everyday. I have been devoted to many useless thoughts and desires but they have brought nothing but discouragement, disappointment and fear. Proverbs assures that wisdom "will help us to live a long and beautiful life. It will make us healthy and we will feel strong. We will walk safely and never stumble. We will rest without worry and sleep soundly. And we need not fear of sudden disaster for we can be sure the Lord will protect us from harm."

I saw you sitting at your table. Lying on the table were many loose pink pearls. You were looking at them and moving them around with your index finger. Occasionally you would pick up a pearl, study it more closely then put it down again. I wondered why you didn't pick them up and string them together into a necklace for yourself. 

I believe the pearls represent blessings that God has given/wants to give to you, personally, since they were pink in colour and lying on your table. These blessings may have come/will come in the form of events or happenings, persons, assurances, promises, prophecies, messages given through His Word and others. You see/hear/experience/know them, you shuffle them around at different times/seasons of your life and sometimes you even examine them more closely. God wants much more for you. He wants you to claim or appropriate these blessings for yourself - like never before.

Pick up the pearls, string them together and wear the necklace to ENHANCE or HEIGHTEN your spiritual beauty 

(a) That serenity that comes from complete trust in God
(b) That resilience to face the unknown or the uncertain with feet planted on solid ground
(c) That ability to accept limitations/handicaps beyond your control and work around them
(d) That purposefulness for His Kingdom's work 
(e) That transformed view of certain things which then adds to your joy and gives new meaning to your life
(f) That ability to dump past baggage at the foot of the cross and choose to walk away

As you realize MORE AND MORE that He who so blesses you with the pink pearls "is able to do immeasurably more than ALL we can ever ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us.." (Eph. 3:20)

My prayer for you has been simplified by this picture - that you will, in faith, appropriate the pearls as they come your way and live gloriously for yourself, your husband, children, family, friends, work colleagues and above all - your Lord.

(I am so blessed to have the mum I have...to have the family I have)

Related post

[Song: I Need You More by Bethel Church]

He's talking about me!

(Charis sent Francis Chan's message on the Balance Beam via FB - what a timely reminder)

Guilty as charged! You'll never find someone who wants to play it safe more than I do. I've had all those thoughts, the ones Francis verbalised in his illustration. I do have hopes of dying by going to sleep, having a good dream and just slipping away before anything bad happens in  life. Why? Because it's safe; it's peaceful; it's easy and painless. But it's also pretty pointless living like this as he very clearly pointed out. 

Just last night at prayer meeting, Judith told me she heard God giving two words repeatedly - "Warrior Princess". "I feel He's saying He's made you for more. You're not as feeble as you think you are. It's time to step out", Judith said. This word confirms what others have spoken over me. I remember the first time God brought up the analogy of a warrior. It was about 5 years ago when I was in the working adults group in Hope Brisbane. Peter Truong prayed and prophesied over each member of our team before we went out to talk with people in the city about God. 

When it came to my turn, I quickly asked God in my heart to call me a warrior if He knew I had it in me. I said, "I hate being powerless and scared all the time. I wish I were more like those brave people who just get out of their comfort zones and pursue you 110%. I want to be like that." A 'fearless fighter' was what Peter first declared. He went on to talk about me being a visionary leader and a trailblazer, writing the vision for others to follow. "Write it down and trust God. Go read Habbakuk's story. You will pioneer something and at first it will be hard and seem really slow, but eventually people will catch the vision and join you. You will not be alone the whole way", Peter said. 

Prior to that, I had no clue about Habbakuk so it surprised me when I found his opening lines so easy to relate with. I was naturally pleased as punch that God had said all that, but it didn't change anything in my life. I still hold the recording of Peter's prophecy on a CD in our bookshelf, and it's been joined by similar words given throughout this season by different people at different times. 

I'm still afraid. Trusting God and acting with faith have been central themes throughout my life. In the 2008 presbytery, God made it crystal clear that fear would be my downfall and that I had to learn to lean on Him fully. Close to three years later and here I am still hiding at home.

What is this "more" He keeps bringing up? I can't see myself the way He does. What I am finding is that the 'new things' in this season have been falling into my lap. I couldn't have made any of them happen so I know it's entirely God. 

He introduced Sharon Goldner, the team from Mission Educate, Kirrily Holmes and now Erica Bartle. Sharon and Erica were not obligated to respond when I wrote to them about their blogs, nor were they obliged to extend themselves. Yet not only did Sharon offer to edit my articles for submission, she embraced me as a friend and has never been less than an inspiration and encouragement. She genuinely believes in me and that is huge considering we've never met. 

I was telling Fab last night that God has brought me into Mission Educate at an exciting time. Although progress has been slow in my opinion, change is just around the corner, and given the organisation was founded in 1999 and has only recently taken on a global focus and started developing firm plans for operational sustainability, progress is fast in the big picture. 

God has also just brought in Kirrily. She's known members of the Mission Educate Board for years yet has not been involved in any projects until now. Her story is just incredible and I am convinced everything has taken place in perfect timing because God's awesome like that. When she told me a little about her background and history of work and ministry commitments, something clicked and I walked away thanking God for this divine appointment. I will share more as this journey unfolds.

Today, I'm meeting Erica, founder of Girl with a Satchel, because who would have thought but she's based right here on the Gold Coast. A coincidence, I think not! I didn't expect she would offer to meet me but she has and I am so grateful to God for presenting this amazing opportunity to learn from an expert. I don't know how today's encounter will go or what exactly will come of it but I'm going to leave this in God's most capable hands. 

All that is 'new' in this season has been delivered by God, stamped with love. Sure, trying to pioneer something at Mission Educate with no past experience in the field has been frustrating, but being with the team has revealed my true self - the ugly attitudes, motives and desires - and taught me about perseverance. I have yet to achieve this but I see it in every person at Mission Educate. I see their drive and commitment that overflows from their love for God. They are humble, sacrificial and the hardest workers I've ever met. They're not afraid to step out and reach for what God has promised. They have built something from nothing, and that something is really something.

On the contrary, what has required effort has somehow been in vain. The countless (I honestly cannot recall how many I have sent to date) covering letters and addressing of selection criteria have pretty much come to nothing. I have another interview on Tuesday so we'll see how that pans out, but I look back and ponder over what's been done. If God keeps telling me He's built me for more, that I'm more than an administrator and there's a new direction to be taken and a surprise to be received, what are my actions revealing?

I know I've sent those applications out of guilt for not having a stable income and because I don't want people to think I'm lazy and useless. It matters whether I'm contributing financially in our marriage. My identity is still caught up in my performance and how others perceive me. I'm not living by faith and without faith it is impossible to please God. So what now?

Practicality says: Take the 9-5 job (but that's if I even get one at the rate things are going) and do the fun stuff on the side. Then, when the things you're passionate about have grown to a point where you can turn them into a viable career, do that. You want a job that combines what you love and holds meaning and purpose for you. You don't want to return to that disconnect between work, ministry and other areas of life. But you're fluffing about and wasting time and other valuable resources. You've just been taking up space. You're not being a good steward, a good Christian leader, a good wife, a good friend, a good anything but a bum.

Do I turn around and shoot Practicality so he's not barking behind me? What then? Run to God is all I can think of. I've been neglecting Him for the most part. I will need to pay for the consequences of the time wasted not seeking His heart fervently but perhaps it is not too late to start figuring things out now. 

I have heard many share how what God calls them to seems completely illogical and impossible at the start but as He makes His plans known to greater detail, the outcome is tremendously thrilling. It's not that God isn't practical. He invented practical. He's orderly and holds all wisdom. It's that His thoughts and ways are far higher than ours. 

I used to think that was a cop out excuse for whenever I wanted an answer, and got annoyed each time a leader responded with just that. It's the textbook reply, I used to think; the one they use when they don't know what to tell you and you become a case for the 'too-hard basket'. But over time, I realised it was the truth. I cannot reason God with my understanding. I cannot fathom His intentions fully because He is utterly blameless. How I think is filtered by sin. And compared to God, I'm not sure I'm even the size of a flake of dandruff on a micro organism. Oh, but how He loves us. 

He is God and I am not. Full stop. 

And now I shall learn to rest in that and let go of all that's making me want to sit down and cling to that wooden beam.

Found here - scroll down the post for the gorgeous bulldog and baby! 

Writing for a Legacy by Kris Vallotton

I just finished listening to Kris's free podcast on I-tunes. It reminds me of a prophecy Peter Truong prayed over me - it was about writing down the vision. He asked me to read the Book of Habakkuk. This was several years ago and it is only now that I am beginning to understand what God was saying then. I hope nothing destroys this blog because I want it to last for my future generations to read through. I want to write books to leave them too.

Below are points I took from Kris's teaching:

We need a new approach to how we view the end times as it affects how we behave in the time leading to it (now). Fatalism and martyrdom hold back the apostolic age.

Fatalism refuses to acknowledge positive advancement on the earth. It looks to the erosion of the earth, not evolvement. It downplays the message “the kingdom is at hand” and emphasises “the end is near”. It uses fear to motivate people to come to the kingdom but people do not stay because we cannot drive people to God. It partners with terrorist spirits and wrongly promotes punishment, which is not what the kingdom of God is about. It prepares people for destruction.

Martyrdom embraces death in a sadistic way and values the cross above the joy set before it. Jesus endured the cross, He did not enjoy it.

Habakkuk 2: 1

Romans 15: 4

Prophecy is God’s view of the future given to us. It is history written before it happens. We need to proclaim truth into being, truth over the nations. When we receive Jesus, we receive eternal life. But eternity not only has no end, it has no beginning, so it doesn’t start only when we accept Jesus. When we step into eternity with Him by making the choice, there is a preservation of unity in the spirit. It is a unity not with the visible kingdom but with those who have gone before us and left an inheritance for us to build on, as the spirit does not live in time. We have a responsibility to those who come after us in the same vein.

Ephesians 4 (Argument with the Sadducees about the power of God and the resurrection) - God said He is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. He was not saying He is the God of three dead people. They were dead in the flesh but God was saying they are people who have passed through this veil into another, and are still alive in spirit. That is why Jesus posed the question of whether God is the God of the dead or the living.

We are pieces in history. Our destiny lives in our history, testimony and prophecy – what was, is and is to come (Jesus said this about Himself).

Hebrews 11: 32 to 12: 3

Relay teams get a reward for what the anchorman does – the fastest guy who is placed last, as opposed to the middle people who are the slowest members. We are the anchormen. Those who have gone before us are watching us run, for the race is not yet over and they have not yet received their reward. They are waiting for their reward from God. In our victory is theirs. When we step into eternity, we also have a responsibility to those before us who have not yet been rewarded.

If we have a one-week vision for a person, we cannot help but make the wrong decision (e.g. not taking a musician, who keeps falling into sexual immorality, off the worship team because of a lack of resources). But if we have say a ten-year vision for that person, we cannot help but make the right decision. Do not sacrifice the future for the present. Have a vision for a generation we will never see so that revival lasts. David developed all the plans, worked through all the details and paid for all the resources so Solomon could build the temple though David would never get to see it.

We either develop monuments for ourselves like Absalom who had no sons, or we develop legacies to leave for those to come after us like David. “A righteous person leaves an inheritance for his/her children’s’ children.”

God asked Habakkuk to write out the vision because it is not for us but for those to come. It is to be revealed at an appointed time. When they see it, they will run. Paul talks of walking with God and walking in the Spirit but here God talks of inspiring another generation to go from a walk to a run.

1 Kings 13 An unnamed prophet goes to a wicked king who worships idols, and when the king orders to have the prophet captured, his hand withers and he asks for help. The prophet then gives a message of redemption through a king called Josiah. The bible had not been part of the culture for over two generations (maybe about 100 years). When Josiah began to reign at age 8, and he heard the Word including his life being prophesied 300 years ago, he tore down all the idols. The prophecy changed the legacy of the nation. Josiah was the declaration of someone’s prophecy and the fulfilment of someone’s prayers.

Acts 3: 24

Do not be kept from prophesying to another generation. Abortion is the fruit of a generation that refuses to dream. It kills the future. People lose hope for their children when the message being preached is the dreadful end instead of the coming of the new kingdom. We must not take away the path for His-story to happen - pathways for our children to come into their destiny. Live for them to have prosperity.

I should write for a generation I will never see. What would I say to my children’s children and their children and so on? What are my dreams, visions and thoughts for them? Write in such a way that they will be moved to run for God, to run with overwhelming hope, joy and passion. Have a 300-year vision to restore the future for them. I have a reason to be alive, a reason to look forward. Write with an apostolic purpose to see lasting revival.

Fashioned by a loving God

You accomplish not to become special. Your accomplishments do not do this. You are special, therefore you are able to accomplish great things. This is where you belong. In the cradle of God's safe arms. You are not defined by your accomplishments. Your identity comes first. It is set by God. You are secure, esteemed and adored when you rest in Him.

This season - lessons gained

It has been a long time coming. Me learning to place my security in God and trust Him fully. These are areas He has been speaking about for years as I have yet to completely overcome my lack of confidence in His goodness and sovereignty. God knows it will do me no good to continue with fear and worry. A pessimistic mindset will only make my future look bleak even if it holds promises of greatness.

This year has been one big lesson in placing my life squarely in God's hands without hesitating or changing my mind and taking it back. A lesson in understanding that God works in seasons, which makes recognising what season I am in crucial. I spent most of the year feeling guilty for taking a break, and trying to justify myself by looking constructive and busy. That did not achieve anything but make me feel harassed and tired.

At this point, though, I am far more settled and at rest. I have accepted that God has given me this time. He has provided for Fab and I to remain financially stable during this period. Denying that this was meant to be a season of rest only prolonged my frustration and sense of aimlessness. Demanding that God hurry with opening the door to my dream job only led to anxiety, impatience and dissatisfaction. I was far more concerned with the opinions of others than what God was trying to establish in my life.

It is more important for me to walk according to His plans than to be approved by people, however. All my life I have tried to live up to the expectations of others and now I ask myself what the purpose of that was. God has written my destiny and it is up to me to discover what that is. I could conform to the patterns of this world by meeting the standards set by societal culture and norms but this would probably lead me in the other direction. If I answer only to humankind, I miss out on the truest relationship of all and lose myself in the process.

I want to experience's God peace. The only way that is going to happen is if I assess my decisions against what God thinks of me and my life. I could receive the most logical sounding advice from others but if it opposes God's good, pleasing and perfect will, it would be pointless to follow suit. My advisers did not pay the way for me to have salvation and an eternity of joy and meaning. I don't belong to them. I belong to God and His kingdom.

I am more than a daughter, friend and wife on earth. My self worth extends beyond my roles and responsibilities. I am no lesser than the next person even if I do not hold a job, earn a certain wage or have children. There are those who are convinced otherwise and somehow believe it is their place to remind me of my duties. They do so perhaps because they love me and are afraid I am headed for destruction. I am after all 30 and have been married for two years. Perhaps they are not able to see it any other way. This is not the time to be figuring my life out, or is it?

One day I will look back on this season and say it was but a flash in time, yet it prepared me for what was ahead. I will proclaim the benefits of this season and others will witness how I became a better person because of it.

It is easier to keep myself occupied than it is to consciously make the effort to slow down and reflect. To stop and question the motives behind my work, be it professionally, in ministry or even at home. Some call it an Asian mentality. The fear of being regarded as lazy and unaccomplished. The fear of missing an opportunity. So my days were filled with some form of activity or distraction, whether necessary or not.

By entering this season, I have been forced to confront where my security lies. To question who I am without my performance. Am I still worthy? Does my inactivity make me a failure? For years I survived within structure. Structure at work and structure in church. I abided by all protocol, I fulfilled all requirements, checked all task boxes. (Alright, so maybe I dropped the ball a couple of times) I met the part. But did I ever become the part or was I merely acting?

When all my titles are set aside, am I able to stand? When I do not have achievements and accolades to back myself up, can I still hold my head high? Do I know who I am apart from everything I have ever been involved in? If the reason for my involvement became to meet human expectations, does that mean my work over the years has counted for nothing? 

These are the questions I am finding answers to this year.

Still, I was beginning to worry that this year was becoming a total loss as well until Millie thanked me yesterday. Touching one precious life has made this journey all worth it. Truth be told, I thank God for Millie as she has encouraged me tremendously. Millie is a friend I feel refreshed being around. She makes me want to get closer to God just by being herself. We have great talks. Talks I hope will continue even though she'll be in Africa. Although I am going to miss my dear friend, I am so excited for God's grand plan for her to come to fruition!

God's timing is indeed perfect. He is neither slow, as we define slowness, nor fast. There are seasons that seem to go by like the crawl of a snail, but before we know it, time gets pulled out from other us and flies away like a magic carpet.

Elle gave me a great analogy today, a word she felt God give for this season. Dendrochronology. Or, for the lay person such as myself, tree-ring dating. No, Elle did not mention the word, she simply described the illustration. I found the term on Wikipedia.

As you may already know, the age of a tree can typically be ascertained by counting the number of rings on its cross section. Each ring represents a year in the life of the tree. Elle explained that the cross section of a tree can be likened to a clock. The only difference is it takes an entire year for the markings to make a full circle. A year may appear to be a long time, but in that year the tree matures and bears fruit. It endures different seasons and becomes stronger as it is allowed to follow its natural pace. For this reason, I think it is apt that the markings are also called growth rings.

Elle suggested that God is taking this year to build something in my life, and that I should not rush the process but take the time to understand what He wants to achieve during this time. It is difficult, she noted, to work with a clock that takes a year to complete one cycle. Difficult to consciously slow down and take stock of what is going on in and around our lives. However, we can reap from this practice.

When all is said and done, I want to know I kept in God's pace. That I walked with Him as His daughter and friend. That I was faithful with all He entrusted to me. If I do not know who I am and whether I can lean on my God in all situations, and I go about my day just pleasing others, that would be a waste. If I miss out on having an inseparable intimacy with my Maker, and the adventures He has waiting for me, the people whose criteria I matched will not be able to redeem my loss. So I live for Him instead.

I am handing Him my desires - for a job I love and feel thoroughly fulfilled doing, for healing, for a child, and to not be left out. I don't have to have all the answers right now. I don't need to justify what I'm doing (or not doing). There are others on this journey and one day my experiences will serve as a testimony for them to find freedom.

By the grace of God, I am where I am, I have what I have, and I am who I am. And I am learning to appreciate this chance and find joy, peace and hope in Him.

I am also grateful to Fab and my family, and all who have encouraged me in some way (in alphabetical order) - Ailing, Angela, Belle, Charis, Chia Yen, Elise, Faith, Hana, Jason Chong, Jodie, Judith (in Singapore), Julie, Kudzi, Lance, Liane, Millie, Nicole, Pei Yin, Priscilla, Rayson, Roy, Shin Yee, and Tom. If you're reading this and I forgot to place your name here, you have permission to leave a message with a cartoon face sticking out its tongue. I apologise in advance for my horrid absent-mindedness.

i ♥

I found these necklaces via the link to Pigeonhole on Karen Cheng's website. I love the antique-looking keys. I know Belle does too for they hold a prophetic meaning. God has said on several occasions that He has given each one in our church the keys to the community and the nations. The key to unlock hearts and free people from bondage, be it figuratively like with an addiction or cripplingly negative mindset, or literally as with human trafficking.

And here's one of a cute house. Interestingly, someone once had a vision of God giving me a house. A beautiful large house with a garden. Not too sure what that means exactly...

Daughter of the King

You are the daughter of the Most High King . A princess. He loves you with an everlasting love. His heart aches for you to know your identity. For you to know just how deep His love for you really is. He longs for you to be close to Him. He gets the final say on who you are and He says you are beautiful. You were not born out of human initiation but you are a miracle. You were and are wanted and you are not a waste or a disappointment. God says you are special and precious and He thinks of you more highly than you think of yourself. You have a place of belonging and a great purpose. You are a dream come true

Though you are currently on a journey where you feel lost, like Alice did when she fell down the rabbit hole, God will bring clarity. He will enable you to enter the room with all the treasures you see through the key hole. You feel small now but God will enlarge your capacity and give you the key to unlock the door. He has much in store for you to enjoy. Alice's journey through Wonderland was a great life changing experience. So too will this season and journey be for you. God does not tease, taunt or short change. He does not dangle the carrot in front of you only to hide it later on. He hides gifts for you to uncover excitedly, as in a treasure hunt. He is restoring your sense of wonder and mystery. You will find joy in Him and that joy will be your strength.

Ephesians 1: 18-19 "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and His incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of His mighty strength."

Pictures from here

Consolidating

My journey with God, particularly in recent years, has been interesting. I still feel I'm groping in the dark trying to work out where I'm meant to go and what I've been purposed to do exactly, but the pieces are slowly coming together.

Kudzi and Millie mentioned on Saturday that God prompted them to look through the journals they have collected over the years, to record what He has been saying to them, through visions, dreams, and words of prophecy, in chronological order. Both have begun to uncover how much God has been communicating and imparting, and to identify certain themes. I figured it would be beneficial to do the same.

I've filled seven A4 pages with lines gathered since 2007. Although I failed to jot down every word received since then, and prior, these pages give me enough to work on. Recurrent themes, for personal reference, are:

• Let go, trust God
• He's bringing me through situations to test and stretch my faith
• He wants me to overcome
• As I trust, He will lead, deliver and comfort
• Focus on Him completely, not the situations
• The battle belongs to the Lord
• The benefit of these challenges is not just for me. I am to bless others
• I am part of something far greater than myself
• The journey will be long but persevere
• Go higher and farther, step out to do what appears impossible
• Get ready, be prepared
• There is so much more in store
• Get into the Word
• Teach the Word
• Lead, be a pillar in God's house
• Use the Word as a sword
• Expect the supernatural, the miraculous
• Appropriate the power and authority God has given
• Move only with His anointing and strength
• Let God impart wisdom and insight
• Use the wisdom to support those around me
• He will give me creative solutions to problems
• There will be a greater release of creativity
• A double anointing over my writing
• Let God guide my writing
• He has given me the keys to unlock doors and chains - to free the captive
• Prophecy over the injustice to see a shift spiritually
• Do not compare myself with others - He has approved me to be His minister and will cause me to "bloom" where others have not gone before
• I do not need to prove myself worthy of His love
• Be assured of His calling over my life and continue to be faithful and teachable
• Do not be afraid of making mistakes
• Do not beat myself up over mistakes but rely on God
• This is a time of rest and restoration
• Learn to enjoy God and serve from a place of rest (peace, joy and hope, not worry, stress and hurried activity like Martha)
• He is doing a new thing; something exciting and beyond my imagination
• Be patient and seek His heart - do not run ahead of God
• His promises will come to pass though they seem slow - He is never too early or too late
• He loves with an everlasting love
• Change will happen sooner than I think
• Put the Word into action - obey
• I may be alone at first on the journey but others will join eventually
• God will enable me to trail blaze with joy but I need to trust
• He has called me to be a mighty warrior, fearless to fight against injustice
• He has clothed me with righteousness
• Righteousness and wisdom must go hand in hand to secure justice and freedom
• He sees me as beautiful, as a princess, exotic flower...Rose of Sharon (not sure what that means)
• Give myself permission to be beautiful and free
• God will enable me to be a peacemaker - to spot issues ahead of time, see the good in bad situations and see people the way He sees them
• Do not rely on my own understanding
• Put a stop to the tape recorder in my head and toss out the questions that make me go in circles
• Surrender the past and the hurt I try to avoid - let God heal my pain
• He will use what has burnt me as my greatest ministry
• He has the best purpose and plan for my life
• His grace is sufficient for me
• God does not forget me and will not shortchange me
• He is unravelling a surprise for me and will bring me into something new, something I have no prior experience in, something beyond my expectations and dreams
• To God, I am more than what I see myself as, and more than what I have achieved up to this point
• Be secure in God and do not be swayed or discouraged
• Place confidence in God not man
• He wants me to know His heart intimately - He leads me gently by my heart
• Declare His goodness and the wonders of His love
• Let women and children know they are beautiful
• Intercede - I will see breakthrough
• God has given me one who can partner with me in prayer
• He will bring new joy as I let Him renew my mind and enlarge my thinking with His Word

Necklaces and Scrolls

Things are changing. God's promises are going to come to pass. Breakthrough begun. I must believe it.

Rachelle received a prophetic word from God yesterday during the service. A word about God bringing us into a new season. This has been spoken over our church and individuals within the church a number of times, particularly in the last year.

She saw a vision of a person wearing a necklace, the necklace signifying God's promises. This reminded me of the vision my mum saw of me earlier this year. A necklace sits halfway between our head and our heart. We hold God's promises close to our heart as they matter. His promises bring us hope, peace and joy to be our strength for the journey ahead. His promises give us purpose and life. We hold His promises at the forefront of our minds so we don't forget what He has spoken of, especially in times of difficulty when it is easy to waiver in doubt. His promises give us vision and clarity.

Rachelle also saw a scroll. A few years back, possibly in 2007, when I first joined the Church leadership team and attended the their camp, I saw a vision of a scroll and a feather pen writing onto it. I could not see what was being written and I wasn't certain if God was holding the pen or if I was meant to.

When Lisa Toh prayed for me that night, she felt God letting me know to not forget His promises and the things He had already spoken to me about and done in my life. She encouraged me to keep a journal. I decided to use this blog as I cannot lose a blog the way I lose pieces of paper or even notebooks, and this way everything is all in the one place. (Extended version of Lisa's prayer is here) At that time, I didn't see how this fit in with the picture I saw of the scroll but it spurred me to write.

The timeline is unclear to me, but shortly after, at a Sunday service on the Gold Coast, May Cheung prayed for me during the altar call session. She confirmed God was encouraging me to write. That He would increase my ability and would use my writing to bless others.  May also mentioned God would one day provide the right avenue and let me know who to direct my writing to and what to write. This brought light to the vision I received.

With the vision of the scroll, God told Rachelle the wonderful plans He has written out for us will eventually become clear. Perhaps each of us is holding the feather pen while God is holding our hand, about to reveal how we can partner to bring the visions and promises to pass.

"I was watering the plants"

"So she can focus on what's more important...YOU"

My white knight, Jesus You are

Lifesaver, You are never far

You hear my call even when I have no voice

You provide the way when I see no clear choice

You show my fears for what they are

Paper tigers with no power to scar

You silence my accusers and defend my name

You call me beautiful; intelligent; pure; without blame

I let the hurt in when I failed to see You

I thought you weren't real, just a story untrue

But when I asked if you were there

When I screamed the pain was unfair

You knelt down, held my hands and gave me faith anew

(Original composition - I wrote this after my 'sozo' with Ps Lance and Belle)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Thank you for a new beginning. For assuring me of Your presence, love and ability to protect and deliver. This picture is what You showed me when I asked where You were the day I was hurt. It made me laugh. There was a joy in me I don't recall feeling for a very long time. The laughter was almost uproarious. I could literally feel it bubbling up from inside. I didn't share the vision immediately as I doubted it was You but I couldn't contain being tickled pink, and as I blurted what I heard You say, I knew it had to be You. It had to be the truth. I couldn't have come up with that on my own.

You're my firefighter, Jesus. You hear the bell in my heart and You rush to my side to rescue me. I am approved by You. You give me the thumbs up and You find me entertaining in a good way. It's like You never tire of being with me. You never get bored but somehow find ways to be amused and amazed each time we are together.

Having God’s "Unreasonable" Faith

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you —Matthew 6: 33

When we look at these words of Jesus, we immediately find them to be the most revolutionary that human ears have ever heard. “. . . seek first the kingdom of God . . . .” Even the most spiritually-minded of us argue the exact opposite, saying, “But I must live; I must make a certain amount of money; I must be clothed; I must be fed.” The great concern of our lives is not the kingdom of God but how we are going to take care of ourselves to live. Jesus reversed the order by telling us to get the right relationship with God first, maintaining it as the primary concern of our lives, and never to place our concern on taking care of the other things of life.

“. . . do not worry about your life. . .” ( Matthew 6: 25 ). Our Lord pointed out that from His standpoint it is absolutely unreasonable for us to be anxious, worrying about how we will live. Jesus did not say that the person who takes no thought for anything in his life is blessed— no, that person is a fool. But Jesus did teach that His disciple must make his relationship with God the dominating focus of his life, and to be cautiously carefree about everything else in comparison to that. In essence, Jesus was saying, “Don’t make food and drink the controlling factor of your life, but be focused absolutely on God.” Some people are careless about what they eat and drink, and they suffer for it; they are careless about what they wear, having no business looking the way they do; they are careless with their earthly matters, and God holds them responsible. Jesus is saying that the greatest concern of life is to place our relationship with God first, and everything else second.

It is one of the most difficult, yet critical, disciplines of the Christian life to allow the Holy Spirit to bring us into absolute harmony with the teaching of Jesus in these verses.

My Utmost For His Highest

Oswald Chambers

** Matthew 6: 25-34 is the passage God brought me to before I came to Australia. I was afraid to come to an unfamiliar place. Afraid of the people and being away from family and friends. He promised He would take care of everything. He had already gone ahead to prepare the way in fact. I have experienced this promise from the time I started preparing to leave home. So it should not be any different in this new season. I must remember His promise still stands. He's holding me in the palm of His hands.

More than a secretary

I found it difficult to get into His presence during the worship in Church again. And for some reason, I was so drowsy that my mind wandered during the sermon. I did catch parts of it though. I figured it would be another routine Sunday. Another Sunday of not really connecting with God. Still, I decided to respond to the altar call, hoping someone would pray for me without asking why I was there.

I was standing at the end of the line of people up front and started to wonder if I should just walk away as I had done a couple of times in the past two months. I wondered if God would speak to me about my current season. Something told me to wait.

The guest preacher came up to me as I had my eyes closed. I was quietly singing and felt a hand sit lightly on my left shoulder. He prayed indistinctly for half a minute before tapping me slightly. "Do you like administration?", he asked, brown eyes looking intently at me. "Sometimes", I said. "Mmm...do you do it because you have to?", was his next question. "Many times yes", was my response.

He thought for a second and asked, "What ministries are you involved in at Church?" I gave him a brief rundown and then mentioned I had worked in administration for five years and left my job at the end of January. The preacher smiled and said, "I didn't know you were working in administration. The vision I had as I began praying was of you sitting at a desk in front of a computer. It was like you were in a receptionist type role as someone came along and pressed the bell at the counter to get your attention. Does this relate with what you were doing?"

He barely knows me. But he hit the nail on its head. My mind traced back to what one student asked years ago. "Do you actually know anything or are you just the receptionist?" He wanted to know if I was familiar with the programs and courses offered by the faculty I was working at. I recalled the arrogance in his voice and his smug expression. Then I started to remember being yelled at by teaching staff and students who made it clear I was worth nothing. I may not have received such comments when I moved into an academic advising role three years later but the work was still mundane. I didn't learn anything new in all the five years I was at the university. I had to bite my tongue everytime I was spoken down to or was faced with an unreasonable student.

"Yes, that definitely relates", I finally said. "When I saw the vision of you, I felt God say that He has built you for more. You are more than just a secretary. He has made you for far greater things", the preacher said. "Anyway, was there something you came forward to receive prayer for?", he asked softly. "No, that was it actually. That was exactly it", I said, almost tripping over my words.

Tears began to fall as I fumbled to explain that God has given me promises of something new but the promises are vague as to what direction I should take. I mentioned the concerns I have received about not being employed, and how I could just return to what I was doing since that is all that is available to me at present. "But I want more. God has promised me more but there have been no open doors". I looked down and said in my heart to God, "I just want to feel alive. I just want to feel alive".

The preacher encouraged me to pray specifically at that moment for what was on my heart. To just pour everything out to God. "Talk to God in your heart. I will support you in prayer" he said. So I lifted my hands to God and began crying out in my heart as the preacher prayed over me audibly. I asked God for a job that would allow me to release the burdens I have carried since I was young. A job that would allow me to write and impact the world for God. I want to be His mouthpiece to bring truth, love, hope and restoration to women and children across this globe. I want to bring God's joy through my writing. I don't want a job that will drain me again. I want a job that is not separate from the things that matter to me. I want my job to be my greatest ministry. I want my life to tie together. I don't just want a job for the income. I want a job I am passionate about. A job I love and feel fulfilled in.

When I received a discouraging phone call last week, I began selecting administrative jobs I am qualified to apply for, and placed a link to the selection criteria, that needs to be addressed, on my desktop. Those documents remind me of what I have left behind. If I apply for these jobs, I feel like I'll just be settling again and will not be able to move on even if I remain in them only temporarily. It took courage for me to leave my last job and walk into uncertainty, silly as that may sound. Why should I have to turn back and throw myself into the rut I finally climbed out of? I feel stuck in this transition too but at least I took that first step to get out of what was making me feel dead, unhappy and dissatisfied.

I needed the affirmation I received last night at Church. I needed another confirmation from God. He did say at the start of my unemployment that He was giving me this break. He did say He was cutting the strings so I didn't have to feel like a puppet anymore. He did say I have the power to make my own decisions as I have never believed this (and still lack the conviction). He did tell me to go ahead and doodle, draw, paint, write, create things...in short ENJOY myself. That is one thing I have struggled with - giving myself permission to truly enjoy life as a whole, not just have fun on some days.  He asked me to trust Him and give Him my cares. Why do I still hold on to my worries and fears?

My gratitude goes to the people who have been supporting me through prayer, encouragement, and valued company. A special thank you to my husband who has been my biggest support. He has seen me on my best days and my worst. He saw this even before we started dating yet he chose to stick by me and love me. He is my closest friend, my ever dearest companion. He has never stopped believing in me even when I was close to giving up all hope on several occasions. Even when I was (am) a complete mess.

A huge thank you to God who sees me worthy of more than a deadbeat job.

Click here to read about my journey. I may have missed one or two related posts when including the links but you'll get a pretty good idea of what's been happening. As for me, I need to remember everything God has spoken to me about and not doubt but keep my head up high.

This season (A really long post)

I haven't written a great deal about my current season although I have shared about it with various ones. Each time I speak with someone new I say to myself that I should record my journey, yet I haven't until now. For one thing, I don't enjoy talking about my season to just anyone. There's also been a laziness to actually put everything on paper, or screen in this instance.

Where do I begin? Perhaps with the beginning. That would make sense wouldn't it? I would say the most logical or prominent starting point is the presbytery in 2008, two or three months after Fab and I got married.

At that point, I was already finding my work dull and meaningless but I was not considering leaving it. I didn't ask God for anything specific, that I can remember, and just prayed that He would talk about future direction at the presbytery.

Amongst various words of encouragement and adjustment, there came a prophecy regarding future direction. In short, it was about how I would soon be taking a new path. A path that would seem economically unviable, particularly to those close to me. There would be a certain level of concern over whether the choice made was correct. Despite this, I should continue to love those who would be unable to support my decision. Eventually it would become clear what God's intentions for me are, and those who love me will be able to see the reason behind the change of direction.

Fast forward to a year later at the second presbytery. I am frustrated with my job and am getting tired of commuting for at least an hour and a half each way (at times this turns to three and a half hours) in peak hour traffic, and being carsick all the way home each work day. I see less meaning to my role at work and in ministry with each passing week. I know I am simply going with the flow as I have always done. There is no vision, no passion and no joy. I am performing my tasks dutifully but grudgingly. I may be faithful but I am certainly not fruitful. I feel trapped and have begun to resent where I am at.

The second presbytery does not bring any further indication or instructions regarding the new path so I conclude I should remain in my job and continue with my other commitments. By now I am bursting into tears after reaching the office some days and crying myself to sleep other nights. I literally do not even want to be at church anymore. I question whether I am still a Christian. This unnerves me. I am angry, agitated, discontented and quietly wish I could come up with a valid reason to leave everything behind and disappear until I have my future sorted and am seen as successful by those around me. Naturally I know this is childish thinking.

I speak with my husband and my mentor at church and start asking questions at work. I get advice from colleagues older, wiser and more experienced than myself and discuss my thoughts with my manager at our annual performance appraisal meeting. Several voice they did not expect me to last in the job for so long, considering the length of time I had been in the same mundane role and was now travelling a much greater distance. Each persuades me to take time to explore different options and to find something that will bring me joy and fulfillment. They understand I have not developed any skills over the past five years or gained any expertise. My mentor encourages me to consider a break from ministry. I feel guilty for not supporting my husband better.

There is much to contemplate and I finally muster the courage to let my parents in on the situation. I wouldn't dare resign if they thought I was being ridiculous. The correspondence goes surprisingly well and I grow a little confidence in choosing to leave my job with nothing mapped out. My booming fears of not having a job to go to, how that would be received by my family and Fab's, and how that would impact Fab subside just a smidgen. I still worry over our financial stability and what others will think of me. People I know less well at the office begin to hear rumours and ask if I am leaving to make babies. I sigh.

It is December and I bite the bullet. I gingerly hand my resignation letter in and my manager both smiles and shrugs. She is happy that I am making a decision for myself but wishes I would stay longer with the team. I talk again with my mentor and decide that it is best for me to step out of certain roles at church. I cannot wait to go home for the holidays. My head warns me I am just trying to escape. My heart is relieved the day of our flight back is drawing near. It hates the fact that I have been sobbing in the car on the way to church for the past few weeks.

Our Christmas and New Year break overseas comes around and I am incredibly anxious about facing my family and Fab's. I anticipate the questions, the comments, the judgement, the advice. All in all the trip goes well and I return to the Gold Coast mostly unscathed. There is one remark I hold in my heart. Oddly, it has nothing to do with my decision but I carry it with me even today. I really should exercise forgiveness and let it go. 

February roles round, the first of which marks the start of my unemployment. Fab and I go to Melbourne and I plan my days around sight seeing and catching up with friends. The test begins in the second week. All I can think of is how much I must be constructive and prove to the world that I am not useless and lazy. Comments about me becoming a lady of leisure and frittering away my husband's hard earned savings accumulate and crawl beneath my skin. Fab reminds me that he encouraged me to have a break. I cannot even count the number of times I nervously checked with him if he was certain this would be alright before handing in my resignation letter. I check with him again just to make sure, and do so perhaps once a week for the next few weeks.

A close friend at church approaches to ask how I am. Apparently Fab has expressed his fears about our financial situation. The friend assures me they told Fab not to worry and reminded him of the vision they received for us during the first presbytery and how God wanted us to trust Him for His provision. I am upset and wonder why my husband (my best friend) was not honest about his feelings. I confront Fab about this on the way home, only to be given a thoroughly blank look. Turns out Fab never mentioned anything to said friend. He asserts he is not concerned about our finances.

Weeks pass and the one good thing I had going for me ends. I have completed a five-week online writing course with the Sydney Writers' Centre, focusing on feature articles for magazines and newspapers. I have also discovered how upset I can get at myself over specks on the wooden floorboards at home. The writing course provided a constructive distraction from the housework and how deflated I was over my lack of abilities and impractical life choice. I return to berating myself over my decision to not work. I feel incapable of being a good Christian, a good wife and a good anything-useful.

Gratefully, God did not leave me hanging over that period. Watching me fling myself onto every ride and an award-winning roller coaster at Emotions-Central Amusement Park, He thought it best to put in a few words. He did so through various ones who prayed with me without knowing my situation or frame of mind. A pattern sprung up in the lines of encouragement. Each message clearly said, "Don't feel guilty. God is giving you this break. Don't rush ahead of Him. Allow Him to do what He needs to do in your life. Enjoy your relationship with Him". It was strangely difficult to be convinced of this and is still now.

It has been 15 weeks and 3 days since I resigned and the guilt is still here. I am also unable to enjoy my relationship with God. In fact I have not been able to worship in church or receive the teaching for months. I felt uncomfortable at the Easter service during the Oceania Convention. My insides were screaming for me to get out of the hall so they could breathe. I went home and quickly shoved a DVD from this year's Hillsong Womens' Colours Conference into my computer for some form of biblical input. Wow. What a power packed preaching! It was as if the speaker had prepared the entire sermon for me and I was the only one listening to it. It certainly was timely. I have since shared it with a few friends because I know it can impact many.

Between April and the first week of May, I devoured all eleven DVDs in the 2007 Colours Conference pack lent by Shin Yee. Again I felt each message was incredibly apt for this season. Tina Wong echoed the inspiration I received from those teachings at the Beautiful: Empowered Women weekend just past. Yet I am still at a loss as to what to do.

God has promised me a surprise. That was one of the things He said when I was prayed for in February. That He would give me a surprise. He promised I would start something new. Something I had not done before and did not have experience in. He promised it would bring me joy and that He would enable me to bring hope to people. I remember my mentor praying for me to have peace. This is a recurring theme. People often pray for me to have peace even when they don't know what I'm facing. It was mentioned in the first presbytery that I need to trust God, for fear will be my downfall.

I have spent this whole time trying to justify myself before people. Contrary to popular belief, my mind and heart have not rested since I left my job. I am so afraid to be seen as a burden to Fab. Scared to be labelled as lazy, useless and a time waster. Frightened to be judged and criticised. I have continually been sifting job sites and advertisements. There has been a constant pain running from the base of my head to the fingertips on my right hand. I have struggled to sleep many nights. It has been a battle to keep my motivation up. I find myself being less constructive by the day.

What would I do if God had not blessed me with a loving family, wonderful husband and friends like Shin Yee, Angela, Elise, Millie and Nicole (this list is by no means exhaustive)? I need to turn my attention more to God and stop letting the opinions of others discourage and sway me when they're negative.

I have received revelation haven't I? I have been faithful in imparting what I know to my sheep and certain ones around me haven't I? I have made a positive impact in someone's life haven't I? Now if I can just remember all I have uttered that made me think, "Wow, that was such a God thing! I couldn't have come up with that on my own. That must be the Holy Spirit talking". It would have been helpful if I had journalled those words.

I got a call today that set me back. A journal of revelations from God would have been helpful for such a day as this. Someone close decided to express their concern over my lack of gainful employment. They said I ought to consider the burden I am placing on my husband. That I need to remember Fab and I have other commitments and it is unfair to let him carry the financial weight alone. There is our mortgage and Fab's family to care for. They asked what Fab thought of my current state. My response was he is happy for me to be on a break. They laughed and said he didn't have a choice in the matter. Some advice and suggestions were given. They told me I cannot afford to be unemployed indefinitely. Who said anything about this being indefinite? I'm glad they didn't ask me for the umpteenth time how my housework was going. How does one keep answering that question anyway?

It is for this reason that I have withdrawn myself. I am tired of attempting to give an explanation. Tired of feeling I need to prove something. Of wanting to be accepted and approved. I tried to end the conversation and even lied about a headache. That didn't work. The person kept talking. Thankfully a new topic of discussion was brought up. I know this person loves me dearly and they mean a great deal to me. A great, great deal. Their approval is incredibly important. It always has been. Yet they are one person I want to avoid speaking about this season with.

Fab came home and after fifteen minutes of consciously pursing my lips shut, I blurted, "Are you disappointed in me? Am I a burden to you?" I proceeded to relay the phone conversation. "They're disappointed in me. They make me feel like I'm an awful wife. This isn't the first time they have alluded to me being inconsiderate of your feelings, needs and desires". I stress over these issues every day. I have since contemplating a resignation. I do worry about our finances. I do worry I am being a burden. I do worry I will never amount to anything. I do worry I am a stumbling block to my husband's spiritual growth when I struggle with my own walk.

Do they really think I have willfully chosen to be a lady of leisure? They may laugh when they deliver their remarks but you know what, I don't find such comments funny. I know them. I know they're not joking.  On the one hand it seemed they were supporting me but then I started to have doubts. What are they really thinking? They say they understand me and can read me. They have encouraged me. But today their words have hurt me. I won't forget what was said. I didn't bother telling them I have been looking at jobs this whole time and have made contact with a few key people. I left out the fact that I look at what is available and know I am not adequately qualified and it makes me feel very small.

Tomorrow, I shall start applying for jobs I am not interested in. They're the only kind I am qualified for. The routine, meaningless kind. It's easier to do that then deal with people. Maybe I really am meant to be working. Fab suggested it would keep me busy while I wait for my surprise. It does not have to be permanent. If we really return to Singapore indefinitely, it certainly will not have to be. He said, "Take up anything. We're fine financially. It can just be for one or two days so you can get out of the house". He knows I have stayed home to avoid spending money. He knows I feel guilty. I do need to occupy my time so I don't continue down this track of brooding. One could very well go insane. I have come close many times. There is so much time to fret over the social injustices and other causes of suffering in this world.

This too shall pass. This is just a season. Overcome this and I will be more prepared for what God has planned for me. He has asked I store His truth in my heart and teach it. I must not despise the days of small beginnings. He has given each of us a wonderful mind. There is wisdom to be harnessed and appropriated. I must not lose sight of my God. I must not give up trusting. I really want to remember the revelations I have gained in this time. I hope they come to mind again so I can jot them down. I don't want to forget. They're so important. I must write. And bring life through my writing.

I keep asking God how long this break is meant to be. His only response has been "Relax and be still". But I can't. I am edgy and anxious and want to be approved by certain ones. I must cling to Him and live for the audience of One (God).


To get a more complete picture, here are links to related posts in chronological order:

I just found this prayer I wrote at the start of the year. Can't believe I totally forgot about it.

November Post One - Choices
November Post Two - Moving on
February Post One - Feeling Empty
February Post Two - Things New and Not So New
February Post Three - Branching Out
March Post One - Crossing Jordan
March Post Two - Frustration
March Post Three - Related message (thanks to Charis)
March Post Four - I now know
March Post Five - Got a text
March Post Six - Habakkuk & Shin Yee
April Post One - Our invincible army
May Post One - Just in time
May Post Two - Related message (thanks to Vicky)