What makes you, you

Dear Phoebe,

You have a firm grip for someone so tiny. Even the photographer we met yesterday said so when she tried to pry your hand open to take away the sash she had wrapped you in. With this tenacity, you pulled on your hair a second time when the mitten on your left hand fell off. My darling, may you take hold of life with the same level of grit, passionately pursuing the things of God. May you also have the wisdom to pick your battles and not sweat the small stuff. May your eyes ever be on the Lord, the author and perfecter of your faith, such that you live with the right priorities and values. 

You have a cute smile. Papa and I try to capture this with our phone cameras when we can. A midwife explained that smiles mean gas for babies up to the age of four or six weeks, but even if they are only a sign of flatulence, they sure make me happy. There is a great sense of contentment on your chubby face when you are sufficiently full from a meal and nothing else is bothering you. You also seem to respond to Nai Nai's voice with crescent shaped lips. To think something so simple can be so rewarding. My love, may you always be filled with the joy of the Lord and not struggle with discontentment. May you take pleasure in the little things, and all that God has created for you to enjoy. May your delight be in Him so that your heart's desires are met. May your sweet disposition and lovely countenance be contagious and a blessing to others. 

You are rather unpredictable at times. Truth be told, it's only because you cannot yet communicate in a way I fully understand. This has led to double nappy changes in one sitting and extra laundry because of unexpected gushes of pee or big squirts of mustardy poop. You know, pumpkin, life can get rather messy at times, and often this is from our own doing. Nevertheless, comfort can be found in God as His love covers our wrongs and His grace carries us through. Papa and I still make mistakes, and it is God whom we seek to get back on track. There have been countless times where the Lord has picked up the broken pieces of my life and mended my shattered heart. My baby, may you be quick to turn to the Lord in times of trouble and allow Him sovereignty over every area of your life. May you not take Him for granted but choose each day to walk in His ways. He knows you completely so if you ever feel like no one understands, just remember your Heavenly Father does. 

You are a fighter, Papa says. At your mini photoshoot yesterday (thanks to my colleagues who purchased the package for your baby shower gift), an hour was spent getting you into a particular pose. You did not agree to this and the photographer's grand plan had to be scrapped. While you complied with the way she positioned your feet, it was nearly impossible to place your hands in a certain way. You even attempted to fling off the pretty bejeweled band she gently tied over your forehead. You have your unique sleeping postures, so it's good luck to anyone who wants to change that. My princess, may your stubbornness be towards fighting for justice and righteousness. May you be a voice for the voiceless and stand for the oppressed with a fiery courage and a deep compassion. Be confident that God will back you up as you act in His timing and in accordance with His leading. 

You are unfazed by noise. Perhaps the sounds you heard while in my womb have helped you adapt to living on the outside. Regardless, I am still amazed at how you are not in the slightest affected by our roaring vacuum cleaner, daily conversations and the television. Although you occasionally startle at sudden interjections like the sharp bark of our neighbour's edgy dog, you have yet to cry or be unsettled from your slumber as a result. In fact, Papa just dropped the steam mop on our tiled floor and made a bang with the bar stool but here you are sleeping peacefully by my side in your bassinet. My sweet, may you go through life secure in the Lord and unperturbed by the challenges that pop up along the way. May you be so in tune with His Spirit that the enemy cannot deceive you with his wily schemes and subtle lies. May you listen only to the Lord when it comes to defining your identity and discovering your purpose. 

You are our most favourite Phoebe in the whole wide world and will forever be.

Love, Mama

19 Days Old

In a daze after your breakfast today

This photo is now on my i-Phone lock screen
I find your surprised expression pretty funny

This angle gave your arm the Michelin man look

Waiting for the umbilical cord stump to fall off

Dear Phoebe,

At this age, the majority of your time is spent gulping down milk and sleeping. You do have periods of wakefulness but this tends to center around your daily activities of drinking, getting a nappy change, doing a little tummy time and settling for another nap or bedtime at night. Each time you move while in your bassinet during the day, all eyes are on you, and Nai Nai gets her dose of cuddles whenever she can. I love how doting she and Ye Ye are of you. Papa and I are probably biased, but we think you are one of the cutest babies in the world and have been snapping up a large number of photographs even when you look the same in each shot. 

Since putting you on the S26 Gold formula for newborns, you have plumped up nicely and now have twice the appetite. Your face and belly appear to have rounded out and you may have gained an additional chin. Your neck is barely visible, which is adorable and rather hilarious when jokes are made of how you like to keep a little milk in those fat folds, as if saving it for a snack. You don't quite appreciate it when I try to clean between said folds to rid you of any stickiness and prevent a possible skin irritation. 

While you are at a stage of accepting my affection, I probably kiss you about a hundred times a day. This morning, as I stepped away for a minute to rinse your facecloth after changing you and giving you a quick wipe down, you inadvertently grabbed a bunch of your hair and yanked at it so hard it made you cry out suddenly. Your loud wail gave me a shock and I rushed back to help release your wispy locks. As you sobbed into my shoulder from the ordeal, I couldn't help but bathe you in extra kisses. 

Oh my little darling, how I wish I could easily solve all of life's troubles and soothe you as quickly as I did today. Yet I know I need to equip you to face challenges so you may mature in thought and character. It's going to require a great deal of trust in God on my part to allow you to experience discomfort for the purpose of healthy growth but for your sake it must be done. Still, what Papa and I can shelter you from, we certainly will.  

I am curious to know what your personality will be like as it is rather difficult to tell at this point. What I can say is that you are a wonderful baby as you hardly fuss so looking after you is quite a breeze. No doubt there are times when Papa and I cannot figure out what you are requesting for exactly. It is in those moments I ask God for the wisdom to bring a sense of calm to your struggles. I'm just grateful you seem to be adjusting well and are showing us patience as we clumsily learn our way through this new chapter. I intend to record your milestones here so Papa, you and I can look back on them together when you are older. 

Love, Mama

Our Little March Darling

Dear Phoebe,

You arrived on the first of March and our hearts could not be fuller. Papa and I are bursting with joy at being your parents. The labour was long and arduous but Daddy God made sure you were happy throughout the twenty one and a half hours. He was very gracious in answering my prayers for a natural delivery without drugs or intervention.

We were concerned when told you were facing the wrong way even though your head was downwards, but you turned in the last hour. It did mean, however, that I had pain in my back as well as the abdomen during each contraction. Thankfully, relief came from Papa faithfully holding a shower of warm water over my back for the most part as I knelt on a towel slung over a birthing ball. Although I cannot imagine going through that experience again, I can certainly agree with the many mothers who say it is all worth it. As soon as the midwife placed you on my chest, I fell in love. And I know Papa did too. You are so precious; I cannot get enough of staring at you, smooching your adorable face and getting in loads of cuddles.

The first week brought me many tears as we discovered you were quite jaundiced and had drastically dropped in weight. Papa and I thought you were just a really good sleeper but the doctor explained over-drowsiness is a symptom of jaundice and low blood sugars. While we were grateful the blood test indicated you did not require UV treatment, we were told to monitor your condition as a further drop in blood sugars or a spike in jaundice could lead to seizures and brain damage. My heart broke when I learnt my milk had not come in as I was not able to provide you with what was needed to be well. I remember holding you tightly and pleading for God to bring complete healing and to enable me to give you the best start in life. To encourage you to feed and have enough liquid to pass out the bilirubin, Papa dashed out that night to get a tin of formula. Although this solution is not my ideal way of giving you the essential nutrients to build a strong immune system, you are doing considerably well and have plumped up nicely. 

This season of adjusting to a new routine of three-hourly meals, bottle sterilising and an electric breast milk pump will not last long so Papa and I are cherishing every moment even though we may be tired at times. Despite there being several challenges at this stage for me, this is a good opportunity to grow my trust in God and willingness to release control. My security needs to lie in God in order for me to parent you better. I must not allow my identity to be defined by insensitive comments (no matter how close the person who utters them is to Papa and I), or where I think I rank according to society's supposed standards for motherhood. The truth of who I am and how well I am doing as your Mama can only be found in God. It is inevitable that Papa and I will make mistakes, but what is important is our heart to keep God at the centre of our family and the way we raise you. We will always cover you in prayer and you can rest assured that God will look after every area of your life. 

My sweetheart, you are a delight. I struggled for so long over the idea of being a mum but you have captivated my heart. Papa and I are truly blessed to have you in our lives. We will love you no matter what. You must know this in the depth of your being, this and the fact that God's love for you is absolutely unconditional, endless, faultless and immense. Hold onto these words for the world will try to convince you that acceptance, significance and personal worth are based on performance and stature. That is simply a huge lie many of us have fallen for. You have been fearfully and wonderfully made. You are God's beloved and our dearest. Nothing will ever change that. 

I love that you need us so much right now, for I know there will come a day when our arms may no longer be the first place you run to. You will mature and develop a sense of independence. You will learn to make your own decisions and fend for yourself. You may even start to contest our opinions and reject our advice in light of your own knowledge and perspective. Whatever it is, we will endeavour to teach you in the ways of God so you will not depart from them as you get older. And even if parenting becomes difficult as you go through different life phases, we will remind ourselves to treasure each day and every step of the journey. 

God has a wonderful plan for your life, baby girl, and we will be here to help you unravel all that He has in store. Our prayer is that you dream big with Him and boldly step out to pursue those dreams. Do not let us or anyone else impose their goals on you for your path has been specially paved by Daddy God. Courageously be who He has created you to be, not who others may want you to be. If you get tempted to compare yourself with others, remember you have a unique set of giftings that fit in perfectly with your personality and life experiences. No one can take your place so just focus on being the best you. God will forever be your greatest supporter but Papa and I are next in line cheering you on loudly. 

Love, Mama