Ecclesiastes 3 tells us there is a time for everything. What season are you in right now? For us here at the Gold Coast, we're preparing for the harvest. We're getting ready for the new semester, the orientation period which starts tomorrow, and the days to follow where we'll be actively organising activities for students to join us. We pray that we may build new friendships and reach out to those looking for a church, looking for assistance with settling in, looking for a network of friends in an unfamiliar land, looking for a message of hope. We want to be an impact to the community. There is so much lined up for just the next couple of months. At a time like this, spiritual opposition is usually very strong and we have already started to experience a little of the warfare. As Belle says, in response to us wanting to advance the kingdom of God, "the devil will come out to play, but (as we trust and pray and do our part), God will have His way"
For us this is our season to focus. To make the main thing the main thing and not let Satan and his minions throw distractions, discouragement and deception our way. We have seen this happen many times and need to be quick to recognise it and remain strong in God's Word, and of course take good care of our health and manage our time well...practical every day things. At times like this, you often see people falling ill, getting tired and even burning out, or they start going through a variety of difficult situations. I've already mentioned how some are facing the critical condition of a loved one, another has lost someone. It's easy for disillusionment to set in, for various ones to begin to waiver in their faith and slowly disengage themselves from the group. Separating us is a common ploy. When we get caught up in our own issues and isolate ourselves, we leave ourselves open for more attack. We may even begin to judge or resent the others or feel excluded or like no one can really understand and they don't really care.
I've been through that. I fell into depression for a period of several months and struggled. Then one day, God spoke life into me again. One of the women leaders in the church came forward to pray for me. She didn't ask me any questions and had no idea what I had been going through yet after waiting upon the Lord, she said to me, "It's like you've been going through a season of extreme dryness. It's been about 3 months now...God wants to encourage you that He will bring you out of this season. He will refresh and renew you and you will see restoration..." I believe that time of my life was necessary to shape something in me. I was nearing the end of my counselling course with a Christian college. One of my lecturers brought us through a session where he asked us to face our own inner person, to confront what was deep inside of us because his theory was, "if you do not learn to first counsel yourself, you cannot be free to fully counsel another as you may otherwise bring your own baggage, biases, expectations, preconceived notions etc to the table". I didn't think it would really lead to anything but the time he gave us to just quietly reflect and ponder, as he guided us with carefully phrased questions and prompts, brought to the surface emotions and pain I had somehow repressed. I did not know their origin but began to sob. He gave each of us a blank piece of paper to draw or write what we were experiencing or thinking or whatever we wanted to express. My sheet filled with rather dark images and negative words. That was the start to my depression.
I cried like never before. At the drop of a hat. for no apparent reason. Everything overwhelmed me. Every piece of assessment I had to do, every responsibility I had in church, every relationship. I would cry all the way to college while driving. I'd cry myself to sleep. I'd lock myself in the car and scream at the top of my lungs. I couldn't sleep. Then I hit a point where I dreaded being awake and facing another day. I tried to pray, to keep reading the Bible, to do all the things I knew to be "right". I tried to keep up with my work and with ministry. Somehow God gave me enough strength to carry these things through but slowly I began isolating myself from others. I was sick and tired of their textbook answers, of them asking me, "well have you prayed?", or telling me, "just think about something else". None of that was working for me and I couldn't understand why. I was hurt.
For months before that class we had at college, I was living with a person who was angry and bitter and had begun to hate me and hate church and her life. Day after day I had to face her negative attitude and loud angry words and door slamming. It was a hostile environment. She was once a very close friend but a series of events destroyed that. I praise God for bringing restoration to that relationship eventually though things will never be the same as they were when we were close. Another dear friend had been going through difficult times and for months I listened and tried to be the best support I could. I prayed for her and spent time with her. Perhaps in some ways, I failed to draw strength from God and let it subtly drain me. Then came the character assassination. It was a slow accumulation of comments, accusations, judgements, advice. I was held responsible for the actions of others because I was supposed to be setting a better example. Somehow I had let my leaders and those under my care down. I felt misunderstood and was shocked at what I was told. Nothing of who I was or what I did seemed good enough to please everyone. A couple of months before everything came crashing down, I started to face relationship issues too. Fab and I had grown closer in our friendship but though we knew it was not the right timing, we didn't pull away as much as we should have. Boundaries became blurry and our leaders were disappointed though they never said so but gently rebuked us and kept persuading us to do the right thing. It came to a point though that I felt he was the only one really standing by me, accepting me fully and not criticising or correcting or trying to change me. But because of the strain and distance between us from having to not stumble very young believers and to give ourselves room to grow individually before it was time to pursue anything further, I felt even more alone.
One day I finally lost the plot and broke down in church after snapping very loudly at someone who kept asking if I was "OK". I'm so thankful that God picked me off the floor when He did. I was worried I would never really recover. I felt so lost and trapped within myself. I couldn't end my life as I did not want to face hell and I had kept telling myself that it was all very illogical anyway. Nothing was really all that wrong. I probably just brought it all upon myself or was just seriously deluded. There was no real reason to be so down, to have no strength left in me. But why was I still crying? Why were the words in the Bible not making an inch of sense or penetrating the depths of my weary soul? Why was the advice of others making me so angry? God came to my rescue. It may sound so dramatic to anyone else but at that time I couldn't make head or tail of what I was going through. I could reason things out with my head but the rest of me was not following. I chastised myself, made myself spend more time listening to praise songs, reading the Bible, praying to God. But as I felt worse and worse each waking moment, my hope went down the drain and my will to keep on hid itself from me.
Over the years, I've still battled greatly in my mind. My relationship with God has never fully returned to what it used to be when I was growing steadily in my walk with Him before the year depression hit like a ton of bricks (maybe some form of wake up call). I've forgotten how to enter that secret place but God has been calling me to draw near. He has not forsaken me but keeps encouraging and beckoning. I need Him. I really do need Him. Since getting married, I have faced new fears and some old ones have increased with the news of daily occurrences around the world. Again I find myself losing grip. Losing focus. Losing faith. My past posts would show a glimpse of this week's frenzy. I broke down in prayer meeting yesterday morning and again when sharing with Belle. She's such a great listener and speaks words of life into you each and every time. Though she has been through so much, she has overcome and found God's faithfulness and goodness to be true. He has moulded her character and taught her utter dependence on Him for her own benefit. I know I always try to control my own life and what goes on around me. But God is the only one who is truly sovereign. Control needs to be given to Him so He can bring about the best for us.
Now as i sit here consolidating my thoughts and reflecting, I see that the devil has been toying with me this whole time and I have let him. I have let him rob me of joy, peace and purpose. I have allowed him to render me totally useless as I fall into a heap weeping. But it's time to pull together and charge ahead, not pull back and retire. There is no time to be lost on depressive thoughts, on distractions. Satan will tempt us with the "permissible". A little time here in front of the TV, a little time there taking a nap, busyness in our minds here over the laundry and house cleaning, busyness there over work and children (if you have any). All the while, we lose sight of what our priorities should be. We forget that God has deposited much into our hearts, minds, spirits and lives to impart. To share with our children, to share with our friends and family. To proclaim in the blog world :)
The harvest is ready. But the workers are few. We need to focus on what is "beneficial" not just "permissible". We cannot afford to entertain distractions, discouragement and deception. We need to meditate on the truth. When I was going through those months of being really down, I must have done everything out of some form of routine. Perhaps God needed me to grow increasingly desperate in my pursuit of Him so that I would not live a life of mediocrity. I have lagged these past few years. I have let the important things fall to the wayside. I have neglected my "first love". It's time to get back on track. Thank you for staying with me on this journey. Thank you for encouraging me. God has blessed me with such beautiful new friends all the way over in America. Special thanks to Ashley, Lisa, Darlene, Debra and Marie. Special thanks to Charis, Belle and Tom as well for your encouraging little notes. We need quality friendships. To stay by one another as we fight this fight together, run this race together, shine for Christ together...good friends lovingly speak into our lives, and "It is far better to have the rebuke of a true friend than the kiss of an enemy". Thank you to my wonderful husband. Darling, I love you. Most of all, thank you God. I want You to be my reason for living because I wouldn't be here if You had not thought me up because You wanted me here. Because You adore me as Your beloved child, the same way You do every single person on this earth.
