i ♥

[Argentinian brand 'Little U' - kids' bags]

[Source]

Living adventurously

Photo by Alexa Ong (Source page: Cross Your Fingers)

This is a classic example of the "one day" syndrome, as in "one day I'll go to or do or see..." The irony is that many of these statements do not involve goals that are of significant proportions by any means, and yet the days pass and the years go and I am still dreaming of that "one day". I epitomise the phrase "creature of habit" in the way I tend to frequent the same areas, order the same food and travel by the same route to familiar places. I do enjoy browsing ideas via Pinterest and blogs, and keep a special place in my mind where child-like fantasies get to live, but I rarely allow my thinking to be broadened further or apply myself to designing and completing projects. While there may be nothing wrong with this, I am missing out on so much more that is on offer. 

Now that I am going to be a mum, my desire is to inspire Phoebe to cultivate a sense of awe and wonder. I want to en-courage her (i.e. enable her to have the courage) to be an explorer, to see the world through eyes of inquisition and creativity. I hope she will never resign to the mundane and not take notice of what is happening around her and in this world. I don't want to hamper her unique way of discovering, perceiving and analysing. Learning should not be stifled and confined to stuffy classrooms with limited teaching systems. I really like the idea of hackschooling, which can be used to complement traditional education since we will most likely not opt for homeschooling unless God directs us otherwise later down the track.

My aim is to provide Phoebe with the opportunities and tools to take in, appreciate, process, innovate and create. We each have it in us to bring something new into existence. God is the ultimate creator and we have been made in His likeness. Creating is meant to be fun, I believe, and I can do my part to let Phoebe play around with different art forms and mediums, musical instruments, experiments, and methods of expression. It would mean taking the time to research age appropriate ideas and tailor activities for her.

In hindsight I wish I was brought up through a more hands-on approach by my parents, but they did what they knew to be best and I am grateful for all they have provided over the years. At least I have happy memories of my Pa and I building a lego house, making a bumboat for my school assignment, forming structures with a science related toy set and playing carom. Admittedly though, there is a slight envy towards the family Alexa Ong featured in her review of the Rubbish Famzine exhibition titled Google Translating Tokyoto (pictured above). The display showcases works by each member of the family of four who call their artistic collective Holycrap.sg (crap being an acronym of their names - mum Claire, son Renn, daughter Aira and dad Pann).

I think I need to rediscover my hometown as a step towards developing a lifestyle of exploration and a fearlessness towards enjoying what life has to give. Something tells me part of my unintended inertia is based on a resistance towards change and an irrational guilt of having pleasure. Yet there is a longing for more than what I have experienced in my soon-to-be thirty four years. My pursuits need not be costly, and if we are going to be spending on a meal out anyway or simply have spare time on a weekend, why not visit a place we have not been to before?

This reminds me of the movie Eat, Pray, Love. When Julia Robert's character finally takes the plunge to travel for a year to heal and awaken her inner self, she is introduced to a man whose last name is Spaghetti and this pasta adoring Italian gives her a nugget of wisdom as he sits upon a barber's chair. In my own words, he tells her, "You Americans do not know how to enjoy yourselves. You do not need to teach an Italian about taking a break to properly rest, or about freely receiving pleasure in life." 

Spaghetti's words echo the sentiment in Film Director Sofia Coppola's statement,"...the way the French hold themselves is different. In America, we’re all in such a rush. Here, they have lifestyle priorities. For instance, the French crew insisted on a proper lunch break. They set the table, and they had wine, and no matter what was happening, you could not cut their lunch short. In America, it would be a quick sandwich and back to work. Here, everyone takes their time.” I read this and wonder how many Asians really know how to slow down to count our blessings, appreciate the little things and focus on what matters more, like relationships. More of us need to practice stopping and smelling the roses.

Julia's journey in the movie prompts me to reflect on the Bible passage where Jesus says He came to bring life abundant, unlike Satan who seeks to steal, kill and destroy. God has given us nature to marvel at in all its splendour, taste buds and culinary expertise (whether ours or another's) to take food beyond the level of a means to survive, intellect and skill to construct glorious buildings like the Colosseum or the eyes to appreciate such feats. Pleasure is often associated with vice and shame but His version is pure and truly satisfies. 

Still, some of us pull back for fear we overstep the line. Yes we should exercise moderation in certain circumstances (such as not overindulging in food and becoming unhealthy), but we should not use the facade of moderation to disguise fear and guilt if those are in fact the very factors holding us back from experiencing life to the full as God intends. Approaching life with the perspective that we are allowed to feel pleasure through the good things can embark us on a similar journey as in the movie, where in searching for God and openly taking in what is around us, we end up discovering our real selves and are therefore made more whole and secure.

Some years ago, I put together a list of cafes to visit when back in Singapore. Although I have been home several times since then, I have not checked off a single venue. Fab and I have also not been on any of the eight dates we set aside in a jam jar as something new and fun to do at the start of 2012; neither have we accomplished the goals we recorded, possibly in the same year or earlier. It is time to make a fresh list and challenge myself to not leave things to "one day" so I can be a more fulfilled me and an example for Phoebe. 

[Listening to The Moon Song by Karen O]

Who makes our home?

It is always enjoyable to catch up with Rachelle and I often wish we had more opportunities to do so. She stayed over on Saturday and we chatted until one in the morning after getting comfortable on a sofa following dinner. Our 'deep and meaningful' session continued for a few more hours as we sat down for brunch the next day and spoke about her recent trip to the States, ministry and personal struggles. While reflecting on what she shared about the home of a lady she met at Bethel Church, I formed the thoughts for this post. 

When Rachelle entered the lady's home, she felt a comforting sense of peace and made mention of this as she commented on the beautiful interior decor. The lady's response, in my paraphrased version, was "You know how Satan takes things that God created for good to make it a snare for people? Well, while the world may practice feng shui to bring in luck and prosperity, we can look at ways to move things around so the spiritual atmosphere shifts and God's wonderful presence is ushered in." This statement got me pondering about the choices we have made regarding our home.

Until today, we have yet to include God in our decision-making process with regards to the presentation of our home. Fab and I have been purchasing items we like and find functional to fill the spaces of our new home, but we are by no means experts at interior decorating. It's quite ironic actually given I do have strong preferences, most of which Fab is entirely agreeable with. However, when it comes to execution, we're not very effective. It would have made more sense to sit down over a lunch date to explore various styles and pick one or a blend of to apply with commitment. We know it will take time to transform each space into one that is truly loved, given there are existing elements we do not fully appreciate but have accepted for want of finances and time. Nevertheless, the lack of a guiding overarching theme is probably not helping.

Whenever we visit Andy and Katie's home, I feel I've entered a homely resort. Their place is a colourful medley of gorgeous furniture and decorative pieces collected over time and from different countries. I marvel at how everything comes together in perfect harmony, and draws you in to stay longer each time. I always leave secretly wishing for Katie's keen eye for detail and superb sense of style. There is so much to look at and discover but their home is not cluttered. It is comfortable and wonderful, a real treat when accompanied by the most delicious home-made meals and warm friendship. 

One difference I can think of to their approach is that Andy and Katie also make the time to source for raw materials with potential, and construct beautiful bookshelves, display stands, photo frames and other lovely items. I, on the other hand, am too lazy to put action to any creative ideas I come across. The problem with this is I seldom find it worthwhile to pay for what I really want at homeware stores, so we tend to end up with a mish-mash of things that do not necessarily create the look we hope for. It's all very silly really. 

Anyway, back to the point on ushering in God's presence. I have begun to wonder whether our home looks and feels rather dull because we have not allowed God to direct our choices in terms of what we purchase and how we arrange everything within each room. Even though there are spaces to fill to make the place cosier, I believe our home could still provide a breath of fresh air to whomever we invite in. I want friends and family to tangibly feel God's peace when they enter. 

I know this will be in part attributed to the way we speak and act as well, as we could have the most aesthetically captivating home but fail to make our guests feel welcome and loved. It is also absolutely crucial that we let God reside at the centre of our lives and in our home as we cannot expect Him to be present if we spend our days neglecting our relationship with Him. In saying this, I am going to ensure we make it a habit to read God's Word to Phoebe every day, and fill our home with worship unto Him. In preparation, we bought a children's bible last weekend. 

Up to this point, I have been focused on having a visually pleasing home instead of prioritising what is more important - whether we have invited God in and made Him want to stay for as long as we reside here. Prior to moving in, my parents and Fab prayed a prayer of cleansing over each corner of the house. I didn't join them as I was still very ill. Although we took that first crucial step, it has occurred to me that we need to continually pray over our home in the same way we do for other aspects of our lives, particularly in this season where we are still bringing in new elements into the house. I desire for God's presence to fill every nook and cranny of this place, and for our lives to be a testament to others of His goodness, love and grace. 

I will have to put more thought into what I choose to invest in from now on, as it's not just about paying for pieces that will tie well together and look good, but about creating a home where we and others can feel relaxed in, inspired, and above all, closer to our Father God. 

Side note: Grilled Vietnamese pork chops for dinner tonight; the lingering smell of marinade on my hands is making my mouth water already! 

Phoebe's Nursery

Society6 now has wall clocks - enjoyed free shipping

Purchased from "Catch of the Day"

Purchased from IKEA

The nesting and resting phase has begun in anticipation of Phoebe's arrival. To allow for a play with different ideas over time, I've kept the setting in her room a light neutral tone. We were initially planning to give our new home a fresh coat of paint before moving in, but the condition of my health at that stage of the pregnancy didn't allow it and we figured the existing walls were in a sufficient state. This has left the bedrooms with cream walls and we purchased a matching set of block-out curtains. Phoebe's white cot is a simple design as we didn't fancy the sleigh versions that seem to be in trend. Sure we came across some pretty cool looking options but the price tags were not compliant with our budget. 

In planning for what we needed, Fab and I visited a number of baby stores and I trawled through websites for good deals. After reviewing the various package options, I realised purchasing pieces we actually liked, and found necessary, separately was the way to go. Given my stature, most change tables were too tall anyway and so were some of the chest of drawers. I eventually chose the sturdy IKEA set pictured above as it is the perfect height to secure a change mat on and it's got a clean, modern look. Size-wise, this unit is perfect for housing clothes, towels, bibs, blankets, wraps, swaddles, nappies and more. I've already stored all those items and there are still empty drawers to house the stock of chemical-free baby wipes I ordered online and a few other necessities.

I'm looking forward to having the IKEA shelving we bought on Saturday put up. Fab will get to it when he has the time and has obtained a stud finder. Side note: The sweet boy has been doing so much for our home from changing the flooring of four bedrooms (it is hard work!) to assembling a crazy amount of furniture. There's going to be a simple white plank above the chest of drawers, held up by three curved brackets. This is where I will display small photo frames, selected little toys and whatever else fits the mood. On an adjacent wall, Fab will attach three shorter picture ledges so I can feature story books on rotation for Phoebe to pick from when she is old enough to read or at least select what she would like for us to read out to her. 

As the cot will be along the same wall as the picture ledges and the other two walls are taken up by a built-in wardrobe and large window respectively, the trick will be finding a home for the bear decal. There won't be enough room on the wall with the chest of drawers as the door eliminates any extra space. Perhaps he can live beneath the window if he doesn't fit under the picture ledges. There is, I suppose, the option of letting him reside on one of the sliding cupboard doors if all else fails. I'm just happy I found him a friend (the Society6 clock shown above). I was hoping for silly, fat circus bears riding bicycles or juggling and wearing hats, but did not come across what I had in mind. These two tubby grizzlies are nevertheless going to be loved.

I was rather sad about missing out on 60% off a knitted, mustard yellow IDC gumball pouf several weeks ago. However, after reconsideration, it would have been too much of an expense still. Perhaps we'll come across a suitable bean bag or comfy little chair for her in the future since one will not be required for a while. It's exciting to think of Phoebe's room coming together and to explore possibilities for when she's older. 

In the lead-up to Valentines

Thanks to my sister-in-law, Miin, I now have another good blog to follow: Scissortail SILK. The author's most recent post is about praying for her husband's heart as the Lord prompted her in light of Valentine's Day approaching. Her prayer reminds me of one I included a few years back when writing on being married for 2.5 years. 

It was good to be reminded as I had long tucked that prayer away and not been as thorough in my requests before God for Fab. Interceding from 'top to toe' helps me cover the essentials according to God's perspective and not ask for "soulish" things (what I want or deem necessary). 

Praying for Fab cements how important he is in my life, and how blessed I am to have him as my best friend, life-long companion and soon to be partner-in-crime as we navigate the world of parenting.

Tuesday 11 February 2014 Update: I happened to visit the Girlfriends in God website and lo and behold their post for today (they're still on Monday the 10th in the States) is about praying for our husbands from head to toe! This is an extended version, covering more areas than the one I found years back on the same website. I guess this prayer really is apt for the season.

I've also found this poster by Jennifer Flanders - she has one for wives and one for children as well.

Not long now...

You posed for us at our Week 34 scan

Dear Phoebe,

You're due in exactly a month, but we know from various sources that you could make an entrance at another time entirely. Grandma (my mother) says girls are always late, that they keep you waiting from Day One. As much as she's convinced that's a fact of life, I am sincerely praying you will surprise us and arrive in Week 38 or 39. I certainly have no intentions of you emerging into the world until you are full term and perfectly formed. Your health is of utmost importance. I am just keen for the growing pains and nausea to end. Please know these side effects are of no fault of yours. They're simply part and parcel of some pregnancies. On a separate note, there's no denying Papa and I want to meet and hold you as soon as possible! 

I carried a friend's 3-month old baby girl at Church yesterday and it struck me how I shall soon have a bundle of joy to lavish love upon. OUR (Papa's and mine) very own bundle of joy to bring home, nurture and treasure. In some ways, this truth is still rather surreal as I have never quite been able to imagine myself as a mother. It's amazing how far God has brought me. Somehow my head only computed what life would look like up until my mid twenties. I didn't have to worry though as God takes care of every detail. He gave me the best gift when He brought Papa into my world and unfolded the love story He had written for us. Marriage turned out to be an incredibly natural progression and once Papa became my permanent roommate, I wondered how I could ever be without him. God also made the transition into working life a total breeze, dispersing many of my fears of growing up. 

One area I did struggle strongly with, however, was the notion of offspring. For a number of personal reasons, stemming from the medical to the psychological and emotional, I resisted this idea greatly and became upset whenever someone asked about when I would start trying for a baby. It was such a sore point that I had to give it to God. It took me a couple of years to overcome certain negative thoughts and to heal, but I eventually began to develop a desire for children. The journey towards conceiving you was not easy for me though, and it slowly took a toll on Papa because of how I responded to the circumstances. In hindsight, I believe God was just using the time to prepare us and to strengthen our relationship. 

When a desire is not met, disappointment and discouragement can set in pretty quickly, as I found out. But God knew He had to let me confront what was really going on in my mind and heart. Why did I want a baby? Was it so I could feel accepted and get people off my back? Was I feeling the pressure of my age and trying to please Papa and our parents? I vacillated between the pull of patching my broken self esteem and a genuine wish for our own little person. Then there were the fears of not being a good mum, of not bonding with my child and failing them in some horrible way. My thoughts were a mess and I had to face my selfishness. 

In typical immature-Mama fashion, I attempted to avoid the whole situation by turning my attention to other areas of life. Each time Papa brought up the topic of making more of an effort towards becoming parents, I got cranky and voiced a myriad of questions and what I felt were justifications for my actions. Soon Grandma's eagerness to have a grandchild got the better of her and she started telling me to get serious and gave some advice. Needless to say, I was not ready to receive her input but interestingly, it was then I discovered she too had the same physical challenge, which made falling pregnant difficult for her as well. 

As time passed, an edginess grew so I booked Papa and I in to see a fertility specialist. This was after we took the route of consulting two traditional Chinese medicine doctors and consuming awful tasting herbs that made me ill (Naughty Papa barely drank his batch of the gross-smelling stuff). Dr Flynn is a lovely man with terrific bedside manners, so although I had always cringed at the thought of having a male gynaecologist and obstetrician, there was no discomfort or embarrassment with him. The nurses at his practice and the Queensland Fertility Clinic were all lovely too, which I thank God for. 

Dr Flynn's diagnosis was fairly grim as Papa and I learnt we only had a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, given our test results and what we had already tried (such as different ovulation kits). Nevertheless, the friendly doctor delivered the news well and said he was not overly concerned as our age did not bear a huge hindrance. What we appreciated was he laid out our options in a positive manner and did not push us into any decision.

Papa and I finally decided to start with processes that were less involved and costly. I went for an unpleasant procedure and then commenced a round of medication. Despite being fearful of the procedure (poor Grandma collapsed from being allergic to the dye used), God stayed beside me as I silently cried out for His help. He blessed me with a kind and gentle old nurse who held my hand when the pain set in and cared for me after it was over as I was very faint. I left the hospital soon after and took little time to recover. 

The medication gave me migraines and insomnia but the side effects only lasted a week. I didn't mind the blood tests or even the injection into my belly (the fat helped me not to feel anything). As I had already gone through the first procedure, I was not afraid of the second. This one was carried out by Dr Flynn who performed it very quickly so I felt minimal discomfort. What followed was me applying a medicinal aid internally every morning and night until it was time to find out if Papa and I were successful in making a baby. Sadly, it was not to be but God encouraged me that night during worship at our life group. 

Aunty Kay (my cousin) then spoke with Papa and I about detoxing our home. She explained that most of the chemicals in products we use regularly (like our shampoo, shower gel, toothpaste, laundry powder and dishwashing liquid) build up toxins in our bodies over time and promote infertility. She even went on to say that tap water and soy milk contain elements that can prevent women from conceiving as well. With this information in hand, Papa and I made some major changes. 

Firstly, we bought a ceramic dispenser (with special beads) that alkalises the water we place inside. Then we began tossing out toiletries and other products with harmful contents, replacing them with ones that Aunty Kay recommended. Although this felt like a financial burden, given the new items are expensive, we concluded it was time to treat our bodies better. I told Papa that extra spent now means less forked out later for medical bills, plus a healthier life equates to one with greater quality. Papa and I are sticking to these changes as we want to create a safe home environment for you and to give the best start we can provide in terms of your well-being. Grandma thinks we're being excessive as she does not yet understand the significance and value of what we're doing. It took Papa and I some time to adjust as well because we too grew up using commercial brands and were never educated about the dangers. 

The best reward for our lifestyle changes was in finding out we were expecting you. After three and a half years of struggling, God blessed us. He granted my pleas to not go through IVF (the more involved and costly fertility treatment that increases a couple's chances but does not guarantee a baby), and was kind to not prolong our waiting. Many relatives and friends had been interceding on our behalf so they too were thrilled to hear the wonderful news. 

God showed us that everything is indeed under His sovereignty. I did ask whether we were trying to take His role when we explored other means of falling pregnant, but I also felt I needed to do what I could instead of just ignoring the matter. I left it to God to let us know if He wanted to give us a child through other means, like assisted pregnancy treatments or adoption even, but Papa and I also made our heart desire clear in our prayers. I am so grateful for God's huge blessing in light of how much I questioned, complained, cried and yelled over the years that preceded. You are our precious miracle baby! 

Papa and I have been praying for you and declaring good things over your life but we're not the only ones. Grandma is one of the most dedicated intercessors I know. She has covered my sister (we'll have to find out what you're meant to call her in Mandarin) and I in prayer since we were in her womb, interceding for every area and stage of life. Grandma has given me a list of statements to proclaim over you as God told her each one in a dream when she and Grandpa (my father) stayed with us over the recent Christmas and New Year period. I hope you never doubt how deeply you are loved and blessed. 

The first family members you will meet apart from Papa and I are Nai Nai and Ye Ye (Papa's mother and father respectively). They can't wait to meet you and will be here to help during my confinement. This is simply a one-month period where a mum who has just given birth stays home to recover and bond with her new baby. It's advisable that the little one not leave the house during this time either as their immune system is still underdeveloped and they need plenty of time to adapt to unfamiliar places. 

Your enthusiastic Aunty (my sister) and grandparents (Grandma and Grandpa) will visit late March along with your uncle and cousins (my sister's husband and sons). Joel, who is the younger of your two male cousins, picked out a cute pink hoodie jacket from Baby Gap for you, and your Aunty has bought a number of pretty outfits for you to play dress up in. Everyone is looking forward to the day of your arrival with great excitement. Grandma reckons you have my nose. I hope you have eyes as pretty as Papa's. Whatever it is, you are beautiful because God made you. Our prayer is that you will have a godly character and easy-going personality, and that you will be loving, generous, sweet-spirited and wise. 

Love, Mama