forrest gump

Do you remember how Forrest would say that life, according to his mum, is like a box of chocolates? Well, I asked someone to pray for me on Sunday, mumbling briefly that it was about my job but not saying why or much else. Without missing a beat, the person said, "Hmm...interesting...I see an image of a box of chocolates (we're talking about the assorted kind here) and believe that God is saying that sometimes you may pick a chocolate that has a sour centre, or one that is really sweet...or...the same is with life as you do not know what the next day will hold but God has good surprises in store for you. Trust Him with your life, with your situations and let Him surprise you along the way..." I instantaneously thought, "What? Forrest Gump's theology?" and then realised how apt the picture and words were, and I knew that the person praying did not have Forrest on his mind! It possibly was the shortest prayer I have ever received but what needed to be said was said and now the ball is in my court. Do I trust? Do I cross the bridge with God or cower in fear or live life as if He had nothing to do with it and did not love me and have the best plans in mind for me?

emotions central

Sheesh...what's wrong with me lately...my emotions have been playing up; negatively.

The Armor of God
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes" Ephesians 6: 10-11

I'm having to hold back, to stop and think before speaking and acting as I would otherwise probably say or do something out of emotions and not really mean it. Sometimes I find it really hard to distinguish between something that is real, something I really think or feel or whatever, as opposed to something that occurs at the spur of a moment.

I'm moody, irritable, sometimes sad...and no, it isn't associated with that time of the month unless the term "pre" has evolved to become "perpetual"...eek *shivers of disgust*

Need to put on the full armour of God to protect myself - the Belt of Truth, the Breastplate of Righteousness, the Boots of Peace ready to preach the Gospel, the Helmet of Salvation, Shield of Faith and Sword of the Spirit; of the Word

Oh God please tame my emotions so I may be of use!

fly

There's a fat fly in my room that I can't get rid of. I'm still dreaming about weddings (talk about totally different trains of thought!)...have I told you about the time I suddenly started obsessing over getting married? It hit me that I was passing the age I had planned as perfect for this next big step and so I panicked and my biological clock did a somersault, leaving me disillusional, half way between fantasy land and antsy anxiety.

There are times I still picture what it would be like to be proposed to, to walk down the aisle. But then I can't work out the rest of it in my head and I know I'm not ready. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. There are so many areas I need to settle and grow in first. I have to admit the age thing still gets me sometimes especially as I see my peers tying the knot. When I learnt that one set of friends had just gotten engaged, I was elated but then the day it got announced, a great big lump welled up in my throat and I fought hard to keep the tears back. They're ready and I'm really glad for them.

It's just odd though how my emotions would play up on me out of the blue...it somewhat shocked me when I would think about how others were moving into this new chapter and I wasn't and I'd get frustrated with myself, with my partner and even start sobbing from the great big ache in my heart as if there was a deep loneliness or emptiness within. Once in a blue moon (or thereabouts) now something triggers this sadness but then God reminds me that I belong to Him, that I'm whole in Him and that He is my everlasting companion so I've not been bawling my guts out anymore.

Gluttony

So here I am munching away on dipping bread past 11pm despite having eaten a large portion of fish and chips for dinner plus a decent-sized chocolate tart with smashed raspberries and vanilla ice cream for dessert. 

Right, well, that was not what I was intending to write about. This blog of mine is not turning out to be very entertaining...not funny, witty...I'll work on that. Hopefully it's meaningful at least to you. It sure is to me, serving as a place of reminders.

The daily Bible verses (from a website I follow) have been speaking to me, like God's warnings on over-drive. Now I'm starting to think that if I don't respond soon, God won't have a choice but to fling a brick at me. Usually that entails me banging my car. God is really smart; He knew the whole driving thing would be a good way to get my attention, to incorporate many handy life teachings. Great, now I need to recall what they all are exactly.

Anyway, for now, it's all about HOLINESS, applying the Word and working out my salvation to have experiential faith that will carry me through life's ups and downs to the reward God has so graciously and generously prepared for me. And being chosen, given a purpose - an election and calling I need to be sure of and pursue. There's also much talk on love and not getting involved in gossip, slander, malice, idolatry - things I need to be aware of and action

Aicarumbah! The lady on tonight's medical show had a long scissors in her body that had moved down towards her abdomen and cut through her bowel area...whoa, praise God for preserving her life all these years though she started to suffer a great deal of pain over a period of a couple of years before they finally x-rayed her because she demanded it. Anyway, now having had surgery, she is slowly recovering but the poor thing is in some shock and went through times of depression from the whole ordeal. Nevertheless I believe God gave her back her life to live.

Ok, major side track there...hmmm now mind is drifting off to sleep.

Maybe I'll end this one here.

Mental note to self: Tie in all the verses together, get the big picture and do something about it!

Tomorrow we shall digress to another topic, I think.

Fruit

Galatians 5: 22 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law"

How did my attitude turn this bad? I've allowed myself once again to be tardy with my control over my thought patterns. Today my heart was rotten...though I have been aware of what God has been reminding me about in His word (Each daily verse has been targeted right at me), I have not been consciously and actively putting them into practice and have often even blatantly defied them. I really need to work on this whole 'putting on (and not as in faking but beginning to apply into one's daily life as opposed to reacting out of selfish ambition) love, humilty, compassion, gentleness, goodness...' instead of expecting to be accepted, recognised, praised, loved. How liberating it can be to reach the point where you can give entirely freely and voluntarily out of a heart that truly cares.

How did I let my perspective towards my job become this bad? The job is not bad but I have been making too many negative confessions about it; about people more so...I feel trapped in my job even though it is a great place to work. It really is the battlefield of the mind. Speaking of which, I read that book by Joyce Meyer. Now I just have to act on it - the operative words here being "act on it". I've let jealousy sink in too. That and insecurity. These are the areas I need to surrender to God. People have been telling me to move on and apply for something else...I've obviously been whinging too much because of my frustration but the thing is the job has really been God-sent and I am and will always be grateful for it. Part of me really does think God intends for me to persevere in it.

trust

At the start of this year, one of the things God spoke to me about through someone who prayed for me was that He will allow me to go through situations that will test my faith...situations that will show me how much I will choose to trust that God loves me unconditionally and without measure and knows and wants what is best for me and is willing to bring it about. Though these situations will not burn me, there may be times I may feel hurt yet God is there to protect, comfort and lead if I will lean on Him.

Verses for today:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" and "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures and leads me beside quiet waters...Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil..."

Lately I have really lost motivation and drive towards my work and there have been a couple of times I have envied that my colleague is such a favourite and has now moved on to a higher level position within the faculty. How I have been longing to move on and yet the door has not been opened (I have not found any suitable position to move into and as she has only just left, I need to be there until the new girl starts and be there to train her). Don't get me wrong, this is a God-given job and maybe one day I will share why. I just want the freedom of moving around and not being cooped in the reception office. I want to try something different as I have been in this routine job for 2 years. It's a meaningful job if you look at the opportunity it gives me to meet students and help them and that. But...my heart is restless

This is not something I have really shared much with anyone but God certainly knows my heart as I have been saying to Him that I want to get out...that I know my attitude is not right...and well, there is the issue of me not living as a Christian in front of my colleagues as I have, in my great want to be accepted and part of the group, joined in when they have spoken about others. I have not shared my faith openly or encouraged anyone to want to know Christ for themselves. I have kept to myself in this regard and not been a witness; salt and light. So I don't want to leave this place until I have made a positive impact that would actually please God as I am now trying to please people, which will get me no where.

Then today, after the Sunday service, as I was walking towards my unit leader to ask him to pray for me in my job situation, I got sidetracked when someone came up to me and started talking about other things. Lo and behold, someone from church then approached me, smiled and asked, "Are you alright? God gave me a dream about you that I initially forgot of until I saw you this morning...In the dream I bumped into you at the elevator and you said you had changed or were wanting to change your job and you were upset over something..." She mentioned a few other things and basically approached me to confirm if this was true. She said, "Wow! God really loves you and knows your heart...He cares about you so much to give me this vision so I will pray for you..." Amazing, isn't it? I barely know this person! She's a really lovely girl though from what I have gathered from my encounters with her and just general observation...gentle, giving, patient...and she's actually bothering to honour God's prompting to pray with me over this!

She did mention that perhaps God may want me to stay in this position for a while...I have considered this...and I am so blessed as I have the most wonderful supervisor who is so good to me! We have become friends somewhat and well she is now trying to apply for my position to be re classified as people in my position at other faculties are all at a higher pay level. Our faculty is the only one that has kept the front office position at a HEW (pay level) 3 - entry level whereas all others are a 4 though we do the same thing (she reckons I do more from her experience of managing in other departments). To be honest, if you compare this to a job in Singapore where one's job is one's life, my workload is laughable like peanuts. Anyway, as my job description has changed over the time I have been there, where more responsibility and tasks have been added, she believes that she can prove, by comparison with what my predecesors had to do and what those in my position in other departments do, that there has been a change significant enough to move me up a level. It's a blessing just knowing someone would do this for me - it's not important if I get this or not for God will provide for my needs. I think that if I am meant to stay, it is for a greater purpose. If my pay changes while I'm at it, that's a super bonus!

A tree planted

"Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He is like a tree planted by the water that sends its roots out by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes, its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17: 8

I want to be such a person. I want to be one who is not swayed by external influences but will cling tightly to God in all circumstances. I want to be one who is strong and stable in my emotions. I want to be a beautiful, life giving cherry blossom tree! They may not bloom all year round but they sure have their moments to shine...moments people would travel the world to be a part of. I'm not saying I want to shine and take glory upon myself but be one who can be used by God - to have times where I am in the background quietly serving and supporting, and times where I am in the forefront, fighting fearlessly or really reaching out and touching the lives of others and blessing them richly so they too may turn to God and be saved.

Dreaming of another holiday

Would love to go to Fiji and just lay on the beach soaking in the sun, snokel, fish, collect large sea shells, island hop, take heaps of photos to blog with and remember the beatiful time by...been unwell this week and am now nursing a sore throat and head cold along with other umcomfortable ailments that are totally unrelated...had trouble getting sleep last night. I have to admit my job is heaven as compared to what many face in Singapore and countries with similar work environments and ethics such as Malaysia and highly strung Japan. Yet I am rather over it...as much as it is enjoyable helping others, I think I have had enough of the nature of my work and would love to move on. But first, another lot of travelling would be more than nice Ü

The many times i fail You

"Oh how many times have I broken Your heart, still You forgive, if only I'd ask"

I won't go into detail of how I have grieved God exactly but lately God has really been targeting the area of holiness in my life as I have truly been failing in loving others and in discarding idols that I have cherished in some way or another. Often we do not realise it but so many things we hold dear or simply dwell upon in our minds, even if we entertain the thoughts for a short time, are actually idols in our lives and can destroy us if we are not careful. This is something I did just last night and this morning's daily verse was on holiness. Thank You God for Your grace towards me!

It's been a struggle to love certain people in my work place and sometimes it's hard to love people within the house of God. Either way it can be due to personality clashes (although now I've learnt to adapt towards this more so it's not so much this) or because I have come to find it hard to respect particular things about them - their speech, actions/behaviour. The thing is, others could very well say that about me.

Patience, love and grace - three things God has never failed to show me...now I need to learn to show it to others. God, help! We are asked to pray that God will forgive us and help us forgive others as God will not forgive if we do not. And why shouldn't we if He, in His perfect holiness, is ever willing to do so. Yet I struggle...it's horrendously "amazing" how long I am able to harbour ill-feelings towards another person. The resentment and bitterness can be kept for years, slowly eating me from the inside. God has released me from unforgiveness several times and I can surely vouch that it is such a wonderful, peace and life-giving experience to let go of such negativity. So since I have gone through this, why do I still find it so hard to let go at times? How many times do I intend to 'nail' the perpetrator/offender to the cross? More often that not, what the person has done really isn't such a big deal but I have let it sink so deeply to hurt me.

My prayer is that God will guard our hearts and minds so all such bad influences (be it from things others have said or done, or us thinking negatively due to an experience or something we have seen, heard or read) slide off us like water on a duck's back.

What hurts?

Verse for the day: More than conquerors - Romans 8: 28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes"...funny that as I was just complaining to God about something He allowed to happen...what can I say now? It upsets me that He let it but then there are so many things I am not seeing, not understanding. And I cannot deny that He really has kept to this word of His with regards to my life and my family's and loved ones.

In the bridge of one song, it says, "You give and take away, You give and take away, My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name"...(and the chorus) "Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed me Your name, Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name"

I wonder what compelled the composer to write such lyrics but I have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with that verse; with experiencing God's sovereignty and love in every situation even when it goes beyond our capability to reason, to comprehend, to even imagine. Yes, even in times of losing someone so precious to us. Someone whom we fought hard or struggled so much over because of our desire to be with the person and finally could be with but then lost in a split second in a random or even cruel event.

I want to trust the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul and strength!! I don't want to fear impending pain...and besides it really may never come...

Word for Today

Do you believe in God? Do you believe He can speak to us through words of wisdom or knowledge, through impressions or visions and the like? I do. I should have recorded all the things God has shared to me here in the one place but now thinking back, that may take a long time plus I have forgotten some or at least forgotten the place I recorded these things.


Nevertheless, I shall start with what God impressed upon my heart during the worship time of care group tonight.


I saw a blurred picture of someone being robed, crowned and given a sceptre and I pondered over this...God then brought to mind the passage that says we are His royal priesthood. It's in 1 Peter 2: 9-10

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God. Once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy"

I believe God wanted to remind us that we belong to Him. What does it mean to belong to God and not the world, not to anyone or anything else? It means we live a life of great meaning, great purpose and we need not succumb to the ways and pressures of this world. We need not live a life of sin and strife but are called to rise up, overcome and accomplish wondrous things as God's children, closest friends, ambassadors!

Easier said than done but while things are going well, we can choose to take the opportunity to build on our knowledge and understanding of and relationship with God, to be able to trust Him when hard times strike. Though we cannot see it at the time, every struggle, every challenge, every pain has its potential of making us strong in character, which is what God desires but it takes us relying on Him, seeking Him for His perspective, direction, wisdom, timing and strength. God will not let us go through more than we can bear and I am truly thankful for this. And thankful that He really does work all things for the good of those who love and trust Him. Let us lean not on our own understanding but acknowledge Him in all our ways and He will make our paths straight.

And how God confirmed the call for us to live as a holy nation through the "Verse of the Day" that I found on my blog just as I signed in!