"The LORD will fulfill His purpose for me; Your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of Your hands" Psalm 138:8
Something within me wants to respond. (I'm at the Community Conference and it's the second night. Saturday, the 28th of June) I miss hearing what the altar call is for (having been in the ladies room after holding out during the teaching) but feel a longing to hear God speak to me through the prayer of another person.
Standing before the front row, I utter silently to God "Again Lord, I ask that the person who prays for me doesn't nudge me to enquire my request but simply lets You lead...I just want to hear You" *tap, tap* (I feel a hand on my shoulder and open my eyes) "Hi", she whispers, leaning my way, "Can I pray for you...do you have any specific prayer requests?" (An inviting yet slightly awkward smile rests upon her face as she looks at me) "Aiyah, God!" (I proclaim in my head) "Erm, actually, I didn't have a specific reason for stepping out of my seat and coming here...I just wanted to respond...yeah, no specific request...err...erm...yeah...heh...hmmm..." I fumble for words and end up rambling in a silly fashion. "Oh, ok...that's ok, I'll just pray for you..."
She prays quietly and after a couple of seconds I start to think she must be desperately seeking God for a word. I feel a little guilty. A few more seconds later and I'm apologising to God for having that thought as I'm underestimating her. She is willing to avail herself as a leader and I believe God is pleased with her soft heart towards Him and all He desires in her life...She'll hear Him. I sense God humbling me with the reminder that He speaks through anyone who walks in His ways, not just those I think are really mature in their faith and have mastered the art of being sensitive to His voice. Maybe I'm a little embarrassed that I'm seeking prayer but not being specific. Maybe I'm thinking I should be praying for others instead, as I'm a leader and it's in a way my responsibility...ok, not so much responsibility but that I really should be putting the needs of others before mine. I should be walking in His ways and hearing Him and building others up with His words as I allow Him to minister through me. I'm passively chastising myself. I fall silent. I wait. I listen. A little more quiet praying on her part and then she speaks directly to me.
God tells her that He's placing a heart for the community within me. She sees me as a peacemaker. As one who desires to reconcile people when conflicts arise. She says something along the lines of me seeing potential conflict or spotting when something is amiss before it blows up and wanting to bring peace to the situation. She prays for God to do His will and His work in me.
Mind you, she barely knows me. And this has never been a topic between God and me, or at least I don't recall us talking about it. So it was kind of fascinating to hear her say these things. I thank God for speaking through her and for her being a blessing by praying for me so sincerely.
I've not really seen myself this way, to be honest. But somehow it made sense when she described the picture she saw of me. As in, this is what I want to be, I don't want to be the person who brings dissension into the church, who sows discord by planting seeds of doubt in peoples' minds about one another, who whispers human judgement disguised in concerned prayers or sharing of another. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the person who pursues and creates unity. I want to be changed. I want to be made pure in thought, holy in deed. I am lacking. I need God. Lots.
It's Sunday and I respond again. This time, I have something to request. And yes, I get asked again.
Sitting in the teaching, God challenges me again to step out of my comfort zone. To break out of my stagnant lifestyle, the safe shell of a life I have created for myself. 9 years in this church and I have succeeded in remaining within this comfortable community, with the "perfectly justifiable reason" that I am committed to God's work within the boundaries of the church; i.e. I use my ministries as a cover up for not being overly involved in the who and what outside. It's allowed me to hide my growing fears from the people I know and commune with. Little do they realise I am escaping from the world, sinking further into the mindset that I can spend my life within the confines of this supportive family and it would be ok. I plead with God to have nothing change. It doesn't work that way. He wants me out in the world, reaching the very people I have come to judge, despise and shun like the plague out of fear and lack of understanding. I feel overwhelmed and want to remain in this familiar, secure environment.
God wants me to start small, do something a little different, but something easy. I tell Him it's hard. I raise my case again about all the horrors I see in society today and how frightened I am. "All I'm asking is that you buy a cake, step out of your house and knock on the next door". "Oh God, what if they reject me? what if they yank the cake out of my hands and slam the door in my face? what if they throw it back into my face? what if they hate me for the colour of my skin or persecute me when they discover my beliefs? what if..." "It's just a cake. You're just going to say hello and introduce yourself and explain you've just moved into the neighbourhood, that's it...that's all for the first step".
I try very hard to envision Fab and myself developing friendships with the neighbours, getting involved in community activities to promote neighbourhood safety like keeping watch over the kids as they cross the roads near our house after school, getting involved in picnics and things...who knows what they organise, I'm just going off things I see on TV. I struggle to picture this amidst fears of people hating me and breaking into the house and violating me, of random people walking around the neighbourhood drunk hurting others (part of the fence outside our estate was vandalised and destroyed not too long ago by some delinquents). I worry for Fab and I worry for us and I just worry. Always. "Just trust me!" God tugs. I respond to the altar call and ask to be prayed over for faith...to start something in my neighbourhood. To finally step out and get to know people outside of the church and my workplace (that wasn't scary at all! my colleagues turned out to be absolutely wonderful people! all thanks to God!)
She assures me that God wants to pour His love for people into my heart and that as I respond to Him, this love will overflow and take over the fear that now resides.
There is hope. I need to hold onto Him, draw closer to Him, gain deeper understanding and insight into His heart.
God, I thank You. Really.
For my family, for my friends, for the life I have had and completely get to enjoy at present still, for my church back home, for this church, for my job, my colleagues, for everything. You have provided, protected, delivered, shown grace and patience, forgiven, blessed. And blessed. And blessed.
Thank You. Truly. Thank You.
Something within me wants to respond. (I'm at the Community Conference and it's the second night. Saturday, the 28th of June) I miss hearing what the altar call is for (having been in the ladies room after holding out during the teaching) but feel a longing to hear God speak to me through the prayer of another person.
Standing before the front row, I utter silently to God "Again Lord, I ask that the person who prays for me doesn't nudge me to enquire my request but simply lets You lead...I just want to hear You" *tap, tap* (I feel a hand on my shoulder and open my eyes) "Hi", she whispers, leaning my way, "Can I pray for you...do you have any specific prayer requests?" (An inviting yet slightly awkward smile rests upon her face as she looks at me) "Aiyah, God!" (I proclaim in my head) "Erm, actually, I didn't have a specific reason for stepping out of my seat and coming here...I just wanted to respond...yeah, no specific request...err...erm...yeah...heh...hmmm..." I fumble for words and end up rambling in a silly fashion. "Oh, ok...that's ok, I'll just pray for you..."
She prays quietly and after a couple of seconds I start to think she must be desperately seeking God for a word. I feel a little guilty. A few more seconds later and I'm apologising to God for having that thought as I'm underestimating her. She is willing to avail herself as a leader and I believe God is pleased with her soft heart towards Him and all He desires in her life...She'll hear Him. I sense God humbling me with the reminder that He speaks through anyone who walks in His ways, not just those I think are really mature in their faith and have mastered the art of being sensitive to His voice. Maybe I'm a little embarrassed that I'm seeking prayer but not being specific. Maybe I'm thinking I should be praying for others instead, as I'm a leader and it's in a way my responsibility...ok, not so much responsibility but that I really should be putting the needs of others before mine. I should be walking in His ways and hearing Him and building others up with His words as I allow Him to minister through me. I'm passively chastising myself. I fall silent. I wait. I listen. A little more quiet praying on her part and then she speaks directly to me.
God tells her that He's placing a heart for the community within me. She sees me as a peacemaker. As one who desires to reconcile people when conflicts arise. She says something along the lines of me seeing potential conflict or spotting when something is amiss before it blows up and wanting to bring peace to the situation. She prays for God to do His will and His work in me.
Mind you, she barely knows me. And this has never been a topic between God and me, or at least I don't recall us talking about it. So it was kind of fascinating to hear her say these things. I thank God for speaking through her and for her being a blessing by praying for me so sincerely.
I've not really seen myself this way, to be honest. But somehow it made sense when she described the picture she saw of me. As in, this is what I want to be, I don't want to be the person who brings dissension into the church, who sows discord by planting seeds of doubt in peoples' minds about one another, who whispers human judgement disguised in concerned prayers or sharing of another. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the person who pursues and creates unity. I want to be changed. I want to be made pure in thought, holy in deed. I am lacking. I need God. Lots.
It's Sunday and I respond again. This time, I have something to request. And yes, I get asked again.
Sitting in the teaching, God challenges me again to step out of my comfort zone. To break out of my stagnant lifestyle, the safe shell of a life I have created for myself. 9 years in this church and I have succeeded in remaining within this comfortable community, with the "perfectly justifiable reason" that I am committed to God's work within the boundaries of the church; i.e. I use my ministries as a cover up for not being overly involved in the who and what outside. It's allowed me to hide my growing fears from the people I know and commune with. Little do they realise I am escaping from the world, sinking further into the mindset that I can spend my life within the confines of this supportive family and it would be ok. I plead with God to have nothing change. It doesn't work that way. He wants me out in the world, reaching the very people I have come to judge, despise and shun like the plague out of fear and lack of understanding. I feel overwhelmed and want to remain in this familiar, secure environment.
God wants me to start small, do something a little different, but something easy. I tell Him it's hard. I raise my case again about all the horrors I see in society today and how frightened I am. "All I'm asking is that you buy a cake, step out of your house and knock on the next door". "Oh God, what if they reject me? what if they yank the cake out of my hands and slam the door in my face? what if they throw it back into my face? what if they hate me for the colour of my skin or persecute me when they discover my beliefs? what if..." "It's just a cake. You're just going to say hello and introduce yourself and explain you've just moved into the neighbourhood, that's it...that's all for the first step".
I try very hard to envision Fab and myself developing friendships with the neighbours, getting involved in community activities to promote neighbourhood safety like keeping watch over the kids as they cross the roads near our house after school, getting involved in picnics and things...who knows what they organise, I'm just going off things I see on TV. I struggle to picture this amidst fears of people hating me and breaking into the house and violating me, of random people walking around the neighbourhood drunk hurting others (part of the fence outside our estate was vandalised and destroyed not too long ago by some delinquents). I worry for Fab and I worry for us and I just worry. Always. "Just trust me!" God tugs. I respond to the altar call and ask to be prayed over for faith...to start something in my neighbourhood. To finally step out and get to know people outside of the church and my workplace (that wasn't scary at all! my colleagues turned out to be absolutely wonderful people! all thanks to God!)
She assures me that God wants to pour His love for people into my heart and that as I respond to Him, this love will overflow and take over the fear that now resides.
There is hope. I need to hold onto Him, draw closer to Him, gain deeper understanding and insight into His heart.
God, I thank You. Really.
For my family, for my friends, for the life I have had and completely get to enjoy at present still, for my church back home, for this church, for my job, my colleagues, for everything. You have provided, protected, delivered, shown grace and patience, forgiven, blessed. And blessed. And blessed.
Thank You. Truly. Thank You.
