God's Response

I wrote this post yesterday - It is difficult. I believe God is answering me with the following passage by Oswald Chambers. The answer is not entirely clear in relation to all my questions, but I think therein lies the invitation to seek further. To contemplate what He is saying here, and to begin to apply it so I may discover its greater truth.

Do You See Jesus in Your Clouds?

"Behold, He is coming with clouds . . . " Revelation 1: 7

In the Bible clouds are always associated with God. Clouds are the sorrows, sufferings, or providential circumstances, within or without our personal lives, which actually seem to contradict the sovereignty of God. Yet it is through these very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith. If there were never any clouds in our lives, we would have no faith. “The clouds are the dust of His feet” ( Nahum 1: 3 ). They are a sign that God is there. What a revelation it is to know that sorrow, bereavement, and suffering are actually the clouds that come along with God! God cannot come near us without clouds— He does not come in clear-shining brightness.

It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials. Through every cloud He brings our way, He wants us to unlearn something. His purpose in using the cloud is to simplify our beliefs until our relationship with Him is exactly like that of a child— a relationship simply between God and our own souls, and where other people are but shadows. Until other people become shadows to us, clouds and darkness will be ours every once in a while. Is our relationship with God becoming more simple than it has ever been?

There is a connection between the strange providential circumstances allowed by God and what we know of Him, and we have to learn to interpret the mysteries of life in the light of our knowledge of God. Until we can come face to face with the deepest, darkest fact of life without damaging our view of God’s character, we do not yet know Him.

“. . . they were fearful as they entered the cloud” (Luke 9: 34). Is there anyone except Jesus in your cloud? If so, it will only get darker until you get to the place where there is “no one anymore, but only Jesus . . .” (Mark 9: 8 ; also see Mark 2-7 ).

My Utmost For His Highest

Oswald Chambers

It is difficult

Nahum 1: 7 says "the Lord is good. He is a refuge in times of trouble and He cares for those who trust in Him."

God does not will for His people to suffer, yet since the Fall, we live in a world controlled by the devil. Still, nothing can happen to us that is not first allowed by God. Right? Nothing takes place outside of His knowledge and ability to make good because He is sovereign over all.

If God's promise to love and protect extends to all who choose to believe in Him, and even those who do not yet know Him or have not made a decision to invite Him into their lives, how does He decide when to hold back? Or does He not make this choice?

It is difficult to get my head around the difference between what I see in the world and what I have experienced for myself. Perhaps I am blessed as my family knows and follows God. Perhaps I am walking in the fruits of their daily decision to love and serve Him. Perhaps they have done the hard work over past generations, and I am revelling in the spiritual blessings.

There are those, however, who live apart from God until one amazing encounter causes them to look at Him with a new perspective. Maybe they survive a car crash, escaping miraculously without a scratch. Maybe they are bitter about life's circumstances and are invited to a church service by a close friend, where they are touched by God's presence and someone's testimony.

It seems like we're the lucky ones. The ones who are somehow bestowed more grace. But I know this is not true. I know God has no favourites. He loves us all. Does He give everyone the same level of chance to respond though? Does everyone get a fair go in knowing How much He cares?

I was born into a loving family that instilled strong moral and ethical values, and has given me an incredible life. On the same day, a girl somewhere in the world was probably birthed into a home of brokenness and violence. To parents who let her live, only to abuse and exploit her. If someone were to walk up to her one day to share about God's grace, would she not question how a God who claims to love her so deeply could let her hurt so much?

Why does the goodness I have experienced not extend to everyone else with the same measure or more? Why does the Bible tell us that He is our protector and deliverer at the same time it confirms we may suffer for our faith? Do these passages talk about two different things? Is this a part of God's timing?

If God can choose to intervene in one person's life, and save them from assault, why does He appear to turn away when the same thing is about to happen to another? I know it grieves Him terribly to see His children in pain. I know that He cannot bear to look upon the sinfulness of this world. But why do only some get rescued from the trauma?

For Christians, does this tie in with God wanting to mould us in our character and make us stronger in our faith? With Him desiring for us to know Him more intimately? Many have shared that it was only in their grave adversities did they gain a deeper understanding and fall more in love with Him.

For non-Christians, would this not deter them from wanting to know Him? Yet many have given their lives to Him after one encounter of His warm presence. In such cases, that was evidence of His ability to restore and make the past, however horrific, nothing.

I know God works all things for the good of those who love Him. And by "all things", it means even the most challenging of times. Does God's decision on whether to intervene depend on the level of our faith and our personality? For He won't give us more than He knows we can bear at the end of the day. Is this why I have been shown so much grace? Because I am weaker in my faith?

Someone once told me that God does not have to limit the sinfulness of this world because His sovereignty is able to redeem any person and any situation. Someone else said that while this is so, God did set a boundary for the devil, out of His grace. Had He not, we would witness and experience even more mayhem and suffering.

I know that Jesus went to the cross to claim back the authority that was handed to the devil at the Fall. This means I have been given the power to pray for intervention, for miracles, for a change in the atmosphere. I can prophecy, speaking truth and goodness into existence. Why then are my prayers only answered some of the time? Though God does not will for His people to suffer, are my prayers for certain ones to be delivered somehow not in line with His heart for them? Maybe because from their pain comes great revival for others?

Do I only pray when He calls me to? But shouldn't I pray anyway because I'm not always sensitive to His voice? Do I just keep praying and seeking until I hear His voice confirm something? I cannot let my love and worship to Him be conditional upon the outcomes. Because He sees and knows it all. I just need to trust in His sovereignty.

Sometimes it's so difficult. I wish I could understand why there are times I can see Him move and other times it's as if He has forgotten. I want to know why He would allow a faithful believer's fiancee to be murdered in their new apartment just before the wedding. Why He would give babies to women who will abort them when they don't see His gift of life as an act of love. Why He would let a gang of men pour acid over a helpless woman's face to settle a dispute between their families or punish her for rejecting an arranged marriage proposal.

How do those who don't know Him move on and live with such pain? Why does He allow them to be crippled so? Where do they find their strength and when they do, why would they think it was Him who gave them that capacity? Would they not just rely on themselves and not trust?

Perhaps it is different for children as it is for adults, for there is a difference in the way God is approached. A difference in the level of understanding, or rather in the way of understanding God, people and circumstances. Adults probably have more filters from their experiences. More room for scepticism, supposedly rational thinking and justification.

Do I stagnate my spiritual growth because I am afraid that one day He'll decide it is time for me to experience something terrible as a way to stretch my faith? Do I not believe that God is indeed inherently good? How do I reconcile these two things - His will for us not to suffer and His decision to allow that suffering to occur still? Perhaps to a child, there is more black and white and fewer gray areas.

Why are people offended by my questions? Why do they tell me I am disrespecting God? Does He not want me to be open and honest and go to Him with my burdens and doubts so He can shed light on them? Does He not want for me to know Him more through my seeking?

Are my questions causing me to turn away though? Don't they just deter me from studying the Bible or worshipping or being impacted by the sermons I am so privileged to hear every Sunday without persecution? Have I chosen to neglect spending time with Him because I am angry? As if that would change His mind and cause Him to answer my prayers the way I want Him to instead of sticking to what really is best for that person.

Will I not remain committed to God even if I cannot see what He is doing or comprehend His intentions? Will I not claim against all odds that He is still good and not let Him be misunderstood again? I don't think He cares about His reputation. He doesn't need me to uphold it. But He cares about how much I value my relationship with Him.

I just feel so powerless sometimes. I am told not to focus on what God isn't doing but to see what He is. To search out the testimonies of those whose lives He has touched and continues to change. To feed myself with the stories that show He is real and good so that they will give me strength to face the situations where His presence is not apparent.

I wonder why I should bother if He's got the timing all worked out. If He'll still do whatever it is He has planned. Can I really change His mind? When I pray a certain way, is it not for me to get in tune with His heart and pray according to what He desires? In times of seeking, He changes my mind instead, does He not?

The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy. He seeks to ruin us and make a mockery of God. He'll do anything and use anyone to serve his purposes. So we live without joy and begin to think that God is too serious and narcissistic to desire us to have joy. It's all a lie though.

Still, it's difficult. It's difficult to keep believing and contending for what God has promised. I want to make the odds easier for so many people. I want to turn things around so that those who will act responsibly and love their children will not need to struggle with infertility while others who sell their daughters to brothels to get out of debt pop babies like there's no tomorrow. If it is painful to watch those children suffer, why give them to those who will only crush them? Why not allow those people to be barren?

It is mean of me to think this way. I just don't get it. If I could be everywhere at once, I'd protect every child and woman. I'd remove them from the oppression and place them where they can be safe and secure. Where they will be loved and esteemed. Where they will learn their self worth and have the freedom to be themselves, to be beautiful. I'd put all the men who lust after power and are filled with perversion in places that first address why they have become that way. Maybe they need healing from their pasts. Maybe they were never taught boundaries. Never taught to respect others, to appreciate diversity, to see an individual for who they truly are. Maybe they are so deep in their addictions, they need the help to get out.

What if God spoke every time someone was about to sin? Spoke just so that person could hear Him. Spoke in a way they would recognise as His voice? What if all He said was, "you'll really hurt me and that person if you do that." What if that was enough for us to change our mind and want to spend our time in conversation with Him, rather than on plotting something evil? Surely God thought about this at the beginning. He must have figured it wasn't such a grand idea.

It is difficult. I don't want to lose hope when I read the painful stories and see the confronting images. When I hear they have become a reality for someone in my life. I want joy. I want peace. And I don't just want it for me. 

Faith in trying

Tested negative again today. Strangely disappointed. But Hebrews 11: 1 reminds that "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see".

I've come to find a large number of blogs by women and couples struggling with infertility. Sometimes I wonder whether we have crossed paths simply because God wants me to pray for them to be blessed or whether He is also telling me this may be my journey and is somehow preparing me.

I don't feel at peace though so maybe I am over thinking it. Still, my heart goes out to all who are going through such a painful journey. On a happy note, those who believe in God are still clinging to their faith and choosing to worship no matter what. They see that God is sovereign and good. That He does love them and wants to give them the best.

I hope my love for God will not be conditional upon my circumstances but I will have a commitment like that of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego (Daniel 3).

Bali Wedding

Our friends Pei Yin and Ian just got married at this amazing place in Bali. Can't wait to see the rest of their photos and the wedding video. What a gorgeous location and the bride was stunning (not that she isn't on other days). Would love a holiday there!

My first ever published article

Papier Mache - Totally unrelated photo but I'm happy
and this cute magazine of kids' clothes makes me smile

Thank you everyone who supported me with taking this new direction - my awesome family, fabulous husband and rockin', rulin' friends. A very special thanks to Sharon Goldner for encouraging and editing. Thanks for believing in me you guys and gals!

How to Plan a Wedding on a Budget (Suite 101).

I'm officially a Sister Village writer!

Whee! I am so excited about this new adventure! It was truly a God-send.

I found Sister Village through IComLeavWe. In short, that is where you go around leaving comments on blogs of people who have signed up to be part of the project that takes place from the 21st to the 28th every month. I only signed up for one month.

One of my comments was to Robin Rouse, the founder of Sister Village. I asked how I could get involved as I ♥ this project she started to reach out to women across the globe. It really ties in with what I've had on my heart for years. Sister Village impacts women's lives through open and honest writing, get-togethers (they have Buzz meetings), community events and other great activities.

I also wrote to Sharon Goldner, the main contributing writer of the Sister Village blog, about getting into the writing industry as she is well established in that field. She responded so quickly and was incredibly warm and willing to provide guidance. I had been praying for a mentor and I believe Sharon is an answered prayer. She is incredibly encouraging and supportive but beyond that I have found a friend in her.

Sharon edited the two articles I wrote as samples for my application to Suite 101. I just got accepted as a freelance writer for that organisation, which is another major thing to be thankful to God about. One of those articles has been submitted to be published on their site. I had to revise it today as the editor, for the section I gave the draft to, explained that Suite 101 has specific requirements for web based writing. Hopefully I will be able to include a link to the finished product this week.

Both Sharon and Robin are amazing, passionate women and it is such a privilege to have been invited to be a contributing writer for Sister Village. You can read my bio here. It'll give a gist as to what I hope to achieve in the long run. They gave me access to post to the blog directly and even created a Sister Village email address for me. How cool is that?

Never did I expect to be able to do something like this, especially so soon after resigning. I am so grateful for having met them and for this wonderful opportunity.

I hate going to the dentist

Well, it's actually not that bad. But I still procrastinate making an appointment. Then I finally did but the dental clinic ran away! I kid you not, it was an elusive little clinic with no name.

I found the number off the Medibank Private partners list and booked in because it is supposed to be relatively close to my house. A Doctor Poverenov at Suite 1103, Level One, 56 Scarborough (yeah, makes you want to sing the Simon and Garfunkel song if you're in my generation or before) Street.

That was all good and well until I tried to find the place! Raaah!!!! I headed for the mall round the corner from the address of the clinic as you get four hours of free parking there. Then, with address and instructions in hand, I went in search for the dentist. I found building 77 and 40 so assumed 56 would be somewhere in between but alas! there was no building 56 and barely any building in between for that matter, just a tiny row of boutiques and banks. I walked into several stores to ask for building numbers and get this! Not one of them knew what building number they work in! Raaah!

My appointment time was rolling round so I rang the clinic to clarify. After following the receptionist's lead, I came to a dental clinic. Yay! (Oh sorry, I was distracted by the Kookaburra outside my window so stopped to photograph him) Anyway, turns out it was the wrong clinic! But it was on the first level of the building the lady told me to walk into. Raah!

I initially decided to just get my teeth cleaned at the clinic I ended up at but they are not a Medibank Private partner, which means I don't get two free regular checkups a year with them.

So out came the mobile, only this time the dental clinic's phone was engaged for a whole thirty minutes! I tried like five to seven times I think to reach them but to no avail. All the while I kept walking around, asking one person after another, visiting one information booth to another. I couldn't believe NO ONE had any idea where building 56 was.

A good forty minutes were spent hunting for Doctor Pov. I gave up as it was just ridiculous plus I would have been too late to be entertained. I drove away in dismay and found myself at Harbour Town where I bought a $19.95 dress.

It was absolutely essential, I assure you. All for the sake of not making my efforts of getting ready, driving out and walking around come to nothing. Well actually not really because after wearing it on Sunday, I discovered it makes me look pregnant.

Oh why do I do these things to myself? Now I have to call another dental clinic.

Thanks Anonymous!

Not sure who you are but thanks for the comment on my previous post. Yes, I have read about feeding babies when taking off and landing so their ears don't hurt with the pressure. Interestingly, some babies don't seem to be bothered.

I once shared a flight with a 2-month old baby girl who was in the row just before me. Wow, if ever there was a quiet baby! She just softly chuckled at all twelve of her rowdy Greek relatives who were passing her around like a parcel and then decided that was enough so yawned and went to sleep as we were landing.

I'm praying our children will take that well to flying too because their mother certainly is not a seasoned traveller! I get sick just by bending down in a stationary vehicle to pick my bag up. Sigh. It would be great to break up the back-crunching, bum-flattening, leg-shortening (mine are already stunted), brain-fuzzing trip to the UK.

Anyway, I guess I can leave all that to when we are actually expecting :) I might be contacting you for more advice and tips then if you care to leave a name and blog link.

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Ah Belle, so it is you! That was my initial thought as all other anon comments were from you. But thought I'd just check :) You should start a blog. God has done so much in your life that it would be a shame not to have a journal to remember it all by and to encourage, inspire and challenge others with.

Places I want to visit

1. Japan
2. Taiwan
3. Korea (don't recall much as I was quite young when my family and I went)
4. Greece
5. Tuscany
6. Paris (I was too little to remember anything - same for Venice and Vienna)
7. New York
8. New Zealand

One drawback. I hate flying! It's time like this I wish I was a 'Jumper' (refer to movie of that title). Hopefully Fab and I will have saved enough money to travel around Europe when we attend his brother's wedding in London next August.

I wonder what we'll do if I'm heavily pregnant or am due around then or if we've just had a baby. We can't be dragging the poor little fella everywhere with us right? Ah, the timing will have to be left in God's hands.