I want to see

Where the Wild Things Are (photos from the website) - my sister had a miniature version of the story book and a small stuffed Wild Thing toy. I remember loving both those things. She might still have them somewhere. I really want to watch this movie and buy the book and maybe even a little toy. Just for old time sake, to hold things of my childhood. I think it would make me cry and laugh and reminisce and appreciate and dream and wish and laugh and cry some more and love those I have in my life, just the way any good movie does. I'm thinking now I should have never given away our Dr Seuss books. I may still have my Roald Dahl ones. Now I just have to get Where the Wild Things Are, The Little Prince, that book about the little girl who talked to God (what's the title??) and some other ones to line my shelves with. Keepers. To con my kids into liking when they're old enough. :)

i ♥

 

Images from Real Living Magazine and {this is glamourous}

Our first anniversary getaway

 I love you, Fab

Honour and Favour

This teaching by Kim Walker really speaks to me. I relate to so much of what she is saying and it's just such a great lesson to me. It's so true that there are times we feel like others are trying to box us in because perhaps they don't share the same perspective as us. But we can still choose to honour them as leaders over our lives and choose to honour their vision and partner with them and serve, instead of letting pride or the frustration and hurt we are feeling take over and walking away. When we're faithful with the favour we have been given and expended ourselves completely, God will open the doors and expand that favour in His perfect timing. I am, by nature, an impatient person. And I don't like the feeling of being shoved into what I consider to be a mould (some people are a lot more flexible and can just go along with most things and may not have such a huge reaction to certain matters as I do). So choosing to honour whomever the person is and choosing to be faithful instead of complaining and starting a revolution or turning my back and leaving can sometimes be a challenge to do inwardly (I tend not to overtly rebel or disobey or go against the grain with most things). But I realise it is so necessary.

Further teaching by Kim Walker on worship leading - this one is on song choice. What struck me about this was when she said we are not in denial when we choose not to sing about how we're really feeling (like if we've had a really rough day or are going through incredibly challenging times in our lives). The point of worship is to come to God and lay all of those things down at His feet and to recognise once again that He is God over everything and that it is all about Him. In that time of truly seeking Him and giving Him the honour, we find that God actually speaks into our situation or comforts us in our hurts or just meets us and though nothing may change in our circumstances, we are able to see them in new light or able to face them with new strength or just able to go on because He makes it possible even if it is difficult. It's so true because we can already spend a great deal of time dwelling on what is not well in our lives so why come into a time of worship doing that even more and causing ourselves to just spiral even lower. It does not mean we cannot come into that time and be honest with God in our minds and hearts. God desires our honesty and openness. We can definitely approach Him and tell Him we're in pain and need His redemption, His restoration, His healing, His presence, whatever it may be. We can be real because He wants us to be real. He does not want fake happiness and flowery words and masks but raw truthfulness. In our private moments, we can cry, we can scream and shout, we can do whatever. But don't forget that ultimately we are recognising His sovereignty once again. We are giving Him praise in our bad times and letting Him take control of what is causing us anger or grief or confusion or doubt or fear. This is something I often forget. I spend so much time focusing on my problems and yelling at God that I forget that He is God.

Oh Lord, I want to be in awe of You and remember that Your plans are to prosper and not to harm me. You are there to be glorified because of who You are. You are the lifter of my head. You are the Almighty One. What kind of friend would I be if I dishonoured You with my incessant questioning and bombarded you with hateful words or misunderstandings about Your intentions. You have been so loyal to me. I need to remember You have given me a spirit of love, power and a sound mind to choose to not immediately think the worst of You but be determined to claim that You are good even when I may not see it in the circumstances, because situations do not change who You are and what Your heart for me is like. They simply test my convictions of these.

A Little Longer

[Song: A Little Longer by Jenn Johnson]

Lord I want to be like Mary who just stayed by Your side. You said she had chosen what was more important and that it wouldn't be taken from her. I don't even have children yet but I find myself caught up with things all the time. I have allowed little things to just fill my life. I fret over the housework because things never seem to get clean enough. I am hardly ever really settled.

My mind is busy, my heart is busy and I cannot hear You. I get frustrated so easily. I find dissatisfaction at work, at home, and in all areas of my life because I have not made time for You. Because I just go from one routine thing to another. There is no stillness and no true rest. Little joy and even lesser peace. I get angry easily. I snap and mutter. I scowl and potter. Potter about the house doing this and doing that. I'm always thinking. Good things, bad things, things that I should not even consider.

I'm like Martha. I'm doing things You never asked of me and I am resentful towards the one by Your side doing nothing to help me. I want to let these little things go. I want to find rest just being with You. Draw strength for things that matter, things I will need to do later. I don't want to be stuck on what has so little consequence. No one sees the little specks of dust on my kitchen counter. They do not bend down and sweep the floorboards with their finger to test how clean they are. They don't inspect my bathroom or stare at my walls. I need to let these things go.

Father I need to be at Your side. I need Your strength. My own is not enough. I want to love You more Lord but I don't know how. I even need that love to come from You. I need everything to come from You. I look to Fab for more time, for more affection, for more so I feel filled. But I can't expect him to be You. I've burdened him with my incessant grumbling, my frustrations, my hurtful words and constant demands. I've forgotten that all I need to do is find You.

You've given me this marriage as a beautiful gift but I have not fully appreciated it because I keep wanting more, seeking for what I can only find in You. If I find that place in You, our marriage will naturally grow stronger, and Fab and I will be closer. Fab has been so good. He has set a wonderful example by giving time to be with You. But I have neglected my walk with You and so have let You down and have let my marriage down.

I don't want to give up seeking You Lord when I cannot feel Your presence after a little while. I want to be determined to press in. I don't want to get distracted. I want to get my relationship with You right, Father. I don't want to go to Fab for what I should be finding in You. Instead I want to walk together with him towards You. I want us to be alive with Your fire in us, burning to share of our revelations to each other (and others) and rejoicing together in our new found passion and discoveries of what Your word means and just fresh perspectives of You Lord.

Dance with Me

I don't know why but I teared up when I heard this song. There are so many times I want to be able to run up to God though. To just be in His safe embrace and know that everything is going to be alright. I look for that here in the world but nothing comes close. God will never disappoint. He will never be short of what I need and desire.

I try to find hope and justice in people but these things are not always there. I look for someone who understands fully what I see in my mind and feel in my heart of the tragedies on this earth. Someone who can take the frustration, the rage, the resentment, the fear, the ache away. Even I am inconsistent. I am fallible. I am perfectly capable of failing someone. Of letting them down. Of not meeting the mark of what they expect, of what they hope for.

What we hope for is beyond what we can find in anyone or anything else. It's only in God that our hearts and minds can rest and our spirits find that place where it's all as it should be. No more violence. No more grief. No more loss. No more betrayal. No more weakness. No more disease. No more exhaustion. No more listlessness. We come to a place of being filled.

I picture myself just clinging onto Him for a very long time as He lovingly holds me. He doesn't need to say a thing. It's all enough. It's all made right in that one moment. All the pounding in my heart and head begins to settle. My cries for justice fade and I can breathe again. My tears of angst and sorrow, and of the burdens I carry turn to ones of joy and utter relief. Slowly the heaviness is lifted off my shoulders and I know He has healed the women and the children who are hurting in the world.

Those who have been crushed He has now restored. He has reconciled families. He has cleansed the land of all unholiness. No more will people live out of lust, greed, immorality, brutality. Fathers will take on their mantle of leadership with humility and love. Blessings flow. Abundance pours forth, and the people rise as pure kings and queens of the Most High God.

i ♥

Love fresh open spaces with lots of natural lighting and materials...warm interiors, inviting outdoor settings...happy sigh* (Photos from Notebook Magazine, discontinued publication)

Hidden Hurts

Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24

People who have been abused or have gone through traumatic experiences have sought to survive and cope with life behind a myriad of defense mechanisms. Some have been ritualistically abused to such an extent that they have no conscious memory of their experiences. Others constantly avoid anything that would stimulate those memories. Unable to process those experiences from the past, they live in denial. Others rationalize or try to suppress the pain with food, drugs or sex.

However, this is not God’s solution for their lives. The psalmist prays to God to search his heart and bring everything to light. God does search and test our hearts. “I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings” (Jer. 17:10). Knowing this, you can always count on God to bring your past conflicts, however suppressed, to the surface at the right time so that everything can be brought into the light to be dealt with.

The first step in God’s answer for repressed trauma is shown here in Psalm 139:23-24. God knows about the hidden hurts within you which you may not be able to see. When you ask God to search your heart, He will expose the dark areas of your past and bring them to light. Not only is God the Healer of our hearts, He is also constantly near to those who are brokenhearted; to restore and lead them back to the path of wholeness. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (147:3). “The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a contrite spirit” (34:18).

Jesus is the light of the world, he who follows Him shall not walk in darkness but have the light of life (John 8:12). As you embrace the truth of God’s Word in your heart today, let His light shine deep into the innermost parts of your life. As you meditate upon His love for you, allow the Holy Spirit to be your Counselor, Comforter and Healer. He wants to restore you completely and lead you back onto the path that leads to His eternal and abundant life.

Kong Hee
President (Founder)
City Harvest Church Singapore

I'm singing

At first, I looked at this and thought, "wow, Kari Jobe is so pretty and has such a sweet voice. How come I can't be that beautiful?" But then I watched the testimonies and felt a lump rise in my throat because though they may have only shared about a line each, their testimonies are both encouraging and touching. They challenge me to live for God no matter what. To really sing, "All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" (Desert Song - Hillsong Church).

I don't know what Kari's story is. What God has brought her through. We each have our unique testimonies to share of His goodness and sovereignty in our lives. The one that hit me the most was the the testimony of the lady who has had 4 miscarriages and still is giving praise to God. Something like that would crush me. I would probably become bitter and angry at God for letting me hurt like that. But she sees beyond her circumstances to the God who is in control and is worthy of honour despite all we experience here on earth.

Will I sing praise unto Him for who He is and not for what I expect Him to be able to give me? Will I honour Him even when He does not seem to be bringing justice and I think He ought to because it is in His word and in line with His character? Will I let Him decide what to do and when to do it and how? Will I just let God be God and just be in awe of Him? As God calls us to be bringers of His life to a broken and fallen world, I want to sing life over the nations and see people healed and restored, and brought to a place of wholeness.

Here is the song (I'm singing by Kari Jobe)

putting words down

The devil schemes. You plan, You purpose, You fashion, You form.
The devil destroys. You mend, You heal, You revive and create.
The devil terrorises. You protect, You deliver, You empower, adore.
The devil takes away. You give, You bless, You vindicate.

Isaiah 55: 6

"Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near" Why? Because we expected God to show up on earth as some superhero, a majestic king, a fearless warrior to judge and rule and make all things right (according to our definitions).

He was all these things but not in the form we wanted Him to be. He came as a servant king. Majestic in all His ways but not to the Pharisees and the other bunches of self righteous cynics. He came appearing weak in man's eyes. I mean, He died. On a cross. At the hands of man. Yes there were miracles but what a freak, right? And then when it came to crunch time He couldn't even save Himself so boo to this so-called Saviour. But that's because they were blinded to what was really happening.

Jesus' death on the cross was no act of defeat, ladies and gentlemen. It was an act of victory. Something shifted in the heavens. That's right. His death and resurrection changed the course of history for those who chose to call upon His name and place their trust in Him. And this holds true for us today. With one blow to His earthly body, He carried the weight of sin for all and opened the door for us to have a new life. A miraculous life. For us to experience heaven on earth as we believe and pray His will into being. With His sacrifice, He altered the spiritual atmosphere and claimed for us a destiny we lost when we let the devil have his way.

Seek Him while He may be found. Because one day He will return, and this time not as a sacrificial lamb. He will return to judge. He will return to seek out those who love Him and have served Him with all their hearts for they are the ones He will accept into His kingdom and reward accordingly. Those who have been faithful and fruitful with what He has given. Who have not worn masks and 'played' the part on the outside, only to be empty on the inside.

This is a warning to me. This is a warning to those who have let their relationship with the Father fall to the wayside. His grace is extended to us freely now. But a time will come when it will be no more. Where we cannot expect to be handed a free ticket when we have rejected and neglected and offended Him all our lives with our petty bickering, our greedy pursuits, our lustful indulgences, our resentful hateful slandering, and our disregard for one another.

Light Up the World

Found this song By Desperation Band.

Lord, let Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. We should see the sick being healed every day. There should be nothing telling us this can't take place. Why should there be room for doubt in our minds and hearts? I'm gonna believe that the power of heaven will be released. The broken hearted will be healed because You love them, God. We just need to bring your love and message of hope to them.

I'm gonna believe that fathers and their children will unite. That couples will fight (not each other but the circumstances and the odds) to make their marriage work and not just give it up to lust, to self centredness, to drunkenness. Why should abuse exist? Have people forgotten what commitment means? What trust is? When did we stop seeing the needs of the people in this world and start living only for ourselves? Lord, we want to see Your glory. Light up the world with Your love.

the imperfect cure

I've never really had teeth trouble. The odd slap on the wrist for not flossing enough or brushing the back of my bottom front teeth adequately, but nothing major. I have white spots on my top two middle teeth but dentists I have seen have offered useless guesses like, "you don't consume enough calcium...you consume too much calcium...you used to swallow your toothpaste when you were a kid...". My gums have been sensitive and have bled for as long as I can remember. Again, more dentistry wisdom, "It's normal. You should not be afraid to brush hard even when they bleed. Brush harder!" Then finally an old man who checked my teeth late last year said, "your gums have been receding, brush softly in a sweeping motion. Apart from that it all looks good."

But, then, to my shock and horror, after visiting the St Lucia Dental Centre yesterday afternoon, the verdict I was given was far less than positive. "You've got active gum disease. Your gums bleed at every section between your teeth. This is a really bad sign. What's worse is your gums have receded at least 2 mm which, if it continues, means your roots will be exposed and your teeth may eventually fall out as you age and your bones are not as strong to hold things in place. The stage of your gum disease is usually only seen in a person at least twice your age so this is pretty dangerous. We'll have a good clean and then I'll take an x-ray (that cost me $40 for three seconds!) to assess the damage and advise you on strategies to take from there. Hmm, did you eat antibiotics when you were young? Antibiotics can cause white spots to form on the teeth when taken at the stage where the adult teeth are developing. They can, in some cases, even weaken the enamel. Thankfully this is not so in your case but unfortunately the white spots you obtained are right in the front. I don't think you're prone to holes and cavities as I notice you've never had any fillings done." Ok, one good thing. I later checked the receipt; every tiny thing was so expensive but thankfully all other treatments were covered by my private health fund which I pay through my nose for on top of the Medicare Levy. Not happy, Jan!

The cleaning hurt. I don't think I breathed much, sometimes I forget when in a dentist chair. I remember flinching once as the little poker-scraper thing jabbed away at my plaque and tartar. It was made worse by the stupid ulcer I developed just days before my appointment. I hardly ever have ulcers! Anyway, after all of that, I got told I need to be disciplined to floss carefully between each pair of teeth every day and to use two types of antiseptic mouth wash to get the maximum effect. Both are Colgate products, but one is apparently much harder to locate. Fab happened to have one of them. It leaves a horrid bitter taste in my mouth and stings sometimes and made my breakfast this morning unenjoyable. I'm also expected to see a dentist every three months to monitor the situation. Once the bleeding has significantly reduced and it is obvious that the soft brushing, flossing and rinsing has done its job, I can go back to just getting my teeth checked twice a year like a normal human being.

I read the label on the mouth rinse last night. "May alter tastes. May discolour gums but the effect should not be adverse. May cause tartar build up. May..." What?! It's supposed to kill some germ and clean out my mouth right? Why is it causing more unwanted residue to form instead, and why is it harming my gums even though it is made to tackle early signs of gum disease?! Nothing is full proof. All medications come with their own set of warnings and precautions. Their unique gift to you of possibly horrid side effects. I want a cure that is nothing but a cure! I spent some time standing in the bathroom and in the shower and lying in bed and driving to work praying for God to heal my gum disease. He's my full proof cure giver. The healer who can make things 100% new. No one else and nothing else can even come close!

Oh God, I don't ever want to have to wear dentures! Please make my gums grow back! :(