Sometimes I think I have super powers

Photo from 8tracks

It seems I have the ability to go completely unseen like Jessica Alba's character in Fantastic Four. I should harness this gift for good by first learning to control it. I imagine it would come in handy in the event of imminent danger, while being more convenient to master than Harry Potter's magic cloak.

Truth betold, I don't think I have ever felt this invisible and socially disconnected. Still, it has served to help me realise how much my heart craves for genuine companionship.  Am I too dull, too needy? I can't work out what went wrong and perhaps never will but maybe it was to no fault of mine.

I'm leaving in two weeks anyway, and shall endeavour to look ahead. It's odd to think so lowly of myself yet be hurt when I cannot find acceptance, as if it was an unexpected turn of events. I just thought one day I would finally prove to be enough...

23 September 2012 Update: 

Thank You, Daddy God, for Mili, my colleague from Peru. And thank You for extending my contract until mid October so I have work to keep me out of trouble and a little more cash for our bank account :) I am grateful that You see me and call me beautiful, and that You only hold good thoughts for me and my loved ones. You have blessed me with a gorgeous husband who tells me I'm pretty everyday, and brought people along the way to encourage and support me. May I never forget all You are, all You have done and all You have given. 

Instagram

The cutest, sweetest, most wonderful-lest husband ever! Sometimes I wonder how I could ever get cranky and be all childishly unpleasant with him because if you see his disappointed face, it's really heartbreaking. (Just read this post about learning to see the upside in someone's quirks that we may consider a flaw or cause of irritation). Here is Fab posing with the Optimus Prime Nic and Miin sent for Christmas, before peeling carrots for dinner. 

The other cutie man in my life - my Pa (taken at Coffee Club, DFO, Brisbane Airport)

My first pair of wedges - I've graduated from flats. Well, not really. I'll still wear flats most of the time. Let's hope my feet are happy in these $30 Target shoes. I think the other times I've paid more than $25 for footwear were for black heeled college prom shoes, white heels with beads for my wedding, really sturdy hard-wearing walking shoes (kinda like Doc Marts), sports shoes, and my only pair of black boots (or did my mum pay for them?)

Procrastinating

The hour between 12:45pm and 1:45pm was meant to be for writing a job application due Wednesday but as you can see, I'm procrastinating...

I love the idea of creating traditions for Fab and myself, and one I'm thinking to try, for this season, is the 12 Dates of Christmas, found off A Beautiful Mess and Rockstar Diaries. 

The only thing is I have family coming over to spend Christmas with us and relatives. We're renting holiday accommodation at Ballina. It'll be a really good reunion and my parents could do with a proper break. Now that Nan and Gramps have passed on, I'm hoping my parents can have more quality time together travelling and doing what they love. 

Maybe I can turn it into 12 Dates for the New Year although that kind of defeats the whole 12 days concept. Nevermind, who says I can't innovate and make up something for us right? 

Pugs in Pyjamas

I would like to have a pug or a miniature pig...a smallish fellow to go walking with. One Fab and I can dote on, who can befriend our kids when we have some in the future. This adorable little pug belongs to Elsie and Jeremy Larson. The photo is part of Elsie's home tour collection on A Beautiful Mess. Suki the pug is posing on their sofa. I love all the creative ideas Elsie, Emma and their friends at Red Velvet come up with. I'm even considering taking one of their e-courses. 

And now I should really look at that job application. I really dislike having to address selection criteria and attending interviews. I get performance anxiety and it's not natural to do the whole self-promotion spiel to try prove I can handle the role. I was saying to Fab last night that I think I need a stronger personality. I feel like I should be more of a go-getter and someone who is able to be assertive and not easily shaken emotionally. 

i ♥

This tattoo

Via Curating Cuteness

Source

I want a collection of vintage tins like the one I saw at a market stall in Amsterdam. I bought two - one for a friend. Would have gotten more if they were cheaper and didn't take up too much luggage space.

Penny for your thoughts

The Hope Movement

Being judgemental is something I still struggle with. This statement is so true. A critical attitude can reflect our character, perspective and level of maturity, which leads me to wonder about the experiences that have shaped them. 

Via Rainbow Pastels

I realise I often desire to feel justified or at least understood, and sometimes this desire takes over the importance of the relationship itself. But the other person should be more valuable to me than the acknowledgement that what I thought and said was right or made sense. 

Via Favim - can someone please help me track the source?
So far I've been getting dead links and reposts of this image

How far will I let my imagination take me? How far will I take my imagination? Sometimes we are afraid to dream but sometimes we are just as afraid to make our dreams reality. Maybe it really isn't too late to start exploring now. It's tiring to live a life that others want us to. Sometimes we need to live the life we want. Their expectations and plans may not be the best thing. And there's no point in getting to the end only to regret choosing that path or resenting the person whom we think made us take it. But is what we want right?

The Notebook Doodles

It's hard to lose someone we love, whether through death or not having contact, be it by choice or circumstance. And when that loved one is out of reach, our heart misses them and tells our head to play memories of beautiful times together, or imagine times that could have been shared.

Two nights ago I dreamt of my grandparents. They were dancing in the distance as I watched from a narrow corridor. A light shone behind them and the image was blurred. I wished for a camera to capture the moment and was saddened by the realisation I had never taken any videos of them. I had somehow let myself believe they would always be around. The dream was brief and I choked back tears as they vanished in a mist. I do believe they are in a better place now so that should make for happy thoughts.

yesterday...a day to remember

I thank God for all who extend themselves to protect the lives of others, knowing they may never be appreciated even after they're gone but that they served out of the wholeness of their heart in hope of a better tomorrow for those they leave behind...

Posts on 9/11 - Ten Years Ago by Conversation Pieces, On This Day by Teatime Thoughts, We Remember by French by Design

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Braids and Bulldogs (add: fat bulldogs)

Happy that Keiko posted this hair tutorial. I had requested it as I really like the look. Unfortunately my hair might be too thin (read: little...I'm balding) to create the desired effect. How beautiful is she though! I am so envious. 

And the first photo of this post by Little Chief Honeybee makes me happy. The puppy is gorgeous! Actually I'm not entirely sure if he's a bulldog. I may have stupidly identified the wrong breed.

Friday: Thanks Shu! I was thinking some sort of terrier but couldn't find it. Should have asked you first :) Love your adorable cats. Hope you're happy at the new vet clinic despite the hectic-ness. 

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Is it silly I want these dolls? I can't decide which one I like best so maybe having all 3 would settle the problem. Of course I'll never be able to convince myself to spend money on such things for myself but I'm just going to dream about owning them for a little while. And here are another 3 but I think they're mini-sized so not huggable.

i ♥

From the Tokketok Blog

Homelife.com.au

What creative she·nan·i·gans can I get up to since I too have "quit my day job"?

Kmart got stylish

Trench for $29

Cardi for $10 in assorted colours

Military coat for $39

Military crop for $19

Military jacket for $19

Military button tee for $15

Notice a trend in my taste? :) But I shouldn't be spending any money...having said that, I did get a $9 almost-charcoal-grey beret, and a $15 light grey cotton open-top thing (not a bolero because it's not cropped but not a cardigan because it's not knitted...it has no buttons or zips but just sits like a very light t-shirt length jacket/coat) with sort-of-ruffled/crinkled looking sleeves that come to just above my elbows, the other day. Insert sheepish grin. Wow, I could so be a fashion writer with my wonderfully specific descriptions...not!

I don't know about this

Yes, I do like the combination of sweet and salty and yes, I would go for a plate of pancakes with maple syrup and bacon on the side...but I'm not sure if I want ice-cream with bacon bits in it. Maybe I do...

Fifty Licks

Just thinking...

Jane Austen's writing desk

...Distance can be a difficult thing...

...and how I love the way people used to take the time to think over what they were going to write to one another because it could take months for a letter to be delivered - how this meant being able to carefully consider what was being communicated...

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From Unruly Things

Pictures of food because the colours and patterns are so sweet and pretty: Wolf and Willow

And pretty shoes (the turquoise pair)

Taken from here

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I can't believe Notebook: Magazine (where the image above is from) has been discontinued, oh the catastrophe of it all! Ok, I'm being melodramatic but that was one of two magazines I would consider purchasing.

I love:

• The pink frilly-skirt dress and ribboned shoes in the picture 

• This photo of spring

• And this cute recipe chart by Herriot Grace

I wish I had the courage to

Photo taken from Gray Boulevard - image by Ms Muse

2011 - Week One Reflections

I still cannot believe it is the start to a new year already, But more than that it is the fact that I will be turning 31 and haven't worked for almost a year!!! To think I have been here for 11.5 years.

I know there is no point in dwelling on this and looking over my shoulder to consider what I could have done differently. If time does not pass, I cannot move into a new season. There is a time for everything – a season for all things under the sun. 

God knew how I would spend each day of my life and worked out a way for me to still get to where I need to be in the end. He works not just in and for my life but in the lives and for the lives of all his children, all at the same time. 

It appears the seasons of my life are reflected in the seasons for the church. Or my life is the one that does the reflecting. Or we are all simply moving together in the one season. In any case, though it could have been sped up had I made certain decisions, I am still on track. 

God considered the length of time it would take me to get around things, so nothing is lost. I cannot say I was slow for there is no basis for comparison. God does not compare me with another person or some growth speedometer. I responded out of my inherent nature – personality, experiences, strengths, interests, flaws, etc – but the plans God has for me are still within reach. That is the main thing. 

My goal is still there. And I look to it not just for me but for my future generations and generations I do not know and will never see, to leave a legacy rich and alive for others to build upon.

What is missing in that statement is the need to persevere. At the moment “perseverance” and I are not the best of buds but hopefully this will improve over the course of 2011.

Part of the family

At IKEA! So we get to enjoy a free hot chocolate (with as many free refills as one can possibly drink) each time we visit the store. I've got the catalogue and we're heading over this afternoon for a firm spring mattress.

Our exorbitantly priced latex one, which was meant to do wonders for our back (all that yadidah about posture-pedic support and the material never denting permanently was all a scam I say!) is slowly killing me. My too-high contoured pillow isn't helping either considering I already have a misaligned spine that is getting corrected by a chiropractor.

I got "cracked" today as a matter of fact. I say cracked because each 10-minute treatment seems to sound like that. My big-friendly-giant of a chiropractor jams fists into my back until everything seems almost "broken". But it's supposedly going to make things all better.

I asked him about pillows and he looked at me and said: "You're only little so you need something that's not too high. See this one? Too high. Ok, this kids' one is probably too small. So something in between. You're only little." He means I'm a midget with a small gap between the nape of my neck and the bed. So maybe I will find a good in-between to bring home today.

Sunday morning update: Found a firm mattress but they don't offer it in Queen. Comes only in Single and Double. Decided against pillow as couldn't work out if it was going to be any better than the one I have.

would ♥ to live in a...

Lighthouse!

Was just about to make this random post when I chanced upon a cute blog (photo source) after finding the Flor strawberry cake (she writes about it). 

I've always wondered what it would be like to live in an abandoned lighthouse. A tall, broad, sturdy, stone lighthouse. I wonder if there is such a thing. If it would be confusing for people. If ship captains would complain about the broken light. If it would be frightening in a storm. I'd turn the tip with the light into the perfect room with a view. It'd have to have glass made to withstand a hurricane though.

I imagine it would be so romantic when the weather is calm and you get to enjoy the tremendous view and walks by the sea. When the interior is rustic and cosy; full of old, sentimental things, and photographs of loved ones and warm blankets for rugging up together on the favourite couch during the cooler season. Full of rich smells from the vanilla-bean scented candle and the food waltzing out of the little kitchen.

Where would the windows be? I'll have to think this one through...

Yesterday

Standing amongst the throngs at the IKEA restaurant on a Saturday afternoon, surrounded by families, most of them with strollers and loot, a thought popped into my head...

"I wish I had a baby to buy cool things for."

Let yourself be crap

Took this off the Notebook Magazine website:

Things I'm bad at:

Singing. Check.

Lateral thinking. Check

Anything that involves wires, cords, remotes or assembling Ikea flatpacks. Check.

Moderation. Check.

Diets. See moderation.

Swimming. Self awareness. Surfing. Staying calm in a crisis (especially if there’s blood). Basketball. Public speaking. Running. I could go on. But, to be honest, most of this stuff I don’t care too much about. Except two things: public speaking and running. With public speaking, I’m not alone. In fact, I read somewhere that most people would rather stare down a shark than speak in public. But I think that being a shocking public speaker is so bound up in fear you never really know if you’re bad at it or just so terrified you can’t actually get your mouth to work. As my job involves speaking to a lot of people – sometimes a lot of people at the same time – a couple of years ago I decided to do a course at NIDA. Presenting with Confidence: a one-day course that helps you overcome the stress, nerves and anxiety associated with public speaking. Just knowing that other people felt the same way was a massive help, as was the course; though Barack Obama I’m not and never will be.

I was thinking about this in light of Nicky Pellegrino’s cover story (Feel free to fail) and how we tend to cut ourselves off from so many of life’s experiences because we’re afraid we won’t be good at them. Let yourself be crap, she says.

Caroline Roessler

Editor, Notebook:

Feel free to fail

Horse-riding, baking, windsurfing and singing - Nicky Pellegrino has tried them all... and failed miserably. So why does she keep picking herself up and finding joy in persistent unsuccess?

(End of copied text)

From the official 'Julie & Julia' movie website

(My words)

If I had to write a list of things I'm bad at, it would be as long as the Great Wall of China, which poses a problem as I have perfectionist tendencies. This means I will not attempt something unless I am convinced I will be perfect at it. This in turn translates to me attempting hardly anything at all because I sorely lack the confidence in just about everything.

There are times I have stepped out and taken the plunge, so to speak, but mostly because of peer pressure, or perhaps the pride that does not want to let others know I'm chicken. Therein lies a fine line though. There is the fear of not wanting to look like an idiot but also the fear of not wanting to be the cowardly wet blanket.

However, upon closer reflection, it would appear that my friends do not recall the times I presented as a fool, though I was quietly berating myself while trying to cover the redness that was quickly gushing up my face and ears from somewhere in my collar. If they do, they have certainly not mentioned it. Perhaps no one even bothered to take notice, given there were more interesting characters in the group to focus on. Ah, the advantage of keeping a lower profile.

I need to be braver and allow myself to just fail and find joy somewhere in the journey to trying and learning.