i ♥

Luna Light by Acorn Studio

Luna on Indiegogo

LED Cloud Lights

String Light Fire

[Currently on replay: I Was Made For Loving You by Tori Kelly & Ed Sheeran]

10 from my Favourite Listening List for this season: 

• See You Again - Cover by Boyce Avenue, featuring Beatrice Miller
• Heart Attack - Cover by Madilyn Bailey
• Wildest Dreams - Cover by Madilyn Bailey
• Human - Cover by Madilyn Bailey
• Chains - Cover by Sam Tsui & Kina Grannis
• Hello - Adele (Does anyone else think of the Lionel Richie song?)
• Stitches - Shawn Mendes
• Little Do You Know - Alex & Sierra
• Do You Remember - Jarryd James
• One Last Time - Ariana Grande

i ♥

Barrspinnare Pouffe by IKEA - Limited True Blue Collection in Dublin

Juju Hat

Mini Lucy P by Vanilla & Lace

This Collection of Stuff

Currently listening to:

• 'You Can Close Your Eyes' by Brooke Fraser (featuring William Fitzsimmons)
• 'I Don't Feel It Anymore' by William Fitzsimmons (featuring Brooke Fraser & Loane)
• 'Safe and Sound' by Taylor Swift (featuring The Civil Wars)

Currently listening to...

Bloom by The Paper Kites & Collide by Howie Day

Photo from 8tracks

It's a melancholic, reminiscient kind of day

Current favourite movie and songs



Photo from 8tracks

Fab and I watched 'We Bought a Zoo', starring Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson, on Saturday, and fell in love with the heartfelt family show with a cutie, clever little girl, an initially depressed grizzly bear and a Capuchin monkey in a safari suit.


Songs discovered on 'The Voice' -




 

Different Worlds - Jes Hudak ft. George Krikes 

Being my mother's daughter, I got "addicted" to watching a 15-episode Korean drama, my recent "obsession" being 'Heartstrings' with Jung Yong Hwa from CN Blue and Park Shin Hye, both of whom acted in another drama I watched back in 2010 titled 'You're Beautiful'. Anyway, because of the series, I have been replaying these songs -

Other favourite - 'Like an Avalanche' by Hillsong United  (this song makes my heart feel glad):

[Verse 1:]
Beautiful God
Laying Your majesty aside
You reached out in love to show me life
Lifted from darkness into light
Oh

[Verse 2:]
King for a slave
Trading Your righteousness for shame
Despite all my pride and foolish ways
Caught in Your infinite embrace
Oh

[Chorus 1:]
And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught up in grace like an avalanche
Nothing compares to this love love love
Burning in my heart

[Verse 3:]
Saviour and Friend
Breathing Your life into my heart
Your word is the lamp unto my path
Forever I'm humbled by Your love
Oh

[Bridge:]
Take my life
Take all that I am
With all that I am I will love You
Take my heart
Take all that I have
Jesus how I adore You

[Chorus 2:]
And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught up in grace like an avalanche
Nothing compares to this love love love

In the mood for Chinese music

...sentimental, sweet, melancholic Chinese music...makes me think of home and friendships and days of watching movies from Taiwan and Hong Kong...

This song reminds me of Shoe, who introduced Stephanie Sun's music. I love the piano melody.

I still have the CD of Jay Chou songs Alysia compiled for me and the albums Jason added to my computer at work

the things that make me cry

Amy's Coffee Talk

Losing someone or the thought that one day they may be gone and I can't do anything about it.

When Nan passed last August, Grampa requested we take all her clothes away and change the bed to something smaller. Despite her repeated attempts to limit how much alcohol Gramps drank over the years, he never gave heed, but after she left he didn't touch a single drop for days. I don't think he was quite the same without Nan. That could be why he went a year after.

One afternoon as he lay in the hospital, with my mum reading the papers by the window, he suddenly turned as if his name had been called. "Oh hey dear", he said, looking up. My mum glanced around to see who he was addressing and decided to watch quietly. "What's it like over there?" Gramps asked softly, eyes focused on the same place still. After what seemed like seconds of silence to my mum, Gramps piped up, "Ok, ok, stop boasting. I'll join you soon."

Gramps was afraid of dying. We knew that well. Both he and Nan fought hard in the final days, as if there was unfinished business. Then again, I guess they were fierce fighters all their lives. Nan was in the hospital for 16 days before leaving on her birthday. I wondered if she was waiting for that or their wedding anniversary 24 hours later. 

There was plenty of strife in the first two weeks but then a peace came over her and Nan decided she was ready to let go. One can't beat heaven as a birthday present after all. I had hoped for Jesus to be there to take her hand and let her know everything was going to be great. What I will call "Nan's little visit" to Gramps that afternoon was probably a turning point for him. I took assurance too. I wanted to know they were going to a far better place. 

Nan was the first close person I lost. I had a strange unspoken expectation she and Gramps would be around forever. Perhaps that stemmed from my strong hesitation towards growing up and facing the fact that I too will get old and experience the inevitable changes that accompany. Many times, I revert to living in the past instead of confronting the truth. There's this happy place for escaping, all in the confines of my brain. But reality always hits and I realise I have to deal with life as it is and the fact that loved ones won't always be with me. 

Since my early teens or a couple years prior, I've had a fear of losing family and close friends. Some days it's more overwhelming than others but every time I read a story about loss (whether fact or fiction), a deep sense of grief wells up in my stomach and I wail. I cried over this song by Avril Lavigne, which led me to write this post in the first place.

I even weep over imaginary conversations and events surrounding loss and heartache - as in I'll start talking aloud while playing two characters and then I'll find myself bawling (No, I don't do this in public). Can I blame this on too much TV? I have to find a way to switch off the part of my mind that keeps creating these scenarios, or figure out how to divert my creativity. These imaginary scenarios, they're so vivid.

Maybe it has to do with where my security lies. Who would make me feel safe and balanced if the people who are my world disappeared? You may protest and tell me that God should be my world and security now I'm old enough to understand and walk in faith. You may tell me that life is beautiful and I should make the most out of it and not just try to survive until we get to the good bits. God is trustworthy and good you say.

It's not that I disagree. It's just hard to put these words into practice and be utterly convinced and convicted by them at the very core of my being, so they're lived out every single day with full confidence and joy. There are people on this earth who frighten and upset me, situations like disease and disasters that are scary too, and sometimes I'm afraid God will allow me to encounter these as a way of maturing my character.

I want the ability to completely protect those who matter to me from harm's way and ensure they are healthy and fulfilled all the time, and I shudder at the thought that one day I will have to say goodbye. It's weird that I have a tendency to keep certain ones I care about most at arm's length though, as if to shield my heart and give my head room to deny they will definitely go at some point. Bids the question, "Who do I love more - them or myself?"

If it didn't hurt so much to lose them, would I be braver? Reminds me of the verse "perfect love drives out all fear" - if I can surrender the need to be secure the way I want to be right now, then maybe I can let God take care of the safety and well-being of my family and friends and decide what's best for them and me. Then even when pain does come into the picture, I will find perfect peace and restoration in God. 

Covers

I'm enjoying the talent that exists in YouTube. And today, I shared some of my finds to Fab. I think he found them inspiring. I've picked a few to showcase below. 

What I find amusing is many of these gifted artists are connected, as if they all live on the same street. It's like a story out of a Mr Men and Little Miss series where neighbourhoods are classified by their unique characteristic, such as Happy Land. For these musicians and singer-song writers it might be Tune Town or La-La Land.

• Boyce Avenue - "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele 
• Rachael Lampa & Tyler Ward - "Rocketeer" by Far East Movement (featuring Ryan Tedder)
• Sam Tsui & Christina Grimmie - "Just a Dream" by Nelly (Kurt Schneider has amazing arrangements)
• Alex G & Adam Stanton - "Just a Kiss" by Lady Antebellum

[Trivia: Antebellum is a Latin word (ante-bellum), literally meaning "before the war". I just Googled it and was thusly informed by Wikipedia. An intriguing choice for a band name, especially when preceded by the term Lady]

A Mixed Up Dreamy Post

Dreaming of winning a ThreadSence voucher through A Beautiful Mess. (Click on this link for details on the Beautiful Giveaway or the one above to go straight to ThreadSence)

Love how they arranged the song "Just a Dream" by Nelly - they sound really good together

Dreaming of 12 Pretty dresses from Fancytreehouse,
our upcoming vacation, and reuniting with family & friends...




Pinterest - London Tower Bridge

Pinterest has tons of gorgeous photos that leave
me inspired. Must remember to be creative with
taking photos on our trip - it's coming round fast! 



Scrabble Cookies that remind me of dear Yen

We had so much fun playing word games with scrabble
pieces during Uni holiday seasons...and we love eating!

That's what faith can do

I've posted Janice and Sonia's (Jayeslee) testimony before but I'm receiving the message differently today, in part because of the way they shared it this time and in part because of recent events. 

I don't know why pain seems to land on good people as opposed to the wicked or why it should be allowed to be prolonged. I don't know why someone young and healthy should be inflicted with a horrible disease. What I do know is what I have observed, and what I've observed is how the ones who choose God grow in their faith in these times of adversity. 

My mum's friend, whom I had an affinity with, and my grand aunt - though their battle with cancer was long and arduous, their spirits were not dampened. My grand aunt lifted the Lord's name in complete praise with all the strength she could muster in those last days. It is true that I have something to rejoice over, as they went to be with God in heaven, a place with no suffering. 

In praying for my dear friend, I wonder if my heart has taken offence because I think it is unfair for someone her age to be given this challenge. But God is slowly teaching me the importance of looking beyond the situation to His heart, and understanding that He does not will sickness. My fight is not with flesh and blood but neither is it with Him. I may wonder why He has allowed this to happen or why He does not appear to be moving fast enough, but the truth is His character is blameless. 

If I perceive with limited understanding and a focus on the natural, I am blinded to what God is truly doing. He is building an intimacy with His people that will stand amidst any and all opposition; a bond that cannot be broken or influenced  by circumstances, even in the slightest. 

I observe my friend's response and I know victory is already being gained. These shells we carry are only temporary yet I cling to what has earthly significance a little too much. She is growing in her character. A resilience is being developed. There is a special grace and anointing upon her life for this season, one that others do not get to experience as they do not require it. I know God is meeting her in a way she probably has never encountered and this encounter will be unsurpassed by an ordinary life. 

God is teaching me about real prayer - asking not for what my soul wants but positioning myself to see His personality and intentions. His heart is ALL for my friend, the way it was all for my mum's friend, my grand aunt and Nan, and Fab's grandmother. When we think the Lord is silent, that is actually the time He is working behind the scenes for the good of those who love Him, to bring them a future that prospers and brings hope. 

Pink Pearls - Wisdom and Liberty

"Proverbs teaches us wisdom and self control and how to understand sayings with deep meanings. We will learn what is right and honest and fair." (Proverbs 1: 2-3)

Proverbs 1: 8-9 "My child, obey the teachings of your parents and wear their teachings as you would...a pretty necklace."

Proverbs 3: 1-6 "My child, remember my teachings and instructions and obey them completely. They will help you live a long and prosperous life. Let love and loyalty always show like a necklace, and write them in your mind. God and people will like you and consider you a success. With all your heart you must trust the Lord and not your own judgement. Always let Him lead you and He will clear the road for you to follow."

As I read Proverbs today, I think of my mum - my constant prayer warrior, my childhood days story teller and song singer; the one whose chubby little thumbs I used to want to hold and rub at bedtime. Proverbs 3: 12 tells us that a parent corrects their favourite child. This made me tear up as I recall times where I hardened my heart towards mum's correction out of pride and misunderstanding her intentions. I thought she didn't know me well enough. I thought she favoured my older sister. How skewed my thinking was!

Reading the verses above, I reflect on an email mum sent last March (enclosed below in grey). I am beginning to grasp the meaning behind the vision God gave her of me, a little more. At the presbytery our Church had in 2008, Prophetess Monet Jacks spoke about the knowledge I had accumulated over the years, that was sitting dormant in my mind. She felt God challenge me to begin to teach the Word and pass on the knowledge.

The source of my knowledge is rooted in my upbringing. I have my family to thank for loving and leading me in God's way. Sure there were times of conflict in my heart where I felt the "religion" was being thrust upon me and I was bound to a list of "do's and don't s". But in retrospect, I am grateful they built a God-related foundation within me.

There's a verse in the Bible that says if you teach your child in the ways of the Lord, they won't fall too far from it, or something along those lines. Naturally, that entails teaching them correctly. I think many parents misinterpret God's heart and end up suffocating, neglecting or even abusing their children, which is when you see kids of pastors or priests running as far from God as they can.

The pink pearls and necklace my mum writes of - I believe the central piece is God's wisdom. Proverbs teaches "wisdom is more valuable than precious jewels" and that "nothing we want compares with her".  I have been seeking after that "perfect job", a stable income and worldly success, all above God. Yet the truth is success comes with fearing the Lord (which brings wisdom) and living out His principles.

Mike Bickle, in his message on 'Beholding God's Beauty', explains that what we have available to us now under the new covenant is true liberty. Instead of pursuing daily success that is temporary, I can be pursuing liberty that comes from having the Holy Spirit dwelling in me. In the Old Testament, God's people had His anointing, prophecy, forgiveness of sins and witnessed His immeasurable power. But they didn't have access to the liberty we do. All it takes for us to experience the liberty is to engage and press into the Holy Spirit. Liberty is there as a gift waiting for us to grab hold of it with both hands and not let go.

We're not being handed a ticket to sin, which people tend to view as freedom, but access to know God's personality and goodness. God wants to reveal His emotions through His Word. He wants us to draw close and have intimacy with Him so we understand His intentions. It is hard to fully get someone's character if we keep them at arm's length.

It's not enough to know what God did in history or has been doing in our lives. He wants us to know why. The real reason is deep, unfailing love. Until we receive a clear, personal revelation of His love, we will probably live thinking our plans for life are better than His. We will probably continue thinking He's not that good. We will probably harbour bitterness when He doesn't cause things to go the way we expect or when He disciplines us or tries to bring adjustment.

I want a fresh, tangible encounter with God everyday. I have been devoted to many useless thoughts and desires but they have brought nothing but discouragement, disappointment and fear. Proverbs assures that wisdom "will help us to live a long and beautiful life. It will make us healthy and we will feel strong. We will walk safely and never stumble. We will rest without worry and sleep soundly. And we need not fear of sudden disaster for we can be sure the Lord will protect us from harm."

I saw you sitting at your table. Lying on the table were many loose pink pearls. You were looking at them and moving them around with your index finger. Occasionally you would pick up a pearl, study it more closely then put it down again. I wondered why you didn't pick them up and string them together into a necklace for yourself. 

I believe the pearls represent blessings that God has given/wants to give to you, personally, since they were pink in colour and lying on your table. These blessings may have come/will come in the form of events or happenings, persons, assurances, promises, prophecies, messages given through His Word and others. You see/hear/experience/know them, you shuffle them around at different times/seasons of your life and sometimes you even examine them more closely. God wants much more for you. He wants you to claim or appropriate these blessings for yourself - like never before.

Pick up the pearls, string them together and wear the necklace to ENHANCE or HEIGHTEN your spiritual beauty 

(a) That serenity that comes from complete trust in God
(b) That resilience to face the unknown or the uncertain with feet planted on solid ground
(c) That ability to accept limitations/handicaps beyond your control and work around them
(d) That purposefulness for His Kingdom's work 
(e) That transformed view of certain things which then adds to your joy and gives new meaning to your life
(f) That ability to dump past baggage at the foot of the cross and choose to walk away

As you realize MORE AND MORE that He who so blesses you with the pink pearls "is able to do immeasurably more than ALL we can ever ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us.." (Eph. 3:20)

My prayer for you has been simplified by this picture - that you will, in faith, appropriate the pearls as they come your way and live gloriously for yourself, your husband, children, family, friends, work colleagues and above all - your Lord.

(I am so blessed to have the mum I have...to have the family I have)

Related post

[Song: I Need You More by Bethel Church]

And I'm asking...

[Song by Nichole Nordeman: To Say Thanks]

...why, why, why, why...

Why there are so many couples and women who struggle with infertility, crying out through the heartache of not being able to conceive or of miscarriage, and enduring painful treatment and years of careless comments from others...while people who don't consider children to be gifts from God pop babies without so much as batting their eyelids. Why the people who abort their babies because it's an inconvenience, or worse, have them but then abuse them, or allow others to abuse them, are even bestowed such blessings.

I'm not talking about choosing to give a child up for adoption so they may have a better life and a brighter future, and I'm not condemning those who have fallen pregnant and chosen abortion because they were raped. And I understand we don't always make the wisest decisions, or have the strength and sense to know what to do when we face the consequences. I'm referring to people who treat children like trash, slaves or objects to be passed around for personal benefit. Why doesn't God place children in the care of the women and couples who will look after them responsibly and with love? Why does He not close the womb of the one who is going to hurt their child terribly instead of the one who will be a good parent and the one faithful to Him?

Lord, help me understand Your heart. Please. Just help me get it. I know You are faithful for You have been in my life and I am grateful for that. I thank You for Your provision and for Your unfailing love and grace towards my family and I. There is so much about the way You work that I just cannot comprehend and it's fine to be left baffled about certain things but the questions I have are in relation to areas I cannot reconcile with who I know You to be; with who You say You are in Your word. Please Lord. Help me understand. I know You want to be more important to me than the answers but I struggle to get close to You without knowing. 

Convicted

Image featured here

In this season of doubt, confusion and discouragement, I've neglected God and put His agenda by the wayside. I have wanted control, creature comforts and financial security. I have craved for stability and emotion fillers to satisfy my desire for intimacy, attention and affection. 

On Sunday the 22nd, we listened to a sermon that had been recorded during the morning service at the Brisbane branch of our Church. The message was about giving to the Lord and how having the right attitude and being free to give (not clutching onto our possessions) releases blessings over our life and advances God's kingdom because it's a direct and eternal investment.

The preaching convicted my heart, and this is rare as I usually don't walk away from a Sunday session feeling anything in particular or moved to action. I didn't take any notes. I just listened intently and remembered the days when I had chosen to build God's house before mine. When putting aside a certain amount of savings towards His purposes was a natural part of life, even if there were moments I felt the cost. I had sacrificed this healthy practice when I resigned from work and went into a whirlwind of worry, questioning and retreating within myself. 

During the message, I became convicted to lay a certain figure before God. This sum is by no means small, and more so given my present circumstances of having no income or job prospects (as far as I can see). I felt God remind me of His encouragement to not despise the days of small beginning and to place my trust in Him. God is faithful. He has always provided and it's no different now. He owns everything. My fears and anxiety have been my downfall over and over, and they have robbed me of peace, joy, hope and the ability to move forward and enjoy life and relationships. 

Honestly, I have no idea how I am going to come up with the money but God has told me not to lean on my own understanding of situations. I have no foresight when it comes to my future but He sees it all, has planned it all and is taking care of it all. I just have to walk as He presents each step. It's just a matter of moving one foot in front of the other at the pace He chooses. It is slow and steady and I need to learn to be patient and still so I don't fall over in my wanting to prance ahead.

Work has been frustrating, to say the least, but it's a stage of pioneering to birth something great. Something that will take off in a giant explosion at some point. Yes, it will. At some point. I am hoping really soon but again it's about trusting in God's perfect timing. 

It has been a drag without the vision, wisdom, creativity and passion. My heart has not been in many things. I don't even know where my heart is, really. I have not wanted to get up in the mornings, and have been living in a fantasy world. A place of escape created by my emotions. But my daydreams cannot carry me into my God-given destiny so I have to choose to live. Here. In reality. In the present. For the future. For God. For loved ones. I have to look beyond my desires and be faithful. I am responsible. 

I placed my Church building fund pledge in the box yesterday as this will hold me accountable to what I have set in my heart to give. There can be no room for that little voice telling me it's alright not to fulfil this. God, I am putting You to the test right now...just like You said to in Malachi 3: 10.

{Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.}

Lord, I remember Your word about the rain. About me trying to collect it in vats and not having enough to contain everything You were pouring out. You have spoken about fruitfulness so much over our Church, especially in recent months. We are believing for it and we don't want to be the hindrances to Your work. I know I limit You with my rigid thinking, so help me throw off the boundaries when it comes to perceiving and responding to You. 

God, I look to You. I have been weighed down but I don't want to be overwhelmed any more. Please give me Your love for others. Please give me vision and wisdom. Please give me passion for You, people and the Great Commission. Take away my selfishness; my pride. Take away my unbelief and unwillingness. Move my heart everyday towards You. Towards action. Renew my mind with the Word I've been reading. Change the way I feel about myself, life and others. I want to be more appreciative and loving. I want to be driven and resolute. I want to be crazy, sold out, in love with You! Yup. I want to shine. I want to be the best version of me. The way You intended for it to be. 

Finding You

Alice in Wonderland Poster

Again You spoke about entering Wonderland (Your promises and purposes). You said I'm hesitant to step into what You have for me. But I've just felt so lost, God. I don't know where I am in relation to what You've called me to. I don't feel prepared for anything yet I'm struggling in this place because I'm stuck. I don't know how to move forward with what I have at the moment. Work, finances, ministry, relationships, desires for things. I need to surrender everything and just lay at Your feet unencumbered by life. I want all the weight to be taken away so it's like floating on water with not a care in this world. Just peace. Quiet, tranquil lightness. 

You alone know the battles within. You see the raw emotions, You hear the cries. You understand the confusion and conflict. You beckon me closer but my back has been turned and I'm facing the web I put myself in. Only You know what "painfully honest" looks like from me. This here is not it. And You know that. I don't have it all together. In fact, I'm not sure what I do have together. But I have You. I have Fab, family, friends. I am blessed beyond measure. 

I've not been in a good place for a long time, though there have been days of growth. This past year and a half has been a different journey. In some ways breezy, in other ways an uneasy ride. I need to be matured. I want to make the right decisions. Help me find the determination to do that so I can step into a new season. Help me have the strength of conviction so my emotions don't drag me down. I want to toss away my insecurities and reach for Your hand. I want these chains of empty living gone once and for all. God, I need You. I don't want to keep justifying the past or feeling like I need to prove something to someone. I just want to be free. I want to love with a heart that's pure and with hands that are clean. I've sinned. Gravely. And I need You to wash me and take me to higher ground.

Lord, there is more. You've been speaking of fruitfulness. What does that look like? Father, I need Your passion for people. For the Great Commission. For everything I'm doing. I want a fire in my belly that shines through my eyes. I want to be fully alive for the first time! I want to know what it's like to be lost in Your presence and have nothing but hope and joy. I want to be unbound from possessions and material comfort. From wealth and desirable experiences. I long to be free. Change me, Lord. Change me. Help me fight these thoughts. They've been inflicted day and night. I have been weak and have succumbed to their lies. Restore my true identity in You. Lead me by the heart. Let us walk together again. I want intimacy. I need intimacy. With You.

Lord, I come into Your presence

I enter in with open arms

Come renew my mind, my spirit

I will overcome

Cause I know

It's your touch

On my life

Makes me whole

To feel You near

Is the longing of my soul

Come again

Saturate my heart

Come again

To these arms open wide

Come again

This is my cry

That I won't let You pass me by

Come again

(From the album Unspeakable Joy)

A Beautiful Exchange

I attended Kudzi's home group on Wednesday night. I asked her later when driving home if it was bad to say I hadn't felt touched by God like that for quite some time in our Church. She said we can sometimes get too comfortable in a familiar environment, which is true. I wondered also if it was because there was nothing required of me there - no expectations of a certain level of maturity or character, no tasks to fulfil or role to live out. I could simply go to worship and receive. If this is the case, I need to make some adjustments because I should be able to connect with God anywhere.

Another highlight of the night was being prayed over for healing. Pastor Greg got a word from God about someone with a pain in their neck (particularly down the right side), like an axis had gone through it. He asked if anyone identified with that and I sheepishly raised my right hand to my ear after no one responded. I stepped forward and he proclaimed complete healing over me, praying that my body would be aligned to the Word of God. I found that interesting as I didn't mention my spine was misaligned from a car accident several years ago. I've been suffering from pain since, more so down the right side of my body - from the base of my head to the tips of my fingers. I've also been bugging God for total relief.

Although I cannot know for certain if my spinal chord has indeed been set back into place and all affected areas healed, I am believing it. I am believing that it has been done as God promised on Wednesday night. He called me out after all. I didn't ask for anything that night. I was simply touched by His presence and quietly wept during the worship. He offered to heal me. He extended His love and grace. I believe there is more mobility in my neck. There is still some stiffness and pain but what was proclaimed was 100% healing. Pastor Greg declared I would be free of pain. So I am going to believe it. I cannot always hope for things to be instant. This is the test of my faith. Will I doubt? Will I complain? Will I get impatient? Or will I say, "Yes and Amen! Thank You Lord!" and walk in the promise.

We sang the song A Beautiful Exchange by Hillsong Church that night. It spoke to my heart. Father, I am trading  my pain, unrighteousness, frustrations, and worries for Your promises, for Your perfect love that drives out all fear, for Your holiness. I want to let go of the anger, bitterness and resentment in my heart Father. I want to be filled with Your Spirit. 

Taipei Exchange

I like the concept of this movie. It also got me dreaming again about owning a stationery/book/cafe type place with lots of cute and pretty things that make me happy. A store with great lighting and cosy sofas and beautiful wall decals and super yummy drinks and desserts like Tiramisu, New York Baked Cheesecake, Chocolate Eclairs, Berry Tarts, Chiffons, Danish Pastries, Souffles, Brownies and Creme Brulee (most of which are sold in Daughter's Cafe, which still stands after it was created for the film). You can view photos of the cafe's interior here. I like the open-plan kitchen design and the colour scheme. 

What Doris (the main character) said in the movie inspires me to travel more to create my own stories to share with others, stories about the experiences I've had...instead of living vicariously through others (their photos, their adventures).

[Song and scenes from the movie]

Beautiful, Beautiful Day!

[Cue song: Beautiful Day by U2]

Perfect weather, gorgeous white sandy beach, the clearest water...bliss. Fab and I had lunch at Grill'd  on Marine Parade, along Coolangatta beach. The burgers (mine being the "Hot Mama" and Fab's "The Full Minty") were super yum! If I ever bake a bunch of potato chips (or fries, if you prefer), I'm definitely going to sprinkle them with dried rosemary and sea salt. 

I went prancing in the cool water and dragged Fab along because it was just too wonderful to resist. It didn't matter my three-quarter grey pants were getting drenched, I was too taken in. We sat on giant rocks to dry and stare into the amazing expanse of blue, green, aqua and turquoise, watching the white swirls and majestic waves breaking as they rushed towards the shore, carrying a string of skilled surfers sporting a bronze tan. One guy's board broke in half, which probably signalled it was time for him to just swim or head home.

It's a pity I didn't have my camera with me and I can't find a photo on the web that does the scenery justice.

Fab made pork chops for dinner, Jamie Oliver style. We have one of his cookbooks, courtesy of Belle who gifted it on my birthday a couple of years ago. Delicious! Fab glazed them with honey and mustard and served them with apple sauce and garlic beans. He even made some crackling.

Rain and Narnia

My soul longs for You - Jesus Culture

"I believe You will come like the rain...revival rain...pour out Your spirit on this dry and parched land..." Lord, may my heart be ready to receive You, to be part of Your move. Bring the rain to wash away our sins, cleanse our hearts, renew our minds, and refresh us. May all oppression and darkness be drowned out so this land may be made new again. So we may be made whole.

God, I want to be seeking You always, with wholehearted devotion and purity, so I may see You. I want to know You and be sensitive to Your presence - know where You are, where You are going, what You are doing - and keep pace with You. I want to be so close with You. Take Your place Lord. Be enthroned for this land is Yours. We are Your children. We will dwell with You in Your kingdom forever.

Fab and I saw The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian on television, Saturday night. It was my second time watching the movie but on this occasion, a few things stood out. One, Lucy's relationship with Aslan. Lucy was the believer. The one with the child-like faith. Some may put it down to age but it takes maturity to keep our faith in God like that of a child's - full of hope, wonder and innocence. She had her questions but she never doubted.

Lucy found Narnia first. She took hold of it with all her heart and passionately shared the truth she discovered. In this second Narnian installment, she saw Aslan when the others did not. When asked why he did not see, Lucy suggested that Peter was not looking.

In the same vein, we do not see God when we do not search for Him or desire a personal encounter. Still, He is there, waiting and longing for us to know His heart and come close. Aslan had his reasons for waiting until a certain time to reveal himself again. There are times it appears God is in hiding, but He is all the while in control of everything and asks that we trust in His perfect plan and timing though we may not understand His thoughts and ways.

When Aslan finally met with Lucy, towards the end of the show, she rushed forward to embrace him. There was no awkwardness between them and no question as to whether he would receive her with as much excitement and adoration. The others were not so bold. When they crossed the river, Peter, Susan and Edmond immediately fell to one knee in reverence before Aslan. Lucy revered him but her relationship with Aslan was deeply personal and unrestrained as well. She knew Aslan as a king, protector and deliverer but also as a close companion. Perhaps the others knew they had wronged him in some way. Peter, for one, held disbelief in his heart. He took matters into his own hands and sought justice carelessly, which led to the deaths of many.

Do we realise that while God is worthy of awe in His sovereignty, majesty, power and righteousness, He is loving like a good father, intimate like a faithful lover, and fun like a best friend? If we bring our sins to Him in humility, He is quick to forgive and restore. We do not have to stay away out of guilt and shame.

In speaking of Peter, the second lesson I gained was to do with character. Peter was arrogant and impulsive. He never appreciated his younger brother, who was always supporting him, and he did not listen to others. He started out convinced of his ability to lead and make wise decisions but later realised his pride caused many to sacrifice their lives unnecessarily.

I know God is entrusting me with His Word and plans, so the question is, will I be a good steward? I cannot accomplish anything on my own terms or on my own understanding and strength. I must keep my eyes focused on God and not the circumstances. I need to allow God to change my heart so that I act out of genuine love and not self centredness.

Love, as I learnt at a recent church conference, is a character and not just an action. If I praise God's name and do good works before people but have not love, my deeds amount to nothing. My decisions in life have serious ramifications whether I acknowledge this or not. I want to fulfill my God-given destiny, enable others to do so, and leave a godly legacy for the generations to come.

The movie also highlighted the importance of timing and perseverance. When God gives direction, there is often a period of preparation and training. However, I tend to forget this and run ahead with the vision. I make plans and life choices and go about my business without consulting God further. I then get frustrated and disappointed when I don't see God bring about the outcome.

If I stay close to God every step of the way, I will realise that He needs to equip me first and this cannot be done overnight. Heart issues need to be addressed, knowledge and skills need to be gained. I need time to seek Him for greater revelation and wisdom and position myself to receive the blueprint before proceeding. I need to let His agenda become mine and fully align myself with His will so I am partnering with anticipation and not following grudgingly. This requires laying aside my selfish desires and fears, and committing my future to Him. It is a season of choosing Him over dreams that do not have eternal value.

It can often seem as though we labour for a long time before we experience the fruits and get to enjoy what God has in store. Yet it is in these hours that we need to persevere, reminding ourselves of God's character and ability to make whatever He has promised happen. Aslan came through for the Narnians in the end. We may wonder why he waited so long to help but victory was gained, lessons were learnt, characters were matured, weaknesses were overcome, and all was redeemed and restored.

Another point on timing was made at the end where Aslan stated that Peter and Susan would not return in the future as they had learnt all they could from Narnia. Although it can be difficult to move on from where we are at times, God works in seasons, so in life we face seasons of refining, seasons of favour and blessings, seasons of rest and seasons of establishing what He has given us to work on (likened to the assembling of an IKEA flat pack - perhaps I will touch on the sermon with this illustration another day).

Our church is moving into a season of fruitfulness, and I am very excited about this. The key is for me to not lose connection with God in the hype of everything that will be taking place next year.

I could

I could wonder if I missed a given opportunity;
whether I was meant to take that content writing course
or some other form of study or prepare myself in some other way.

I could blame myself for all the videos watched,
which have probably killed a few brain cells.

I could get narky at the glass and wooden floorboards
that refuse to be free of white streaks.

I could question the point of my existence,
and spend hours in bed contemplating if I should bother getting up.

I could devise a plan to run away from my life,
and all I've ever known as a way of escaping my mistakes.

I could, but I won't. Well, not anymore at least.

I missed the exit onto the motorway back to the Gold Coast while driving home from the Brisbane airport. The roadworks threw me slightly and there was no way to turn back. I figured I would follow the city route home, which meant not having to pay a toll fee anyway. After finding myself in the Northern suburbs, I realised I should have followed the road towards Eagle Farm instead. Still, it wasn't a huge detour. I was soon on the Inner City Bypass heading for the Pacific Highway. There was no reason to hurry so I chose not to get angry at myself as I usually do under such circumstances.

The roundabout trip home got me thinking about the mistakes I have made in life. Mistakes more costly than simply taking a wrong turn on the road. It is not that I pin-pointed specific blunders or poor choices, but I reflected on how God's love and grace cover our wrongs. My slow judgement on the road meant a longer journey and a little extra on fuel, but it only took an additional seven minutes (maybe I was driving like a maniac). There was still a way back. Signs to where I was supposed to go.

Although I have failed to make the right decisions in life, hindering growth and progress, God has found a way to work with these errors. After all, He knew from the start I would be making them. I would be lying if I said I don't have regrets, or worry if I have disqualified myself from certain good things. But, mulling over the past only costs me more time and energy. It takes my attention away from what God is establishing in the here and now. It's like driving with my focus fixated on the rear view mirror and not on the road in front.

God is bigger than my mistakes. I can learn from past ones. I admit to being concerned about the future but that is where the trust comes in. I'm just afraid I'll not hear Him and lose out. I don't want to get to the end and realise it was all my fault. I've yet to become so attuned to God's voice. But I don't just want to stick to God so that my life will turn out great and I'll make something of myself. I want to stick with Him because I love Him. Maybe then will my anxiety of missing His best disappear. Actually, I stand corrected. Knowing and loving Him gives me everything. I should see nothing more valuable than that. Not any other blessing.

No doubt, it is difficult to plan ahead when there are variables I cannot control. Yet failing to plan equates to planning to fail. What I can do is put into place events and activities I have knowledge of. At this stage, God has not stopped us from moving back to Singapore, so we have worked out a logical time frame for this. Then there are the three weddings to attend, so these have been locked into the calendar and holiday plans have been made. Flights have been booked. Research is underway.

If God's higher thoughts and ways allow for an "unforeseen" situation to arise, I will just need to learn to let Him make the big decisions. My plans should always be flexible in view of His will. Sometimes, it is just hard to let go and hand over the reins. But I cannot deny that God has been incredibly good and faithful. He does not upset our agenda simply because He gets bored and figures it'll provide some form of entertainment. There is always a greater purpose even if I cannot see it.

I often get mad when things do not go my way but God is teaching me humility and patience. Lessons like that are not gained when warning of an upheaval is given ahead of time. It is in that sudden moment of realising the situation is out of my hands that I am strongly persuaded to consider who holds my future. And who holds my future loves me with an everlasting love. That is all I need to know.

Right now, I commit my fears to You, Lord. I give over these negative thoughts. The discouragement that so easily sets in. I am contending for peace, for joy, for hope. Open my eyes, ears and heart to what You are doing in my life and around the world. Help me grasp the reason for this season and to not let it go to waste. Allow me to be a testimony. Help me understand how much of this I'm supposed to make happen and how much of this You're supposed to make happen so I don't confuse our roles.

Don't let me walk away from Your soft prompting. Don't let me build this relationship on fear and worry. I choose not to be offended or disappointed when it initially appears You have "disrupted" my plans. Yours are best. They always have been and always will be. Please forgive me for the times I have blamed You and cursed inside, and failed to appreciate Your heart's intentions.

Your Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

[Song: Power of Your Love by Don Moen]

It doesn't have to be

Following God doesn't have to be a head game. Yet it often is for me. The battlefield of the mind. The warring thoughts, the tugging emotions. Swaying now to the left, and now to the right.

David Gray sings (in Babylon), "Let go of your heart, let go of your head. And feel it now." Jenn Johnson from Bethel Church incorporated this when worshipping with the song "I love Your presence" by Anthony Skinner. She took the lines "And if you want it, come and get it, crying out loud. The love that I was giving you was never in doubt" from David, singing "And if you want it, come and get it, crying out loud. The love that He has (referring to God) given you is never in doubt".

We were made for abandonment. To experience freedom. But we hold back out of fear. The fear of others' opinions. Some of us are told that expressing praise through the extension of our hands,clapping, bowing, kneeling, dancing (even if it appears uncoordinated and uncool), jumping, shouting triumphantly, the use of instruments and the like is undignified and unnecessary. Others view such acts as cult-like. "Fanatics", they brand us. Yet it's "anything goes" at a rock concert, club or sports game.

People lose themselves in alcohol and drugs. They yell profanity and abuse one another. This has become a norm in various societies. People putting themselves aside to focus on the infallible God (not a fallible heavy metal band leader or business guru or rugby star) and connect with Him, however, is counted insane, weak, foolish.

Where is the logic in that?

When asked why we awkwardly stand and observe the worship in church, or simply choose to stay solemnly still without entering into God's presence, do we respond with, "Well, God knows my heart", "I have an introverted personality", "I don't feel like it", "This is Church"?

Do we truly grasp how much God loves us? Do we recognise He is the only one worthy of our complete worship and devotion, that He's the only one who can carry our burdens? That if we don't praise God, who only has our best interests in mind, we will consciously or unconsciously praise someone or something else? Our passivity robs us of our destiny. Our calling can only be achieved through our wholehearted response.

If it feels like God doesn't show up, it's because we haven't honestly given Him an invitation or room to sit with us.

We're blinded and deceived because the enemy knows if we figure out the truth, we will have the power of God working in and through our lives. That there will be genuine rest, peace, joy (and so strength), hope, healing, purity, boldness, victory, unity and salvation.

Are we willing to give Him a chance to show Himself real in our lives?

Perhaps I wait for that one incredible personal encounter with God, thinking that I will then naturally respond with total surrender. But perhaps God waits for me to choose surrender, despite whatever is going on in my life or how stupid I feel I look, before revealing what I've been missing out on. 

He has held nothing back from me but there is so much in store I have yet to receive and experience because of my own choices. He does not hide treasures from me but for me to find and revel in.

He doesn't play games that taunt and tease us, so why do we? Why do we bargain and blame, and make empty promises?

Following God does require our heads. It is perfectly logical. God is intellectual and He's made us intellectual. In fact, He's given us wonderful minds. He did not create robots or defected goods. We do not throw away our wisdom and blindly obey. We obey because we know it is the wisest decision. We've worked out He is good and can be trusted, even if uncertainty lies ahead. We exert the effort to consciously throw off the negative thoughts and feelings that hinder (so in this regard, we are "letting go of our heart and head"). The thoughts that take our voice and press on our hands and feet so hard we cannot move.  

(Reflections on this song and my current read: The Great Connection by Bonnie Deuschle)