I've been reading a book I bought recently called Hands Free Mama. It's teaching me to evaluate the way I treat you, Papa and other people in my life. It's teaching me to re-prioritise so that I am focusing on what truly matters in life. You and Papa truly matter. Although I've only been taking it in a few pages at a time, I have been prompted each time to reflect on my attitude as your Mama and like the author says, "the truth hurts but the truth also heals". The truth of how I have been kind of stinks to be honest.
I can't help but remember the times I have raised my voice out of stress, not knowing what to do, impatience and frustration due to selfishness. Every time I recall the way I have yelled at or smacked you, and your expression in response, I cry. I cried yesterday afternoon while reading as you napped beside me and I cried last night after you had gone to sleep and I lay in the dark thinking. I am so sorry for the times I have hurt you and it feels like I can never be sorry enough. I keep praying you will still grow up secure and whole and not be damaged by what I have said and done. I don't want you to think it's alright to speak and behave the way I have. I don't want you to think reacting out of emotions and carrying on is normal or even acceptable. I don't want you to become self absorbed, impatient and easily angered like me.
You are such a sweet and loving little girl and I just love your cuddles and kisses. You have a tender heart and are sensitive to when I am not in a good state. I burst into tears and lost my temper at Papa in KMart some weekends back (which is a story for another time), and as I was ranting as to why I was so upset, you became really affected and repeatedly called out from the shopping trolley, "Mama, are you ok? Are you ok Mama?" I didn't respond immediately, which greatly elevated your concern. As soon as I started to calm down, I quickly lifted you out and you gave me the warmest embrace and kept checking if I was alright. I told you I was angry at Papa but that everything would be fine and carried you all the way to the car park, a feat in itself with my large pregnant belly and bad back. Papa stayed silent as we walked through the large mall and he kept quiet during the one-hour journey home. I began worrying about the example we were setting for you but by that evening you could see that all was well again.
The book is challenging me to take small steps towards being more present and encouraging because the people I call my loved ones should know I love them. My words should not be empty but backed by action that reinforces truth. You and Papa need to hear and believe that I mean it when I say you both matter. One of the things I want to consciously work on is not hurrying you all the time. The author of the book I am reading made a life transforming decision that revolutionised her parenting methods and started the Hands Free phenomenon. She wrote about the turning point here. What could possibly be so important that I cannot let you be a child anyway? And if my excuse is that we are running late, well then it's my responsibility to ensure there is proper time management so you don't have to be rushed. It isn't right that I harrass you when I can be more organised and plan the morning better.
It also isn't fun or inspiring if I keep harping on the mess I say you have created rather than letting you explore, fully enjoy an activity or just be a kid. Many "messes" have been made simply because I haven't put thought into managing the situation so you will succeed. You are still young and aren't as coordinated and developed to handle certain things so I need to cater to where you are at instead of expecting you to follow my perfectionist standards. And if it's a matter of you not listening, I need to approach discipline in a way that is loving and effective and not just rely on emotional tactics.
My dear little darling, I promise I will endeavour to be the Mama you deserve and not just give in to how I feel or the circumstances. I'm going to work on my connectedness with Papa too as this will make a huge positive difference to our family. I don't want to let the precious moments pass us by especially while you are still little. I will make the time to give you undivided attention even when Micah is around and I know you will be such a great little helper because that's just who you are.
I love you my sweet pumpkin,
your Mama
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