It took a long time for me to fall asleep last night. I was having a headache and for some reason, my next door neighbour's snoring was louder than usual. I eventually dozed off only to have a dream that got me thinking this morning. The people in the dream were not familiar to me except for my pastor's wife. We were in a prayer meeting as far as I could tell. Someone stood up and started yelling and carrying on. He or she (I don't recall the exact details) began to create chaos in the meeting so I stepped forward and said, "In Jesus's name, be still". The demon-possessed person turned around, and staring me in the eyes smugly replied, "I don't know you". Immediately I knew what he meant. There's a passage in the Bible where Jesus talks about people will try to cast out demons yet the demons will not flee as the people have no authority, no power. The demons recognise Moses and Abraham but not them. They try to act in the name of Jesus but they lack the relationship with God. They lack the obedience in living life according to God's word and will. My pastor's wife looked at me in the dream and explained that I had compromised my relationship with God. The question that confronted me was , "Is God going to 'recognise' you when everything comes to an end? Will He accept me into His kingdom with open arms as a "good and faithful servant", as His daughter and friend?"
I walked into our fortnightly prayer meeting this morning feeling a little apprehensive. I knew that there is a distance in my heart between God and myself. My passion for God has been waning since years back. There are times the zeal and desire to serve Him wholeheartedly just does not seem to exist when all I can see are a list of things to do, responsibilities I have at work, in church, at home. When ministry becomes all about the doing and I lose sight of the reason for serving. Sure, there are times of real connection. Times where a glimpse of excitement and love for my Maker surfaces. I know how much I need Him in my life. In fact, I know that everything I am depends on Him. But there are times of struggle. There are times of complacency and seasons of feeling like I'm just running on empty. The state of my relationship with God is a result of my own choices. Yet I often attribute it to circumstances, to fears I claim I can't overcome. I sometimes cry out to God to place the desire to serve Him in my heart. I know I can't create it myself but I do need to make the effort to work on the relationship everyday. It takes love, commitment and discipline. And those are elements I sometimes find lacking in my life.
The worship swirled around me and I stood still listening to the voices. Occasionally I opened my eyes and observed different ones expressing their love for God through song, through raising their hands, through quiet prayer. I was standing on the outside of it all. Part of me wanted to worship. Part of me lagged behind. "You're too tired. You don't feel well. It's going to be the same as it's always been...". I God say, "Don't harden your heart, don't harden your heart" My pastor's wife stepped forward and encouraged us to press into God's presence. To give Him glory. To remember where our focus should be. It's not about feeling good, being soothed, having our wants met. No, we are made to praise God, to worship Him, to glorify His name. We were made to have a deep, personal relationship with God. She read the passage that speaks about God telling the church not to be lukewarm. God wanted to 'spit them out of His mouth because they were neither hot nor cold'.
The worship swirled around me and I stood still listening to the voices. Occasionally I opened my eyes and observed different ones expressing their love for God through song, through raising their hands, through quiet prayer. I was standing on the outside of it all. Part of me wanted to worship. Part of me lagged behind. "You're too tired. You don't feel well. It's going to be the same as it's always been...". I God say, "Don't harden your heart, don't harden your heart" My pastor's wife stepped forward and encouraged us to press into God's presence. To give Him glory. To remember where our focus should be. It's not about feeling good, being soothed, having our wants met. No, we are made to praise God, to worship Him, to glorify His name. We were made to have a deep, personal relationship with God. She read the passage that speaks about God telling the church not to be lukewarm. God wanted to 'spit them out of His mouth because they were neither hot nor cold'.
I responded to the call for prayer. I want a fire for God within me. I know it's not about feelings and emotions at the end of the day. There is effort required to read and study God's word, to delve deep into the truth, to apply it to my daily life. I left the prayer meeting knowing there was not much of a stirring in my heart for change. Apathy had set in again. But I don't want to leave my heart in this state. There has to be more than this. I don't want to feel like I'm living in a competition, trying to play the part to get into heaven. I want to have a genuine relationship with my Maker. I want to be one of those people who are completely 'sold out' for God. No reservations. No weird inhibitions. Just a deep love, pure heart and clean hands. A life that exemplifies Christ.
I want God to recognise me as His child because I lived that way.
I want God to recognise me as His child because I lived that way.
1 comment:
Hi Jos!
I think the passage you are referring to is Acts 19:13-16. These "Jews", who were going around trying to cast out demons, were not believers in Christ - it's pretty clear they were throwing His Name around as an incantation, and they got taught a lesson. I wouldn't fear that you are in that category!
However, I can relate to exactly what you feel, about how our passion and commitment to Christ can seem to wane at times, and our devotional life gets crowded out. That has really been the theme of my last 3 entries, but if you read my post of yesterday, it is Christ who initiates and pursues us back into that place of close fellowship. The cry of your heart is the echoing of His calling to you. Be encouraged, sister! His mercies are new every morning....and it is this gentle and patient attribute of His character that draws us back to Him.
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