Trust and Obey

I learnt a song about that in Sunday School...something about "Trust and Obey...for that is the way...". I remember it now as I reflect on what God's been speaking to me (and a number of people in my church, which ended up being a confirmation for me) on the area of obedience. More specifically, He pointed me to the passage in 1 Samuel 13 where Saul disobeyed what God had instructed. He relied instead on his own reasoning and even tried to justify his actions, claiming that he had done as the Lord had told him. In verse 20 it says, "But Samuel replied: Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of he Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice and to heed is better than the fat of rams."

There have been many times where I have consciously gone against what I know in my heart to be the right thing before God. Why? Often because I choose what is more convenient, what my natural reaction to the situation is. Take for example the matter of gossiping or even thinking ill of those who are in authority over me. I may not agree with their leadership or management style. I may disagree with the way they treat certain individuals. But still God desires humility and a pure heart on my part. Why should I allow my judgement cloud someone else's perspective of the person? Or why should I perpetuate an existing poor attitude amongst those around me who feel the same way towards the person? Am I not able to choose to place my judgements aside and focus on the strengths of that individual, and go the extra step by encouraging the others to do likewise?

And when I fail to respond to the soft prompting in my heart, when I end up blowing my feelings out of proportion and exaggerate in my description of a situation or person or simply over react, I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt. It may not be there straight away. In fact sometimes the reality of what I have done does not sink in until days later, often during a prayer meeting or at church when the Holy Spirit gently brings my attention to the moment I professed my disdain. Sometimes the incident replays in my mind in a hazy series of images. God never tries to bring guilt into the picture. He just wants me to evaluate myself. I feel guilt tugging slightly because of my pride and my lack of understanding of God's grace. Pride because often I am more concerned about whether others will eventually clue onto my failure to fully live out Christian values. I worry about the opinions of others, their perception of me. Yes, I may be temporarily accepted by the world that does the exact same thing. But what if my sins were exposed for what they are? What if my life were to be played out on a screen and I was asked to give an account for every careless word that I had ever spoken. Again my angst is over what people watching that movie of my life will think. Who wants to have their life aired out for all to see, for all to scrutinise. Perhaps some do. Perhaps they feel no sense of shame whatsoever. But I would. I would definitely feel ashamed. My motivation though is clearly wrong. How much of me wants to be right before God because I love Him? How much of me is simply wanting to get away with whatever I can, or is more interested in playing sides so I am in a favourable position before all? I do not intend to manipulate anyone. Yet there are times I wonder if my insecurity and desire to be a people-pleaser, so I will not get hurt in any way, is causing me to compromise. I don't have to join in conversations where I know gossip will arise. I don't have to start such a conversation or stir up further talk with probing questions or leading comments. But there are times I do. I don't want to feel left out. I want to be seen as a normal person. I want to be liked. Funnily enough, I also want to stand out in some sense. There is the desire to be salt and light yet not to the extent of putting myself in a position where I might be rejected.

In response to my guilt, I may try to compensate in some ways. I do ask for forgiveness but as I keep repeating the same sin, the same mistakes, I sometimes take the stance that if I were to, say, not short change God by tithing generously, that would somehow make up for things or balance things out a little. Yes, I know it doesn't work that way. One cannot buy their way into heaven or skip true repentance and life transformation. It is a useless attempt to take the easy way out. As the Word says, it is by grace that we have been saved, not by human efforts. It's not that making sacrifices is not appreciated by God. In fact, obedience will often cost us something. There will be some level of sacrifice. But when we make a sacrifice as some form of peace offering or give something to God out of the wrong attitude and heart condition, it counts for pretty much nothing. Look at how God was grieved with Cain's offering of what one might call spoils or leftovers. He did not give his best and his all to God. Saul, when instructed not to leave anyone alive in the city he was meant to destroy, and not to take anything away, decided to spare one man and keep the good animals. We may question God's character in the first place, and think it cruel that He should desire for a whole city to be eliminated. I mean He specifically told Saul to kill every man, woman, child and animal. How different is that to armies taking lives of villages today? There is so much to understand about God's heart though, and about how things were under the old covenant and are since He sent His Son Jesus to die for our sins and establish a new covenant. So having said that, I will not delve into this.

Saul did not trust that God knew exactly what He was doing, that He knew exactly what was best. As a result, Saul faced severe consequences. And so did Cain. When God brought me to the passage in 1 Samuel, He challenged me to give my entire heart to Him. To not hesitate in approaching the One who loves me. To not hold back certain areas of my life out of pride and fear (lack of faith). God asked me to place my trust solely in Him. To choose obedience over peace offerings after crossing the line. To see that His plans are to prosper me and not to harm me though I still fail to understand why He allows Christian girls and women to be raped. Ok, so that was an extreme thought. But I can't get thoughts like that out of my mind. They may not always be in the forefront but they're there. Taunting me. Making me doubt. Making me try to comprehend God in human terms. That will never work though because He's God and I'm tinier than a microscopic organism in comparison. All I know is my life is a dot in eternity. Pain and suffering may feel like forever here on earth but God will never allow me to go through more than He will enable me to bear. Yes, the pain may seem so unnecessary to me. I may wonder why it has to be this way and may even think God is cruel as He allows it for His own glory. But I must remember that at the end of everything, He also works all things (the good, the bad and the ugly) for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.

Will I continue to shut His small, still voice out and numb my conscience, or will I simply choose to obey. It starts small. First it will be, 'Jocelyn, are you going to verbally express your disapproval of your manager or a student to your colleagues?' 'Are you going to keep gossiping?' Things that I have complete control over. Then it may grow to, 'Jocelyn, will you look after a group of five young women who need to be taught the truth? Will you invest your time in their lives because I love them and have placed rich deposits of my Word in your heart for such a time as this?' Then it may be, 'Jocelyn, will you allow me to work in Fab's (my husband) life and call him to greater heights if this means you will not be able to spend as much time with him?' 'Will you let him go (in your heart) so he may serve me fully and even be a martyr for my name?' or 'Will you go with Fab to ... to start a church?' and finally, 'Jocelyn, will you lay your life down for me even if it means you will be tortured for the sake of the gospel?' I keep looking to the large questions, that may not even be asked in the way I imagine. To the ones that are far too overwhelming for me now. But I am getting carried away. I have to start small. I have to start with where I am at in life. Where God has placed me and look at what He has given me stewardship over. I need to look at what I can control and manage for now and be faithful in this. The one who is faithful with little will be entrusted with more, and when that happens, God will equip them for the more.