I'm physically drained and sleep deprived but as I sit here at my office desk trying to keep my head in an upright position, and my back from caving in from the aching, I'm reflecting on the weekend's Church Conference: Exponential - Multiplying Christ-like People. I'm thankful to say I had a mini breakthrough on Friday night. Prior to that, I had been carrying an emotional weight that had compounded from a falling out the week before. I was already feeling rather stretched mentally and emotionally so when the incident took place, I cracked somewhat. It eventuated with me being angry, frustrated, hurt and wanting to just drop everything and get away from my daily routine and responsibilities for a little while, not to mention to avoid the other party involved. I wanted the space to evaluate what on earth I was doing with my life and where all my engagements were heading. "Is this what God really wants me to be doing? I'm running on empty here, I've got nothing to give. Where did my passion for God, His people and His work dissipate to?" My heart was heavy, my mind was spinning and after receiving an email from said other party, I felt ill. Literally.
"This is ridiculous", I told myself. I know what harbouring unforgiveness does to me. I know my true spiritual condition. That person does not because I never let on what I was really thinking or feeling about various matters and ministry on the whole. Our personalities are different, we operate differently. We have different priorities and different communication styles. I just needed to see this as a learning curve and not be a baby about it. I finally sat myself down, bit the bullet and constructed a very lengthy email. A very honest and open lengthy email. I shared what was on my mind and heart. Issues that I have, to this point, only revealed to Fab. It was necessary in this particular situation. I felt misunderstood because there was little for the person to draw a conclusion with. All this while I pushed along to not fall out of sync with everyone else in ministry. I knew I was struggling but I went with the flow. And sure enough, things fell apart. I needed the person to know where I was coming from, where I am at with life in general. Hours passed and I finally felt ready to hit the 'send' button. I left my office that night feeling a release of built-up tension in my heart. For the first time in years, I enjoyed worshipping God at the conference. The time there refreshed me. In fact the whole conference was encouraging, inspiring and challenging so I will share more at a later time.
We spoke on Saturday afternoon. My email had been read. Reconciliation followed mutual apologies and the recognition that we were now on the same page again. We talked for a good hour. I experienced a "little win" that day, in the words of the other party. I had finally taken the step to do what was needed; to do what was right before God and the person. And let me just tell you what a relief that was.
"This is ridiculous", I told myself. I know what harbouring unforgiveness does to me. I know my true spiritual condition. That person does not because I never let on what I was really thinking or feeling about various matters and ministry on the whole. Our personalities are different, we operate differently. We have different priorities and different communication styles. I just needed to see this as a learning curve and not be a baby about it. I finally sat myself down, bit the bullet and constructed a very lengthy email. A very honest and open lengthy email. I shared what was on my mind and heart. Issues that I have, to this point, only revealed to Fab. It was necessary in this particular situation. I felt misunderstood because there was little for the person to draw a conclusion with. All this while I pushed along to not fall out of sync with everyone else in ministry. I knew I was struggling but I went with the flow. And sure enough, things fell apart. I needed the person to know where I was coming from, where I am at with life in general. Hours passed and I finally felt ready to hit the 'send' button. I left my office that night feeling a release of built-up tension in my heart. For the first time in years, I enjoyed worshipping God at the conference. The time there refreshed me. In fact the whole conference was encouraging, inspiring and challenging so I will share more at a later time.
We spoke on Saturday afternoon. My email had been read. Reconciliation followed mutual apologies and the recognition that we were now on the same page again. We talked for a good hour. I experienced a "little win" that day, in the words of the other party. I had finally taken the step to do what was needed; to do what was right before God and the person. And let me just tell you what a relief that was.
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