It is difficult

Nahum 1: 7 says "the Lord is good. He is a refuge in times of trouble and He cares for those who trust in Him."

God does not will for His people to suffer, yet since the Fall, we live in a world controlled by the devil. Still, nothing can happen to us that is not first allowed by God. Right? Nothing takes place outside of His knowledge and ability to make good because He is sovereign over all.

If God's promise to love and protect extends to all who choose to believe in Him, and even those who do not yet know Him or have not made a decision to invite Him into their lives, how does He decide when to hold back? Or does He not make this choice?

It is difficult to get my head around the difference between what I see in the world and what I have experienced for myself. Perhaps I am blessed as my family knows and follows God. Perhaps I am walking in the fruits of their daily decision to love and serve Him. Perhaps they have done the hard work over past generations, and I am revelling in the spiritual blessings.

There are those, however, who live apart from God until one amazing encounter causes them to look at Him with a new perspective. Maybe they survive a car crash, escaping miraculously without a scratch. Maybe they are bitter about life's circumstances and are invited to a church service by a close friend, where they are touched by God's presence and someone's testimony.

It seems like we're the lucky ones. The ones who are somehow bestowed more grace. But I know this is not true. I know God has no favourites. He loves us all. Does He give everyone the same level of chance to respond though? Does everyone get a fair go in knowing How much He cares?

I was born into a loving family that instilled strong moral and ethical values, and has given me an incredible life. On the same day, a girl somewhere in the world was probably birthed into a home of brokenness and violence. To parents who let her live, only to abuse and exploit her. If someone were to walk up to her one day to share about God's grace, would she not question how a God who claims to love her so deeply could let her hurt so much?

Why does the goodness I have experienced not extend to everyone else with the same measure or more? Why does the Bible tell us that He is our protector and deliverer at the same time it confirms we may suffer for our faith? Do these passages talk about two different things? Is this a part of God's timing?

If God can choose to intervene in one person's life, and save them from assault, why does He appear to turn away when the same thing is about to happen to another? I know it grieves Him terribly to see His children in pain. I know that He cannot bear to look upon the sinfulness of this world. But why do only some get rescued from the trauma?

For Christians, does this tie in with God wanting to mould us in our character and make us stronger in our faith? With Him desiring for us to know Him more intimately? Many have shared that it was only in their grave adversities did they gain a deeper understanding and fall more in love with Him.

For non-Christians, would this not deter them from wanting to know Him? Yet many have given their lives to Him after one encounter of His warm presence. In such cases, that was evidence of His ability to restore and make the past, however horrific, nothing.

I know God works all things for the good of those who love Him. And by "all things", it means even the most challenging of times. Does God's decision on whether to intervene depend on the level of our faith and our personality? For He won't give us more than He knows we can bear at the end of the day. Is this why I have been shown so much grace? Because I am weaker in my faith?

Someone once told me that God does not have to limit the sinfulness of this world because His sovereignty is able to redeem any person and any situation. Someone else said that while this is so, God did set a boundary for the devil, out of His grace. Had He not, we would witness and experience even more mayhem and suffering.

I know that Jesus went to the cross to claim back the authority that was handed to the devil at the Fall. This means I have been given the power to pray for intervention, for miracles, for a change in the atmosphere. I can prophecy, speaking truth and goodness into existence. Why then are my prayers only answered some of the time? Though God does not will for His people to suffer, are my prayers for certain ones to be delivered somehow not in line with His heart for them? Maybe because from their pain comes great revival for others?

Do I only pray when He calls me to? But shouldn't I pray anyway because I'm not always sensitive to His voice? Do I just keep praying and seeking until I hear His voice confirm something? I cannot let my love and worship to Him be conditional upon the outcomes. Because He sees and knows it all. I just need to trust in His sovereignty.

Sometimes it's so difficult. I wish I could understand why there are times I can see Him move and other times it's as if He has forgotten. I want to know why He would allow a faithful believer's fiancee to be murdered in their new apartment just before the wedding. Why He would give babies to women who will abort them when they don't see His gift of life as an act of love. Why He would let a gang of men pour acid over a helpless woman's face to settle a dispute between their families or punish her for rejecting an arranged marriage proposal.

How do those who don't know Him move on and live with such pain? Why does He allow them to be crippled so? Where do they find their strength and when they do, why would they think it was Him who gave them that capacity? Would they not just rely on themselves and not trust?

Perhaps it is different for children as it is for adults, for there is a difference in the way God is approached. A difference in the level of understanding, or rather in the way of understanding God, people and circumstances. Adults probably have more filters from their experiences. More room for scepticism, supposedly rational thinking and justification.

Do I stagnate my spiritual growth because I am afraid that one day He'll decide it is time for me to experience something terrible as a way to stretch my faith? Do I not believe that God is indeed inherently good? How do I reconcile these two things - His will for us not to suffer and His decision to allow that suffering to occur still? Perhaps to a child, there is more black and white and fewer gray areas.

Why are people offended by my questions? Why do they tell me I am disrespecting God? Does He not want me to be open and honest and go to Him with my burdens and doubts so He can shed light on them? Does He not want for me to know Him more through my seeking?

Are my questions causing me to turn away though? Don't they just deter me from studying the Bible or worshipping or being impacted by the sermons I am so privileged to hear every Sunday without persecution? Have I chosen to neglect spending time with Him because I am angry? As if that would change His mind and cause Him to answer my prayers the way I want Him to instead of sticking to what really is best for that person.

Will I not remain committed to God even if I cannot see what He is doing or comprehend His intentions? Will I not claim against all odds that He is still good and not let Him be misunderstood again? I don't think He cares about His reputation. He doesn't need me to uphold it. But He cares about how much I value my relationship with Him.

I just feel so powerless sometimes. I am told not to focus on what God isn't doing but to see what He is. To search out the testimonies of those whose lives He has touched and continues to change. To feed myself with the stories that show He is real and good so that they will give me strength to face the situations where His presence is not apparent.

I wonder why I should bother if He's got the timing all worked out. If He'll still do whatever it is He has planned. Can I really change His mind? When I pray a certain way, is it not for me to get in tune with His heart and pray according to what He desires? In times of seeking, He changes my mind instead, does He not?

The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy. He seeks to ruin us and make a mockery of God. He'll do anything and use anyone to serve his purposes. So we live without joy and begin to think that God is too serious and narcissistic to desire us to have joy. It's all a lie though.

Still, it's difficult. It's difficult to keep believing and contending for what God has promised. I want to make the odds easier for so many people. I want to turn things around so that those who will act responsibly and love their children will not need to struggle with infertility while others who sell their daughters to brothels to get out of debt pop babies like there's no tomorrow. If it is painful to watch those children suffer, why give them to those who will only crush them? Why not allow those people to be barren?

It is mean of me to think this way. I just don't get it. If I could be everywhere at once, I'd protect every child and woman. I'd remove them from the oppression and place them where they can be safe and secure. Where they will be loved and esteemed. Where they will learn their self worth and have the freedom to be themselves, to be beautiful. I'd put all the men who lust after power and are filled with perversion in places that first address why they have become that way. Maybe they need healing from their pasts. Maybe they were never taught boundaries. Never taught to respect others, to appreciate diversity, to see an individual for who they truly are. Maybe they are so deep in their addictions, they need the help to get out.

What if God spoke every time someone was about to sin? Spoke just so that person could hear Him. Spoke in a way they would recognise as His voice? What if all He said was, "you'll really hurt me and that person if you do that." What if that was enough for us to change our mind and want to spend our time in conversation with Him, rather than on plotting something evil? Surely God thought about this at the beginning. He must have figured it wasn't such a grand idea.

It is difficult. I don't want to lose hope when I read the painful stories and see the confronting images. When I hear they have become a reality for someone in my life. I want joy. I want peace. And I don't just want it for me.