How quick the year has gone

Dear Phoebe,

You will be 9 months on the first of December my precious baby. Oh how the time has flown! Someone once told me that the days are long but the years are short. Even so, the days have passed between my fingers like tiny grains of sand falling in a breeze. The moments matter, oh how they matter I now realise! I must make it a habit to jot down every little thing I want to remember about you. Every expression, every nuance, every new skill developed, every gesture. I want to have these memories etched in my mind for as long as I live. You are yet a year old but already there is much I have failed to capture before the opportunity slipped away. Little but significant things like your hand and foot print when you were a newborn. Thankfully we do have a fairly large collection of photographs that help in some way tell your story. 

My sweet darling, you have changed, my how you have changed. From small outward ways like longer hair and double eyelids, to finer motor skills and quicker responses. You have yet to work out the whole business of crawling but you can do a backward slide while lying on your tummy and a seated forward-moving bum shuffle. You have been sitting very stably the past two months. You can even stand unassisted (though supported by the ledge which you hold tightly to) if I place you at the living room window to wait for Papa's arrival home in the evenings. It excites you when Papa returns that you tap on the glass to get his attention. Nowadays, you eat most things I offer, which is an answered prayer. The sad part, however, is you have lost weight since consuming solids. I should probably prepare more substantial meals so your baby fat and lovely rolls don't disappear too fast. I will most likely cry the day you officially become a little girl and perhaps a lean bean from running around as active toddlers do.

The past couple of months have been teaching me to slow down and reprioritise. It's so important I take a step back and recognise that this season is about being fully present for you because I am now a mum, your mum. The housework will always be there, and so will the items on my seemingly never-ending to-do list. I shouldn't get caught up in fretting over these responsibilities but just take the time to enjoy you at every stage of your life. I am not going to compare you to another baby and wonder why they seem to be advancing at a faster pace. You will crawl when you are good and ready to. You will babble and speak when the time is right for you. Yes I can encourage and teach you, but I will not get frustrated or wish you to progress quicker, because my love, you are fine just as you are.

My prayer is for you to be secure and confident and to know that my love for you is not dependent on your performance. You don't need to earn my approval or be afraid I will react negatively. I want to be one of your greatest supporters, not your harshest critic who brings hurt and resentment. I want to lift you up and inspire you, not crush your spirit and belittle your struggles and thoughts. I want you to feel safe to come to me for anything, assured I will be there to understand or at least make the effort to and comfort and cheer you on. I want to help you to dream big and be fearless in honing your talents, developing your interests and pursuing your desires, instead of imposing my hopes on you. 

There have been days where my emotions have gotten the better of me and I have not been patient and compassionate. I just pray you will not be scarred in any way. I am still figuring things out. In some ways I know you well, but as you are growing each day, there is always something new to discover and learn. Recently, you went through another developmental leap. I guess I must have known at the back of my mind that growing up is hard and you have a lot to take in, but somehow this did not translate to the way I responded when you began behaving in a less desirable fashion. Granted you are an incredible baby, but with each leap still comes a period of adjustment in which all infants get more fussy and needy.

This time your sleeping pattern was affected too and you stopped being able to go down for naps in your cot. It wasn't new that you slept better in my arms but previously I could still put you into your own bed for a while to get some things done. Once this new phase hit, that went out the window. Even your night time sleeps reverted to the earlier days and I caved and brought you to our room, on several occasions, in the wee hours of the morning so you could snuggle beside me. Your cuddles are pure goodness. I hope you never tire of hugging me. Please don't be one of those kids who is embarrassed to be seen with their parents. I don't think my heart can handle the rejection. Anyway, you still nap on me during the day. I will miss you terribly when I return to work in January and you go to childcare.

Childcare. I am worried about this and need to entrust you to God more. I will be working three days a week so for those days you will be with other little people for some social interaction and mini activities. I pray you will love your time there, have the best teachers, not get bullied or bully, and be able to eat, sleep and poop well. Be brave my darling, and may your joyful spirit be super contagious. May you be well loved by all you meet, and may you love others well. Be an example of purity and humility even in your young age. Learn and grow and be shielded from nasty illnesses. Get creative and explore new things. Be ever filled with awe and wonder and never get too old to jump onto a pile of crunchy autumn leaves or dance in the rain. When you are big, remember with fondness these days when you and I sway clumsily through the house, share slobbery kisses, and make goofy faces. Recall with delight the raspberries I blow on your belly, the smooches I plant on your edible cheeks, the gentleness in the way I stroke your hair, the love that is poured out in my care, the songs we sing over and over and the books we read until the pages get worn. These are the moments I want to hold in my heart forever. 

You have been down with a bad cold and wet cough since Wednesday. It started with a fever on Monday and now your chest is heavy and congested. It pains me to watch you struggle. I pray over you to be healed really really soon. I'm glad the clinic our neighbour recommended has lovely doctors to help make things more bearable. I am also thankful for the Tula carrier Aunty Miin and Uncle Nick (Papa's younger brother and his wife) gifted us last month, as being ill has made you more needy and less willing to sit in the pram or play at your table walker.

As I carry you around to get chores done, being slung comfortably in a koala position lulls you to sleep. You've been so contented in there that you've taken long enough naps for me to finish a twenty-episode Korean drama over the course of this week (ok, so this includes watching after you've gone to bed but still, don't judge me)! While your longing for attention has created certain challenges, I do enjoy the closeness we share and now need not envy other baby-wearing mothers. I know this season will pass in the flicker of a hummingbird's wing too so I am stopping to cherish what is good. The house is quiet now with you in bed and Papa asleep on the couch. I shall retire to and look forward to another beautiful day with you.

With all my heart,

Mama