A new day

Looking through my journal, I found this entry dated 14 March 2004:

I am sitting here and wondering

What my next step should be

Pondering over where this life is taking me

I am sitting here just thinking that

There has to be much more

Contemplating all the things You have in store

There was a teaching lesson recorded just before this personal scribble. A lesson entitled "God's people should flourish". It caught my attention because I am certainly not flourishing.

Psalm 92 says in verses 12 to 14 "The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming 'The Lord is upright; He is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in Him."

Jeremiah 17 says in verses 7 to 8 "But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heats comes, its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

The question posed in the lesson was this. Are we like this tree that has a strong foundation in the right soil, knows how to draw nutrients from the place in which it is planted, and sways joyfully in a storm?

There were several points of reflection to determine if we are flourishing.

Am I firmly planted in God? In His word and in His community.

Am I easily uprooted? Can I take the heat or am I ruled by the seasons such that I make emotional and immature decisions?

Is my spiritual health a priority?

Is fruitfulness and giving a part of my lifestyle? Do I exemplify the fruits of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,  faithfulness, gentleness and self control more and more with each passing year?

Am I being hindered by the lack of an attitude to learn and press into God's presence? Do I lack humility or the discipline to seek God everyday?

Kim Walker Smith said, at the conference I attended last weekend, that we need to contend for our intimacy with God. There are so many distractions, and potential discouragements to fight through. She admitted that there are days where we will not feel as though we're getting anywhere with our relationship with God. Days where we will not experience His presence in a tangible way. Days where it seems as though we're just abiding by a routine. But then she said she decided in her heart to remain faithful on those days. To not short change God of that time with Him but determine daily that He matters more than anything else. She said, "On those days I keep telling myself, 'One day I will walk in the fruits of this' . I look back now and realise I am already walking in the fruits of those days gone."

Here again I sit wondering what God has planned out for me. Wondering how I am to take hold of this "something more" I want and have been promised. And I realise that all this while I have been seeking after the gift and not the Giver. I have not kept my heart undivided. I have not turned my attention wholly unto God. In fact, I have lost the mystery and wonder I once beheld of Him. I have lost the excitement of searching out His truths in the Word. 

I answered all questions above in the negative. I look at friends who have a spring in their step and are wrapped up with glee when they talk about their "revelationary and revolutionary" discoveries in the Word, and I think, "That used to be me". In part I want to return to that place. In part I brush it off as a time past. A time when I was younger and more naive. How sad that I have lost the appeal I once saw in God. I am missing out on so much for God can never be uncovered in a lifetime. So we have eternity to keep learning more about His awesome glory, multifaceted character, wondrous holiness and unfathomable love, and enjoying His company.

Somewhere along the lines I let go of the desire for Him. I turned my attention to someone or something else and my motivation to seek God got stolen. I didn't even notice it was gone for a while. Then it didn't seem to matter. But now I am paying the price of having gone so far astray that I cannot find my way back to reclaim it.

Many would find my break a bliss. How they would spend every waking moment with their Maker, worshipping, reading, talking, interceding, praising, soaking in His presence, drawing, painting, dancing, singing, writing and simply enjoying Him. How they would not just let four months pass without capitalising on every second of the day to draw closer to the Almighty God, Superstar Father, Gentle Counsellor, Best Friend.

I am stuck.

I need to break free. I want to be able to shout "I am free to dance, free to sing, free to love, free to live for You" and mean every single word. I want to be a good example in this season. I don't want to weary others with my negativity. I want to be full of joy and purpose that all may know God is real and wonderful and desire to know Him too.

Be gone, Sadness! Be gone, Frustration! Be gone, Offended Heart! Be gone, Unforgiveness!, Be gone, Resentment! Be gone, Pride! Be gone, Stagnancy!

I am singing, "All of Your promises won't let go of me! The sun's shining bright and it just won't set cause Your love is alive and it lights my step!" (New Life Worship CD, Integrity Music)