Bride-zilla

I saw '27 Dresses' (I like Katherine Heigl with James Marsden) the other night, with my DVD-buddy Serene, in her cosy one-room apartment inhabited by her and her very fluffy cat. Started thinking to myself in the car on the way home as Fab called during the movie and somehow we had a bit of a misunderstanding about a car and the conversation ended rather curtly. I thought back to all the times things have not been the best between us and again it occurred to me that I'm often the cause or the one who ends up making a bit of a mess of everything with my emotions and self centredness. It's weird but though he's just wonderful, it's as if I'm never completely satisfied and always hone in on some totally insignificant, trivial, stupid thing. Wow, my vocabulary has dropped to like zero in this post. Notice my lack of proper descriptive terms.

Anyhow, it all made me think of how I'm so much like all those selfish, horrible characters in movies...the ones I hate and scold while watching the movie and holding back tears as I get so involved in the story and lives of fictional people. In this case, I likened myself to the yucky brat of a little sister to the female protagonist. She wants everything her way and is oblivious to others' needs and how her self-absorbed ways are actually hurting the very people she claims to love. That's just the icing of it all...it would take me a good 20 posts to finish describing myself as reflected by the many film characters. Maybe I'm exaggerating but it just goes to show how self obsessed I am.

It is just amazing how God could still love and bless me the way He has all these years. Why am I not so helplessly grateful? I thank Him but I'm not appreciative and thankful enough. I thank Him the one minute and complain the next. It's like nothing is ever good enough or just enough for me. I need a head and heart transplant, stat! Pronto! Now! Did I ever mention I'm impatient too? Golly...what a bad combination...my poor long suffering Fab.

My brain works in a twisted vicious cycle. First I'm discontented so then I make a fuss and say and do things I shouldn't...I grieve God and hurt Fab...then I go into self-induced guilt mode and get frustrated over my nonsense and try to make up for things by being really nice but then sometimes I get so upset with myself that it ends up on Fab and he's left feeling very lost and tries to comfort me. Where would I be without God? Seriously...I'd be a goner if I weren't His work-in-progress! There are times I honestly think I've lost the plot and deserve to be in a loony bin. It really shouldn't be so complicated though, right? It's all about the daily renewing of our minds.

How do people who don't know the truth cope? Some people are so strong minded, so strong willed but at the end of the day, though they may be so mature and well-adjusted and have overcome and moved on and become successful, nothing counts without God in the centre of the picture. People think I believe in God because I am weak and that they don't need Him as they can depend on themselves. I wish I could say something but saying something in prayer to God is more powerful. I need to believe in that. Trust Him. For every crazy negative thing my 'mind' tries to convince me of.