A Little Longer

[Song: A Little Longer by Jenn Johnson]

Lord I want to be like Mary who just stayed by Your side. You said she had chosen what was more important and that it wouldn't be taken from her. I don't even have children yet but I find myself caught up with things all the time. I have allowed little things to just fill my life. I fret over the housework because things never seem to get clean enough. I am hardly ever really settled.

My mind is busy, my heart is busy and I cannot hear You. I get frustrated so easily. I find dissatisfaction at work, at home, and in all areas of my life because I have not made time for You. Because I just go from one routine thing to another. There is no stillness and no true rest. Little joy and even lesser peace. I get angry easily. I snap and mutter. I scowl and potter. Potter about the house doing this and doing that. I'm always thinking. Good things, bad things, things that I should not even consider.

I'm like Martha. I'm doing things You never asked of me and I am resentful towards the one by Your side doing nothing to help me. I want to let these little things go. I want to find rest just being with You. Draw strength for things that matter, things I will need to do later. I don't want to be stuck on what has so little consequence. No one sees the little specks of dust on my kitchen counter. They do not bend down and sweep the floorboards with their finger to test how clean they are. They don't inspect my bathroom or stare at my walls. I need to let these things go.

Father I need to be at Your side. I need Your strength. My own is not enough. I want to love You more Lord but I don't know how. I even need that love to come from You. I need everything to come from You. I look to Fab for more time, for more affection, for more so I feel filled. But I can't expect him to be You. I've burdened him with my incessant grumbling, my frustrations, my hurtful words and constant demands. I've forgotten that all I need to do is find You.

You've given me this marriage as a beautiful gift but I have not fully appreciated it because I keep wanting more, seeking for what I can only find in You. If I find that place in You, our marriage will naturally grow stronger, and Fab and I will be closer. Fab has been so good. He has set a wonderful example by giving time to be with You. But I have neglected my walk with You and so have let You down and have let my marriage down.

I don't want to give up seeking You Lord when I cannot feel Your presence after a little while. I want to be determined to press in. I don't want to get distracted. I want to get my relationship with You right, Father. I don't want to go to Fab for what I should be finding in You. Instead I want to walk together with him towards You. I want us to be alive with Your fire in us, burning to share of our revelations to each other (and others) and rejoicing together in our new found passion and discoveries of what Your word means and just fresh perspectives of You Lord.