"How to be Alone"

[Video: How to be Alone]

When I think about it logically, it makes no sense that I am afraid to go outside by myself. I mean, I am fine if I have some sort of a mission. Like if I were getting the groceries or going to the bank or had stores to look at. I've watched movies alone and it wasn't so bad once the lights dimmed and the film started. I'm not sure why I haven't ventured into the libraries here. Apart from the fact that parking is a bit of an issue.

What is a little perplexing is why I cannot walk along the beach by myself. Why I feel awkward being out with nothing to focus on. Why I am unable to enjoy times like that with God. Why I get fidgety inside and start wondering if it is safe to be there. If people are watching me take clumsy steps and being aimless.

I remember sitting by the Brisbane river once after classes at uni. The sun was still up and I decided to look at the water from a park close to where I was living. Then a guy on a bicycle approached me. I felt cornered and glanced around. There was no one else. Why was he intruding on my personal space and asking such private questions? I tried to make a quick escape and ran all the way home, making sure he wasn't following me. I didn't feel secure. Even in broad daylight.

I fear that having nothing to do, and not being in a busy place or a place where others are occupied with their own thing, leaves me open to inquisitive strangers. The kind I do not feel inclined to converse with. The kind I would rather avoid. That one tiny incident left an imprint that did not fade for weeks. Perhaps it hasn't really gone at all.

Julie said to me the other Sunday that she had to make a decision to face life bravely. To just take each day as it came and be bold to live it out. I hear of women who travel alone. Who choose to go into remote and possibly even life threatening areas of the world to capture life there through photojournalism. Or reach out to the community knowing full well they could become martyrs. These women to me are the epitome of brave.

What do I have to fear? What is the point of keeping myself locked away? Does this help me give voice to those who live in places at risk of attack because they have no other home; no other option? How many times am I going to flick the TV channel to protect my own mind and emotions while someone else is living in that painful reality?

I need to live courageously. I need to find the boldness to step outside my shell. If I made myself go out more like in the video clip, would I eventually ease into the state of alone-ness?

(Despite some hesitant moments, here's a tale of one time I somewhat succeeded in being on my own in the outside world)