Navel gazing. An art I have perfected. Yes, I have become proficient at being inward looking. And whenever I forget to do so, the little monster in my belly button rears its ugly head and calls for immediate attention. So I look down once again and lose sight of who and what is truly important. I revert to serving the little monster, feeding its insecurity and demands for self preservation.
Marriage is giving me an opportunity to address my self centredness. It has clearly exposed my selfish desires, intentions and attitudes, which serves as a great challenge for me to work on this area with God. I've always struggled with pride but I have often done nothing to overcome this hindrance to faith. God has been full of grace and patience with me though. This really is the time for me to surrender what I claim to be my "rights" to Him. Self centredness, self preservation and the fear of being short changed have caused me to live a lesser life so it is time to let go and move on.
It's not fair to Fab and others either. My role in a relationship is not to take and take and take. I'd be draining the life out of the other person otherwise. I see it though, in the little things, like how I respond to simple requests. "Hey dear, is it alright if you help me type up the power point slides for worship on Sunday? or Can you give me a lift tomorrow morning if it is raining heavily?" I know when my heart is unwilling, when I am acting grudgingly, and I have noticed this more recently.
Fab has sacrificed a great deal for me over the years. He is very much a giver and expresses love through acts of service. I am one incredibly blessed woman, I tell you. :) But even if Fab was the complete opposite of the utterly selfless and generous person he is, this is no excuse for me to be caught up with what I want and what I feel I need. Although he does not see me as a burden, it is not right to be placing demands and expectations on him that are not his responsibility to fulfill.
Thankfully, God (and my wonderful husband) does not condemn, which means I am free of guilt and free to commit my weaknesses to Him and allow Him to be enthroned in every area of my life. As I allow God to take His rightful place, I am released from slavery to the belly button monster. I am free from the tiring need to serve myself above all else. This allows me to step out of what would otherwise be my comfort zone to partner with God on the things He is calling me to. It enables me to love others (even people I have trouble accepting now for various reasons) freely and wholeheartedly, which brings much joy and peace.
*After writing this, I Googled the phrase "cartoon monster belly button" to find a funny photo to attach to the post, and to my surprise, there is a comic entitled the Belly Button Monster. I am not kidding. And, one of the characters in the story is called Fabian! What are the odds??!! I do not recommend reading it, however. I did not find some of the images and content very wholesome.
For fun, I have instead included a picture of Mike Wazowski from Monsters Inc. as he is green and has only one eye. The colour green is often associated with jealousy, as in "the green-eyed monster". Jealousy stems from self centredness/insecurity. I was tossing up between using the analogy of a monster in my belly button and a one-eyed monster in illustrating my self centredness. One-eyed because of its sole focus on self, without an eye to consider others. Not that this at all describes Mike from Monsters Inc. It was just to be my own explanation.
* Just read a post by Chia Yen. I love it. It's so true. I struggle with having a deeply critical spirit and often this causes me to be easily dissatisfied with myself, others and situations. But God's grace is sufficient to guide me back to Him in my moments of weakness. It's really sweet when I think of how God wrote our love stories, orchestrating the meeting between Yen and her husband, and Fab and I. I have no doubts that Fab is God's best for me. In fact, God has outdone Himself, if that were possible. Fab is an absolute darling. A real sweetie to the core. And I thank God for protecting our hearts and guarding our marriage, something I can certainly testify to.
* Just read a post by Chia Yen. I love it. It's so true. I struggle with having a deeply critical spirit and often this causes me to be easily dissatisfied with myself, others and situations. But God's grace is sufficient to guide me back to Him in my moments of weakness. It's really sweet when I think of how God wrote our love stories, orchestrating the meeting between Yen and her husband, and Fab and I. I have no doubts that Fab is God's best for me. In fact, God has outdone Himself, if that were possible. Fab is an absolute darling. A real sweetie to the core. And I thank God for protecting our hearts and guarding our marriage, something I can certainly testify to.
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