Finding You

Alice in Wonderland Poster

Again You spoke about entering Wonderland (Your promises and purposes). You said I'm hesitant to step into what You have for me. But I've just felt so lost, God. I don't know where I am in relation to what You've called me to. I don't feel prepared for anything yet I'm struggling in this place because I'm stuck. I don't know how to move forward with what I have at the moment. Work, finances, ministry, relationships, desires for things. I need to surrender everything and just lay at Your feet unencumbered by life. I want all the weight to be taken away so it's like floating on water with not a care in this world. Just peace. Quiet, tranquil lightness. 

You alone know the battles within. You see the raw emotions, You hear the cries. You understand the confusion and conflict. You beckon me closer but my back has been turned and I'm facing the web I put myself in. Only You know what "painfully honest" looks like from me. This here is not it. And You know that. I don't have it all together. In fact, I'm not sure what I do have together. But I have You. I have Fab, family, friends. I am blessed beyond measure. 

I've not been in a good place for a long time, though there have been days of growth. This past year and a half has been a different journey. In some ways breezy, in other ways an uneasy ride. I need to be matured. I want to make the right decisions. Help me find the determination to do that so I can step into a new season. Help me have the strength of conviction so my emotions don't drag me down. I want to toss away my insecurities and reach for Your hand. I want these chains of empty living gone once and for all. God, I need You. I don't want to keep justifying the past or feeling like I need to prove something to someone. I just want to be free. I want to love with a heart that's pure and with hands that are clean. I've sinned. Gravely. And I need You to wash me and take me to higher ground.

Lord, there is more. You've been speaking of fruitfulness. What does that look like? Father, I need Your passion for people. For the Great Commission. For everything I'm doing. I want a fire in my belly that shines through my eyes. I want to be fully alive for the first time! I want to know what it's like to be lost in Your presence and have nothing but hope and joy. I want to be unbound from possessions and material comfort. From wealth and desirable experiences. I long to be free. Change me, Lord. Change me. Help me fight these thoughts. They've been inflicted day and night. I have been weak and have succumbed to their lies. Restore my true identity in You. Lead me by the heart. Let us walk together again. I want intimacy. I need intimacy. With You.

Lord, I come into Your presence

I enter in with open arms

Come renew my mind, my spirit

I will overcome

Cause I know

It's your touch

On my life

Makes me whole

To feel You near

Is the longing of my soul

Come again

Saturate my heart

Come again

To these arms open wide

Come again

This is my cry

That I won't let You pass me by

Come again

(From the album Unspeakable Joy)