This little girl is so adorable and the dresses at ilovegorgeous are absolutely gorgeous. Yup, they weren't kidding! But of course they each cost the earth. In pounds no less. So anyway, I'm keeping the site so I can look at the pretty clothes. If I do have kids but only have boys, I don't know how I'm going to cope with the idea of not having the level of bonding I wish to have and can have with a girl (the stuff you talk about and play with and do together is so different), not to mention not being able to play dress up on my very own little princess...oh well...I'm certainly not planning on children any time soon so by that time I will have hopefully let God take over completely so He can decide what's best. I'd worry far more for a girl anyway. Would be like crazy monster mother possessive and protective.
Just read this post about not using Birth Control on Ashley Weis' blog. For me, this whole area of having children has been becoming increasingly sensitive over the years, heightening after Fab and I got engaged and almost blowing out of proportion after marriage.
I really struggle with letting God reign in every single area of my life. Falling pregnant and going through labour and having to sacrifice so many things (have I ever mentioned I love my sleep and will bite someone's head off if I have not slept well and am tired? I also love a quiet home and the time and room to do whatever I want whenever I want. I find it very draining having to give my attention to someone else beyond certain lengths of time - except Fab - especially if they talk non stop in a rather high pitched voice and I am not into the conversation) are things I find so hard to come to terms with and bring myself to actually do.
If I have children, I only want two. And I want completely whole and healthy children who will sleep well and be easy to look after and it wouldn't hurt if they had good complexions and were favoured by all people. I also want a whole heap of other things for them like I'd pray for purity, for strength, for them to be people who are fearless yet loving and gentle, respectful, kind, and the list goes from the tip of my standing fringe hair to the end of my longest toe.
In essence, I am demanding what I want. I am not leaving any room for what God wants or intends to bring about in and through my life. I do not want to see my children have handicaps and be ostracised by society and have to battle with the great challenges raising them would bring. All my prayers are selfish and leave God out of the picture. I'm not trusting. I want control and I'm not letting go. It's actually a really bad place to be. I have little peace. I'm always frightened, paranoid, anxious. It just isn't right.
1 comment:
hey beautiful...
before I had children I had the same fears you have. George and I planned on using birth control when we were married, but before I could start the pill I got pregnant. Pretty crazy. So, from there we decided against birth control for many reasons and God has changed me in so many ways. So much growth.
I once thought I'd die without sleep. But you know that feeling when you are falling in love? Like you could stay up for hours and hours talking to that person on the phone? Not sure if you had that, but I did. George and I stayed up till 4am talking some nights. And I went to work the next day high on love.
It's not like that with kids. I'm not high on love for them to the point where I absolutely love staying up at night, but it changes my character. It makes me more like Christ. More patient. More joyful during things that are not so fun, like doing the dishes. Children are treasures that change your heart like nothing else ever will. Sure, it's hard. But I want to store up treasures in heaven, not here on earth, and Jesus taught us that it's not always easy, but pain is worth the beauty that comes from it.
Anyway :) your heart is seeking and honest and that's good. Just keep seeking God. You'll know what He wants you to do and there's no better place to be than in His will.
Blessings my dear!
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