God I feel so lost. So useless. Should I keep wearing the mask that tells everyone I'm fine? This week has been so unproductive. Who cares if my floorboards are spotless and smooth or if the mirrors are stain free or if the cooker hood is not gooey from years of oil build-up (it's not even visible!)? Who cares if everything is in the place I want it to be? First it's Jetstar (the aggravating conversations) and then the wooden floors and then the weather and fan not working and now the hot water system. Little things that don't matter and aren't even bad. But why have I allowed my emotions to go to the amusement park? Our Jetstar vouchers are probably on their way now and the fan is working and the weather has even cooled down (God, that must be You). We have our water back so I just have to find a plumber to replace the electric system downstairs. $960 is the lowest quote I've received so far for a 125 litre Rheem cylinder. We could always go for a smaller size to cut costs. Apparently the cheaper brands don't make it beyond 5 years so getting one that has proved to last a good 10 to 15 years on a 5 year warranty sounds like the way to go.
But that's not the issue, is it? I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't find God in all of this. Well, not yet. Probably because I can't sit still but keep filling every minute with something. I'm so restless and am expecting myself to accomplish 101 things everyday. Tell me, what exactly is the importance of each of these 101 things again? It's just not working though. Trying to get into His presence has been frustrating and uncomfortable. I am taking too much time trying to figure this out. I should just get a job, any job perhaps. At least I'll be contributing towards our mortgage and bills. That way I won't be such a burden. It's almost the end of February. That will make one month being unemployed. That's a long enough break right? Should I still go ahead with a writing course? What else should I do? My thoughts are all over the place. I keep hearing the word "SURRENDER". God, this rambling. I can just see You shaking Your head. I'm not being effective though. How can I be effective with this time? I want to have something to show for it. But is that because I am still more concerned with what others think of me rather that what Your opinion is? Yes. What now God? Where do I start? What do I start with? I've done nothing that really matters these two weeks.
Sometimes I think I made a stupid decision. But I was clearly headed nowhere and very unhappy. But maybe I should have just put up and shut up. That can't be the way to go. Stop comparing yourself with other people, Jocelyn. Oh, but they're all so flippin' talented and happy and their lives seem so rich with their uncanny ability to balance a life of everything while being super creative and productive. No, stop there. Also, it doesn't matter what others think or say to you. Most of the negative comments are your own anyway. It's all in that little head of yours. Maybe today is a good day for baking Jamie Oliver brownies. It's so much easier sometimes to pray for others than focus on the fact that my relationship with God needs serious attention. Fab has been incredibly encouraging. God, thank You for him. Thank You for my family.
But that's not the issue, is it? I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't find God in all of this. Well, not yet. Probably because I can't sit still but keep filling every minute with something. I'm so restless and am expecting myself to accomplish 101 things everyday. Tell me, what exactly is the importance of each of these 101 things again? It's just not working though. Trying to get into His presence has been frustrating and uncomfortable. I am taking too much time trying to figure this out. I should just get a job, any job perhaps. At least I'll be contributing towards our mortgage and bills. That way I won't be such a burden. It's almost the end of February. That will make one month being unemployed. That's a long enough break right? Should I still go ahead with a writing course? What else should I do? My thoughts are all over the place. I keep hearing the word "SURRENDER". God, this rambling. I can just see You shaking Your head. I'm not being effective though. How can I be effective with this time? I want to have something to show for it. But is that because I am still more concerned with what others think of me rather that what Your opinion is? Yes. What now God? Where do I start? What do I start with? I've done nothing that really matters these two weeks.
Sometimes I think I made a stupid decision. But I was clearly headed nowhere and very unhappy. But maybe I should have just put up and shut up. That can't be the way to go. Stop comparing yourself with other people, Jocelyn. Oh, but they're all so flippin' talented and happy and their lives seem so rich with their uncanny ability to balance a life of everything while being super creative and productive. No, stop there. Also, it doesn't matter what others think or say to you. Most of the negative comments are your own anyway. It's all in that little head of yours. Maybe today is a good day for baking Jamie Oliver brownies. It's so much easier sometimes to pray for others than focus on the fact that my relationship with God needs serious attention. Fab has been incredibly encouraging. God, thank You for him. Thank You for my family.
1 comment:
i get you....sigh...same thing here
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