Baby thoughts

[Video: Jaci Velasquez's Story]

I own one of Jaci Velasquez's albums and love it. But this post is not actually about her and the music God has given her to touch and inspire the world with. This post is about infertility. This post is about me seeing Jaci and her son and wanting what she has for the women and couples out there who are 'fighting' for a child.

It has become increasingly apparent to me that many (I cannot put a figure to this) women and couples have faced or are facing infertility. And reading their stories breaks my heart. There are great moments and moments that make me smile but even under their strength and determination to keep hoping, I feel a deep, aching pain.

Over and over I have been asking God this: "Why?" "Why withhold Your blessing?" Am I asking the right question? Is He really holding back? Can something be done to release the good things He has in store for these women and couples?

Why does God give children (gifts, blessings) to those who simply do not want them or appreciate them? Why does He allow some to conceive so easily when He knows they will choose to abort the baby or worse, let the baby live but abuse him or her?

There are many responsible, loving people who desire so strongly to have a child yet are confronted with barreness. With loss and grief. With taunting images and insensitive remarks that remind them of their empty nest.

Why doesn't God just give those babies to the women and families who will give them the life they deserve? Those babies are precious yet do not know it when they are in the hands of parents who neglect, abandon, rape, bash or even sell them. And I know it grieves God, to a point I cannot describe, when people snuff the life out of their children or slowly torture them.

When I read about what some people do to their own flesh and blood, it makes me absolutely sick and overcome with rage and resentment. What God feels is infinitely more. I just don't get it. It doesn't make sense. Every woman and couple who yearn for a child and who will look after that child should get that desire fulfilled.

I realise if God only blessed those who followed Him that it would not be fair either. I remember B (keeping her identity confidential) sharing how her heart completely sank when a girl she knew became pregnant. The girl had defamed God and walked away from church after hurting various ones. It wasn't that B did not want the girl to have the joy of experiencing motherhood but it made her wonder why it was so hard for her to conceive though she had been faithful to God.

I know B and I can tell you that she has truly lived her life for the Lord ever since making the decision to be a Christian. She has sacrificed much, loved much. Yet she and her husband have been trying for a child for quite some time now and it has not been an easy journey of clinging onto God's promise to them.

B she sat in the bathroom and cried out to God when she got the news. I don't think I'll ever forget what He told her. God was living out His own words. He teaches us in the Bible to love not only those who love us but to love our enemies as well. Those who hate us, those who misunderstand us, those who persecute us even.

God knew that the girl's heart was cold towards Him but He didn't stop loving her. And He chose to bless her despite of her attitude and how she had treated His beloved church. But what I want to know is this: If God can bless those who turn against Him, then He can bless those who are true to Him even more right?

I must be looking at this the wrong way. But it really breaks my heart to know how many have suffered and are suffering because of infertility. Many of these ones are believers and I see the way they continue to trust in Him, to give Him their lives. And I think, "God must be so proud of you. But God, what are You doing? Why do they have to go through this when it wasn't Your intention in the first place? I know this is a broken world and that You allow adversity to mature our character and to enable us to empathise with others. But things are so topsy turvy in this world Lord, it's driving me nuts! Father, if You can choose to close a woman's womb for a reason, can You not close the womb of the one who will break her child instead of the one who will love her child?"

Sometimes I feel I am fighting a pointless battle when I pray for those who struggle with infertility because what I want is for them to be able to conceive, carry and deliver a child naturally. For them to never know what it is like to endure a miscarriage or have to wait until the point they are advised to consider IVF or some other way of making conception possible. I want to take all of their pain away. But I can't. And God seems to be moving really slowly in this area.

That's just my perspective though. There is so much I am yet to know or will ever know. I need to keep trusting in His sovereignty and keep believing in His goodness. So for now, I shall just keep bringing different ones to God in prayer and let Him bring them peace, hope and joy in the midst of their circumstances.

Lord, I know You have the answers. In fact You are the answer. But often what my head knows, my heart does not translate and grasp. Father, may I not doubt You - Your love and intention for these women and couples. May they experience Your love in a very tangible way and know that You are watching over them and have plans to prosper and not harm them, plans to give them hope and a future.