Habakkuk 3: 19 in the Amplified Bible says, "The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk (not to stand still in terror, but to walk) and make (spiritual) progress upon my high places (of trouble, suffering, or responsibility)!
Sometimes I think it's laughable that I am not in a better place in relation to my walk with God. When I look at how much others are suffering, it appears ridiculous that I should ever struggle in my own life. I am probably where I am due to laziness, due to pride and stubborness. Due to a lack of determining to place faith in God. If I were to compare myself with ones who are intimate with God, I would see many half my age achieving far more now than I have even thought of attempting in my entire existence. No, I am not beating myself up but the question is, "How long do I intend to live in mediocrity? How long more do I intend to place the pain of this world above God?" It is as if I have become addicted to reading about certain troubles and complaining to God and being angry, anguished and afraid.
I was listening to a sharing by Priscilla Shirer on Saturday morning. Shin Yee bought me the DVD from this year's Colours Conference (Hillsongs Church conference for women). It was a message on God being able to do beyond what we consider beyond possible. One of the statements that struck me was about how we can allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by adversity, be it ours or what we see around us, to the point that we unconsciously worship it. As our focus is on the pain and suffering more than God, the troubles of our lives or of the world become our idol. I never quite realised this but now it is apparent why I find it so difficult to enter into God's presence and trust in His sovereignty and goodness.
It will take a conscious effort on my part to turn my attention to God and His truth daily. To cling to passages like Habakkuk 3: 19. To do so each time I am persuaded to be discouraged, to worry, to feel anxiety, stress or resentment towards God for not preventing a situation or moving faster to redeem someone. I do not feel I have been productive during this break from work. If I run ahead of God and He is unable to do what He needs to do in my life to make me whole, before I jump into a new job and get stuck in another rut, I will only have myself to blame. But right now I need to stop counting the days I have been unemployed and just let go of the past. Let go of the guilt I carry for being on a break. For not knowing what to do next. For getting impatient with God for not revealing what I should do to fulfil my potential in Him and love life.
I have let myself slip. And now I find my heart hardened. Many were telling me how touched they were by the Shekinah production during the Oceania Convention and by the song and painting presented on Easter Sunday morning. A friend bawled her eyes out as she reflected on what our Saviour did for us on the cross. I felt nothing both times. I could not relate. How awful is that? I felt frustrated and out of place during worship on Sunday and wanted to get out of the hall. I looked at Fab and saw a rift between us. I don't want to hinder his spiritual growth but I cannot be the fantastic fraud anymore either. I need to be real to God and true to myself. I cried standing there while the songs played and people lifted hands to God. By the time the service ended, I wanted only to be there to catch up with friends. Times when I am distant from God, I realise how refreshing it can be to spend time with those who are close to Him. Those I trust and respect. In my own way, I took something away from the conference and am thankful to God for that.
Father, You know how I have sinned just in these couple of months. How inward looking and complacent I have been. How I have wilfully neglected to do what I know to be right. There have been many occasions where I know I have slapped You in the face and not felt any remorse. But I cannot continue this way. I do need You. I need Your forgiveness and Your perspective. And to stop praying for things I should be acting upon myself. There are certain areas I need to take responsibility for and certain areas I should entrust to You but oddly enough I have confused the two. I have tried playing You by controlling situations in my life yet at other times where I could have avoided sin by changing my thoughts or stopping myself from speaking idle words and gossiping, I have not. I ask to please have a clean slate to start with tomorrow if that's alright. Thank You.
I have one completely random question for now. Where has the spell check button gone from this word editor? Hmm...
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