Job 23: 10-11 "But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed His steps; I have kept to His way without turning aside."
Father, I am greatly burdened. Lord, where are You at this present moment. We need You Lord. We need You. We have made a mess of Your beautiful creation, we have done terrible things, we have grieved You deeply. Father, please do not hide Your face from us, do not keep Your love and protection away from Your children. Father forgive us for our wretchedness, for our gross sins.
Lord Jesus, save those who cannot fend for themselves. Do not let the wicked walk free any longer. God, while Fab was away for work last night, I awoke in the middle of the night with a strong fear that someone would break into the house and hurt me. My heart was afraid and I called out to You for Your peace and assurance of Your presence with me. I asked that my home would be a safe haven. That You would always watch over Fab, our families, our friends and us. My mind wandered still, Lord, and I thought of cowering in fear in the wardrobe, I contemplated arming myself with kitchen knives. Should I get dressed, I wondered. I went out of my room to check the doors, to scan our home, to look out onto the driveway and neighbouring streets, wary of the terrors of the night. There was nothing but my mind and heart could not rest. I climbed back into bed with Your Word and I tried to learn Your scriptures to keep my mind fixed on You but I struggled. I did not get very far, I was still shaking. I continued to call out to You. Eventually I stood up to turn off the lights and sleep came over me. One more time of waking. More praying and finally I made it through the night. I thank You for this.
But Father, this morning on the news, I read that a 24-year old man broke into a home last November and raped a 4-year old child. He even confessed in court that he had sexual intercourse with a child under 10. They had found his DNA on some clothing in the home and arrested him days after the terrible event. But the man was allowed to walk away free. Why Father? Why have so many men been allowed to return to their lives unscathed after having committed such a crime? They must gloat to themselves. It must give them and others like them the strength to keep destroying others. Why Father have You not sided with the children, with the women? Why have You not been the voice of those who have no say in this world? Why have You not protected those who are physically weaker or disabled? Father, I know Your grace is for all, I know You ask that I not harbour judgement towards these men, that You watch over them because You want them to be reconciled to You, You want them to have the chance to be saved too. You ask that I ask for forgiveness for my poor attitude. But Father, what about the children, what about the women?
I have known a physical pain I never thought I would experience. I was consenting. I kept myself for my husband. But still the pain was at times rather unbearable, and it was there for months. Even today I experience discomfort. And there are times I feel empty and disheartened. Father, if I can cry for myself, how much more do I cry for those who were not willing, who were forced to endure a pain so excruciating, maybe even over and over and over again, over many years of their lives. I weep as I type because my heart is so broken for the children and the women. I weep so often because I think of how their pain would be inconceivably greater. It's not just the physical pain but the emotional and mental torment. The crushing shame, the paralysing fear, the choking sense of disgust.
Father, I am so sorry I accuse You. I am so sorry I have failed to trust. I am so sorry that there were times You spoke to me, You beckoned me to intercede in some way or act upon something but I did not recognise Your voice and I did not respond. But please Father, do not let my mistakes and sins be the cause of another's pain. I cannot bear it if another has to pay for my wrongs. Please extend Your forgiveness to me Lord. My heart is weary. I cry out to You day and night for the children, for the women. My strength drains from me each time I read of another horrible case of abuse. I cannot pray as quickly as all these things are taking place and I feel so broken for this inadequacy. I feel I have let them down Oh Lord. I have not stood in the gap enough for You to have saved them. I am so sorry Father. I have not called out to You enough because I have been lazy and I have chosen to turn to worldly pleasures to block out the haunting thoughts. I have not prayed in the right way but have turned to You in anger and resentment many a times. I have not made myself right before You. I have harboured judgement and a lack of love. I have criticised. I have gossiped. I have grumbled and complained and been lazy. Lord, I know You do not condemn. I am not condemning myself but I want to confess of my sins before You. They are many and I cannot afford for them to hinder my walk with You any longer. I cannot allow myself to be hampered because I need to do Your work. I need to fight for the children, for the women. I need to fight for the men who love their families, who break their backs and give of their lives so their wives and children may live to see another sunrise.
I want to be strong Lord. I must not lose another minute because there are so many out there who are hurting so much. So many children and women carry terrible secrets - years of sexual abuse, years of bullying, years of torment over having done something they were made to think was worthy of death. Father, so many do not know they have a God they can call out to. You show Yourself in so many ways but Father they do not know how to recognise You. They do not know Father because the pain is so great. And they are crushed each day and every single night. They are woken in their slumber by a sharp pain. They are bruised, pressed down from every side and all they can do is lie there and hope for it to end, but it never seems to. That is not living. Father, they cannot go on like this. I cannot go on like this. With each story, the images flood my mind and throughout the day I revisit their stories. I weep when I am alone because I can only express myself fully to You. People might think I am crazy but I am pleading for others to join me because I cannot do this alone anymore. They need our prayers. Father, please assure me that You are moving. Even if showing me means I am lacking in faith and that I am asking to see to believe, would You humour me because I just feel so hopeless sometimes. And I need so much, Lord, to know that things are not getting worse but that my prayers are making a difference.
Father, if You are testing me in my faith, I have failed. But, I do desire to have the same attitude as Job. To make the decision to say that You know the way that I can take and after all this, I will be refined. I want to be able to say I did not walk away from You because of my discouragement, because of this great burden and fears. I want to keep to Your Word that I may do as You desire of me - be that salt and light to those around me.
In cowering, in weeping and accusing and seeking denial, I have become inefficient. I have lost the love for those who are immediately around me. I have not reached out to them. To my colleagues, to the students I have encountered. So many lives You have placed before me but I have neglected them because I have allowed my mind to be weighed down by this burden. And so I have not lived out Your love to those I see everyday. And they need You just as much. They have been through their own pain, their own struggles and suffering and now many of them have hearts that are hard. They need You just as much. Forgive me Lord for neglecting them. I want to be compelled by Your love. I want to walk in Your power and not in my own understanding and small measure of strength. Instead of grumbling and complaining about the students whom I find frustrating, I should be praying for their salvation. For if they really knew You, they would not just live for themselves or be drowned by expectations placed on them by their families. They will find that You are the source of everything they need. Even I am egoistic, even I am self centred. Yet I have You. They do not know You. Naturally they would live to protect themselves, meet their desires and interests. How could I judge them and not myself? For what else would they live for apart from what they know, apart from what they can see? Some choose to think the entire world revolves around them. They are rude and demanding and do not care who they tread on to excel. Some will live for the sake of those they love. Others will extend their circle of influence to bless communities and even nations if it is within their power to do so. How much more should I, with You calling and guiding and equipping and enabling and empowering, go out to draw lives to You so that they may be saved and healed and restored and cared for.
Father, I am greatly burdened. Lord, where are You at this present moment. We need You Lord. We need You. We have made a mess of Your beautiful creation, we have done terrible things, we have grieved You deeply. Father, please do not hide Your face from us, do not keep Your love and protection away from Your children. Father forgive us for our wretchedness, for our gross sins.
Lord Jesus, save those who cannot fend for themselves. Do not let the wicked walk free any longer. God, while Fab was away for work last night, I awoke in the middle of the night with a strong fear that someone would break into the house and hurt me. My heart was afraid and I called out to You for Your peace and assurance of Your presence with me. I asked that my home would be a safe haven. That You would always watch over Fab, our families, our friends and us. My mind wandered still, Lord, and I thought of cowering in fear in the wardrobe, I contemplated arming myself with kitchen knives. Should I get dressed, I wondered. I went out of my room to check the doors, to scan our home, to look out onto the driveway and neighbouring streets, wary of the terrors of the night. There was nothing but my mind and heart could not rest. I climbed back into bed with Your Word and I tried to learn Your scriptures to keep my mind fixed on You but I struggled. I did not get very far, I was still shaking. I continued to call out to You. Eventually I stood up to turn off the lights and sleep came over me. One more time of waking. More praying and finally I made it through the night. I thank You for this.
But Father, this morning on the news, I read that a 24-year old man broke into a home last November and raped a 4-year old child. He even confessed in court that he had sexual intercourse with a child under 10. They had found his DNA on some clothing in the home and arrested him days after the terrible event. But the man was allowed to walk away free. Why Father? Why have so many men been allowed to return to their lives unscathed after having committed such a crime? They must gloat to themselves. It must give them and others like them the strength to keep destroying others. Why Father have You not sided with the children, with the women? Why have You not been the voice of those who have no say in this world? Why have You not protected those who are physically weaker or disabled? Father, I know Your grace is for all, I know You ask that I not harbour judgement towards these men, that You watch over them because You want them to be reconciled to You, You want them to have the chance to be saved too. You ask that I ask for forgiveness for my poor attitude. But Father, what about the children, what about the women?
I have known a physical pain I never thought I would experience. I was consenting. I kept myself for my husband. But still the pain was at times rather unbearable, and it was there for months. Even today I experience discomfort. And there are times I feel empty and disheartened. Father, if I can cry for myself, how much more do I cry for those who were not willing, who were forced to endure a pain so excruciating, maybe even over and over and over again, over many years of their lives. I weep as I type because my heart is so broken for the children and the women. I weep so often because I think of how their pain would be inconceivably greater. It's not just the physical pain but the emotional and mental torment. The crushing shame, the paralysing fear, the choking sense of disgust.
Father, I am so sorry I accuse You. I am so sorry I have failed to trust. I am so sorry that there were times You spoke to me, You beckoned me to intercede in some way or act upon something but I did not recognise Your voice and I did not respond. But please Father, do not let my mistakes and sins be the cause of another's pain. I cannot bear it if another has to pay for my wrongs. Please extend Your forgiveness to me Lord. My heart is weary. I cry out to You day and night for the children, for the women. My strength drains from me each time I read of another horrible case of abuse. I cannot pray as quickly as all these things are taking place and I feel so broken for this inadequacy. I feel I have let them down Oh Lord. I have not stood in the gap enough for You to have saved them. I am so sorry Father. I have not called out to You enough because I have been lazy and I have chosen to turn to worldly pleasures to block out the haunting thoughts. I have not prayed in the right way but have turned to You in anger and resentment many a times. I have not made myself right before You. I have harboured judgement and a lack of love. I have criticised. I have gossiped. I have grumbled and complained and been lazy. Lord, I know You do not condemn. I am not condemning myself but I want to confess of my sins before You. They are many and I cannot afford for them to hinder my walk with You any longer. I cannot allow myself to be hampered because I need to do Your work. I need to fight for the children, for the women. I need to fight for the men who love their families, who break their backs and give of their lives so their wives and children may live to see another sunrise.
I want to be strong Lord. I must not lose another minute because there are so many out there who are hurting so much. So many children and women carry terrible secrets - years of sexual abuse, years of bullying, years of torment over having done something they were made to think was worthy of death. Father, so many do not know they have a God they can call out to. You show Yourself in so many ways but Father they do not know how to recognise You. They do not know Father because the pain is so great. And they are crushed each day and every single night. They are woken in their slumber by a sharp pain. They are bruised, pressed down from every side and all they can do is lie there and hope for it to end, but it never seems to. That is not living. Father, they cannot go on like this. I cannot go on like this. With each story, the images flood my mind and throughout the day I revisit their stories. I weep when I am alone because I can only express myself fully to You. People might think I am crazy but I am pleading for others to join me because I cannot do this alone anymore. They need our prayers. Father, please assure me that You are moving. Even if showing me means I am lacking in faith and that I am asking to see to believe, would You humour me because I just feel so hopeless sometimes. And I need so much, Lord, to know that things are not getting worse but that my prayers are making a difference.
Father, if You are testing me in my faith, I have failed. But, I do desire to have the same attitude as Job. To make the decision to say that You know the way that I can take and after all this, I will be refined. I want to be able to say I did not walk away from You because of my discouragement, because of this great burden and fears. I want to keep to Your Word that I may do as You desire of me - be that salt and light to those around me.
In cowering, in weeping and accusing and seeking denial, I have become inefficient. I have lost the love for those who are immediately around me. I have not reached out to them. To my colleagues, to the students I have encountered. So many lives You have placed before me but I have neglected them because I have allowed my mind to be weighed down by this burden. And so I have not lived out Your love to those I see everyday. And they need You just as much. They have been through their own pain, their own struggles and suffering and now many of them have hearts that are hard. They need You just as much. Forgive me Lord for neglecting them. I want to be compelled by Your love. I want to walk in Your power and not in my own understanding and small measure of strength. Instead of grumbling and complaining about the students whom I find frustrating, I should be praying for their salvation. For if they really knew You, they would not just live for themselves or be drowned by expectations placed on them by their families. They will find that You are the source of everything they need. Even I am egoistic, even I am self centred. Yet I have You. They do not know You. Naturally they would live to protect themselves, meet their desires and interests. How could I judge them and not myself? For what else would they live for apart from what they know, apart from what they can see? Some choose to think the entire world revolves around them. They are rude and demanding and do not care who they tread on to excel. Some will live for the sake of those they love. Others will extend their circle of influence to bless communities and even nations if it is within their power to do so. How much more should I, with You calling and guiding and equipping and enabling and empowering, go out to draw lives to You so that they may be saved and healed and restored and cared for.
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