This season - lessons gained

It has been a long time coming. Me learning to place my security in God and trust Him fully. These are areas He has been speaking about for years as I have yet to completely overcome my lack of confidence in His goodness and sovereignty. God knows it will do me no good to continue with fear and worry. A pessimistic mindset will only make my future look bleak even if it holds promises of greatness.

This year has been one big lesson in placing my life squarely in God's hands without hesitating or changing my mind and taking it back. A lesson in understanding that God works in seasons, which makes recognising what season I am in crucial. I spent most of the year feeling guilty for taking a break, and trying to justify myself by looking constructive and busy. That did not achieve anything but make me feel harassed and tired.

At this point, though, I am far more settled and at rest. I have accepted that God has given me this time. He has provided for Fab and I to remain financially stable during this period. Denying that this was meant to be a season of rest only prolonged my frustration and sense of aimlessness. Demanding that God hurry with opening the door to my dream job only led to anxiety, impatience and dissatisfaction. I was far more concerned with the opinions of others than what God was trying to establish in my life.

It is more important for me to walk according to His plans than to be approved by people, however. All my life I have tried to live up to the expectations of others and now I ask myself what the purpose of that was. God has written my destiny and it is up to me to discover what that is. I could conform to the patterns of this world by meeting the standards set by societal culture and norms but this would probably lead me in the other direction. If I answer only to humankind, I miss out on the truest relationship of all and lose myself in the process.

I want to experience's God peace. The only way that is going to happen is if I assess my decisions against what God thinks of me and my life. I could receive the most logical sounding advice from others but if it opposes God's good, pleasing and perfect will, it would be pointless to follow suit. My advisers did not pay the way for me to have salvation and an eternity of joy and meaning. I don't belong to them. I belong to God and His kingdom.

I am more than a daughter, friend and wife on earth. My self worth extends beyond my roles and responsibilities. I am no lesser than the next person even if I do not hold a job, earn a certain wage or have children. There are those who are convinced otherwise and somehow believe it is their place to remind me of my duties. They do so perhaps because they love me and are afraid I am headed for destruction. I am after all 30 and have been married for two years. Perhaps they are not able to see it any other way. This is not the time to be figuring my life out, or is it?

One day I will look back on this season and say it was but a flash in time, yet it prepared me for what was ahead. I will proclaim the benefits of this season and others will witness how I became a better person because of it.

It is easier to keep myself occupied than it is to consciously make the effort to slow down and reflect. To stop and question the motives behind my work, be it professionally, in ministry or even at home. Some call it an Asian mentality. The fear of being regarded as lazy and unaccomplished. The fear of missing an opportunity. So my days were filled with some form of activity or distraction, whether necessary or not.

By entering this season, I have been forced to confront where my security lies. To question who I am without my performance. Am I still worthy? Does my inactivity make me a failure? For years I survived within structure. Structure at work and structure in church. I abided by all protocol, I fulfilled all requirements, checked all task boxes. (Alright, so maybe I dropped the ball a couple of times) I met the part. But did I ever become the part or was I merely acting?

When all my titles are set aside, am I able to stand? When I do not have achievements and accolades to back myself up, can I still hold my head high? Do I know who I am apart from everything I have ever been involved in? If the reason for my involvement became to meet human expectations, does that mean my work over the years has counted for nothing? 

These are the questions I am finding answers to this year.

Still, I was beginning to worry that this year was becoming a total loss as well until Millie thanked me yesterday. Touching one precious life has made this journey all worth it. Truth be told, I thank God for Millie as she has encouraged me tremendously. Millie is a friend I feel refreshed being around. She makes me want to get closer to God just by being herself. We have great talks. Talks I hope will continue even though she'll be in Africa. Although I am going to miss my dear friend, I am so excited for God's grand plan for her to come to fruition!

God's timing is indeed perfect. He is neither slow, as we define slowness, nor fast. There are seasons that seem to go by like the crawl of a snail, but before we know it, time gets pulled out from other us and flies away like a magic carpet.

Elle gave me a great analogy today, a word she felt God give for this season. Dendrochronology. Or, for the lay person such as myself, tree-ring dating. No, Elle did not mention the word, she simply described the illustration. I found the term on Wikipedia.

As you may already know, the age of a tree can typically be ascertained by counting the number of rings on its cross section. Each ring represents a year in the life of the tree. Elle explained that the cross section of a tree can be likened to a clock. The only difference is it takes an entire year for the markings to make a full circle. A year may appear to be a long time, but in that year the tree matures and bears fruit. It endures different seasons and becomes stronger as it is allowed to follow its natural pace. For this reason, I think it is apt that the markings are also called growth rings.

Elle suggested that God is taking this year to build something in my life, and that I should not rush the process but take the time to understand what He wants to achieve during this time. It is difficult, she noted, to work with a clock that takes a year to complete one cycle. Difficult to consciously slow down and take stock of what is going on in and around our lives. However, we can reap from this practice.

When all is said and done, I want to know I kept in God's pace. That I walked with Him as His daughter and friend. That I was faithful with all He entrusted to me. If I do not know who I am and whether I can lean on my God in all situations, and I go about my day just pleasing others, that would be a waste. If I miss out on having an inseparable intimacy with my Maker, and the adventures He has waiting for me, the people whose criteria I matched will not be able to redeem my loss. So I live for Him instead.

I am handing Him my desires - for a job I love and feel thoroughly fulfilled doing, for healing, for a child, and to not be left out. I don't have to have all the answers right now. I don't need to justify what I'm doing (or not doing). There are others on this journey and one day my experiences will serve as a testimony for them to find freedom.

By the grace of God, I am where I am, I have what I have, and I am who I am. And I am learning to appreciate this chance and find joy, peace and hope in Him.

I am also grateful to Fab and my family, and all who have encouraged me in some way (in alphabetical order) - Ailing, Angela, Belle, Charis, Chia Yen, Elise, Faith, Hana, Jason Chong, Jodie, Judith (in Singapore), Julie, Kudzi, Lance, Liane, Millie, Nicole, Pei Yin, Priscilla, Rayson, Roy, Shin Yee, and Tom. If you're reading this and I forgot to place your name here, you have permission to leave a message with a cartoon face sticking out its tongue. I apologise in advance for my horrid absent-mindedness.