Learning to walk with God

"While they were worshipping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, "Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them." So after they had fasted and prayed, they placed their hands on them and sent them off." Acts 13: 2-3

The prophets and teachers in the church in Antioch did not hassle the Lord for direction. They did not constantly question what the next step would be. They simply worshipped the Lord and prepared themselves spiritually through a time of prayer and fasting. While doing so, God spoke.

It has been 9 months and a week since I resigned, following a strong prompting in my heart to set out in a new direction. It was time to move on, after months of crying and consulting. A fresh season awaited. In retrospect, I believe the decision was made at the right time as the department I was working in underwent a major restructure after I left. From what colleagues have described, it is best I didn't stay any longer.

Although God has given many promises, I have yet to uncover His specific calling for me. There is still little clarity in relation to the new direction He has been speaking of since the presbytery late 2008. He confirmed earlier on that He gave me this break, that it wasn’t a result of selfish intentions. Yet I never thought I’d be unemployed for this long. I wanted to complete a writing course and have some time to reflect, but I have continually searched for work closer to home. I set July as the month to begin a new position.

This year has made it Evian spring water clear, however, that God does not work according to my plans or timing.

My sense of identity and security have been threatened as a result, but God has remained unfazed by my apparent waiver in hope. Truth be told, He has orchestrated the events leading to such shaking of my foundation. A foundation I now realise was not in Him, and therefore unstable and bound for destruction.

I've learnt that who I am and my level of capability are independent of whether I have a baby (now that I'm 30 and our second wedding anniversary has passed), am in a decent job, and am serving actively in church ministry. I am, despite popular societal belief, not defined by outward appearance, possessions or measures such as employability, income level, status, and usefulness (for people who befriend others if the association reaps a desired benefit). I am loved and wanted even if the general community (or close ones) find me dull (or a sponge to my husband's assets).

Sure, I have now largely settled into my current state of, as some affectionately term it, "lady-leisureliness", and have become more comfortable with where I am at in life. But, thoughts of "When is this going to end? I need a paying job, a focus, a purpose!", "God, have You forgotten me or is this taking ages because I'm making mistakes?", and “Help, 9 months have gone down the loo, I want to do my life over!" still pop in.

I catch myself asking God for assurance in such moments, to tell me if He wanted me to spend the past months differently and whether I have failed the tests He lay for this season. Is there a project I should have begun? He has not given an answer but has instead assured me of His love and promise to make something great out of my life. He is mysterious but this ultimately provides joy and wonder in our walk with Him.

This journey has certainly been a lesson in walking. "No Jos, that's running. Slow down. Don't rush ahead of Me.", "No Jos, there's no need to glance backwards or halt and stare at what's behind." "Now you're just spinning in circles. Come with Me.", "Yes, walk alongside Me. I have plenty to show you, much to tell. Now isn't that better? You can catch your breath, straighten out your thoughts and appreciate everything we pass by. We'll even sit on a grassy hill sprinkled with flowers to take the view in and have a little nap. I've packed the snacks."

Enoch walked with God. He wasn't just before the Lord in service or following humbly after, but he walked in step with God as one would when regarded an equal or close companion. "Enoch lived 365 years and then was no more because God took him away." He didn't even face death. Perhaps God just wanted His best friend to hang out with Him in heaven. 

If I keep myself planted in my Maker's world (seeing this world from His heavenly perspective), I will be unperturbed, not only by the discouraging comments of others, but also by the calamities across our nations. I will be able to overcome my fear of confronting issues such as rape, human trafficking and abuse, and bring about a positive change.

It is like a dance. I lean back against Him to rest and draw strength. This renews my mind and heart and fills me to overflowing. Then I lean forward and pour out everything He has given me so others may share in the blessing. Then I lean back again. And so it goes. A gentle, easy dance. Yet one I have not quite gotten the hang of. I’m stiff and clumsy so dancing does not come naturally.

Rest is sometimes equated to laziness. Serve less in church and someone labels you a backslider. Take time off work and someone smirks jealously at your not having to contribute financially. The question emerges in conversations, “So what exactly have you been doing?”

A need to justify myself then arises. I have had to let go of this overwhelming urge. Still, it wins me over now and then. “I must prove I am not useless. I must prove I am not a terrible wife. I must show them I am indeed a good Christian girl. The filial daughter, the faithful church server, the respectable friend.”

One friend suggested I point out that ladies of leisure do not wipe, scrub, vacuum and mop, launder the clothes, grocery shop and cook, tidy the home, or keep check of the expenses. But I am tired of trying to retort ‘accusations’. I have lived years pretending, playing the part, and now I am tired, so please take away your expectations and just love me without conditions.

I am told God does. I used to think His promises were burdensome, too lofty to attain. “How unjust of Him to impose such pressure on tiny, unaccomplished me.” But no, with every calling comes the guarantee of His presence and help. I just haven’t come to a place of totally surrendering myself to partner with Him.

Yet I wonder, like in the song by Addison Road, “If everything comes down to love, what exactly am I afraid of”? God is neither insufficient nor incompetent. What good reason, then, can there be to not cry, “My soul longs for You...nothing else will do” like Misty Edwards?

Why does my soul long for someone or something else? Could anyone or anything match the grace of God? Could my husband, friends, or the internet be my security?

God, do not let me wander in the desert*. The disobedience of the Israelites resulted in aimlessness, fruitlessness and unnecessary suffering. You were holding a land flowing with utter goodness. You were promising rest, but they did not believe You. They died in the desert, missing out on all You had in store for them.

I have failed on many counts this year. I have been angry, impatient and depressed, none of which demonstrate faith in You and Your word. There are a couple of areas I know I need to address. Perhaps they are hindering me from moving into Your promised land.

I worry I am taking longer than necessary, for a couple of people have mentioned that some are slower in figuring things out though good will come of it. I don’t want to be seen as slow. I am guessing You are not concerned with such things. You are shaking my foundations and directing my eyes to You. You want my undivided heart, my full attention. You are not in a hurry to get things done. You care about the process not just the outcome.

God, may I truly enjoy You. May this year count for something really good.

*Fab inadvertently said “They wandered in the dessert” during his teaching on Sunday, before quickly correcting himself. Liane turned to me with the response, “Jelly pudding. No wonder they found it difficult to get across. It was so wobbly.” I pictured the Israelites with their feet stuck in red jelly and custard flowing around them, looking rather perplexed. She made me smile.