Who is more important to you?

1st Wedding Anniversary Aug 2009
Salt Village, Kingscliffe

Fab and I studied the first seven verses of 1 Samuel together last week, which led to a discussion about us. We had a couple of misunderstandings to clear. I have come to realise that my response to conflict is running and hiding. If I anticipate a negative comment towards me, I head in the opposite direction. I don't handle criticism, as constructive as it may be, very well.

Ironically, Fab has never uttered a harsh word. There are times he gently points out certain habits of mine that have caused him frustration or simply shares what is weighing on his mind and heart in relation to work, ministry and other areas of life. Although nothing is said in a demeaning or critical fashion, my guard rises when I think he is directly or indirectly voicing a concern with me.

I read too much into what is being said or not said and create my own interpretations of nuances, where none exist. By becoming defensive and turning my back, I send the message that I am not interested in hearing him out. I vanish because I am afraid of being hurt, as silly as it sounds. Thankfully, Fab remains patient and assuring of his love.

It has grown more apparent how we sometimes vary in communication style. We have different filters through which we process what we see and hear. This comes from our respective upbringings, life experiences, personality and level of maturity. There is no norm, as I inadvertently assumed. I may be accustomed to others responding in a certain way but cannot expect him to follow suit.

This was discovered when we reflected over certain past interactions. Nothing would have been resolved, however, had Fab not mentioned how he was being affected some nights earlier. It was one of those, "you tend to..., it makes me feel...because I think you..." conversations. All I heard was "I'm unhappy with you. You always..." so after mumbling I don't do whatever it is all the time, I turned the other way in bed. We didn't speak further and he fell asleep.

Fab broached the subject again after our bible study and we shared how each of us have been perceiving the other's words and behaviour. He confessed to feeling pressured to fix the supposed problem whenever I made certain comments. I, on the other hand, was not expecting him to find or be the solution. I was just mentioning whatever was at the top of my head in relation to what I was doing, like "the kitchen sink has a funny smell" or "the Internet connection suddenly dropped out on my laptop today and I tried everything I could think of but it didn't work". I wondered why he would give me a particular look, walk away, or give what seemed a dismissive reply.

Our conversation trailed off then, after a pause, Fab softly asked, "I know this may sound strange, but who is more important to you, you or I?" Whoa, I was not expecting that! But it made me acutely aware of my self centredness. All this while I had been looking out for my interests and feelings more. I wanted to be pleased, comforted, affirmed. Yes, I love and care about him but I have at times placed my desires above him. To Fab, I am more important and so he generously gives in order that I may be happy.

His question challenged me. It reminded me of my mother's pep talk. She pointed out that I do not consider Fab's needs and wants enough. I've held a grudge towards her comment as I did not find the example she used to back her observation fair. When Fab innocently asked the question, I realised my pride was the cause of anger at my mother's remark. I felt accused when she made it but in hindsight she was teaching me out of love and a recognition of the effect of my character flaw.

I have a long way to go in surrendering my rights to God and learning to be humble before Him and in all relationships but I want to love freely, not selfishly. I want to view others with God's perspective not my own. I so easily condemn others but it is not my place to judge. Lord, please continue to renew my mind and change my heart.