Convicted

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In this season of doubt, confusion and discouragement, I've neglected God and put His agenda by the wayside. I have wanted control, creature comforts and financial security. I have craved for stability and emotion fillers to satisfy my desire for intimacy, attention and affection. 

On Sunday the 22nd, we listened to a sermon that had been recorded during the morning service at the Brisbane branch of our Church. The message was about giving to the Lord and how having the right attitude and being free to give (not clutching onto our possessions) releases blessings over our life and advances God's kingdom because it's a direct and eternal investment.

The preaching convicted my heart, and this is rare as I usually don't walk away from a Sunday session feeling anything in particular or moved to action. I didn't take any notes. I just listened intently and remembered the days when I had chosen to build God's house before mine. When putting aside a certain amount of savings towards His purposes was a natural part of life, even if there were moments I felt the cost. I had sacrificed this healthy practice when I resigned from work and went into a whirlwind of worry, questioning and retreating within myself. 

During the message, I became convicted to lay a certain figure before God. This sum is by no means small, and more so given my present circumstances of having no income or job prospects (as far as I can see). I felt God remind me of His encouragement to not despise the days of small beginning and to place my trust in Him. God is faithful. He has always provided and it's no different now. He owns everything. My fears and anxiety have been my downfall over and over, and they have robbed me of peace, joy, hope and the ability to move forward and enjoy life and relationships. 

Honestly, I have no idea how I am going to come up with the money but God has told me not to lean on my own understanding of situations. I have no foresight when it comes to my future but He sees it all, has planned it all and is taking care of it all. I just have to walk as He presents each step. It's just a matter of moving one foot in front of the other at the pace He chooses. It is slow and steady and I need to learn to be patient and still so I don't fall over in my wanting to prance ahead.

Work has been frustrating, to say the least, but it's a stage of pioneering to birth something great. Something that will take off in a giant explosion at some point. Yes, it will. At some point. I am hoping really soon but again it's about trusting in God's perfect timing. 

It has been a drag without the vision, wisdom, creativity and passion. My heart has not been in many things. I don't even know where my heart is, really. I have not wanted to get up in the mornings, and have been living in a fantasy world. A place of escape created by my emotions. But my daydreams cannot carry me into my God-given destiny so I have to choose to live. Here. In reality. In the present. For the future. For God. For loved ones. I have to look beyond my desires and be faithful. I am responsible. 

I placed my Church building fund pledge in the box yesterday as this will hold me accountable to what I have set in my heart to give. There can be no room for that little voice telling me it's alright not to fulfil this. God, I am putting You to the test right now...just like You said to in Malachi 3: 10.

{Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.}

Lord, I remember Your word about the rain. About me trying to collect it in vats and not having enough to contain everything You were pouring out. You have spoken about fruitfulness so much over our Church, especially in recent months. We are believing for it and we don't want to be the hindrances to Your work. I know I limit You with my rigid thinking, so help me throw off the boundaries when it comes to perceiving and responding to You. 

God, I look to You. I have been weighed down but I don't want to be overwhelmed any more. Please give me Your love for others. Please give me vision and wisdom. Please give me passion for You, people and the Great Commission. Take away my selfishness; my pride. Take away my unbelief and unwillingness. Move my heart everyday towards You. Towards action. Renew my mind with the Word I've been reading. Change the way I feel about myself, life and others. I want to be more appreciative and loving. I want to be driven and resolute. I want to be crazy, sold out, in love with You! Yup. I want to shine. I want to be the best version of me. The way You intended for it to be.