I could

I could wonder if I missed a given opportunity;
whether I was meant to take that content writing course
or some other form of study or prepare myself in some other way.

I could blame myself for all the videos watched,
which have probably killed a few brain cells.

I could get narky at the glass and wooden floorboards
that refuse to be free of white streaks.

I could question the point of my existence,
and spend hours in bed contemplating if I should bother getting up.

I could devise a plan to run away from my life,
and all I've ever known as a way of escaping my mistakes.

I could, but I won't. Well, not anymore at least.

I missed the exit onto the motorway back to the Gold Coast while driving home from the Brisbane airport. The roadworks threw me slightly and there was no way to turn back. I figured I would follow the city route home, which meant not having to pay a toll fee anyway. After finding myself in the Northern suburbs, I realised I should have followed the road towards Eagle Farm instead. Still, it wasn't a huge detour. I was soon on the Inner City Bypass heading for the Pacific Highway. There was no reason to hurry so I chose not to get angry at myself as I usually do under such circumstances.

The roundabout trip home got me thinking about the mistakes I have made in life. Mistakes more costly than simply taking a wrong turn on the road. It is not that I pin-pointed specific blunders or poor choices, but I reflected on how God's love and grace cover our wrongs. My slow judgement on the road meant a longer journey and a little extra on fuel, but it only took an additional seven minutes (maybe I was driving like a maniac). There was still a way back. Signs to where I was supposed to go.

Although I have failed to make the right decisions in life, hindering growth and progress, God has found a way to work with these errors. After all, He knew from the start I would be making them. I would be lying if I said I don't have regrets, or worry if I have disqualified myself from certain good things. But, mulling over the past only costs me more time and energy. It takes my attention away from what God is establishing in the here and now. It's like driving with my focus fixated on the rear view mirror and not on the road in front.

God is bigger than my mistakes. I can learn from past ones. I admit to being concerned about the future but that is where the trust comes in. I'm just afraid I'll not hear Him and lose out. I don't want to get to the end and realise it was all my fault. I've yet to become so attuned to God's voice. But I don't just want to stick to God so that my life will turn out great and I'll make something of myself. I want to stick with Him because I love Him. Maybe then will my anxiety of missing His best disappear. Actually, I stand corrected. Knowing and loving Him gives me everything. I should see nothing more valuable than that. Not any other blessing.

No doubt, it is difficult to plan ahead when there are variables I cannot control. Yet failing to plan equates to planning to fail. What I can do is put into place events and activities I have knowledge of. At this stage, God has not stopped us from moving back to Singapore, so we have worked out a logical time frame for this. Then there are the three weddings to attend, so these have been locked into the calendar and holiday plans have been made. Flights have been booked. Research is underway.

If God's higher thoughts and ways allow for an "unforeseen" situation to arise, I will just need to learn to let Him make the big decisions. My plans should always be flexible in view of His will. Sometimes, it is just hard to let go and hand over the reins. But I cannot deny that God has been incredibly good and faithful. He does not upset our agenda simply because He gets bored and figures it'll provide some form of entertainment. There is always a greater purpose even if I cannot see it.

I often get mad when things do not go my way but God is teaching me humility and patience. Lessons like that are not gained when warning of an upheaval is given ahead of time. It is in that sudden moment of realising the situation is out of my hands that I am strongly persuaded to consider who holds my future. And who holds my future loves me with an everlasting love. That is all I need to know.

Right now, I commit my fears to You, Lord. I give over these negative thoughts. The discouragement that so easily sets in. I am contending for peace, for joy, for hope. Open my eyes, ears and heart to what You are doing in my life and around the world. Help me grasp the reason for this season and to not let it go to waste. Allow me to be a testimony. Help me understand how much of this I'm supposed to make happen and how much of this You're supposed to make happen so I don't confuse our roles.

Don't let me walk away from Your soft prompting. Don't let me build this relationship on fear and worry. I choose not to be offended or disappointed when it initially appears You have "disrupted" my plans. Yours are best. They always have been and always will be. Please forgive me for the times I have blamed You and cursed inside, and failed to appreciate Your heart's intentions.

Your Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

[Song: Power of Your Love by Don Moen]