Frustration

From the official 'Julie & Julia' movie website

Romans 8: 20-21 "For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God"

I've been frustrated with myself, with the season I am in, with God, with Fab. I realise the context of this scripture has to do with suffering but for some reason I felt led to read it during my quiet time with God this morning. I read the whole passage on Future Glory (verses 18 to 27, verses 26 and 27 being ones quoted by Dutch Sheets in the Intercessory Prayer book I am reading coincidentally), but my attention fell on verses 20 and 21.

God has been trying to shake off the things in my life that hinder me from being close to Him. I know that much, though I don't always appreciate seasons where His refining work is more evidently felt. He desires intimacy, a closeness that goes beyond what we may perceive intimacy to be (physical closeness, or more specifically sexual intimacy, because of what many movies and TV shows portray). An intimacy that is pure and is about Him simply wanting to be my best friend, one who knows my heart and can openly entrust the things upon His heart to me. Over these years I have allowed distance to come between God and myself.

This season of rest is one that challenges me to stop occupying my mind with everything apart from time with God. To stop being such a Martha and recognise what is most important. It was funny how Chung said, when praying for me a couple Sundays back, "Don't feel guilty for taking a break. Sometimes this is necessary". It is necessary. I wasn't headed anywhere. I was simply going with the flow and following instructions and surviving under the structure of my job and ministries. I was running on empty and not able to give of myself properly towards any one task or person. Everything was just so dissatisfying.

I was unhappy with work, I was unhappy with church and ministry and slowly I became unhappy with my relationships, especially my marriage. And that's when the alarm bells went off. But though I have resigned and am taking an indefinite break from certain responsibilities, I am still unfulfilled. That's why I need to turn myself to God and stop trying to fill the emptiness inside with little projects and people. I have been expecting more from Fab than he is able to provide. He cannot replace God in my life. That is not his role, the same way it is not my role in his life.

At this point, I need to remind myself daily that God has it all planned out. That my future is certain because it is in His hands. And it is not a dull, limited future because God is able to do immeasurably above and beyond all that I can ever ask for or even imagine. He is beyond my comprehension and I cannot define Him with my limited thinking. I see God through my filters, my coloured lenses and often that makes me forget that He is good and is the giver of good things.

When God asks me to delight in Him, patiently wait for Him and not go my own way and fret over all the things I hate in this world, I tend to question His intentions. I ask Him things like, "God, what are You waiting for exactly? Why does it seem that You are biased against women and children? What about their justice? Aren't You going to intervene or vindicate them? Why do so many children suffer from diseases? Why are so many children sold into slavery, particularly for the sex trade?"

Knowing the answers are too much for me to handle, God gently reminds me that He does not think and work the way I do or the way humans do, so what I see as Him being cruel or negligent is actually not so. The true picture is far greater than what I envision it to be. I see a corner of the puzzle, or perhaps just a piece, and so I think I know the solutions. But I don't. Isaiah 25: 1 says "O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt You and praise Your name, for in perfect faithfulness You have done marvelous things, things planned long ago".

God wants me to focus on being close to Him. He tells me He's taking care of what's happening out there. But why do I feel guilty for waiting while others are suffering so badly? I am lacking trust. I am lacking a personal revelation of God's love and grace for humankind. For each one, male and female. I ought not to give up praying but my praying needs to come from a place of believing instead of fear and resentment. God is asking me to let go, to put away the things of the past, the things that rob me of joy and hope and peace so I may be free to enjoy my relationship with Him, and from there enjoy life as a whole (relationships with others, ministry, career...).

I just learnt today that delighting in God (Psalm 37: 4) means regarding God as a delicacy, as wondrous, and enjoying His presence (His being with me), and relating with Him. Apparently the only other time the same Hebrew word for delight (oneg) is used in the Bible is in Isaiah 58: 13-14, where we delight in God by honouring Him, by resting in Him and not busying ourselves with our own little lives. By not speaking meaningless or hurtful words or choosing stubbornly to do as we please and not what pleases God. By keeping His Word.

I had a great chat with Millie today. She's been on her own journey. Her own new season. But much of what she has been thinking and feeling and struggling with resonate with me, which is great because I can relate to what she has learnt from God during this time. She's learning to see God in a different way, in a more personal way. She's moving from head knowledge to heart revelation. I need that. A deep, personal revelation of the cross (what Jesus did for each one of us) and of God's love and grace.

I keep trying to rush through this season, secretly hoping God will just fix me in an instant so I can start that amazing new career that allows me to do what I am passionate about (for now I think that means writing but I am not entirely sure). And be a "normal married woman", i.e. someone who wants children. I know, I can be pretty ridiculous at times. I can hear Julie Powell's husband saying to her, "Don't get carried away" when she remarked (in the movie Julie & Julie), "I was drowning and she pulled me out of the ocean".

The process is going slower than I had hoped it would. Probably because I have not quite worked out how to cooperate with God properly. So a month and a week have gone by and I am still not gainfully employed. I shall endeavour to hold onto His promises and hope for what I do not yet see but am assured of because God is good and the giver of all good things. (Note to self: recite this like a mantra until the truth sticks to my dense brain cells!) More self talk is needed sometimes. As in an intentional telling-to-oneself to not let little things upset me or distract me. Thank you to Millie for encouraging me to "fight for my connection with God" and not let personal offense (perhaps in the way of someone cutting me off in traffic or a hurtful comment whether intended to harm or not) cause me to think negatively the rest of the day or week.

One thing I have figured out is this: my self worth and identity as a woman and a wife is not attached to my husband's lunch. If my husband is the one to iron his shirt for the day or make his own sandwich for lunch, this is alright. It does not make me a bad or useless partner. I have a long way to go in transferring my security from people and things to God, but I think I am on the way.