Just in time

Romans 12: 12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer"

Aren't You always Lord? Your timing is perfect. This season has been uncomfortable. It's been three months since I resigned to pursue a new direction. In the first few weeks I felt guilty for taking a break and condemned myself for being useless. For not being able to clean our home properly or cook like an award-winning chef for my husband or contribute financially. You assured me this break was a gift from You. Yet my mind and heart have not truly rested.

Sure, I started to enjoy sleeping in and having the days to myself in our quiet little townhouse, listening to music, watching videos, doodling, painting, blogging, reading, emailing, facebooking. And days spent with a friend. But there have been days I question the point of even getting up. I was meant to dedicate this time to learning how to enjoy my relationship with You again but this has not been successful. You said You would give me a new heart and restore the mystery and wonder I once beheld. Nothing has changed so far. Am I missing something?

I'm almost constantly worrying and as I struggle to cling onto Your promises and a clear vision, I find myself falling into laziness and defeat. I should have found a job by now but have not. What's worse is I cannot answer the common question others have, "what sort of job are you looking for?"

I want to write. That I know. And for now I have decided it would be great to write for a Christian magazine. My hope is that I can be a voice for the voiceless and positively impact people all around the world through my writing. This dream seems so idealistic and somewhat unattainable at the moment. I feel silly expressing this as a response to certain people. My mind tells me I need to be practical and just find work with a sustainable income.

My heart knows full well I do not want to return to doing what I ended up dreading - basic administration. Routine, mundane and seemingly meaningless work. It also recalls Your promise of a surprise. Of taking a different path where what I will be doing will bring me joy, though I have no experience in it. You did say this new direction would seem economically unviable but I would see the outcome eventually. Then, there would be an awe for what You are accomplishing in and through my life.

Why then am I doubting, and feeling lost and unmotivated? What should I be doing to prepare myself for what is to come? I took the writing course. I could just start pitching stories to editors but I don't have any solid ideas as yet. Oh wait, maybe that's a lie. I think the truth is I lack the confidence to pursue those ideas. To place myself in what seems like a precarious situation. A place where I could be faced with rejection and criticism. But I will never progress unless I take the step of faith and just do something right?

I have written to one editor. Just one. And now I anxiously await a response. Already I am regretting the way I phased the email although I re-read it several times and made a few amendments. Perhaps I should not have alluded to the fact that I am a complete amateur. Perhaps I should have been more professional. Why oh why did I think to include this blog address? I practically shot myself in the foot. Or did I?

As I mull over my approach and continue sifting through hundreds of jobs that simply do not suit or interest me, fear keeps sticking its crooked long fingernails into my heart and laughing in my face. It feeds me with thoughts of inadequacy and nightmares of people and wild animals hurting me. Crazy, I know.

The only jobs I could apply for lead me back to what I left behind three months ago. I refuse to revisit that rut. But somehow my resilience is waning as I wonder how long it will take for me to be established in the promised new path.

In the midst of my anxiety and worry, You have brought me this verse. You ask me to take joy in the hope You have given through Your promises, to be patient in my circumstance and faithful in seeking after Your heart. I will remind myself not to play comparisons with other writers or people who are successfully doing what they're passionate about. I will trust You for You have asked this of me over and over again. You have promised to provide for our needs and I know You never shortchange anyone.

Thank You for being my greatest cheerleader and placing great cheerleaders in my life (Mum, Pa, Banga, Fab, Shin Yee and different ones in church) whom I can see, audibly hear and run to when I get scared and frustrated.