More than a secretary

I found it difficult to get into His presence during the worship in Church again. And for some reason, I was so drowsy that my mind wandered during the sermon. I did catch parts of it though. I figured it would be another routine Sunday. Another Sunday of not really connecting with God. Still, I decided to respond to the altar call, hoping someone would pray for me without asking why I was there.

I was standing at the end of the line of people up front and started to wonder if I should just walk away as I had done a couple of times in the past two months. I wondered if God would speak to me about my current season. Something told me to wait.

The guest preacher came up to me as I had my eyes closed. I was quietly singing and felt a hand sit lightly on my left shoulder. He prayed indistinctly for half a minute before tapping me slightly. "Do you like administration?", he asked, brown eyes looking intently at me. "Sometimes", I said. "Mmm...do you do it because you have to?", was his next question. "Many times yes", was my response.

He thought for a second and asked, "What ministries are you involved in at Church?" I gave him a brief rundown and then mentioned I had worked in administration for five years and left my job at the end of January. The preacher smiled and said, "I didn't know you were working in administration. The vision I had as I began praying was of you sitting at a desk in front of a computer. It was like you were in a receptionist type role as someone came along and pressed the bell at the counter to get your attention. Does this relate with what you were doing?"

He barely knows me. But he hit the nail on its head. My mind traced back to what one student asked years ago. "Do you actually know anything or are you just the receptionist?" He wanted to know if I was familiar with the programs and courses offered by the faculty I was working at. I recalled the arrogance in his voice and his smug expression. Then I started to remember being yelled at by teaching staff and students who made it clear I was worth nothing. I may not have received such comments when I moved into an academic advising role three years later but the work was still mundane. I didn't learn anything new in all the five years I was at the university. I had to bite my tongue everytime I was spoken down to or was faced with an unreasonable student.

"Yes, that definitely relates", I finally said. "When I saw the vision of you, I felt God say that He has built you for more. You are more than just a secretary. He has made you for far greater things", the preacher said. "Anyway, was there something you came forward to receive prayer for?", he asked softly. "No, that was it actually. That was exactly it", I said, almost tripping over my words.

Tears began to fall as I fumbled to explain that God has given me promises of something new but the promises are vague as to what direction I should take. I mentioned the concerns I have received about not being employed, and how I could just return to what I was doing since that is all that is available to me at present. "But I want more. God has promised me more but there have been no open doors". I looked down and said in my heart to God, "I just want to feel alive. I just want to feel alive".

The preacher encouraged me to pray specifically at that moment for what was on my heart. To just pour everything out to God. "Talk to God in your heart. I will support you in prayer" he said. So I lifted my hands to God and began crying out in my heart as the preacher prayed over me audibly. I asked God for a job that would allow me to release the burdens I have carried since I was young. A job that would allow me to write and impact the world for God. I want to be His mouthpiece to bring truth, love, hope and restoration to women and children across this globe. I want to bring God's joy through my writing. I don't want a job that will drain me again. I want a job that is not separate from the things that matter to me. I want my job to be my greatest ministry. I want my life to tie together. I don't just want a job for the income. I want a job I am passionate about. A job I love and feel fulfilled in.

When I received a discouraging phone call last week, I began selecting administrative jobs I am qualified to apply for, and placed a link to the selection criteria, that needs to be addressed, on my desktop. Those documents remind me of what I have left behind. If I apply for these jobs, I feel like I'll just be settling again and will not be able to move on even if I remain in them only temporarily. It took courage for me to leave my last job and walk into uncertainty, silly as that may sound. Why should I have to turn back and throw myself into the rut I finally climbed out of? I feel stuck in this transition too but at least I took that first step to get out of what was making me feel dead, unhappy and dissatisfied.

I needed the affirmation I received last night at Church. I needed another confirmation from God. He did say at the start of my unemployment that He was giving me this break. He did say He was cutting the strings so I didn't have to feel like a puppet anymore. He did say I have the power to make my own decisions as I have never believed this (and still lack the conviction). He did tell me to go ahead and doodle, draw, paint, write, create things...in short ENJOY myself. That is one thing I have struggled with - giving myself permission to truly enjoy life as a whole, not just have fun on some days.  He asked me to trust Him and give Him my cares. Why do I still hold on to my worries and fears?

My gratitude goes to the people who have been supporting me through prayer, encouragement, and valued company. A special thank you to my husband who has been my biggest support. He has seen me on my best days and my worst. He saw this even before we started dating yet he chose to stick by me and love me. He is my closest friend, my ever dearest companion. He has never stopped believing in me even when I was close to giving up all hope on several occasions. Even when I was (am) a complete mess.

A huge thank you to God who sees me worthy of more than a deadbeat job.

Click here to read about my journey. I may have missed one or two related posts when including the links but you'll get a pretty good idea of what's been happening. As for me, I need to remember everything God has spoken to me about and not doubt but keep my head up high.