fly

There's a fat fly in my room that I can't get rid of. I'm still dreaming about weddings (talk about totally different trains of thought!)...have I told you about the time I suddenly started obsessing over getting married? It hit me that I was passing the age I had planned as perfect for this next big step and so I panicked and my biological clock did a somersault, leaving me disillusional, half way between fantasy land and antsy anxiety.

There are times I still picture what it would be like to be proposed to, to walk down the aisle. But then I can't work out the rest of it in my head and I know I'm not ready. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. There are so many areas I need to settle and grow in first. I have to admit the age thing still gets me sometimes especially as I see my peers tying the knot. When I learnt that one set of friends had just gotten engaged, I was elated but then the day it got announced, a great big lump welled up in my throat and I fought hard to keep the tears back. They're ready and I'm really glad for them.

It's just odd though how my emotions would play up on me out of the blue...it somewhat shocked me when I would think about how others were moving into this new chapter and I wasn't and I'd get frustrated with myself, with my partner and even start sobbing from the great big ache in my heart as if there was a deep loneliness or emptiness within. Once in a blue moon (or thereabouts) now something triggers this sadness but then God reminds me that I belong to Him, that I'm whole in Him and that He is my everlasting companion so I've not been bawling my guts out anymore.