I am still paranoid in many ways about the new phase of my life and I believe it carries across all areas even now. What I mean by that is I am fearful of being a wife and freaked out that I may be a mother unexpectedly too soon and well, I've got a group of ladies to look after at the moment as part of my ministry and already I'm thinking that if I can't even do a great job with them, how on earth am I going to raise one up from scratch properly? Sure, I am to trust in God and there is the husband (currently the husband-to-be, who by the way is a real God-send, he's truly amazing and I am so grateful) and yes I am running way ahead of myself but these thoughts have been looming over me since the Big Question was popped and I gave the 'ok'.
Today, I chanced upon a helpful article. It talks about motherhood but also addresses fears I harbour even though I have yet to walk down the aisle: Identity Interrupted - it speaks of finding oneself again. I like my life the way it is. I am selfish and self centred and I know it and I am trying to let God change me but I also enjoy my freedom, my sleep, my space, my way of cleaning and organising my stuff so the next few chapters of life are going to be very interesting and hopefully not a rude shock. I have suffered depression before and I am not at all keen to walk that road again. It may have only lasted all of three months (the worst times anyway) but it was enough of a glimpse to make me shudder at the thought of feeling that out of control and hopeless. God, I'm going to be clinging on for dear life because I need you so ridiculously and yet rationally much! Another good read if you are anything like me is : Married with Selfishness.
I'm noticing (and this is a side note) that I am really drawn to the fact that these women are writers because I know God has placed a calling over my life to write but I have yet to find out what it is I am meant to be writing, to whom and how and where or when. For now, it's a purpose in the making, something to be slowly but surely expanded upon as I pursue God and He enlarges and clarifies my vision. It's so good to know many others actually experience the same things I do. God always reminds me not to be like Elijah who thought he was the last prophet. We are unique but we are not alone. I always say no one understands but God does and 10,000 people across the globe probably do too.
Today, I chanced upon a helpful article. It talks about motherhood but also addresses fears I harbour even though I have yet to walk down the aisle: Identity Interrupted - it speaks of finding oneself again. I like my life the way it is. I am selfish and self centred and I know it and I am trying to let God change me but I also enjoy my freedom, my sleep, my space, my way of cleaning and organising my stuff so the next few chapters of life are going to be very interesting and hopefully not a rude shock. I have suffered depression before and I am not at all keen to walk that road again. It may have only lasted all of three months (the worst times anyway) but it was enough of a glimpse to make me shudder at the thought of feeling that out of control and hopeless. God, I'm going to be clinging on for dear life because I need you so ridiculously and yet rationally much! Another good read if you are anything like me is : Married with Selfishness.
I'm noticing (and this is a side note) that I am really drawn to the fact that these women are writers because I know God has placed a calling over my life to write but I have yet to find out what it is I am meant to be writing, to whom and how and where or when. For now, it's a purpose in the making, something to be slowly but surely expanded upon as I pursue God and He enlarges and clarifies my vision. It's so good to know many others actually experience the same things I do. God always reminds me not to be like Elijah who thought he was the last prophet. We are unique but we are not alone. I always say no one understands but God does and 10,000 people across the globe probably do too.
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