When I get uncomfortable from the pestering of my stomach, I can pull something out of the pantry. That's something that's easily done. There are people who don't even know what a pantry is because they've never seen one, let alone had one. As I stood in the kitchen with a nutella sandwich, I wondered, "How many do I honestly need of the things I own?"
I'm glued to my laptop. You cannot pry me from the Internet on most days. I'm dependent on technology and even more so on material comforts. I am concerned about the server crashing and losing this blog. I am surrounded by things and yet I want more. I fuss about finances and envy what others have. I dream about vacations, pretty dresses, stationery stores and cafes.
My salvation could very well be hanging in the balance.
I used to think it would be hard for people who have endured horrendous suffering to accept God because they would be questioning how One who calls Himself love and all-sovereign could allow them to go through such pain. But now I see my desire for self preservation, safety, security, stability, health and strong relationships is preventing me from experiencing God fully. I hear sermons about dying to our rights and surrendering our entire beings, and though I may confess to wanting that, I am afraid. I am afraid because I want those other experiences more.
I don't have the guts to pray for God to do whatever it takes to get me to a place of total abandonment. I don't want Him to take away my family and friends, or destroy all my possessions. In fact I pray He will let me grow old with Fab and give us good health and let us pass away in each other's arms under peaceful circumstances. I remember the recurring nightmares of not being able to protect the ones I love and I hate the feeling.
Francis' message is the truth but the question is, what am I going to do about it? I don't have forever to make the right decision.
Where are you at? Here's an encouraging message about Giving and Gaining.
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