Guilty as charged! You'll never find someone who wants to play it safe more than I do. I've had all those thoughts, the ones Francis verbalised in his illustration. I do have hopes of dying by going to sleep, having a good dream and just slipping away before anything bad happens in life. Why? Because it's safe; it's peaceful; it's easy and painless. But it's also pretty pointless living like this as he very clearly pointed out.
Just last night at prayer meeting, Judith told me she heard God giving two words repeatedly - "Warrior Princess". "I feel He's saying He's made you for more. You're not as feeble as you think you are. It's time to step out", Judith said. This word confirms what others have spoken over me. I remember the first time God brought up the analogy of a warrior. It was about 5 years ago when I was in the working adults group in Hope Brisbane. Peter Truong prayed and prophesied over each member of our team before we went out to talk with people in the city about God.
When it came to my turn, I quickly asked God in my heart to call me a warrior if He knew I had it in me. I said, "I hate being powerless and scared all the time. I wish I were more like those brave people who just get out of their comfort zones and pursue you 110%. I want to be like that." A 'fearless fighter' was what Peter first declared. He went on to talk about me being a visionary leader and a trailblazer, writing the vision for others to follow. "Write it down and trust God. Go read Habbakuk's story. You will pioneer something and at first it will be hard and seem really slow, but eventually people will catch the vision and join you. You will not be alone the whole way", Peter said.
Prior to that, I had no clue about Habbakuk so it surprised me when I found his opening lines so easy to relate with. I was naturally pleased as punch that God had said all that, but it didn't change anything in my life. I still hold the recording of Peter's prophecy on a CD in our bookshelf, and it's been joined by similar words given throughout this season by different people at different times.
I'm still afraid. Trusting God and acting with faith have been central themes throughout my life. In the 2008 presbytery, God made it crystal clear that fear would be my downfall and that I had to learn to lean on Him fully. Close to three years later and here I am still hiding at home.
What is this "more" He keeps bringing up? I can't see myself the way He does. What I am finding is that the 'new things' in this season have been falling into my lap. I couldn't have made any of them happen so I know it's entirely God.
He introduced Sharon Goldner, the team from Mission Educate, Kirrily Holmes and now Erica Bartle. Sharon and Erica were not obligated to respond when I wrote to them about their blogs, nor were they obliged to extend themselves. Yet not only did Sharon offer to edit my articles for submission, she embraced me as a friend and has never been less than an inspiration and encouragement. She genuinely believes in me and that is huge considering we've never met.
I was telling Fab last night that God has brought me into Mission Educate at an exciting time. Although progress has been slow in my opinion, change is just around the corner, and given the organisation was founded in 1999 and has only recently taken on a global focus and started developing firm plans for operational sustainability, progress is fast in the big picture.
God has also just brought in Kirrily. She's known members of the Mission Educate Board for years yet has not been involved in any projects until now. Her story is just incredible and I am convinced everything has taken place in perfect timing because God's awesome like that. When she told me a little about her background and history of work and ministry commitments, something clicked and I walked away thanking God for this divine appointment. I will share more as this journey unfolds.
Today, I'm meeting Erica, founder of Girl with a Satchel, because who would have thought but she's based right here on the Gold Coast. A coincidence, I think not! I didn't expect she would offer to meet me but she has and I am so grateful to God for presenting this amazing opportunity to learn from an expert. I don't know how today's encounter will go or what exactly will come of it but I'm going to leave this in God's most capable hands.
All that is 'new' in this season has been delivered by God, stamped with love. Sure, trying to pioneer something at Mission Educate with no past experience in the field has been frustrating, but being with the team has revealed my true self - the ugly attitudes, motives and desires - and taught me about perseverance. I have yet to achieve this but I see it in every person at Mission Educate. I see their drive and commitment that overflows from their love for God. They are humble, sacrificial and the hardest workers I've ever met. They're not afraid to step out and reach for what God has promised. They have built something from nothing, and that something is really something.
On the contrary, what has required effort has somehow been in vain. The countless (I honestly cannot recall how many I have sent to date) covering letters and addressing of selection criteria have pretty much come to nothing. I have another interview on Tuesday so we'll see how that pans out, but I look back and ponder over what's been done. If God keeps telling me He's built me for more, that I'm more than an administrator and there's a new direction to be taken and a surprise to be received, what are my actions revealing?
I know I've sent those applications out of guilt for not having a stable income and because I don't want people to think I'm lazy and useless. It matters whether I'm contributing financially in our marriage. My identity is still caught up in my performance and how others perceive me. I'm not living by faith and without faith it is impossible to please God. So what now?
Practicality says: Take the 9-5 job (but that's if I even get one at the rate things are going) and do the fun stuff on the side. Then, when the things you're passionate about have grown to a point where you can turn them into a viable career, do that. You want a job that combines what you love and holds meaning and purpose for you. You don't want to return to that disconnect between work, ministry and other areas of life. But you're fluffing about and wasting time and other valuable resources. You've just been taking up space. You're not being a good steward, a good Christian leader, a good wife, a good friend, a good anything but a bum.
Do I turn around and shoot Practicality so he's not barking behind me? What then? Run to God is all I can think of. I've been neglecting Him for the most part. I will need to pay for the consequences of the time wasted not seeking His heart fervently but perhaps it is not too late to start figuring things out now.
I have heard many share how what God calls them to seems completely illogical and impossible at the start but as He makes His plans known to greater detail, the outcome is tremendously thrilling. It's not that God isn't practical. He invented practical. He's orderly and holds all wisdom. It's that His thoughts and ways are far higher than ours.
I used to think that was a cop out excuse for whenever I wanted an answer, and got annoyed each time a leader responded with just that. It's the textbook reply, I used to think; the one they use when they don't know what to tell you and you become a case for the 'too-hard basket'. But over time, I realised it was the truth. I cannot reason God with my understanding. I cannot fathom His intentions fully because He is utterly blameless. How I think is filtered by sin. And compared to God, I'm not sure I'm even the size of a flake of dandruff on a micro organism. Oh, but how He loves us.
He is God and I am not. Full stop.
And now I shall learn to rest in that and let go of all that's making me want to sit down and cling to that wooden beam.
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| Found here - scroll down the post for the gorgeous bulldog and baby! |
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