This season (A really long post)

I haven't written a great deal about my current season although I have shared about it with various ones. Each time I speak with someone new I say to myself that I should record my journey, yet I haven't until now. For one thing, I don't enjoy talking about my season to just anyone. There's also been a laziness to actually put everything on paper, or screen in this instance.

Where do I begin? Perhaps with the beginning. That would make sense wouldn't it? I would say the most logical or prominent starting point is the presbytery in 2008, two or three months after Fab and I got married.

At that point, I was already finding my work dull and meaningless but I was not considering leaving it. I didn't ask God for anything specific, that I can remember, and just prayed that He would talk about future direction at the presbytery.

Amongst various words of encouragement and adjustment, there came a prophecy regarding future direction. In short, it was about how I would soon be taking a new path. A path that would seem economically unviable, particularly to those close to me. There would be a certain level of concern over whether the choice made was correct. Despite this, I should continue to love those who would be unable to support my decision. Eventually it would become clear what God's intentions for me are, and those who love me will be able to see the reason behind the change of direction.

Fast forward to a year later at the second presbytery. I am frustrated with my job and am getting tired of commuting for at least an hour and a half each way (at times this turns to three and a half hours) in peak hour traffic, and being carsick all the way home each work day. I see less meaning to my role at work and in ministry with each passing week. I know I am simply going with the flow as I have always done. There is no vision, no passion and no joy. I am performing my tasks dutifully but grudgingly. I may be faithful but I am certainly not fruitful. I feel trapped and have begun to resent where I am at.

The second presbytery does not bring any further indication or instructions regarding the new path so I conclude I should remain in my job and continue with my other commitments. By now I am bursting into tears after reaching the office some days and crying myself to sleep other nights. I literally do not even want to be at church anymore. I question whether I am still a Christian. This unnerves me. I am angry, agitated, discontented and quietly wish I could come up with a valid reason to leave everything behind and disappear until I have my future sorted and am seen as successful by those around me. Naturally I know this is childish thinking.

I speak with my husband and my mentor at church and start asking questions at work. I get advice from colleagues older, wiser and more experienced than myself and discuss my thoughts with my manager at our annual performance appraisal meeting. Several voice they did not expect me to last in the job for so long, considering the length of time I had been in the same mundane role and was now travelling a much greater distance. Each persuades me to take time to explore different options and to find something that will bring me joy and fulfillment. They understand I have not developed any skills over the past five years or gained any expertise. My mentor encourages me to consider a break from ministry. I feel guilty for not supporting my husband better.

There is much to contemplate and I finally muster the courage to let my parents in on the situation. I wouldn't dare resign if they thought I was being ridiculous. The correspondence goes surprisingly well and I grow a little confidence in choosing to leave my job with nothing mapped out. My booming fears of not having a job to go to, how that would be received by my family and Fab's, and how that would impact Fab subside just a smidgen. I still worry over our financial stability and what others will think of me. People I know less well at the office begin to hear rumours and ask if I am leaving to make babies. I sigh.

It is December and I bite the bullet. I gingerly hand my resignation letter in and my manager both smiles and shrugs. She is happy that I am making a decision for myself but wishes I would stay longer with the team. I talk again with my mentor and decide that it is best for me to step out of certain roles at church. I cannot wait to go home for the holidays. My head warns me I am just trying to escape. My heart is relieved the day of our flight back is drawing near. It hates the fact that I have been sobbing in the car on the way to church for the past few weeks.

Our Christmas and New Year break overseas comes around and I am incredibly anxious about facing my family and Fab's. I anticipate the questions, the comments, the judgement, the advice. All in all the trip goes well and I return to the Gold Coast mostly unscathed. There is one remark I hold in my heart. Oddly, it has nothing to do with my decision but I carry it with me even today. I really should exercise forgiveness and let it go. 

February roles round, the first of which marks the start of my unemployment. Fab and I go to Melbourne and I plan my days around sight seeing and catching up with friends. The test begins in the second week. All I can think of is how much I must be constructive and prove to the world that I am not useless and lazy. Comments about me becoming a lady of leisure and frittering away my husband's hard earned savings accumulate and crawl beneath my skin. Fab reminds me that he encouraged me to have a break. I cannot even count the number of times I nervously checked with him if he was certain this would be alright before handing in my resignation letter. I check with him again just to make sure, and do so perhaps once a week for the next few weeks.

A close friend at church approaches to ask how I am. Apparently Fab has expressed his fears about our financial situation. The friend assures me they told Fab not to worry and reminded him of the vision they received for us during the first presbytery and how God wanted us to trust Him for His provision. I am upset and wonder why my husband (my best friend) was not honest about his feelings. I confront Fab about this on the way home, only to be given a thoroughly blank look. Turns out Fab never mentioned anything to said friend. He asserts he is not concerned about our finances.

Weeks pass and the one good thing I had going for me ends. I have completed a five-week online writing course with the Sydney Writers' Centre, focusing on feature articles for magazines and newspapers. I have also discovered how upset I can get at myself over specks on the wooden floorboards at home. The writing course provided a constructive distraction from the housework and how deflated I was over my lack of abilities and impractical life choice. I return to berating myself over my decision to not work. I feel incapable of being a good Christian, a good wife and a good anything-useful.

Gratefully, God did not leave me hanging over that period. Watching me fling myself onto every ride and an award-winning roller coaster at Emotions-Central Amusement Park, He thought it best to put in a few words. He did so through various ones who prayed with me without knowing my situation or frame of mind. A pattern sprung up in the lines of encouragement. Each message clearly said, "Don't feel guilty. God is giving you this break. Don't rush ahead of Him. Allow Him to do what He needs to do in your life. Enjoy your relationship with Him". It was strangely difficult to be convinced of this and is still now.

It has been 15 weeks and 3 days since I resigned and the guilt is still here. I am also unable to enjoy my relationship with God. In fact I have not been able to worship in church or receive the teaching for months. I felt uncomfortable at the Easter service during the Oceania Convention. My insides were screaming for me to get out of the hall so they could breathe. I went home and quickly shoved a DVD from this year's Hillsong Womens' Colours Conference into my computer for some form of biblical input. Wow. What a power packed preaching! It was as if the speaker had prepared the entire sermon for me and I was the only one listening to it. It certainly was timely. I have since shared it with a few friends because I know it can impact many.

Between April and the first week of May, I devoured all eleven DVDs in the 2007 Colours Conference pack lent by Shin Yee. Again I felt each message was incredibly apt for this season. Tina Wong echoed the inspiration I received from those teachings at the Beautiful: Empowered Women weekend just past. Yet I am still at a loss as to what to do.

God has promised me a surprise. That was one of the things He said when I was prayed for in February. That He would give me a surprise. He promised I would start something new. Something I had not done before and did not have experience in. He promised it would bring me joy and that He would enable me to bring hope to people. I remember my mentor praying for me to have peace. This is a recurring theme. People often pray for me to have peace even when they don't know what I'm facing. It was mentioned in the first presbytery that I need to trust God, for fear will be my downfall.

I have spent this whole time trying to justify myself before people. Contrary to popular belief, my mind and heart have not rested since I left my job. I am so afraid to be seen as a burden to Fab. Scared to be labelled as lazy, useless and a time waster. Frightened to be judged and criticised. I have continually been sifting job sites and advertisements. There has been a constant pain running from the base of my head to the fingertips on my right hand. I have struggled to sleep many nights. It has been a battle to keep my motivation up. I find myself being less constructive by the day.

What would I do if God had not blessed me with a loving family, wonderful husband and friends like Shin Yee, Angela, Elise, Millie and Nicole (this list is by no means exhaustive)? I need to turn my attention more to God and stop letting the opinions of others discourage and sway me when they're negative.

I have received revelation haven't I? I have been faithful in imparting what I know to my sheep and certain ones around me haven't I? I have made a positive impact in someone's life haven't I? Now if I can just remember all I have uttered that made me think, "Wow, that was such a God thing! I couldn't have come up with that on my own. That must be the Holy Spirit talking". It would have been helpful if I had journalled those words.

I got a call today that set me back. A journal of revelations from God would have been helpful for such a day as this. Someone close decided to express their concern over my lack of gainful employment. They said I ought to consider the burden I am placing on my husband. That I need to remember Fab and I have other commitments and it is unfair to let him carry the financial weight alone. There is our mortgage and Fab's family to care for. They asked what Fab thought of my current state. My response was he is happy for me to be on a break. They laughed and said he didn't have a choice in the matter. Some advice and suggestions were given. They told me I cannot afford to be unemployed indefinitely. Who said anything about this being indefinite? I'm glad they didn't ask me for the umpteenth time how my housework was going. How does one keep answering that question anyway?

It is for this reason that I have withdrawn myself. I am tired of attempting to give an explanation. Tired of feeling I need to prove something. Of wanting to be accepted and approved. I tried to end the conversation and even lied about a headache. That didn't work. The person kept talking. Thankfully a new topic of discussion was brought up. I know this person loves me dearly and they mean a great deal to me. A great, great deal. Their approval is incredibly important. It always has been. Yet they are one person I want to avoid speaking about this season with.

Fab came home and after fifteen minutes of consciously pursing my lips shut, I blurted, "Are you disappointed in me? Am I a burden to you?" I proceeded to relay the phone conversation. "They're disappointed in me. They make me feel like I'm an awful wife. This isn't the first time they have alluded to me being inconsiderate of your feelings, needs and desires". I stress over these issues every day. I have since contemplating a resignation. I do worry about our finances. I do worry I am being a burden. I do worry I will never amount to anything. I do worry I am a stumbling block to my husband's spiritual growth when I struggle with my own walk.

Do they really think I have willfully chosen to be a lady of leisure? They may laugh when they deliver their remarks but you know what, I don't find such comments funny. I know them. I know they're not joking.  On the one hand it seemed they were supporting me but then I started to have doubts. What are they really thinking? They say they understand me and can read me. They have encouraged me. But today their words have hurt me. I won't forget what was said. I didn't bother telling them I have been looking at jobs this whole time and have made contact with a few key people. I left out the fact that I look at what is available and know I am not adequately qualified and it makes me feel very small.

Tomorrow, I shall start applying for jobs I am not interested in. They're the only kind I am qualified for. The routine, meaningless kind. It's easier to do that then deal with people. Maybe I really am meant to be working. Fab suggested it would keep me busy while I wait for my surprise. It does not have to be permanent. If we really return to Singapore indefinitely, it certainly will not have to be. He said, "Take up anything. We're fine financially. It can just be for one or two days so you can get out of the house". He knows I have stayed home to avoid spending money. He knows I feel guilty. I do need to occupy my time so I don't continue down this track of brooding. One could very well go insane. I have come close many times. There is so much time to fret over the social injustices and other causes of suffering in this world.

This too shall pass. This is just a season. Overcome this and I will be more prepared for what God has planned for me. He has asked I store His truth in my heart and teach it. I must not despise the days of small beginnings. He has given each of us a wonderful mind. There is wisdom to be harnessed and appropriated. I must not lose sight of my God. I must not give up trusting. I really want to remember the revelations I have gained in this time. I hope they come to mind again so I can jot them down. I don't want to forget. They're so important. I must write. And bring life through my writing.

I keep asking God how long this break is meant to be. His only response has been "Relax and be still". But I can't. I am edgy and anxious and want to be approved by certain ones. I must cling to Him and live for the audience of One (God).


To get a more complete picture, here are links to related posts in chronological order:

I just found this prayer I wrote at the start of the year. Can't believe I totally forgot about it.

November Post One - Choices
November Post Two - Moving on
February Post One - Feeling Empty
February Post Two - Things New and Not So New
February Post Three - Branching Out
March Post One - Crossing Jordan
March Post Two - Frustration
March Post Three - Related message (thanks to Charis)
March Post Four - I now know
March Post Five - Got a text
March Post Six - Habakkuk & Shin Yee
April Post One - Our invincible army
May Post One - Just in time
May Post Two - Related message (thanks to Vicky)