a little down

It's a new year, signifying a new start, new experiences, new decisions and discoveries (although it doesn't feel all too new now that 3 weeks have just flown by at the speed of an afternoon nap!). It should all be good. Fresh. A time to make new goals. To put the past behind and move on with lessons learnt from previous mistakes. With the determination to make more of an effort. To do better. Be better. Thing is, the older I get, the more down I seem to feel. Not about my age. But about the situations I am more likely to face. There is no excited anticipation. No keen hope, deep joy, burning passion. Just a desperate plea that everything will be alright and a hesitation to keep journeying. That's not how it should be. Where is my motivation? Drive, willpower, mojo. Whatever you want to call it. I'm just living on fragile emotions and a frazzled mind. This should be a year of detangling for me. Of getting myself out of the web of lies so cunningly and 'suffocatingly-tight'-ly wound around my every thought. Of finally learning to let go and move my security from my family, husband, friends, material comforts and luxurious life to God. The one thing He has been wanting from me since I emerged screaming my lungs out and taking in my very first breath of life. This should be a year of repositioning for myself.

And with that notion, I've started reading "Reposition Yourself: Living Life Without Limits" by TD Jakes. I partially thought that completing "Out of Control and Loving It" by Lisa Bevere and "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyers (which I read some years ago) and other brilliant books would change my life forever. But that wasn't so. Why? Because while I may read and ponder over and identify with the material, I seldom firmly apply the principles expressed into my own life. Somehow there is always a reason (more like excuse) as to why that is so. It might happen again with my reading intake this year. Or I might just surprise myself and actually do something about it. For once in my life. There were a couple of lines that really stood out in Jake's book. And when I can find them again, I will jot them down here.

For now, I shall tell you about my little incident yesterday evening while driving home alone from work. Fab had to go for a night site inspection for work purposes and so didn't reach home until past 9:30pm, leaving me to make the journey back by myself. I had to stop along the way to top up on gas, which was fine except for when I had to make a right turn at a set of lights just after exiting the highway towards the station we frequent due to the low price of fuel sold there. For some reason, as the lights turned green and I proceeded to make the turn, I couldn't make head or tail of where I was going. It wasn't that I suddenly lost use of my vision or that the sky was dark or the weather conditions unfavourable for driving. The sun was still out and everything was clear. My mind just could not process what I saw before me. I know that sounds really odd but it has happened to me on a number of occasions over the years I have been driving, and frankly I feel quite the retard. The way the roads were structured just didn't make sense to me at that split second and in my utter confusion, I overshot the opening to the lane I was meant to drive into and landed myself in a very awkward position at the intersection. It wasn't a straight cross-junction or t-junction. It was more like an amalgamation of main roads and side roads and other adjoining roads. Alright, it wasn't that complicated. I just can't explain what came over me. But as soon as I realised what I had done, I immediately turned into the appropriate road. Thankfully, the position the car was in still made this possible. It would have looked, on the outside, as a slight error in judgement with my turn but I knew it was more than that for me. It's like I blanked out though I was obviously very conscious. My heart skipped a beat. The whole affair took place within less than a minute. I must have thoroughly shocked the driver behind me and the one coming alongside who stopped at the give way line as it was my right of passage (ooh does that qualify as a pun?). What I am grateful to God for is the traffic lights we stopped at. Had the lights been green as we came towards that intersection, we would have been driving at a much faster speed and the driver behind me might have run his car up into the bum of mine. But because we had to stop and were moving forward pretty slowly, I was able to quickly correct myself and move into the lane with the other guy following at a safe distance. Also, there were very few vehicles in that area at the time, which meant no commotion or potentially dangerous accidents or greater levels of sheer embarrassment.

Thank You Lord! Phew! The very fascinating thing is I suddenly felt to say to God way before getting on to the highway that I didn't want any accidents (yes, I said it nicely and added a "please"). Really praying for journey mercies today as Fab had to fly off to some place an hour's plane ride away for work so need covering for him and me making my way home alone again. (I got to work just fine, thank you) Should be cool as I take this route so much. No funny detours today for me. Just need to watch for other crazy drivers. Speaking of crazy drivers, this photo shows what one did this morning near the bus stop (I work at a University). The only way from which he could have come is the footpath leading to the steps. The driver is hiding somewhere.