Micah 6:8 "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
Titus 2: 11-14 "For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope — the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."
I want to remember where these verses are. I want to remember that we have the choice of good or evil. That we face the consequences of our own choices. Of free will. It scares me how quickly and easily we can fall away if we just let go, even a tiny bit. How corruption does not take long to creep in and take residence in us. How we can give up wisdom for futile thinking that is so ridiculous yet we will try to justify to no end because we are wrapped up in preserving the lifestyle we want, in protecting our bad choices. It becomes all about us and blindness towards how we're hurting others so much takes over. You're probably wondering where I'm going with this. It's tied to the message Pastor Lance preached last night. I might post more about it another time. Meanwhile, an update on life.
First day back at work. Not as bad as expected considering I barely slept last night. Was up tossing and turning and being disturbed by a mind heavy laden with negative thoughts and other fillers. In my hazy state, my mind was playing tricks on me, telling me the floorboards were still too white and I wasn't doing a proper painting job. I heard some people out on the main street behind our house - they were mucking about past midnight, joking, laughing, semi-shouting to one another and laughing some more. When their voices first hit my ears, I panicked slightly. I get so easily affected by my surroundings sometimes, especially when I am trying hard to catch some shut eye. I was worried that they might be hooligans and wondered why they had chosen that spot to congregate and fool around at. I heard a woman's voice and then a burly sounding man in a raised tone. My mind rushed to thoughts of them getting into a fight. I feared for the woman.
If ever I heard a female voice in distress, if ever I encountered someone being assaulted or treated unfairly, what would I do? Would I leave the comfort and safety of my room immediately and take action? Would I be too scared to move even an inch and simply cower under the blanket desperately pleading for God to intervene. If I was alone, and went out to disperse the assailants, would they turn on me? I would have called the cops but who knows how long they'd take to arrive. I couldn't just let her get hurt in any way.
I lay as still as a log but my breathing quickened while my heart skipped a few beats and my mind was astir with a flurry of frightful images and thoughts. I felt so helpless. "God, help..." That's when they started laughing and playing around. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes, trying hard to shut out the sounds. It was such a restless night for me. I was cold, shivering and aching. Then I was too warm. Then the animals decided to play their rehearsed chorus. Fab rustled about a fair bit as well, mumbling indistinctly at times while turning.
Made it into the office just before 8am. An achievement. Off to some form of a good start. I've cleared most of my emails and just downed a piece of chocolate cake to satisfy the grumbling. I still feel rather fearful of this new year. I'm not exactly sure what the cause of this slight distress is. Didn't help that a number of us got into a discussion about the horrors of child birth yesterday after the church service. Don't ask me how that conversation came about. But it left me very much unsettled, confirmed fears I already had, and deepened my angst. I burst into tears at home while preparing to put together some soup in the thermal cooker for today's dinner.
Fab held me tight and assured me again he'd be with me. I really hope he will be. I'm so afraid to lose him. I'm so afraid to hurt. To feel violated. To be out of my depth. To lack the strength and joy to give selflessly, sacrificially, generously, willingly without hesitation, without question. I asked him why God would want to hurt me (women, to be exact) like that. Why a man would. I guess I was rambling nonsense. I just sobbed. It was so immature of me. The answer was simple. God never planned to hurt anyone.
Why only women? Why do we have to be justified by childbirth as (if I recall correctly) Paul said to the people? Sin, yes, sin. And what about men? They will never experience anything like this. Is that fair? Does it matter? What am I looking for? What answer do I want? What will satisfy me? It'll never really end because what I am looking for is not the truth. I need to learn to trust.
"God, help me trust You more. I need to give You all of me. I can't live like this anymore. I really feel like I am losing it sometimes. Who am I, really, God? I don't want to feel the pressure of meeting Your expectations, becoming the person You desire me to be or see me in the future. I want Your vision of me to be an encouragement, an inspiration, not an unreachable image that taunts me. I need Your perspective more than ever. I need Your peace so much God because I am hurting everyday. My mind, it doesn't let me go. I can't rid myself of these thoughts. They started when I was young and have grown louder and more convincing and harsher over the years. They want to break me, destroy me and render me completely useless. Do not let it be so.
Be the lifter of my spirit. Do not let me be afraid. Even if all things around me fail and if, when the time comes, childbirth is excruciatingly unbearable, do not let me sink into depression or become bitter, hateful, resentful. Help me to cling to You. To love You, love Fab and love the child and put You and them forever before myself. Help me know I will pull through and it'll all be ok because You've got it worked out. You are not out to hurt me. I need to believe that.
Sometimes I still feel like I'm being punished. Do not let me harbour that kind of wrongful thinking. Do not let me grieve You with my lack of faith and conviction in You. Do not let me base my beliefs on what I can or cannot see or what I have experienced or heard. Do not let me base my decisions, thoughts and actions on popular opinion or peer pressure but the truth. Do not let me be corrupted or become depraved. Save me from myself. Save me so I can be a light to others. Make me count for something. Forgive me for all my sinfulness - my self centred ways, my pride. My lack of love and compassion. Hold me and never let me leave Your side. May every one I love and hold dear. May the people I know be there with me in Your kingdom forever when the end comes. Please."
Titus 2: 11-14 "For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope — the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."
I want to remember where these verses are. I want to remember that we have the choice of good or evil. That we face the consequences of our own choices. Of free will. It scares me how quickly and easily we can fall away if we just let go, even a tiny bit. How corruption does not take long to creep in and take residence in us. How we can give up wisdom for futile thinking that is so ridiculous yet we will try to justify to no end because we are wrapped up in preserving the lifestyle we want, in protecting our bad choices. It becomes all about us and blindness towards how we're hurting others so much takes over. You're probably wondering where I'm going with this. It's tied to the message Pastor Lance preached last night. I might post more about it another time. Meanwhile, an update on life.
First day back at work. Not as bad as expected considering I barely slept last night. Was up tossing and turning and being disturbed by a mind heavy laden with negative thoughts and other fillers. In my hazy state, my mind was playing tricks on me, telling me the floorboards were still too white and I wasn't doing a proper painting job. I heard some people out on the main street behind our house - they were mucking about past midnight, joking, laughing, semi-shouting to one another and laughing some more. When their voices first hit my ears, I panicked slightly. I get so easily affected by my surroundings sometimes, especially when I am trying hard to catch some shut eye. I was worried that they might be hooligans and wondered why they had chosen that spot to congregate and fool around at. I heard a woman's voice and then a burly sounding man in a raised tone. My mind rushed to thoughts of them getting into a fight. I feared for the woman.
If ever I heard a female voice in distress, if ever I encountered someone being assaulted or treated unfairly, what would I do? Would I leave the comfort and safety of my room immediately and take action? Would I be too scared to move even an inch and simply cower under the blanket desperately pleading for God to intervene. If I was alone, and went out to disperse the assailants, would they turn on me? I would have called the cops but who knows how long they'd take to arrive. I couldn't just let her get hurt in any way.
I lay as still as a log but my breathing quickened while my heart skipped a few beats and my mind was astir with a flurry of frightful images and thoughts. I felt so helpless. "God, help..." That's when they started laughing and playing around. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes, trying hard to shut out the sounds. It was such a restless night for me. I was cold, shivering and aching. Then I was too warm. Then the animals decided to play their rehearsed chorus. Fab rustled about a fair bit as well, mumbling indistinctly at times while turning.
Made it into the office just before 8am. An achievement. Off to some form of a good start. I've cleared most of my emails and just downed a piece of chocolate cake to satisfy the grumbling. I still feel rather fearful of this new year. I'm not exactly sure what the cause of this slight distress is. Didn't help that a number of us got into a discussion about the horrors of child birth yesterday after the church service. Don't ask me how that conversation came about. But it left me very much unsettled, confirmed fears I already had, and deepened my angst. I burst into tears at home while preparing to put together some soup in the thermal cooker for today's dinner.
Fab held me tight and assured me again he'd be with me. I really hope he will be. I'm so afraid to lose him. I'm so afraid to hurt. To feel violated. To be out of my depth. To lack the strength and joy to give selflessly, sacrificially, generously, willingly without hesitation, without question. I asked him why God would want to hurt me (women, to be exact) like that. Why a man would. I guess I was rambling nonsense. I just sobbed. It was so immature of me. The answer was simple. God never planned to hurt anyone.
Why only women? Why do we have to be justified by childbirth as (if I recall correctly) Paul said to the people? Sin, yes, sin. And what about men? They will never experience anything like this. Is that fair? Does it matter? What am I looking for? What answer do I want? What will satisfy me? It'll never really end because what I am looking for is not the truth. I need to learn to trust.
"God, help me trust You more. I need to give You all of me. I can't live like this anymore. I really feel like I am losing it sometimes. Who am I, really, God? I don't want to feel the pressure of meeting Your expectations, becoming the person You desire me to be or see me in the future. I want Your vision of me to be an encouragement, an inspiration, not an unreachable image that taunts me. I need Your perspective more than ever. I need Your peace so much God because I am hurting everyday. My mind, it doesn't let me go. I can't rid myself of these thoughts. They started when I was young and have grown louder and more convincing and harsher over the years. They want to break me, destroy me and render me completely useless. Do not let it be so.
Be the lifter of my spirit. Do not let me be afraid. Even if all things around me fail and if, when the time comes, childbirth is excruciatingly unbearable, do not let me sink into depression or become bitter, hateful, resentful. Help me to cling to You. To love You, love Fab and love the child and put You and them forever before myself. Help me know I will pull through and it'll all be ok because You've got it worked out. You are not out to hurt me. I need to believe that.
Sometimes I still feel like I'm being punished. Do not let me harbour that kind of wrongful thinking. Do not let me grieve You with my lack of faith and conviction in You. Do not let me base my beliefs on what I can or cannot see or what I have experienced or heard. Do not let me base my decisions, thoughts and actions on popular opinion or peer pressure but the truth. Do not let me be corrupted or become depraved. Save me from myself. Save me so I can be a light to others. Make me count for something. Forgive me for all my sinfulness - my self centred ways, my pride. My lack of love and compassion. Hold me and never let me leave Your side. May every one I love and hold dear. May the people I know be there with me in Your kingdom forever when the end comes. Please."
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