If I had to describe my mind, the way it functions, in one phrase, I would call it The Tape Recorder. From my thoughts come the loud constant internal conversation that, more often than not, breaks me. Along with the emotions it stirs within my heart, this conversation has determined the state of my soul, which I can honestly say is not in that great a shape. I may be quoting the preacher, who gave this sermon: A Troubled Soul, when I say that our internal conversation determines the state of our soul. In effect, I am confirming the truth of this very statement. For at least 15 years of my life, my mind has bound me with an unending barrage of deeply negative and harmful thoughts. I have suffered nightmares and been constantly haunted and taunted. They have led to a whole host of strong irrational fears and an unwavering belief in what I have come to realise are no more than a bunch of lies. Cunning, deceptive lies.
You will find bits and pieces of what goes through my mind when you read my previous posts. It may allude you to the fact that at times I am bordering on slight insanity. You may wonder why I have not put an end to the badgering thoughts a lot sooner. Why I have not made the simple effort of controlling them and measuring them up against the Word of God (2 Corinthians 10: 5 - many have quoted this verse in their attempts to encourage me and persuade me to confront the lies and cast them out of my being). In part I would contribute it to a lack of knowledge and understanding. In part I would, to be open with you, contribute it to pure laziness. I have convinced myself on many occasions, that it is beyond my control. I tell God I cannot live like this. I sob and ask why I have had to be bombarded with such thoughts, with a burden for such things. People ask me to just stop the tape. To fill my mind with other things. Just on Friday as we were driving home from work, Fab said to me quite plainly, "think of something else". We were tired from work yet there I was in the car rattling on and on about what I had heard on the news, what I had read on the Internet, what I had found out in the past. I went on and on and on describing incident after incident, "educating" Fab on the horrors that women and children across the world endure at the hands of men. How some of these men became serial killers because of traumatic experiences in their own early days. I didn't stop to take a breath. And finally I wore my poor husband out who gently pleaded I change the subject of what eventually turned into a one-sided conversation. He is right. I have, in some sense, become addicted to these thoughts, terrible as they are. I am constantly picturing what I read and hear. The words in the news reports and magazine articles ring and replay in my head. Over and over and over again. They are there from the moment I wake to the time I drift off to sleep. And on some nights, they fill my dreams. I know the voice has grown more relentless over the years. Now, I can say it is only because I have allowed it.
Lisa Shay, if you are reading this, I want to thank you for recommending this sermon to me. So many of his points and illustrations spoke directly to me. If I had been present at that seminar, he may have even looked me straight in the eyes, guided by God. I am sure God has had enough of me living the lesser life. Of me drowning when in reality I have every ability to get myself out from the pit. I have always asked God to rescue me from myself. To take me out. Thing is, I put myself there, and I let myself stay, and I wade into deeper, darker waters, and though I can swim back (though it will take a disciplined and persistent effort), I tell myself I can't. I give up way too easily. "It's too hard" I often think. And so I resign myself to my current condition. Sometimes I wonder if I stay here as it is more familiar, and so in some sense safe, to me. I say I want to get out but I don't actually cooperate. I urge you to listen to the sermon, and jot down the points that speak to you. I made six pages of notes in my A5 journal. For those of you who know how small my handwriting can be will know this means I made a lot of notes. A lot. I need to review them though. I kept pausing the audio clip and replaying it to get what the preacher was saying. There were certain statements I wanted to record word for word. I'm not saying this to brag about how much I noted. I'm telling you there is so much to be taken away from the sermon. I hope it speaks to you even more than it has spoken to me.
Well, that's part one. Now comes the truth of the matter. Will I apply what I have just learnt? Will I put it away together with the hundreds of sermons I have made notes of over the course of being a church-attending Christian? Will I keep saying there is nothing I can do about the voice in my head that tells me the circumstances I think I know of in the world represent the whole truth. That God is not as good as He claims to be. That maybe He really isn't totally sovereign, or He is, but He's got it wrong. That He should have just kept to Himself and not created the world and all of us, knowing full well what would happen. Knowing full well that many would destroy what His hands had made, and would never choose to spend eternity with Him. That others like me would constantly question, doubt, blame, yell and even curse at Him because of a lack of faith and understanding. Was all this grief and suffering really worth it? He may see things in the perspective that we live in zero time (as I think John Bevere once said), as it is nothing compared to eternity. But we so often don't. Especially when it hurts so much. When the excruciating pain of being so ill and repeatedly abused and broken and trampled on and put in situations way beyond our comfort and control seems to never cease. I often tell God He is asking too much from us when He allows the pain and yet tells us that if we just learn to look to Him, we will see it is all for our benefit. There are times I let myself think God is rather cruel or mean or a little nuts. But at the end of the day, something inside me reminds me it isn't true. I just struggle greatly, at times, to reconcile who He is with what is out there.
I don't want to anymore. I want, instead, to instruct my soul, rebuke, challenge and exhort it. Teach it to hope in the Lord, the author and perfecter of my faith, my Saviour (giver of my salvation) and God. I need to keep filling my mind with good things. The Word, Christian material. I need to start to train myself to think constructively, spend my time on planning, on being creative, on writing and encouraging and preparing notes so that in the future I too may teach and bring life to others with God as my guide and strength. For years my thinking has landed me no where apart from a dark hole. It has taken away precious time that could have been appropriated towards matters of eternal value instead (2 Corinthians 4: 18). If you have been trapped in an internal conversation that has made you believe you are inadequate, I want you to know you are not alone. We can fight this together. Tell me of your journey, won't you?
You will find bits and pieces of what goes through my mind when you read my previous posts. It may allude you to the fact that at times I am bordering on slight insanity. You may wonder why I have not put an end to the badgering thoughts a lot sooner. Why I have not made the simple effort of controlling them and measuring them up against the Word of God (2 Corinthians 10: 5 - many have quoted this verse in their attempts to encourage me and persuade me to confront the lies and cast them out of my being). In part I would contribute it to a lack of knowledge and understanding. In part I would, to be open with you, contribute it to pure laziness. I have convinced myself on many occasions, that it is beyond my control. I tell God I cannot live like this. I sob and ask why I have had to be bombarded with such thoughts, with a burden for such things. People ask me to just stop the tape. To fill my mind with other things. Just on Friday as we were driving home from work, Fab said to me quite plainly, "think of something else". We were tired from work yet there I was in the car rattling on and on about what I had heard on the news, what I had read on the Internet, what I had found out in the past. I went on and on and on describing incident after incident, "educating" Fab on the horrors that women and children across the world endure at the hands of men. How some of these men became serial killers because of traumatic experiences in their own early days. I didn't stop to take a breath. And finally I wore my poor husband out who gently pleaded I change the subject of what eventually turned into a one-sided conversation. He is right. I have, in some sense, become addicted to these thoughts, terrible as they are. I am constantly picturing what I read and hear. The words in the news reports and magazine articles ring and replay in my head. Over and over and over again. They are there from the moment I wake to the time I drift off to sleep. And on some nights, they fill my dreams. I know the voice has grown more relentless over the years. Now, I can say it is only because I have allowed it.
Lisa Shay, if you are reading this, I want to thank you for recommending this sermon to me. So many of his points and illustrations spoke directly to me. If I had been present at that seminar, he may have even looked me straight in the eyes, guided by God. I am sure God has had enough of me living the lesser life. Of me drowning when in reality I have every ability to get myself out from the pit. I have always asked God to rescue me from myself. To take me out. Thing is, I put myself there, and I let myself stay, and I wade into deeper, darker waters, and though I can swim back (though it will take a disciplined and persistent effort), I tell myself I can't. I give up way too easily. "It's too hard" I often think. And so I resign myself to my current condition. Sometimes I wonder if I stay here as it is more familiar, and so in some sense safe, to me. I say I want to get out but I don't actually cooperate. I urge you to listen to the sermon, and jot down the points that speak to you. I made six pages of notes in my A5 journal. For those of you who know how small my handwriting can be will know this means I made a lot of notes. A lot. I need to review them though. I kept pausing the audio clip and replaying it to get what the preacher was saying. There were certain statements I wanted to record word for word. I'm not saying this to brag about how much I noted. I'm telling you there is so much to be taken away from the sermon. I hope it speaks to you even more than it has spoken to me.
Well, that's part one. Now comes the truth of the matter. Will I apply what I have just learnt? Will I put it away together with the hundreds of sermons I have made notes of over the course of being a church-attending Christian? Will I keep saying there is nothing I can do about the voice in my head that tells me the circumstances I think I know of in the world represent the whole truth. That God is not as good as He claims to be. That maybe He really isn't totally sovereign, or He is, but He's got it wrong. That He should have just kept to Himself and not created the world and all of us, knowing full well what would happen. Knowing full well that many would destroy what His hands had made, and would never choose to spend eternity with Him. That others like me would constantly question, doubt, blame, yell and even curse at Him because of a lack of faith and understanding. Was all this grief and suffering really worth it? He may see things in the perspective that we live in zero time (as I think John Bevere once said), as it is nothing compared to eternity. But we so often don't. Especially when it hurts so much. When the excruciating pain of being so ill and repeatedly abused and broken and trampled on and put in situations way beyond our comfort and control seems to never cease. I often tell God He is asking too much from us when He allows the pain and yet tells us that if we just learn to look to Him, we will see it is all for our benefit. There are times I let myself think God is rather cruel or mean or a little nuts. But at the end of the day, something inside me reminds me it isn't true. I just struggle greatly, at times, to reconcile who He is with what is out there.
I don't want to anymore. I want, instead, to instruct my soul, rebuke, challenge and exhort it. Teach it to hope in the Lord, the author and perfecter of my faith, my Saviour (giver of my salvation) and God. I need to keep filling my mind with good things. The Word, Christian material. I need to start to train myself to think constructively, spend my time on planning, on being creative, on writing and encouraging and preparing notes so that in the future I too may teach and bring life to others with God as my guide and strength. For years my thinking has landed me no where apart from a dark hole. It has taken away precious time that could have been appropriated towards matters of eternal value instead (2 Corinthians 4: 18). If you have been trapped in an internal conversation that has made you believe you are inadequate, I want you to know you are not alone. We can fight this together. Tell me of your journey, won't you?
Note to Lisa: You are a beautiful woman of God from what I have come to see through your writing, which tells me of your life, and the incredible encouragement you have given me though you barely even know me. I hope to call you my friend. Who knows, one day we may even get the chance to meet.
2 comments:
oh jos, through tears I'm reading your most recent thoughts in cyber space somewhere. How i long to reach out and give you a hug my dear sister in Christ. How I long to phone you and speak His word into your life in grace that it may impart wisdom and encouragement to you. I thot of you yesterday morning as I was attending my bible study on the "Loving God..." (I've given the title before.)
Send me your email address would you please sweetie, so that I may send you Louise's notes and teachings. Funny thing, part of our assignment (reason behind my one post) is to share our learnings with others. We cannot apply it until we've taught it. I feel God has placed each of us together though world's apart to sharpen and encourage one another. Yes, one day, my dear, we will meet...but perhaps not on this side of heaven. But should Jesus tary, I'd say we have a lot of work to do...in our walk and sharing and encouraging others.
I count it a blessing and privilege to call you friend, but more so, my sister.
In His love, Lisa
i just noticed that your verse of the day is Phil 4:8!!!!!!! Love. love. love God's perfect timing.
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