shifting

I guess some things are just too good to be true :( I'm one of those super fortunate people who has an office all to herself where I meet students on a daily basis to assist them with all things related to their program at the university. But, now with added staff coming on board, someone has to bite the bullet and share their space and privacy. And I was just approached to be the one person. Well, one of the two who are about to be relatively squashed together. Thankfully, our manager considered what we do and our personalities before making the mix. So, I get to share with Jacq. She'd be a perfect office mate I'm sure. She's one of the few colleagues I invited to my wedding as she's just lovely and we get along pretty well. Jacq's back from maternity leave and will be working three days a week to start. Her little bub now goes to day care on campus with his three-year old brother who absolutely adores him.

Jacq was driving in the other day with the two strapped properly in their car seats when she heard little chuckles from the back of the car. Looking at them through the rear view mirror she caught Oscar leaning over to his baby brother saying gently, "Who's the best? You are. Yes, you are. Yes, you are.". He must have picked it up from some adult, saying it in that same slightly higher pitched and rather excited voice we older folk take on when we get reduced to gibberish and goos and gaas when we meet the little people. Little Felix thought it was the funniest thing and responded accordingly. They're really adorable. When Felix gets old enough to understand, I might tell him about the time he peed on me when I went to visit him and Jacq at the hospital a couple of days after he emerged into the world. Hee. That's about the only time I will ever think it cute for anyone to pee on me. Just so you know and don't try that trick. I won't be smiling at you the same way.

Needed to hear this

Ephesians 6: 12-13 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand"

I'm trying to start a new habit. The practice of being quick to interrupt my negative, self-demeaning, fear-inducing thoughts. The practice of being quick to stop myself from judging and criticising the person who cuts me off in traffic, or leaves a rather unpleasant comment or the student who has just sent me her 10th email to annoy me. The thoughts come fast and easily get me down. I'll be eating a bunch of grapes and processing an application and there in the back of my head I am asking myself, "Why is it men generally do not have to endure the pain of childbirth, know what it is like to be cornered and taken advantage of, experience the trauma of abortion, be victims of gender inequality?" Starting from yesterday, I was a little more proactive in cutting the voice off. I spoke directly at the voice, "You are not from God. What is the use of thinking such things, asking such questions? What purpose does it serve if not to destroy me? You are not the truth. You are no where near being the truth. Get out!" If I keep this habit up, I will experience a new found freedom, I suspect :)

There are so many questions, so many doubts. So many trivial incidences that trigger anger, or at times, pure rage. The solution is not to dwell and analyse and interpret and confirm and condone. But to immediately hold each thought to the scrutiny of the truth. One day I will gain a deeper revelation of His heart (His character and intentions) and I will begin to understand situations more clearly. For now, I am simply learning to grow in trust and maturity by taking more responsibility for my attitude and responses and exercising more control over my emotions. Everyone at some point in their life experiences pain, experiences suffering. Pain and suffering are borne from sin. From us being fallen. But the life that seeks after God, that seeks His wisdom and applies His truth, will begin to steer clear of sin and be saved from the toil that pain and suffering can have.

Australia Day

Actually, I'm not writing about the meaning of Australia Day. Just wanted to say, I took a leaf out of Vicky's book and had, not a V-Day, but a JJAJ Day. A "Just Jesus and Jocelyn Day". It's been good. We woke up at quarter past 7 and I put in a load of laundry after slowly getting up and brushing my teeth and freshening up. Then we made breakfast and watched the morning show "Today" and huddled together on our super comfy couch. Then Fab headed off to join some friends while I stayed home to have some quiet time. I hung out the laundry, listened to an audio sermon on Maximising Potential and took heaps of notes, checked my emails (made one reply), made a couple of posts and now Fab's fetching me to join the rest of them for a fish and chips lunch. Nice. Be back later! Have a great day everyone!

Jos adds on Tuesday: I made myself sick on the fish and chips lunch. Green tea helps settle the stomach in case you're wondering. Hot green tea. It washes away the greasy feeling and neutralises the taste left hanging in the mouth.

Julie came over and the three of us camped out in front of Fab's laptop to watch movies online over dinner. Fab found a website that allows you to view movies legally. Julie and I were keen to see 7 pounds. All three of us felt very conflicted and heavy at the end. The movie kind of kept us guessing in the beginning as we were trying to make head or tail of the storyline. It wasn't really tricky to pick up but when the plot sunk in, our hearts sank too and by the time the whole story had unfolded, we just felt ill in our guts. It was pretty heart wrenching but also left us feeling really tingly and sort of queasy. We needed something to cheer us up from the rather depressing message. He did a beautiful thing but it was borne from guilt and an inability to fully deal with the past. And the way he chose to do what he did. Aye! And the loss of new found love. Double aye! Our solution? Wall-E. Julie commented at the end that for a show with so little dialogue, it was pretty good. Call us what you will but all of us (including Fab) fell in love with the little robotic guy. It was the little things, as Julie pointed out, the little motions and expressions and actions the filmmakers included, that made it great. I'm amazed that little cricket/cockroach fellow survived. And the pudgy wudgy people! Their hands and feet were so cute. So chubby. Fab said they walked like babies when they finally made it off their space chairs. I'm not going to let myself get that lazy and huge though. I'll have heart failure for sure. Julie said I resemble Mop or was it Mot? The little cleaning guy who seems to have a bit of an OCD thing happening. I get a bit pedantic sometimes in the way I want things to be cleaned or arranged.

Sigh, the server is down at work so I'm stuck as all the computer programs I need in order to do what I need to do are not functioning properly.

Ha!



Minor Threat Sauce



Just when I was asking

On the point about my tape recorder of a brain. Last night, at church, I asked God plainly, "God, I have your Word and I have been reading it. But I get so easily distracted and I'm not entirely sure what to focus on. My mind is still bombarded with these negative thoughts and images. I read a line and before I know it, I've spent the next 5 minutes stuck in some terrible place and start questioning You again. And then I have to re-read the line 10 times to let it sink in a bit. What am I to think about exactly God? To replace these greatly debilitating thoughts. Could you please be really specific?" And today God says (with the daily verse from Bible Gateway), "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."- Philippians 4:8 (Thanks for pointing this out, Lisa!)

Thanks God. So what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy? Let's see. Let's start simple.

• What is true - Knowing that God is good to me, He's extremely faithful and full of love and grace
• What is noble - Choosing to believe that men are not the enemy, I should honour God by being willing to love them and pray for them
• What is right - Recognising that what I read, see, hear about and think I know may not be the whole picture, the media sometimes distorts the truth and there is so much going on that is beyond my comprehension at the moment
• What is pure - Not harbouring ill thoughts about God and others, not judging and criticising but instead spending time focusing on the truth
• What is lovely - God says I'm fearfully and wonderfully made even though I've been mulling over the flaws in my complexion off late
• What is admirable - Honouring God by not gossiping but choosing to be holy as God is holy
• What is excellent or praiseworthy - Choosing to live to my full potential by digging up all that God has deposited within me, by discovering who I am and what I am capable of in God through the Word, and by tapping into the power of the Holy Spirit to accomplish His great plans and purposes that will bless not only me but others (and who knows, maybe even generations!)

The Tape Recorder

If I had to describe my mind, the way it functions, in one phrase, I would call it The Tape Recorder. From my thoughts come the loud constant internal conversation that, more often than not, breaks me. Along with the emotions it stirs within my heart, this conversation has determined the state of my soul, which I can honestly say is not in that great a shape. I may be quoting the preacher, who gave this sermon: A Troubled Soul, when I say that our internal conversation determines the state of our soul. In effect, I am confirming the truth of this very statement. For at least 15 years of my life, my mind has bound me with an unending barrage of deeply negative and harmful thoughts. I have suffered nightmares and been constantly haunted and taunted. They have led to a whole host of strong irrational fears and an unwavering belief in what I have come to realise are no more than a bunch of lies. Cunning, deceptive lies.

You will find bits and pieces of what goes through my mind when you read my previous posts. It may allude you to the fact that at times I am bordering on slight insanity. You may wonder why I have not put an end to the badgering thoughts a lot sooner. Why I have not made the simple effort of controlling them and measuring them up against the Word of God (2 Corinthians 10: 5 - many have quoted this verse in their attempts to encourage me and persuade me to confront the lies and cast them out of my being). In part I would contribute it to a lack of knowledge and understanding. In part I would, to be open with you, contribute it to pure laziness. I have convinced myself on many occasions, that it is beyond my control. I tell God I cannot live like this. I sob and ask why I have had to be bombarded with such thoughts, with a burden for such things. People ask me to just stop the tape. To fill my mind with other things. Just on Friday as we were driving home from work, Fab said to me quite plainly, "think of something else". We were tired from work yet there I was in the car rattling on and on about what I had heard on the news, what I had read on the Internet, what I had found out in the past. I went on and on and on describing incident after incident, "educating" Fab on the horrors that women and children across the world endure at the hands of men. How some of these men became serial killers because of traumatic experiences in their own early days. I didn't stop to take a breath. And finally I wore my poor husband out who gently pleaded I change the subject of what eventually turned into a one-sided conversation. He is right. I have, in some sense, become addicted to these thoughts, terrible as they are. I am constantly picturing what I read and hear. The words in the news reports and magazine articles ring and replay in my head. Over and over and over again. They are there from the moment I wake to the time I drift off to sleep. And on some nights, they fill my dreams. I know the voice has grown more relentless over the years. Now, I can say it is only because I have allowed it.

Lisa Shay, if you are reading this, I want to thank you for recommending this sermon to me. So many of his points and illustrations spoke directly to me. If I had been present at that seminar, he may have even looked me straight in the eyes, guided by God. I am sure God has had enough of me living the lesser life. Of me drowning when in reality I have every ability to get myself out from the pit. I have always asked God to rescue me from myself. To take me out. Thing is, I put myself there, and I let myself stay, and I wade into deeper, darker waters, and though I can swim back (though it will take a disciplined and persistent effort), I tell myself I can't. I give up way too easily. "It's too hard" I often think. And so I resign myself to my current condition. Sometimes I wonder if I stay here as it is more familiar, and so in some sense safe, to me. I say I want to get out but I don't actually cooperate. I urge you to listen to the sermon, and jot down the points that speak to you. I made six pages of notes in my A5 journal. For those of you who know how small my handwriting can be will know this means I made a lot of notes. A lot. I need to review them though. I kept pausing the audio clip and replaying it to get what the preacher was saying. There were certain statements I wanted to record word for word. I'm not saying this to brag about how much I noted. I'm telling you there is so much to be taken away from the sermon. I hope it speaks to you even more than it has spoken to me.

Well, that's part one. Now comes the truth of the matter. Will I apply what I have just learnt? Will I put it away together with the hundreds of sermons I have made notes of over the course of being a church-attending Christian? Will I keep saying there is nothing I can do about the voice in my head that tells me the circumstances I think I know of in the world represent the whole truth. That God is not as good as He claims to be. That maybe He really isn't totally sovereign, or He is, but He's got it wrong. That He should have just kept to Himself and not created the world and all of us, knowing full well what would happen. Knowing full well that many would destroy what His hands had made, and would never choose to spend eternity with Him. That others like me would constantly question, doubt, blame, yell and even curse at Him because of a lack of faith and understanding. Was all this grief and suffering really worth it? He may see things in the perspective that we live in zero time (as I think John Bevere once said), as it is nothing compared to eternity. But we so often don't. Especially when it hurts so much. When the excruciating pain of being so ill and repeatedly abused and broken and trampled on and put in situations way beyond our comfort and control seems to never cease. I often tell God He is asking too much from us when He allows the pain and yet tells us that if we just learn to look to Him, we will see it is all for our benefit. There are times I let myself think God is rather cruel or mean or a little nuts. But at the end of the day, something inside me reminds me it isn't true. I just struggle greatly, at times, to reconcile who He is with what is out there.

I don't want to anymore. I want, instead, to instruct my soul, rebuke, challenge and exhort it. Teach it to hope in the Lord, the author and perfecter of my faith, my Saviour (giver of my salvation) and God. I need to keep filling my mind with good things. The Word, Christian material. I need to start to train myself to think constructively, spend my time on planning, on being creative, on writing and encouraging and preparing notes so that in the future I too may teach and bring life to others with God as my guide and strength. For years my thinking has landed me no where apart from a dark hole. It has taken away precious time that could have been appropriated towards matters of eternal value instead (2 Corinthians 4: 18). If you have been trapped in an internal conversation that has made you believe you are inadequate, I want you to know you are not alone. We can fight this together. Tell me of your journey, won't you?

Note to Lisa: You are a beautiful woman of God from what I have come to see through your writing, which tells me of your life, and the incredible encouragement you have given me though you barely even know me. I hope to call you my friend. Who knows, one day we may even get the chance to meet.

Dry as a bone

Isn't it ironic that when you actually make it your personal goal for the year to write at least 4 posts a week to encourage people in their walk with God, or upload something to consider or perhaps even worthy of discussion, that you suddenly don't quite know what to write about anymore. I mean several ideas pass through your head throughout the week but none make it to the page as they're just not worth penning down. I think I'm having a little bit of a dry spell. From experience, the reason for this is to persuade me to seek God with more persistence. To make that conscious effort to draw myself closer to Him as He is never really far away but waits for me. To get out of the place I am in and go to the next level. To mature in thinking and character and make something out of my life instead of letting it just fade away.

I mentioned I have started reading TD Jake's book about repositioning ourselves. Another little 'project', if you like, that I am doing is memorising scripture. My pastor and his wife have designed a little program for the leadership team and those being trained up in leadership at our church to get involved in. We call it the "I see bones, you see an army" mission. It's based on the passage where God shows Ezekiel a valley of dry bones and instructs him to speak life into the bones through the power of the Holy Spirit. Man, just saying that sentence out loud to myself has brought about an epiphany. Can you see the connection? I'm like one of those piles of mangled dry bones needing the breath and strength of God to come alive. Well, this gives me a personal cause now. This is me identifying with this particular project and vision. There is so much more to be grasped I am sure. But the idea is to grow in my passion and joy before God. To grow in burden for His work. To grow in love and compassion for His people. To have the urgency to go out there and make a difference. To not be afraid to reach out, to sow seeds, to reap the harvest. To want to do all of that and so much more!

I've chosen the book of Acts, in response to a word I received in prayer. This year, God is really pointing me in the direction of learning more about how to tap into the power of the Holy Spirit. Our church convention over the Easter Break this year is on the empowerment of the Holy Spirit. It's cool when everything starts to come together and you slowly put the little pieces together to get a clearer vision of the big picture. Started proper yesterday morning and tried to memorise a little bit more at night. Very slow going. I can recite verses 1 to 11 of the first chapter and then it gets a little hazy. I might make through a couple more verses from there but that's about it. Wonder how long my brain is going to retain all of this information. In countries like China where churches meet underground and communication is very restricted and carried out very cautiously, people are so desperate for the Word. Their hunger and passion for God drive them to memorise whole books and possibly even the entire Bible as copies are few, and it is safer to have the truth kept deep in your very being than displayed publicly in a book which can be harshly taken from you as the authorities beat you to a pulp and throw you into prison. I want their level of hunger for God even without all the horrible persecution and gross uncertainties.

As I was turning off the television yesterday evening, snippets of the late night news flashed on screen. The voice over said, "Muslim preacher says that men are right to beat their wives"...the reporter emerged..."More on that on tonight's programme" I may not have quoted his words exactly, but that's the gist of what the Muslim leader is preaching to his people. Men pretty much get away with murder. And it appears to be their right as they are the head of the nation, head of the home, head of the people in his family. Women are just chattel. Property to be traded and treated with contempt. Their testimony is barely taken into consideration. There is so little respect. Women are objects that can be used for sex in any way the man pleases. Hard labour is upon most. They are to produce healthy male heirs. I think they're treated more as baby-making factories and slaves than wives. Never mind what the women think or how they feel. A woman gets raped and her father and brothers stab her to death as she has disgraced the family, brought dishonour to their name. Never mind that she was all the while very careful and modest (under ten layers of clothing with nothing to show, mind you!) but was very unfortunately taken away by some lustful male and brutally abused. That father gets praised by the leaders of the nation. It is his right. The family name must be protected. Women should never be allowed to get out of line. I'm not making this up. And I am certain what I have read and seen and heard are not just sensationalised reports. Yes, this does not happen in every family. And over the years we have seen Muslim women leaders rise up and take positions of power and influence. How free they really are to speak the truth is what I wonder. I admit there is so much I do not know, do not see, do not understand. But hearing such a statement from a leader is frightening. What beliefs do they hold? What kind of principles do they follow? How could doing something so cruel be in any way acceptable?

My heart aches. I wonder if the prayers I have offered, the tears I have shed, even my desperate, enraged cries to God have made any difference in this world. He asks me to pray, to intercede. He wants me to have compassion. To care. To act. But somehow I feel that what I have done in prayer has not really moved anything in the spiritual realm and therefore has made little impact in the physical world. I could be wrong. Here's hoping. And praying more. I don't want to hate those men. I don't want to fear them. Maybe they themselves are grossly misunderstood. Maybe I should target my prayers towards having the deception lifted off them - "The god of this age (Satan, the devil) has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God", 2 Corinthians 4: 4.





This passage in Romans 1 springs to mind: "God's Wrath Against Mankind

18 The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20 For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools 23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25 They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

28 Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. 29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. 32 Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."

a little down

It's a new year, signifying a new start, new experiences, new decisions and discoveries (although it doesn't feel all too new now that 3 weeks have just flown by at the speed of an afternoon nap!). It should all be good. Fresh. A time to make new goals. To put the past behind and move on with lessons learnt from previous mistakes. With the determination to make more of an effort. To do better. Be better. Thing is, the older I get, the more down I seem to feel. Not about my age. But about the situations I am more likely to face. There is no excited anticipation. No keen hope, deep joy, burning passion. Just a desperate plea that everything will be alright and a hesitation to keep journeying. That's not how it should be. Where is my motivation? Drive, willpower, mojo. Whatever you want to call it. I'm just living on fragile emotions and a frazzled mind. This should be a year of detangling for me. Of getting myself out of the web of lies so cunningly and 'suffocatingly-tight'-ly wound around my every thought. Of finally learning to let go and move my security from my family, husband, friends, material comforts and luxurious life to God. The one thing He has been wanting from me since I emerged screaming my lungs out and taking in my very first breath of life. This should be a year of repositioning for myself.

And with that notion, I've started reading "Reposition Yourself: Living Life Without Limits" by TD Jakes. I partially thought that completing "Out of Control and Loving It" by Lisa Bevere and "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyers (which I read some years ago) and other brilliant books would change my life forever. But that wasn't so. Why? Because while I may read and ponder over and identify with the material, I seldom firmly apply the principles expressed into my own life. Somehow there is always a reason (more like excuse) as to why that is so. It might happen again with my reading intake this year. Or I might just surprise myself and actually do something about it. For once in my life. There were a couple of lines that really stood out in Jake's book. And when I can find them again, I will jot them down here.

For now, I shall tell you about my little incident yesterday evening while driving home alone from work. Fab had to go for a night site inspection for work purposes and so didn't reach home until past 9:30pm, leaving me to make the journey back by myself. I had to stop along the way to top up on gas, which was fine except for when I had to make a right turn at a set of lights just after exiting the highway towards the station we frequent due to the low price of fuel sold there. For some reason, as the lights turned green and I proceeded to make the turn, I couldn't make head or tail of where I was going. It wasn't that I suddenly lost use of my vision or that the sky was dark or the weather conditions unfavourable for driving. The sun was still out and everything was clear. My mind just could not process what I saw before me. I know that sounds really odd but it has happened to me on a number of occasions over the years I have been driving, and frankly I feel quite the retard. The way the roads were structured just didn't make sense to me at that split second and in my utter confusion, I overshot the opening to the lane I was meant to drive into and landed myself in a very awkward position at the intersection. It wasn't a straight cross-junction or t-junction. It was more like an amalgamation of main roads and side roads and other adjoining roads. Alright, it wasn't that complicated. I just can't explain what came over me. But as soon as I realised what I had done, I immediately turned into the appropriate road. Thankfully, the position the car was in still made this possible. It would have looked, on the outside, as a slight error in judgement with my turn but I knew it was more than that for me. It's like I blanked out though I was obviously very conscious. My heart skipped a beat. The whole affair took place within less than a minute. I must have thoroughly shocked the driver behind me and the one coming alongside who stopped at the give way line as it was my right of passage (ooh does that qualify as a pun?). What I am grateful to God for is the traffic lights we stopped at. Had the lights been green as we came towards that intersection, we would have been driving at a much faster speed and the driver behind me might have run his car up into the bum of mine. But because we had to stop and were moving forward pretty slowly, I was able to quickly correct myself and move into the lane with the other guy following at a safe distance. Also, there were very few vehicles in that area at the time, which meant no commotion or potentially dangerous accidents or greater levels of sheer embarrassment.

Thank You Lord! Phew! The very fascinating thing is I suddenly felt to say to God way before getting on to the highway that I didn't want any accidents (yes, I said it nicely and added a "please"). Really praying for journey mercies today as Fab had to fly off to some place an hour's plane ride away for work so need covering for him and me making my way home alone again. (I got to work just fine, thank you) Should be cool as I take this route so much. No funny detours today for me. Just need to watch for other crazy drivers. Speaking of crazy drivers, this photo shows what one did this morning near the bus stop (I work at a University). The only way from which he could have come is the footpath leading to the steps. The driver is hiding somewhere.

missing in action

Disappeared for a few days. Well, not exactly. I've been here daily, I just haven't written anything. Kind of feel like I'm running on empty a little. Brain's been a bit dull with the influx of monotonous application processes and data entry at work. I wonder if I am not moving on yet, if it is not the time to move on yet, because I have not been actively seeking God for direction. Or at least actively just seeking Him. Pursuing a deeper, more intimate, relationship with Him. To understand His heart, His character, His plans and purposes. All I want sometimes is answers and the easy way out. The lazy, painless way out. I read books that are of interest to me, thinking that it's enough because they are written by Christian authors and carry biblical principles. But God desires more for me.

He's been asking me to really study the Bible, learn and meditate upon His Word. To get all I can out of it. I don't know how to continue. I started with a Bible Study on Acts 2, but after reading the Life Application Bible and jotting down notes for myself as to how the passage applies to my life, I feel stuck. I should probably study the whole Book of Acts and not just read the Life Application Bible and some corresponding verses but cover as much as I can.

Sadly, I'm not very passionate about such things so I pray that a greater passion for His Word will indeed well up within me as I go on. I think the lack of passion sometimes comes with lack of understanding or how I can relate with the passage and principles, with not being open and patient enough to wait for a more in-depth revelation. I need to be more patient and persistent in prayer and delving into the Bible. Perhaps once I begin to get more in tune with Him and what He is wanting to accomplish in and through my life, I will be ready to move on and it will be time to leave what has come to be so familiar that I sometimes treat it with contempt. I don't want to not be grateful. I have so much. I always have. More than so many people in the world. So ingratitude and grumbling and complaining and coveting are certainly not acceptable attitudes for me to have.

On a separate note, thank you Lisa for leaving comments on my blog!

Wow! After posting this entry, I looked at today's Bible Gateway verse and this is what it says! After I was just reminding myself not to complain all the time. "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing" Philippians 2: 14-16

Are you an ambassador?

2 Corinthians 5: 19-20" that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And He has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God"

My colleague sometimes comes in and leaves little notes on my white board when he gets restless and wants a bit of a break. Today he wrote "Remember you are unique, just like everyone else"

Think about that for a second. It's kind of a juxtaposition when you read it literally. We're alike and at the same time unique. We share this common feature of being unique. Well, that's my entertainment for today, what's yours?

I am Wisdom

Proverbs 8: 22-31 (New Living Translation)

“The Lord formed me from the beginning,
Before He created anything else.
I was appointed in ages past,
At the very first, before the earth began.
I was born before the oceans were created
Before the springs bubbled forth their waters.
Before the mountains were formed
Before the hills, I was born -
Before He had made the earth and fields
And the first handfuls of soil.
I was there when He established the heavens,
When He drew the horizon on the oceans.
I was there when He set the clouds above
When He established springs deep in the earth.
I was there when He set the limits of the seas
So they would not spread beyond their boundaries.
And when He marked off earth’s foundations,
I was the architect at His side.
I was His constant delight,
Rejoicing always in His presence.
And how happy I was with the world He created;
How I rejoiced with the human family!”

I found this passage posted on someone else's blog. Though it may just be seen, on the surface, as a beautiful poem, it holds great truth. If read on its own, one might not guess who the "I" is in the passage. Hence the title of this post. The passage tells us that wisdom was there from the beginning as it is fundamental to every thought, every decision, every action, every word spoken.

I don't always give careful thought to the things I say and allow words to tumble out before they have gone through my brain to be adequately and objectively processed. Either that or I blatantly ignore the little voice (my own reasoning that has come with learning from experiences or what has been inculcated, or my conscience, or the Holy Spirit) that tells me to hold back on the regrettable statement about to be uttered by my tongue. How many people have I offended or hurt? How many lives have I altered in some fashion because my words broke a person's self esteem or drove them to the other extreme in trying to prove me wrong? I will probably never really know. How many have you? I may have made a number of foes with my careless words. I just hope they will forgive me. I must change.

Imagery

In a bakery - Baking fresh bread yet throwing it away instead of giving it to those who need it. Such a waste. The bread can be a blessing to others. Spend time really studying the Bible and getting to know God. Then you will be equipped to give out, to teach and to bless. You have so much to offer already but you need to keep building to be a blessing. (Thanks Belle)

Water - Streams of living water are flowing through you, like blessings pouring out on others. I recall Isaac sharing this vision with me at a Leaders' camp years ago. It has been mentioned a few times by various ones actually. (Thanks Tom)

Kite - Kites are not meant to lie on the ground. They're meant to fly high. Kites are safe in the hands of the one directing its path. You are safe in God's hands. (Thanks Julie)

What I saw for Jules: Watering Can - You're watering the garden, pouring out on others. But a watering can does not have its own source of water. It runs out if not continually filled (replenished). You need to keep going back to God in order to have the strength and what is needed to keep being a blessing to others. (This applies to all of us)

Words to Remember

[Book: Repositioning yourself by TD Jakes]

"Stop and Listen, to God, to your family, to your friends, to those around you"

"Our tongue is like a dragon in our dentures, it can be truly deadly, but, submitted to God and made available for His purposes, it can be transformed by God into an instrument that brings sincere encouragement and life"

"The words you speak have a deep and lasting effect"

"Contentment arises from a spirit of gratefulness, it is the courageous choice to thank God for what we have and do not have, even if you don't know when you will receive the next paycheck, or you lose something of great importance"

"Material things will never satisfy the hunger in our hearts"

"Accomplishments are worth nothing without the right (godly) character (and motives) to back them up"

"Three threats to relationships are, one, not really knowing who God is, two, selfishness, and three, lacking biblical skills in conflict resolution"

"Spiritual growth is more than just a command, it is an invitation from God to life and fulfilment, to become a person who is still growing at every age"

"Beware of the inclination to dictate to God as to what you will allow to happen if you obey Him"

"We seem to think that God just wants us to give up things. He asks us to give things that will hinder us from the one thing worth having - life with Himself, it is of no value to God to give Him your life for death"

"Having your eyes opened and turning from darkness to light is merely conversion, conversion is not regeneration, salvation comes with receiving a gift from God not human decision and effort, we receive remission of sins, Christ's authority and inheritance among those sanctified, this is all by God's grace"

My goodness

Amos 5: 14-15 "Seek good, not evil, that you may live. Then the LORD God Almighty will be with you, just as you say He is. Hate evil, love good; maintain justice in the courts. Perhaps the LORD God Almighty will have mercy on the remnant of Joseph"

Have you ever noticed that Biblegateway's daily verses usually come in some form of a theme? Like for a season the verses related to Christ's work on the cross. At another point the verses were specifically on God's love for us. Anyway, I've noticed that since the start of this year, the message is on getting ourselves right before God, putting away the former things, our old self, and choosing to let God's truth be the plumb line of our lives. Hence the title of this post. It's both an exclamation to the realisation that these verses are straight to the point, and a reminder to work on this area of my life. The verses are precise, concise and direct. The "no-nonsense, don't play a fool" kind. Not that the rest of God's Word can be trivialised because other parts may seem more gentle and lovey dovey. Every word needs to be considered carefully as it proceeds from the mouth of God. We don't want to get it wrong. To make it what it isn't. To take it out of context or interpret it to suit our own agenda and feelings.

I believe God wants us to make a good start with this new year. Work on the foundation now, set our hearts and minds and spirits right and we're more likely to go along the right path for the rest of the year, stopping only to rest, to reflect, to enjoy the scenery and celebrate the distance we have travelled with Him. I wonder what kind of a man Oswald Chambers was exactly, what he went through in life. His writings reflect depth of wisdom and character. It is obvious he took God very seriously. I'm sure they enjoyed each other's sense of humour and had fun together. But Oswald had great respect and awe of God and challenged others (and still does today though he did not live beyond 1917) to live right before God and not be afraid to draw close to Him. One line in Oswald's daily devotional book - My Utmost for His Highest - jumped off the page and grabbed me the other night. He was talking about the significance of intimacy with God and stated plainly, at the end, that it gives us a "strong calm sanity". Sometimes I think I am losing my mind, what with my wild imagination, negative self talk and all. And has it not been for God, I wouldn't be standing here today. No doubt I struggle greatly still and it even appears that I am fast losing the battle on some days, with my opposition growing fiercer, more relentless and more cunning. But that must mean I am on the right track if my enemy is more bent than ever on flinging me off course and destroying the promises God has given to me.

I've been reading Oswald Chamber's daily devotional every night this year. Though each entry is short, each packs a punch. It takes me a good 20 minutes to read and re read it and slowly consider the meaning of the verse included and the importance of the message shared, particularly with regards to how it applies to my own life. Already I have forgotten much of the past 8 entries so will need to look over them again and collect my thoughts and pen down the new lessons gained. Oswald's life is one to follow. He definitely gave himself to mirroring the attributes of Jesus. By that I do not imply he simply copied what Jesus did, but put to test every principle given in the Word and found each true. In that he too grew in stature. His character was built, his thinking enlightened through truth and revelation of that truth, his heart condition matured, and his spirit made more like that of Christ's.

We are formed in God's image but sin marred that image. We need to actively decide to not let ourselves be corrupted by sin and to stand firm on principles that go against many worldviews yet are ones that lead to life. I've started this year on the wrong footing. I've been angry and said terrible things in my head and heart. I've let myself spend precious hours in front of the television, soaking up pure rubbish. I've grumbled and complained and been lazy. Time really does escape us when we're not intentional and wise with the use of it. I sit on the couch for what seems minutes and hours have passed. I carry on with my standard daily routine of work, and goodness knows what else, with little thought and 4 Christmases have come and gone. It's scary yet sobering. I really have to do what I think of doing each year - put it to good use. It's not about filling my days with to-do lists and being able to say I accomplished every single one of them but prioritising and focusing on tasks that really matter. Making time for people as they matter. Working on my character and growing in God. God won't praise me for clean floorboards but a clean and soft heart full of compassion for others, and acts that reflect my faith and demonstrate love.

Control yourself, Conquer the world!

Ephesians 5: 1-2 "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God".

Need to work on the whole selfless thing. I really have anger management issues. Need to control my emotions more strictly. They're really getting out of hand. Even if they don't quite show on the outside, sin has taken root in my heart and it comes through my thoughts, attitudes and the speech I mutter under my breath. If only my anger issues could be so easily resolved like that of a Boggart's. If given honey, he forgets his rantings and savours every drop, turning back into a Brownie. And just to prove I have yet to lose all my marbles, you will have to watch the Spiderwick Chronicles. There was a bit of an anti climax towards the end though, when the evil ogre chases Jared for the sacred field book containing the great grand uncle's life study of the mystical creatures in the woods. Having said that, it was a novel idea. I mean how many antagonists have you seen turn into crows and get eaten by a hog?

On a totally different note, my colleague made me a little dog out of a clump of blue tack. He spent a bit of time on it to get in little details like a paler blue nose and properly shaped and marked out paws and even made it a cape by rubbing red ink into a little ball of blue tack so it'd be a pretty reddish-purple. The little guy is smiling and looks very happy sitting at the base of my computer. My own super-dog! He's certainly ready to conquer the world of student adminstration and I shall be his side-kick. Wah! Hai-yah! Take that! *Jos slays the pile of program change applications on her desk and gives her emails a good whack* I took a photo of him with my mobile but it didn't turn out very well. Quite hazy looking.

And for something else different, have a think about The Deeper Significance of Toilet Paper found on A Simple Walk (under For the Home).

Fab is such a cutie

I drove in alone today because Fab will be at a site inspection all day near the Coast and so won't have to go into the Brisbane city office. This gave him a chance to rest a little bit more after the alarm went off just before 6am, signalling for me to get up. I went out of the room to prepare breakfast and all that jazz and came back in to find that he had turned over, slanted himself and placed his head on the edge of my pillow. He was so adorable I wanted to take a photo but my camera battery charger has died. I watched him for a bit before grabbing the rest of my stuff and heading off. He called me later to ask if my drive was alright as he heard about a jam on the radio. Apparently there was an accident on the highway but it must have happened after I passed that way as the drive was pretty smooth going, especially given kids are still on school break. He said he felt a little sad when I got up to leave this morning and that he missed me. "I wanted to stay longer with you too, sweetie..." (being my response) What a darling...happy sigh.

After post: I opened the front door and Fab rushed downstairs to hug me and tell me he missed me. I love my husband!

Exit 2008, Enter 2009

It's the start of a new year and two of my friends have lost their jobs. One of them just started with the company, in what seemed a very promising managerial role, barely six months ago if I've got my dates right. And here I am wishing I could move on to something else. I have a job. A great job - it's stable, it pays well, I've got my own reasonably large office and superiors and colleagues who trust and support me, it runs on a flexible hours plan, it may give me the opportunity to move more easily into other departments within the University. Perhaps with my poor attitude (whinging and complaining and murmuring in tow) and constant dreaming of vacations, one would think I'd be somewhat relieved or delighted if I lost my job since it would mean no more hour-and-a-half commutes each way everyday in peak hour traffic, and the time to do whatever I want. But, knowing myself, I'd stress out. I'd worry about our ability to manage our mortgage, I'd be anxious about being able to get another job and about the stability of that. The uncertainty of what direction to take and where things would lead me would definitely crowd my reason.

My two friends. I found out about their job loss through, one, Facebook and two, a blog post. Boy's post on how he has chosen to face this hurdle in life has both encouraged and challenged me. Would I make a similar choice after letting the truth of the matter sink in? Yes, I am jobless but is that the end of the world? Do I not have a God who has always provided and in the nick of time? Never too early, never too late. Would I choose to be defeated or see this as an opportunity to move on to better things? To move into where God wants to position me for action. For making a difference in the world. It would finally be time for me to rise up, to take on His call in a bigger, more distinct and specific way. Or it could be another stepping stone. A way to prepare me for the plans and purposes He has set out. Perhaps what needed to be accomplished in this one place has been done. And now it is time for a new form of training. A time to discover more about myself and to let Him work even deeper on building my character and inner strength, on my faith and perseverance so that I can stay the long haul. Boy, if you're reading this, I want to say your choice will inspire many so do not lose heart but think of all the possibilities that await you now. Be excited with anticipation of what God has up His sleeve. It'll be something good, no doubt.

I look back on the past 5 years since graduating and see that God's faithfulness is so evident. I was anxious as my final examinations approached. Questions of what I should do, of where I should go (stay here or return home, being the two logical options at the time) and where I was headed filled my thoughts instead of the theories and concepts in my textbooks. I called my mum and she told me not to worry, to give it to God and focus on what I had at hand, my papers. "Do this one well first. Do your best and God will do the rest". I recall mum saying the latter phrase at each examination block all throughout my student days. She was right. As always. So I did what I could with what I had. And slowly and surely, my next step became clear. I enrolled myself into a postgraduate diploma on human studies with the blessings of my parents (mum was initially hesitant as that meant more money needed to fund my tuition fees and lodging but after praying over it, she felt the peace of God and they were able to provide for me what was needed apart from the savings I had already accumulated). The one year at Christian Heritage College brought life lessons of a totally different kind, and I might write about this another day. But it was also a time of respite and reflection, "buying" me more time to really think about the next course of action and to actively look for appropriate work.

God really gave me His peace throughout my search for a permanent job. I asked that He would lead me to the right one. He knows what is best, I simply asked He made it really obvious so I didn't stuff up and land myself in a rut. As requested, God very graciously closed all the wrong doors and brought me to World Vision Australia who gave me a part time role while I was still studying. My first interview. My first real job ever! It worked around my class schedule perfectly and led to more hours and higher pay at the right time. I was with them for barely half a year when God gave me a position at The University of Queensland. It was everything I prayed specifically for and so much more! Given I hate public speaking and have performance anxiety, I was amazed to find that God gave me much confidence in my interviews with World Vision, another company (which offered a position I was not actually interested in but considered for experience sake) and UQ. It amazed me even more to find out after being accepted here that I was their second choice when they viewed our applications (addressing a selection criteria is so tedious!) but the first guy turned up somewhat drunk or on drugs despite wearing a very professional looking suit. He apparently spoke in gibberish and had eyes that looked glazed over even though it was 9 in the morning! This guy held a similar position in another University and was perfect for the role. I did not have his level of experience and yet they chose me simply because of how he presented himself at the interview. Now that is God's miracle for you, ladies and gentlemen.

I will have worked here for 4 years exactly on Valentine's Day. In these 4 years I was placed on a higher salary level as my supervisor fought for my position to be reclassified, and I was later promoted (though you have to reapply and attend an interview as part of the fair process - basically it was one of my other colleagues, some external person and me vying for it) into the role I am in now. Great faculty, great people. God has blessed me tremendously. I did not have to fear once since starting my diploma of what the next step was or if anyone would hire me. He gave me peace. And He gave me the very best. His favour and His blessings as demonstrations of His love and grace. So if ever things take a turn for the worse (seemingly), I hope I will continue to place my full trust and confidence in God and experience His great peace once again. Oh! If you're wondering what happened to the colleague who applied for this role, he got something he really wanted in another department and is still at this University campus. He was already in an identical role at the time we applied, he was just looking after a different set of programs so it didn't make any sense for our Manager to select him. The logistics would have been way too messy.

You can read more about God's blessings over my life in my testimony section - I wrote about this with regards to the Church Building Fund. Fab will have great testimonies to share too. When I was offered a permanent position at UQ, Fab found his first job and had his PR application approved so we had dinner in honour of the triple celebration. How he even got that first job is a miracle in itself too. I mean it pretty much just came out of nowhere and fell into his lap as he trusted God and placed a resume on some online job agency website. Simply wondrous!


Well, I'm currently working on reviewing my year in 2008 with some handy little questions I found on the Girlfriends of God website and will be putting together some goals for this new year. Will post about that later.

Escape from reality

Can't believe I'm already thinking of getting away again. We just had a two-week break and I'm dreaming about going away for a few days. Have my heart set on staying at the Peppers Salt Spa Resort that Yen and Kel were at with Janice just a couple of weekends ago. But, it is expensive. The beach was beautiful though and the resort just great. Being in that area made me feel like I was somewhere totally different. These are photos of Pepper Resorts in other parts of Australia. I'm also itching slightly to make a short trip to Melbourne. Thing is, I'd trade all that to go home. Just so I can see family, spend some time catching up with old friends and just be home. Fab probably yearns to see his family too. They're planning a trip to the land Down Under at the end of the year as one of his brothers is graduating from Medicine in Adelaide. I think they're going to be in Tasmania for a few days too. I hope his mum doesn't ask me for a baby again. Really dreading that. That whole incident has made me fear speaking with them until I am ready to have a child, if that ever happens.

Whoa, slow down girl!

I realise my posts have been quite heavy off late. Some time ago, someone beautiful and inspiring encouraged me to write about the things that move me and weigh very much on my heart and mind. To turn my rage, or passion or anguish or whatever emotions I had welled up inside, into words. To just write what was real to me. To write so others could see and maybe understand or relate or be moved too. Thing is, I don't want to depress anyone. I want to be a voice for the oppressed. A voice for the hurting. I want to bring change, but I am fearful and ignorant. There is so much to learn, so much to get acquainted with, so much to mature in. I don't want to be swayed by peoples' perspectives of me. By what they will say or do, if it's going to deter me from pursuing that which can make a good difference in the world. I want to care only of what God thinks of me and of what He desires.

I struggle though. I hate being hated. I hate being shunted or rejected or thought and spoken ill of. I must grow in this. I must build character and convictions based upon Him. I must be as He has commanded - Strong, bold, courageous, sure. I must, with God's guidance, wisdom and strength, fight for those who have no strength left in them. I must speak for those who have lost their authority to be heard and considered. I must protect those who cannot protect themselves. I must lift those who have lost their wings to soar like eagles. I must bring restoration and healing - His restoration and healing. I must be an ambassador for God and not myself. Be this for His glory and not so people will like me, approve of me, praise me, accept me. I long to be included. I long to be loved. I long to be supported and not criticised. But in wanting all these things, I compromise. The fear of man is a snare. I should only care what God thinks.

Seriously, what are you doing?!

Isaiah 1: 16-17 "Wash and make yourselves clean. Take your evil deeds out of my sight! Stop doing wrong, learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow".

Everyday brings news of another tragedy - another war or continuation of a drawn-out feud across generations, another fight, another bombing or 'terrorist attack', another drug smuggling, another robbery or killing, another natural phenomenon, another abuse case, another heinous, brutal crime, another disease, another death. Sites by Amnesty International, Call and Response and the like give us the cruel facts. Statistics of the frequency and intensity of rape, human trafficking, sex trade, matters that matter. Today news of a brawl in Sydney leaving several dead, several wounded. The war in Israel goes on. A famous couple lose their teenage son. A baby is given an Ecstasy pill by irresponsible, drug-induced parents. The world is full of corruption, full of futile thinking and depravity. People have the craziest ideology. They twist and turn the truth and make everyone else believe the mad lies. And out of that comes pain, suffering, death. A godless, loveless, lifeless eternity.

Wake up world! Wake up all those people with their heads in the gutter from one too many bottles of grog. Wake up all those people haunted by hallucinations, trapped in a comatose state from repeated injections of vile chemicals. Wake up all those who take pleasure out of the power to control another's life, to inflict grave bodily, emotional, psychological trauma. Wake up all those who feel they have a right to shame another for their own perverted version of justice. Wake up all those people forming inanimate objects out of their own valuables to offer their lives to.

We are people of worship. We will give our lives to someone or to something. It could be ourselves. It could be a tyrant leader who has set so much hatred in our hearts that we're driven to fight for their cause no matter what the cost, even if it means losing our humanity. It could be the career, fame and status we've been chasing for years, trying to get that extra million or the promotion to the position we've been eyeing and vying for, though in the process we've already lost the people in our lives we claimed to love and care for. It could be that new religion or group in town. It could be that one material thing we want so much to get our hands on or can't get enough of. Some are avid collectors of stamps, others vintage cars, and yet others an intimate piece of clothing from every victim.

The mind is so easily lost, following after some train of thought, some school of belief, some great plan of ambition, something. Where has yours taken you?

Mine sometimes spins in spirals. Runs like a tape recorder. Feeds frightful thoughts that keep me peering over my shoulder into the quiet darkness when I'm alone at home. I wondered, last night, as I sat at my desk in our little study, if someone was watching me from the window. Standing there, face just a breath away from the screen. It was pitch black outside. He was wearing a mask. Covered fully in garments as dark as the night surrounding him. Cool, calm, composed. He knew what he had come for. He'd done it too many times before and never placed a wrong step. I lowered my head. And for a split second, I thought I saw a man approaching the door. He was just there, out of the corner of my eye. Tall, sturdy frame. I couldn't see his face. I tried to focus on the Bible, tried to get back to reading. I hate feeling unsafe. I hate knowing that men have broken into homes in other suburbs, raped and killed elderly women, rudely awoken couples in their sleep, dragged wives away from their husbands, raped them and shot their partners. I hate knowing many things about this world. I told God I never want to raise a child in a place like this. But He's got other plans.

Trust and peace. These are the two things I really need in my life. Trust and peace. I need to find hope in the future that seems so bleak. I need to find hope in the people I would rather have gone so they can't do anymore damage. I need to find rest. I need to stop thinking like this. I need to know I will never be hurt. Some of these things can't come true. I know that. I need to stop wanting complete control over everything so I can make sure everything I'm not prepared for does not happen. I need to let go. I need to let go. God, help me.

Reading, Reflecting

Micah 6:8 "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Titus 2: 11-14 "For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope — the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."

I want to remember where these verses are. I want to remember that we have the choice of good or evil. That we face the consequences of our own choices. Of free will. It scares me how quickly and easily we can fall away if we just let go, even a tiny bit. How corruption does not take long to creep in and take residence in us. How we can give up wisdom for futile thinking that is so ridiculous yet we will try to justify to no end because we are wrapped up in preserving the lifestyle we want, in protecting our bad choices. It becomes all about us and blindness towards how we're hurting others so much takes over. You're probably wondering where I'm going with this. It's tied to the message Pastor Lance preached last night. I might post more about it another time. Meanwhile, an update on life.

First day back at work. Not as bad as expected considering I barely slept last night. Was up tossing and turning and being disturbed by a mind heavy laden with negative thoughts and other fillers. In my hazy state, my mind was playing tricks on me, telling me the floorboards were still too white and I wasn't doing a proper painting job. I heard some people out on the main street behind our house - they were mucking about past midnight, joking, laughing, semi-shouting to one another and laughing some more. When their voices first hit my ears, I panicked slightly. I get so easily affected by my surroundings sometimes, especially when I am trying hard to catch some shut eye. I was worried that they might be hooligans and wondered why they had chosen that spot to congregate and fool around at. I heard a woman's voice and then a burly sounding man in a raised tone. My mind rushed to thoughts of them getting into a fight. I feared for the woman.

If ever I heard a female voice in distress, if ever I encountered someone being assaulted or treated unfairly, what would I do? Would I leave the comfort and safety of my room immediately and take action? Would I be too scared to move even an inch and simply cower under the blanket desperately pleading for God to intervene. If I was alone, and went out to disperse the assailants, would they turn on me? I would have called the cops but who knows how long they'd take to arrive. I couldn't just let her get hurt in any way.

I lay as still as a log but my breathing quickened while my heart skipped a few beats and my mind was astir with a flurry of frightful images and thoughts. I felt so helpless. "God, help..." That's when they started laughing and playing around. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes, trying hard to shut out the sounds. It was such a restless night for me. I was cold, shivering and aching. Then I was too warm. Then the animals decided to play their rehearsed chorus. Fab rustled about a fair bit as well, mumbling indistinctly at times while turning.

Made it into the office just before 8am. An achievement. Off to some form of a good start. I've cleared most of my emails and just downed a piece of chocolate cake to satisfy the grumbling. I still feel rather fearful of this new year. I'm not exactly sure what the cause of this slight distress is. Didn't help that a number of us got into a discussion about the horrors of child birth yesterday after the church service. Don't ask me how that conversation came about. But it left me very much unsettled, confirmed fears I already had, and deepened my angst. I burst into tears at home while preparing to put together some soup in the thermal cooker for today's dinner.

Fab held me tight and assured me again he'd be with me. I really hope he will be. I'm so afraid to lose him. I'm so afraid to hurt. To feel violated. To be out of my depth. To lack the strength and joy to give selflessly, sacrificially, generously, willingly without hesitation, without question. I asked him why God would want to hurt me (women, to be exact) like that. Why a man would. I guess I was rambling nonsense. I just sobbed. It was so immature of me. The answer was simple. God never planned to hurt anyone.

Why only women? Why do we have to be justified by childbirth as (if I recall correctly) Paul said to the people? Sin, yes, sin. And what about men? They will never experience anything like this. Is that fair? Does it matter? What am I looking for? What answer do I want? What will satisfy me? It'll never really end because what I am looking for is not the truth. I need to learn to trust.

"God, help me trust You more. I need to give You all of me. I can't live like this anymore. I really feel like I am losing it sometimes. Who am I, really, God? I don't want to feel the pressure of meeting Your expectations, becoming the person You desire me to be or see me in the future. I want Your vision of me to be an encouragement, an inspiration, not an unreachable image that taunts me. I need Your perspective more than ever. I need Your peace so much God because I am hurting everyday. My mind, it doesn't let me go. I can't rid myself of these thoughts. They started when I was young and have grown louder and more convincing and harsher over the years. They want to break me, destroy me and render me completely useless. Do not let it be so.

Be the lifter of my spirit. Do not let me be afraid. Even if all things around me fail and if, when the time comes, childbirth is excruciatingly unbearable, do not let me sink into depression or become bitter, hateful, resentful. Help me to cling to You. To love You, love Fab and love the child and put You and them forever before myself. Help me know I will pull through and it'll all be ok because You've got it worked out. You are not out to hurt me. I need to believe that.

Sometimes I still feel like I'm being punished. Do not let me harbour that kind of wrongful thinking. Do not let me grieve You with my lack of faith and conviction in You. Do not let me base my beliefs on what I can or cannot see or what I have experienced or heard. Do not let me base my decisions, thoughts and actions on popular opinion or peer pressure but the truth. Do not let me be corrupted or become depraved. Save me from myself. Save me so I can be a light to others. Make me count for something. Forgive me for all my sinfulness - my self centred ways, my pride. My lack of love and compassion. Hold me and never let me leave Your side. May every one I love and hold dear. May the people I know be there with me in Your kingdom forever when the end comes. Please."

Where are You God? We need You so

I still can't bring myself to watch Schindler's List, though I have seen a couple of clips on it, especially the very touching ending. Just can't bear the thought of all the torture the Jews had to face. Just hearing about it is enough for me. We started watching The Pianist last night but I decided not to go through with it. My spirit was disturbed and I eventually went to bed tossing and turning, thinking over what the Jews had to endure, how they were treated so inhumanely. Fab continued with the movie later in the night and commented that it was probably better I did not see the whole thing as he knows how easily I get affected. It's not just them. The Black Americans and Africans were treated that way by the Whites. All throughout history we see different races and nationalities and people groups executing violence towards one another. Often one act is simply an act of defense and retaliation from the first attack. Or it becomes about revenge for the cruelty and pain of having lost those very dear. I just want it to end. Even those who believed in God and lived for Him were brutally murdered. Martyrs? Maybe they did experience His peace at their hour of greatest need. Some have survived yet lost their loved ones. Some have come through with prayer and pleading, others blessed by those who were able to help them hide or escape or be released.

When the near 400,000 Jews were herded into a tiny complex closed in with towering walls and treated like dirt, one man said to the protagonist of the film The Pianist, "I have stopped believing in God". That bit I will remember. With everything that was happening, it would have been so difficult to find God in the midst of it. I don't know if I would have been able to persevere in my faith had I been there and greatly abused. Just living in fear and watching how the German guards were using the Jews for their entertainment, joking and laughing away at their suffering, would have swayed me. How tormented their thoughts would have been. Every sound in the night would have woken them. Every shadow haunted their already frail minds and trembling hearts.

I long to speak with one who clung to God then, one who had peace that transcends all understanding and was even able to share of His goodness and faithfulness to others, and who, despite deep losses, praises Him even more today. What a grave trial. Had I been an unbeliever, someone who had never heard the Gospel, would I have turned my face towards this God someone was so kindly preaching to me? Would I have hated them and resented their so-called God? Had God placed me in a family that did not know Him, a land of poverty, a life of constant abuse and suffering, would I have a personal relationship with Him today? Would I think about Him and write about Him and worship Him with songs in Church? I honestly do not know the answer to that. That scares me. To think how fragile my faith can be. How easily my lot in life could have been something completely different.

God, please bring healing and restoration to Your people. Please end the wars. The cycle of revenge. The cruelty. May their minds be clear and their hearts filled with compassion and forgiveness. Father, please. Help us all to draw closer to You when our minds and hearts fail us. Help us take on Your perspective. Where we are weak, be our strength. Take us deeper into Your grace. May Your people never be shamed again. May we never be afraid to proclaim You wherever we are. Forgive us when we lack faith. When we disobey. Restore the children and women and men who have been abused. Please God, this world needs You so much. Please.

Please just get off the floor

I woke to be greeted with a trillion paint flecks littered across the entire surface of our floor today. And there was a film of powdery paint covering over that. And then there were the white streaks and swirls from the water that had dried up after yesterday's hand mopping. Poor Fab. All his cleaning efforts. So I grabbed a bucket and a wet cloth and set down to work on hands and knees, scrubbing away at the little dots of paint and wiping away the streaks, swirls and milky paint layer. I worked at the same area over and over and just with that tiny fraction of floor, collected a couple of buckets of murky grey-white water. And I discovered an ant infestation so tackled that too. So it was murky grey-white water with ants floating and sinking and swimming about.

I proceeded to attack another patch of floor and then another, scrubbing, wiping away, changing the water, wiping away some more. Finally, I stood up, took a step back and tilted my head to see the floor at an angle where the sun's light would reflect my performance. Turns out I had made little progress even after removing buckets of dirt and paint. It was hard to work out at that point which I wanted to do more - scream, curse the floor, cry or throw a hissy fit and give up. I settled for muttering under my breath, whinging to myself and more scrubbing and wiping. A couple of hours I had spent. Might as well get the job done. Have to admit I was pretty mad at that point though.

My neck has been so sore since this morning. Trouble with me is I hold a lot of tension around my neck and shoulders. Can't seem to do much about it. I think I'm relaxing but at the next minute I'll catch myself being all tense again. Doesn't help when I'm focused on something like at work. Even worse when my head is continually in a bent down position like with reading and all the paperwork I handle at the office or in a raised position like with yesterday's paint job as I was balancing on the ladder with container of paint in one hand and brush in the other, meticulously painting the skirting. And let's just face it. I can be quite pedantic. A little bit of a perfectionist in some areas. I kept going over my painting too, just to make sure it was smooth enough and white enough and even enough and oh my gosh I was driving myself absolutely potty. No wonder I couldn't get much fun out of it.

I think painting walls with a big brush could be fun though. I'm already envisioning putting a coat of fresh paint on our slightly damaged walls. Have to get Fab to fix up the holes and scrapes first.Was actually just going to hang things up to cover them. When we bought this place, other people had lived in it and there was another tenant before we moved in so parts of the house had probably seen better days. Main thing was the carpet and the hideous lights and rather broken and ornate ceiling fans. The carpet really had to go. Not just because it was an ugly dirty blue or bad fraying material but it had burn marks and holes and parts of it were barely able to stick to the floor anymore. There were shreds of it dangling around, thread coming loose. I don't even want to think about what the stains were made of or how much muck it contained. It just had to go. Since putting in wooden floor boards and neat little down lights we bought at a huge discount warehouse, the place has felt more like home. I love it. Actually I can live with the walls as they are but since we started this ceiling project, my mind has wandered to picture the walls looking spanking new too. Fab really has done a brilliant job with the ceiling and to be honest, I didn't do too badly myself. Was admiring the skirting earlier.

Anyhow, Fab went out and got a couple of new sponges that attach themselves to the mop stick that offers the function of squeezing out the water from the sponge as you push on the outer connecting tube. So after lunch and a meeting we had with a friend regarding some Church administration and planning, I resumed my mopping, this time with the sponge-stick contraption. Still had to go over it a few times and rinse out the sponge and change the water to get the desired effect. Now my dining and living areas are somewhat back to normal. The kitchen is pretty much at an acceptable standard but there are other areas to battle. Plus now the whole downstairs area is in shambles as Fab has been painting there. He's back there now as our friend has gone home. I'm taking a break from my mopping as I pulled a muscle around the neck region and want to give it a bit of a rest before I continue. Plus it is a bit of a strain on my lower back attempting to get the floor nice and sparkly. It'll never be perfect and that's fine. Just want to get it as clean as I possibly can. Thank you Suki for helping us with some touch-up painting after our discussion! You're welcome here any time. No, not just to paint.

Sigh. Break ends Monday. Was certainly great while it lasted. We spent time with friends; had other friends over for Christmas dinner so cooked up a storm; watched videos, some good and some we wouldn't recommend to others; went fishing with friends, where I lost my beloved hat (the wind blew it off my head so quickly I couldn't save it. I bought it in Phuket on our honeymoon); got my car serviced; finished reading two books I had started some time earlier; got good sleep; swam; drove down to Coolangatta with friends to watch the New Year's Eve fireworks; got presents to send to family. I wish it could go on for a bit longer. In serious denial about having to hear the alarm clock again and rush out to meet peak hour traffic and sit at a desk with routine administrative work. But thank God we are whole and have jobs and this home and a great life with family and friends who spur us to know God more!

Sunday update: After more scrubbing last night, the floor is decent. I can see slight streaks left by the mop but it's enough. I am done. My body is aching badly. I'm going to focus on other things. Thank God the laundry will be done and everything can start afresh tomorrow.

God in Israel

I mentioned the other day that I was reading Acts Chapter 2 regarding the enablement of the Holy Spirit that came like fire upon the people who gathered to pray. God poured His Spirit into them and they declared of His wonders. That passage speaks of the fulfilling of a prophecy given in Joel 2: 28-32. What I want to share is what struck me when I read through Joel Chapter 2 yesterday morning. It talks of how God sent a mighty army that destroyed much in the land. Eleven verses are devoted to describing the strength of that army and how the nations tremble at the sight of it. Verse 11 says, "...The day of the Lord is great; it is dreadful. Who can endure it?"

Yet we see from Verse 12 that God says, "Even now...return to me with all your heart...Rend your heart...Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and He relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and have pity and leave a blessing..." This reflects His grace. His heartbeat. He does not long to destroy His people but restore them. Still, time after time, despite all His pursuing to win their hearts and minds and spirits over, they blatantly chose to do detestable things in His sight. They chose idols. They chose frivolous pleasures. Temporary satisfaction of their five senses. As a result, they faced consequences. They faced judgement. They were scattered and lost their identity.

The passage goes on. God continues to call His people back unto Himself. He asks them to gather. To consecrate themselves. he asks that they humble themselves, turn from their sinful ways and pray. As they say, "Spare your people O Lord. Do not make your inheritance an object of scorn, a byword among the nations. Why should they say among the peoples, 'Where is their God?'" (Verse 17), God will restore them, restore their land. He will drive out their enemies and return to them all that was lost (Verse 18-26). Then "you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will you be shamed. Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the Lord your God, and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed (verse 26). This really struck me. With all that is happening in Israel today, God's Word stands true.

Many of the Israelites today may not know Him. May not know that they are His people. For years there is been hardness and resentment. Disillusionment from all the pain and suffering. They have been repeatedly attacked. Yet God's promise is there for the taking. He just asks they turn to Him. Put Him at the centre of their lives. The Day of the Lord was written there, from verse 28. "And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people...Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days. I will show wonders in the heaven and on earth...And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved...there will be deliverance..."

My prayer is for them. For them to know that God is real. That He loves them. That He did not bring them through all this destruction because He is sadistic and evil. He doesn't long to hurt them. I pray they will come to recognise His love and grace over them. Take hold of His promises and experience His blessings as they choose to place their lives in His hand and not take matters into their own. Any victory they have gained I am sure comes from God. His enablement and strength. His protection. Yet we need to realise that we walk out of His covering when we choose to be god of our own lives or choose other gods.

It's interesting because I just realised Charis has written about Israel as well - Blessings and Curses.

i ♥

Real Living Magazine

Painting Pains

I can now confidently say I do not enjoy painting. Actually it probably wouldn't be so bad if we were working on the walls but we had to give the ceiling an overhaul. Fab has so diligently spent days and days filling and sealing up the holes in the ceiling and sanding everything down flat. Holes created when we had to have all the hideous, not functional lighting that came with the house removed and replaced. It meant rewiring everything which left gaping holes in the plaster board. He did an excellent job I must say. It was only his first time - all his efforts researching proper methods on the Internet and examining the various products on offer at Bunnings Warehouse and at some online store to purchase the right materials certainly paid off.

Anyhow, I helped with rolling the paint onto the ceiling but due to my height and strength, I found it a challenge to really control the movement of the roller brush on the cumbersome pole, even while standing on a chair. So I opted to paint the skirting adjoining the ceiling to the walls with a hand brush and ladder instead . It took us a good 5 hours but we can surely say there was a sense of accomplishment. The whole of the upstairs is practically finished. Fab is so efficient and great with things like this. I, on the other hand, am quite the bungling klutz but I didn't fair so badly with my task.

While on the job, I started reflecting on my poor attitude. Fab was pretty chipper and encouraging and tried to get me to think it was fun to paint our own home together. I scowled and whinged and complained after fumbling greatly with the roller brush. Settled down when I took on the task of the skirting instead. Still, I thought about how the Bible teaches us to do everything excellently and with a good attitude as if doing it all for the Lord. I was trying to think of how that would relate to painting my own place. How that would be for the Lord. It dawned on me He was simply more interested in my heart condition and demeanour at the time. Why was I sulking and mulling? Why could I not do my little job with a smile on my face and a song in my heart and make it fun for Fab and myself? Why was my mind and heart yet again so busy with negative thoughts or idle chatter that I was still being Martha? When was I going to learn to rest in God at all times no matter what the situation?

Fab certainly deserves a very special medal today. Well, he deserves one everyday for being such a fab-ulous husband. But today it's specifically for his perfect painting skills, for his great attitude, for his encouragement and pampering towards his immature wife (He kept getting me a drink and asking me to rest and even genuinely said on a couple of occasions, "Poor darling, you must be so tired, I can manage the rest, you've done so well!" despite the fact he was obviously doing the bulk of the work), for not letting me have to clean up but hand-mopping the paint spills and dirt and things off the floor and putting everything back into place. All I could do was make him some lousy dinner which he appreciated! What a gem of a husband, I tell you. How can I not adore him? I have so much to learn from him.

It's back to work on Monday. I hope we are truly disciplined enough to stick to our word about getting up early, reading the daily devotional and praying together in the car on the way, starting work early so we can leave early to get home in time to squeeze in a swim as our daily exercise, make dinner and spend personal time with God. Sounds ambitious judging our performance thus far but we'll take it one step at a time. First, I have to train myself to go to bed early, fall asleep quickly and get out of bed with a cheery disposition. More on this next week so you can see our progress.

Magical Imagination

Watched Nim's Island and it got me dreaming again a little like a child. Child-like fantasies are often sweet, warm and magical. Ok, maybe there is the dragon-slaying and swash-buckling adventure bit particularly more so for little boys.

Anyway, back to Nim's Island. It's just beautiful. Growing up like that would be amazing. I'd be one with nature. I'd be fearless. I'd adore the ocean, be close with the resident sea and land creatures. My room would be in the trees. It'd be perfect. No one would ever corrupt it or destroy it. The entire expanse of water and land would be completely untouched by anything that would disrupt the life there. I'd be with the people I love the very most. Friends visit from neighbouring islands much the same in beauty and serenity. Even the elements would not bring any harm. There might be nights of wind and rain, of tossing waves. But nothing would ever be taken out of place or hurt. It would be paradise here on earth.

But if you think about the way the world really is, I can't dream like this. Peace is not the lack of upheaval and total serenity. Peace is calmness and security amidst turmoil. Peace transcends human understanding and leaves us with greater faith in the One who can be trusted. I've always wanted my life to be simple and safe. I desire this for those I love. A beautiful life of love, friendship, music, goodness in every form. No rude neighbour, unruly street kid stealing something from the store next door. Everyone respectful and compassionate. Everyone working and living together in unity. I'm an idealist. This world lacks so much of strong moral values. The family. The basic unit meant to inculcate good convictions, meant to be guiding, nurturing, supporting in the right direction, has crumbled and failed in so many homes. There are no proper motherly and fatherly roles to be found, no proper boundaries set. Instead, there is abuse and pain. Which leads to more abuse and pain, for children reflect what they see and experience.

I could keep holding back. I could stay home and bake muffins all day, turn off the television showing me more bloodshed, put on a heartwarming video or soothing music, wrap myself up in the love of my family and friends, keep my life perfectly in place, perfectly safe and secure. But where would that lead me? I would have made no real contribution. No real difference to the world in need of a Saviour. God has no Plan B. We're it. You and I. Called to be salt and light. And what have I done? I've been negligent. In denial of the needs out there because they overwhelm me. Pastor Cho reminds us, "Yes, you are right! You are small! You can't do it! You are inadequate! But God has called you. And so He will equip, enable and empower you" With man, all things are impossible. With God, nothing is impossible.

Fab asked me what my retirement plans look like. Where I envisioned our last years to be. I had rest and relaxation on my mind. Resorts and restaurants and recreation. Time with family and friends. Fab's first words were evangelism, missions, God's work. I sighed. I knew he'd win if we had to make a choice there and then. God's call rules. His plans are sovereign.

And you know something? If I let go of the control I want over my life and hand that to God, I might actually truly enjoy myself on this adventure with God. It might bring us through frightening situations. I might even lose Fab. But at the end of the day, God will work all things for the good of those who love Him (even if it seems impossible to understand it at the time the excruciating pain hits). So now just to work on letting go and being convicted of this. Time to live a little more like the out-there-take-it-all-in-my-stride Alex Rover (watch the show to know what I'm talking about)

Breastpump monologues

Hilarious. I found a link to this on Shu's (Shoe under Connections) blog. The title on talking breast pumps caught my attention and I was like, "What??!". Led to me reading through this entry and I found the one I've pasted below in the comments section to the main entry. Gave me a good little chuckle. Guess a sleep-deprived mum needs some form of entertainment in those wee hours feeling like the little prince or princesses' royal cow. I mean look at the times she wrote...I am sooooo not looking forward to that kind of life. And yet, a child a is a gift from God. A precious gift. It's torture for some time but all the mums I know say it's worth it. Very much worth it. Even if the husband is totally indifferent and you're left with housework, screaming baby, other responsibilities and no rest. That's why it is soooo necessary to have God.

Amy S Says:
July 13th, 2008 at 5:35 am

I kept a journal for a little while, at the beginning of my motherhood sojourn. Here is my talking breast pump entry:

Mar 16, 3:14am:
“Snap my arm, snap my arm, snap my arm…”

I truly think I’m losing it. It’s the middle of the night, I’m sitting in the dark, on the edge of my bed, pumping and pumping for eternity. One ounce. My robe is agape, the AC coaxing goosebumps from the frigid expanse of each exposed breast, and the whirring message of the breast pump only offers more confusion to my already muddled, sleep-deprived mind.

“Snap my arm, snap my arm, snap my arm…”

Two ounces. If I’m not just sitting here in a stupor, with literally no thoughts slogging through the muck that passes for my mind lately, I am puzzling out my secret message. Is it telling me to snap its arm? My own? It doesn’t even have arms, so it must be mine its speaking of. But why is it saying “my” then? Is my subconscious speaking to me through the breast pump? Why should I snap my own arm? Am I self-damaging? Delusional? Is this PPD? I don’t feel depressed… Do I? No, of course not. No, maybe I’m taking this too literally. What does snap my arm mean? Really mean? Broken arm, broken limb, useless limb, crippled limb, crippled. Crippling, is the pump crippling me? It’s never enough, not for Caiden, not for working. I can’t be a good mother if I can’t breastfeed, can’t breastfeed if I can’t pump. Can’t pump at work so I can’t breastfeed so I can’t be a good mom. Working is crippling me as a mother. AHA!!! STOP WORKING!!!

Three ounces. “Snap my arm, snap my arm, snap my arm…”

- End of entry. I put in my two weeks notice shortly after that long night.